...or does she?
Certainly not! For The Xym is not one for the transvesticism of tarting hisself up in PVC and poncing about the city like certain Trinity Matrixy actresses.
No sirree - this is Carrietta White, for The Xym seems to be developing the psychotic psychic powers of the PMT inflamed arsey cow.
It appears I'm becoming one of them Nostradamn-your-eyes-usses, and being all future predictive.
Ooooh!
Take today. There's Xym, all expectantly awaiting his onieromancical publication that have been ensured will arrive between the hours of 2 and 4.
BUT... come the end of old repeats of Jeremy Kyle on the ITV2, there is no sign of my Morphean tome. Come 6pm, I wander over to the door - no reason, just to check it's unlocked when Postie turns up. Gets to the door... just as Postie arrives and raps upon it!
Coincidence? Synchronicity? The fickle fecal finger of fate that escapes buttock besmirchnent when it tears through the Andrex mid-wipe? Or did Xym's psychic Xymchronicity kick in, and predict packet arrival, thus placing my person proximate to the package in advance?
And it's not just predicting the future when couriered deliveries arise - oh no! Frequently, I'll reach for my phone, thinking It's just gone off. It hasn't, but as soon as I closes it - Beepity beep it goes, demanding my attentions to deal with the telecommicative messages contained therein.
Luck? Happenstance? The tarnished turd of Tibetan teachers, polished to a poo-shine and transmuted into a very dirty pearl necklace?
Who can say?
But, as admonished t'other by foreign females who now hate The Xym (ie Polish no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), I shall have to hone my new powers and put it to untrustworthy, nefarious uses.
So, on with the exercises to build it into telekinetic terror. The ability, by thought alone, to cause blouses to burst open, spilling the boobage contained within out into public display. To conjure the ghostly gust of gusset centred wind to lift the skirt to flash the gash and ass.
Which you can bet ANY bloke given telekinetic power would do.
Trust me on this!
Showing posts with label psychics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label psychics. Show all posts
Monday, 12 March 2012
Friday, 24 June 2011
Simple psimon says...
There's thems what believe they are psychic, and thems what pretend by doing that there "cold calling". Ringing people up and telling them their fortune down the phone.
Alas, there's no such thing as cold callers any more. They used to call it a cold, but now they calls it "Man-Flu".
Man-Flu is named after psychotic mandarin madman Flu Manflu, fraudulent psychic who used hypnotism, magic, misdirection and suggestion (with no stooges involved - they went on to support Iggy Pop and his diving on glass career) to convince people of his telepathatory mental prowess and thence to dominate the world.
However, he escaped the justice of James Randi, cut off his droopy 'tasche and trimmed his beard into a weeny tuft, called himself Derren and Clouded Mens Minds into thinking he was a British debunker.
Fraud (HUHR!)
"Ok Xym, " spake certain others, "so maybe baby mind reading is a little too far, but what about pet mind reading? Surely you can make a quick buck doing that! Or is that what the dog whisperer does? ManBearFlu possibly?"
ManBearFlu? Ewww! I'm not one for having bare men give me Suffocatory Tightening Influenza with their bear hugs! Crushing me ribs with their ursine strength and deading me. I's rather get one of them STIs off've BareMaidens.
Or something.
Besides, a quick buck on pet whisperage would be StagFlu (stage 3 of StagFlu being imprisoned in a WWII POW camp run by The Luftwaffe, which is Boris Johnson speak for Ping Pong). That said, I don't think you can catch StagFlu, because a fast buck is well, fast. Especially them gazelles and Antenatalopes.
Of course, you can protect yourself from psychic scaremongery by the construction of the tinfoil hat, which foils (you see what I did there!) the evil machinations of them telepathetics and air-loom operators.
However, you'll still be at the mercy of them Remote Viewers. They'll still be able to beam horrendous visions into your peepers and force you to commit outrageous acts against thy will. And on top of that, they can take control of yer oculars to give people Evils - and YOU'LL get punched in the face for THEIR witchy-woman sorceries!
There's only one way around it - make a foil hat by all means... but make it a PIRATE HAT! Not only that, make yourself a tin-foil eyepatch and you are fully protected by thems what will try and manipulate your mind and bend you to their will.
And being dressed as a pirate is cool. Especially pirate wenches.
Mmmmmmm... pirate wenches...
On the other hand, forget psychics - let's have more hot chic psychicks:
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Alas, there's no such thing as cold callers any more. They used to call it a cold, but now they calls it "Man-Flu".
Man-Flu is named after psychotic mandarin madman Flu Manflu, fraudulent psychic who used hypnotism, magic, misdirection and suggestion (with no stooges involved - they went on to support Iggy Pop and his diving on glass career) to convince people of his telepathatory mental prowess and thence to dominate the world.
However, he escaped the justice of James Randi, cut off his droopy 'tasche and trimmed his beard into a weeny tuft, called himself Derren and Clouded Mens Minds into thinking he was a British debunker.
Fraud (HUHR!)
What it is good for?
Scamming grieving widows
Say it again, Ah said
Fraud (HUHR!)
What it is good for?
Not foreseing the credit crunch and relieving gormsters of their hard earned inheritance pennies, thus rendering them more vulnerable to austerity measures.
"Ok Xym, " spake certain others, "so maybe baby mind reading is a little too far, but what about pet mind reading? Surely you can make a quick buck doing that! Or is that what the dog whisperer does? ManBearFlu possibly?"
ManBearFlu? Ewww! I'm not one for having bare men give me Suffocatory Tightening Influenza with their bear hugs! Crushing me ribs with their ursine strength and deading me. I's rather get one of them STIs off've BareMaidens.
Or something.
Besides, a quick buck on pet whisperage would be StagFlu (stage 3 of StagFlu being imprisoned in a WWII POW camp run by The Luftwaffe, which is Boris Johnson speak for Ping Pong). That said, I don't think you can catch StagFlu, because a fast buck is well, fast. Especially them gazelles and Antenatalopes.
Of course, you can protect yourself from psychic scaremongery by the construction of the tinfoil hat, which foils (you see what I did there!) the evil machinations of them telepathetics and air-loom operators.
However, you'll still be at the mercy of them Remote Viewers. They'll still be able to beam horrendous visions into your peepers and force you to commit outrageous acts against thy will. And on top of that, they can take control of yer oculars to give people Evils - and YOU'LL get punched in the face for THEIR witchy-woman sorceries!
There's only one way around it - make a foil hat by all means... but make it a PIRATE HAT! Not only that, make yourself a tin-foil eyepatch and you are fully protected by thems what will try and manipulate your mind and bend you to their will.
And being dressed as a pirate is cool. Especially pirate wenches.
Mmmmmmm... pirate wenches...
On the other hand, forget psychics - let's have more hot chic psychicks:
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