Baz White and the Carpenter...

were walking hand in hand

"If only," said Ms Karen

"the law would understand"

My fame speads further and wider with each passing Pappa Ratsarse furtively photographicating me slurping my smoothie.

I'm now namechecked on telly! True to life, Xymon appears to be a great fat bloaty walrus too flabby to forage for food!

On the plus side, catalogical shoppery send penguins out to deliver fishies - although I'm not sure how fresh and tasty they'd be after languishing in the warehouse.

But a horde of penguins delivering net provisions! Cool!

Unless this is another neferious plan of Chesty Cobblepot, the notorious felonious maniacal monocle supervillan, out to nobble me in some icy crossover crystal Krypton palava with suicide bomber penguins.

Although I can't remember if penguins are in the Arctic, or Antarctic. Good job I'm bi-polar, coz I'll do both.

Especially if it's an Arctic Roll...

Daisy Dukes! Bikinis up top! Sunkist popcorn so hot...

..it'll melt yer Funny Feet, Mini-Milk, Fab and Knobbly Bobbly.

Or, as they call lollies in "The States", Songsmiths pukey cakeholes.

Anyhoo, the Kalifonya Gurlz is marryin' that Russel Brand. 'xcitin' innit!

So that makes her Katy Brand.

She looks so much different in her big ass show than when she's got creamy jugspurts going on in her poptastic videos.

It's all very well having trifley titties, gorging on melted lactatory desserts, and having a BBC3 show about your big ass, but don't come lumbering to me when Russell decides to boff Jane Goldman's daughter and brag about it on Wossies 1571.

[ERRATA] YESTERDAYS TALES OF ATTEMPTED MOTION FAILURE SHOULD, HAVE COURSE, NE'ER REFERRED TO WIDDERSHINS, FOR WIDDERSHINS PROVIDES MUCH EASE OF MOVEMENT. ONCE SHOULD, NATURALLY, HAVE REFERRED TO WINNALOT FLATS AND SPACE MONSTER AMBLING ABOUT THE CLOCKFACE, BUT, ALAS, ONLY LATER DO WE SEE THE ERROR OF OUR WHEYS.

Can I make it any more obvious...

Antipodean plughole reversal is most difficult in a northern hemisphere.

But neither is possible when not facing forth.

Either the gravity well is drawing the vast planetoid weigh of of gothboys and preventing rotational wheelage, or it is impossible.

I paid close attention to the methodology of the overshoulder slidings - wriggle wriggle wriggle Daniel Day Lewis.

No. Stationary Xym be the whore daves of the eve whilst overfrontaged becamelled Torville tarts soar past with mane strewn visage.

Nae widdershins nor F.E.A.R. for me!
   

Free love?... Anyone?...

In America, you can be insured against space monsters probing up yer bum. In fact, you can can get insurance for virtually anything! And the thought must be... 

...is there anything you can't be insured for? 

Well, yes there is, actually! The one thing that insurers would not touch is eternal infernal Hellfire insurance. 

I would assume that although anal probeage by ET is quite uncommon, the rectal insertion of flaming pichforks is quite a popular pastime. 

Not to mention the æons of torment listening to Dante Aguilera and the Go-Compare man via an iPod welded to the lugholes. 

Also, as everyone knows, all the lawyers are cast into the furthermost nether-regions of The Pit, so although the insurers could use them to wriggle out of paying out, the eternally damned would plague insurers by hiring dæmonic LucifersLawyersPitch4ku (or, more like Morningstar-Says-4k-u). 

I'm surprised insurers don't in Paradise insurance, as even if The Forgiven get whipped in the face and scarred by the snapping of a defective harpstring or break a limb toppling off a cloud, God will forgive and heal everything in Elyzian bliss. And because it's in heaven, everything's an act of God, so insurers never have to pay out! 

I think I'll pitch that to Dragon's Den - all the premiums and none of the payout! Risk free! Even that Deborah Cave-Troll trout would have to invest in that! 

Of course, I'd have to get by The lovechild of Gollum and Dobby the house-elf to gain access to the Cave Troll and the smarmy Smaugsters. 

Let me tell them where I'M at...