Kidnap the soapstar babes, keep 'em in a box...

I thought I hadn't seen Alma Baldwin in Coronation Chicken Street lately!

Seems that Amanda Barrie has spent the past 10 years locked in an American Basement, and luckily a neighbor (Rita Fairclough? Emily Bishop?) overheard her screams and rescued her from the kidnappy clutches of Ken Barlow, where he forced her into sexual servitude clad in nothing but her Carry On Cleo costume.

or something.

And they arrested three men - so, that's Ken barlow, Kevin Webster and Tarby.

I don't know - you don't see these soapy stars for years on end, and it turns out they've been abducted by a (alleged) triumvirate of toddler touching pervy co-stars and comedians.

Not seen Betty Turpin for a long time either - probably been coerced into manual Labour. Gordon Ramsey whipping her nightly to mass produce her now legendary hot pots.

And what about Bennie out of Crossroads? Kept on a leash as a sex slave for Chastitty Dingle or someone most likely!

That reminds me - must nip down to the cellar and feed Carmel and Jacqui McQueen before they starve to death. At least the weather's heating up, so they won't be as cold in their Hollyoaks Babes Calendar bikinis.

Someone feed me a sweet roll...

Urghle!

Thursday - up at 8am, in Ipswich by 3pm. gig, home at 12:30am Friday.

Friday - up at 6:15, work, home, UEA for Simple Minds gig, on to The WhatACunt for '80s night, home about 2:30am Saturday.

Saturday - up at 8am, in City by 10:30, home by 4, shower, tart up, 9pm train to Londinium for all night clubbery! Thanks to Tube & Train troubles, home by 1:30 Sunday afternoon!

Sunday - Shower, and a brief nap before getting ready to come 4th in the quiz and home by about 11ish.

So I was a bit knackered today. Woked up - ooooh, so stiff!

Ache, ache, ache! Need to get some exercise - must've worked off about 20 stone doing all that non-stop dancing with little sleep. Just need to re-limber my muscles up and get some exercise done!

So...

A quick run from Solitude across to Windhelm, a brisk walk down to Riften, a marathon run from Riften to Riverwood before heading up to Whiterun. A bit of a workout there, with a bit of a sit-down while the Jarl blathered on and moaned about me being a Stormcloak. Then another run back up to Whiterun, followed by another hike down to Riften.

Phew, after all that strenuous exercise, I think I need another rest! Just time to catch up on Once Upon A Time and Grimm before...

...zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Charlie and the chocolate starfish...

Yay - the Fisting Crew were off to Slimelight, and what a night!

Downside - downstairs closed for a private partay, and so we were taunted on the stairs by the smell of unobtainable smokey noms :(

On the plus side - Trad Goth floor! Walked in, and the first song I hear is A Room With No View off the new March Violets album! Can this night get any better?

Oh my yes!

Bauhaus! Siouxsie! Sisters! Mission! Virgin Prunes! You name it - they played it...

...apart from the Neph (boo!).

Anyhew, not much in the way of Pretties this time - but many a wierdy. From the Jerry Sadowitz looky-likey, to Creepy Richard O'Brien In Matrix Shades Staring A Peoples And Creeping Them Out.

Not to mention Grandpa Joe, out dancing to celebrate his Golden Ticket win.

Although this time, he was not in a flimsy nightdress & slippers, prancing about. Instead, a top hat atop his white haired moustachio'd old face, as he repeated lifted his shirt exposing his breasticles for all the world to see.

And following us about, making the Mardy Otter somewhat paranoid!

And what them topless tosspieces were doing on the floor, I'll never know!

But then... we had to face The Bank Holiday Service Interruptions.

So, our train is at 8:14, with one change at Stratford. So, get the Tube for 7:10 in case it opens early. 7:25, we in. 7:30 on platform. Be at Liverpool Street by 10 to 8 - plenty of time!

Time passes...

7:50 - announcement - No Southbound Trains will be running on The Northern Line this morning.
FOOOK!
Dive over Northbound, leap on Kings Cross, race over to the Metropolitan Line, dive on the tube to Aldgate...
...which terminates at Moorgate... one stop before Liverpool Street!

Panic! Time's getting on. Race over to the Circle Line and dive on the tube.

Reach Liverpool Street at 8:09 - just enough time to... wait! There's no 8:14 on the boards!
Excuse me, Customer Services Man, the 8:14 to Norwich, changing at Stratford, which platform?
Cancelled! You'll need to get the Tube to Stratford and catch the 8:36 to Norwich!

FOOOK!

Race back into the Tube, and get the Central line to Stratford.
Panicy panicy... might just make it...
8:29 - 6 mins to get the train! Race up to the boards... which platform...

8:36 to Norwich: Cancelled.

FOOOK!

Excuse me, Customer Services Man - the 8:36 to Norwich, what's happening?
Not sure mate - all trains are cancelled. Go over to platform x and they can tell you more.

Race over to platform X.
Excuse me, Customer Services Pretty, the cancelled train to Norwich replaced by a train to Shenfield?
You'll need to get the train on Platform y. There'll be holding a train at Shenfield for you.

So, race back the way we came to get on the platform we just passed and dive on train.
Knackered! Shenfield can't be that far - let's stand.
17 stops later via the most longest, convoluted route, we arrive at Shenfield.

Excuse me, Customer Services Man - where's the Norwich Train
Sent it off 10 minutes ago. And there's no more trains to Norwich, as that was a one-off as engineering works have now finished.
Well what the feck are we supposed to do now?
You'll have to get the train to Clacton-On-Sea and change at Colchester.

Which leaves in 50 minutes.

FOOOK!

Right - drinks! An entire night clubbing in smokey venues, combined with much dashing about, hath left us somewhat dehydrated.

Ah. Sunday. A Bank Holiday Sunday. So the lone kiosk/shop is shut. And the vending machine will not accept any coins. And the Station Manager has run off and is hiding by the station entrance, rather than face the wrath of about 60 people dumped in Shenfield.

But, eventually, the train gets going... ...and people need a wee.

And, naturally, there's only one toilet on board.

And it's out of order.

So, we finally get to Colchester. Race over to the boards - yay! A Norwich train... in another 50 minutes.

FOOOK with added GRRRRRRR!

But the shop is open, and there are toilets! So time for drinks, pringles and muffins followed by a slash. Relief.

Time passes... 30 mins to go! 25! 20! And...
Apologies - the train has been delayed by 14 minutes!

Fuck off. Fuck. Right. Off. And then Fuck Off some more.

And then it finally arrives, and over the tannoy:

"This is the 11:02 service to Norwich. We're running about 15 minutes late due to an unscheduled stop at Shenfield..."

SCREAM!!!!!! We could've waited at Shenfield after all - and all sat together round a table.

Fucksehnamen!

We finally get into Norwich about 12:40 instead of 10:31.

"We apologize for arriving about 35 mins late"

35 mins? Over 2 hours you mathematically challenged shitbox!

Not happy.

Not happy at all.

I promised you a mattress. A miracoil, no less...

*FirstSet*
♪ Broken Glass Park
  ♪ Waterfront
    ♪ Once Upon A Time
      ♪ Up On The Catwalk
        ♪ Let There Be Love
          ♪ All The Things She Said
            ♪ War Babies
              ♪ Glittering Prize
                ♪ I travel

~ INTERVAL ~

*Second set*
♪ Speed Your Love Electro
  ♪ Book Of Brilliant Things
    ♪ Neon Lights
      ♪ Someone Somewhere In Summertime
        ♪ She's A River
          ♪ This Is Your Land
            ♪ Blood Diamonds
              ♪ The American
                ♪ Love Song
                  ♪ See The Lights
                    ♪ Don't You (forget about me)
                      ♪ Promised You A Miracle

*encore*
♫ New Gold Dream ('81/'82/'83/'84)
  ♫ Sanctify Yourself
    ♫ Space
      ♫ Alive & Kicking

Simple MInds, Celebrate - The Greatest Hits Tour, UEA, Norwich, 3rd May 2013

Cut to pretties playing violins...

What a fab day yesterday!

Start off in the City, scoping out HMV and That's Entertainment, picking up Sugar Tax for £1.99.

Then off to Ipshit to buy Heat Magazine see OMD...

...well, a side trip to the charity shops of Diss. Famed for being the Sixth Circle of Hell in Dante I-Lick-Hairy's poem The Divine Comedy. Generation Sex in a woodshed. or something. And indeed, in our Charity Shop quest for further budget tuneage, we moved toward the city, secure in our holy cause, and beheld such a fortress. And on every hand I saw a great plain of woe and cruel torment. Bitter tombs were scattered with flame made to glow all over, hotter then iron need be for any craft. And such dire laments issued forth as come only from those who are truly wretched, suffering and forever lost!

Which is about what I expected from Diss!

Anyhoo, finally get to Ipshit, and pick up our OMD VIP Pack.

A T-Shirt, a sticker, and VIP commemorative Ticket. Plus the actual tickets themselves and Gold VIP wristband.

Hold up - wasn't there supposed to be a signed Set List? Oh - the band are still in the middle of signing them. We should have them by the time Soundcheck starts.

Lets look at our tickets then. Knowing our luck, we'll be right at the back. They were allocated in order of when they were purchased.

Holy shitmonkeys!

Stalls, Row A, Seats 1 & 2! That's right at the front! Blimey o'Trousers! That's fabulous.

But... seats 1 & 2 though. They'll be right over on the far left or right side. Pissfudge. Oh well, won't get a brilliant view, but on the end so plenty of room for electroboppin'.

And in we go for soundcheck, and pick up our signed copy of the set list. Brilliant!

Right, lets's check out the seating plan, and see where our seats are... WTF - Row A is not only the front row, but consists of just 6 seats right in the middle!

By Satan's spurty cockstick - you couldn't get any better than that!

And so on to Phase 1: 40 mins of Soundcheck. Lots of discussion about Bottom End [snigger] and Smack [snigger] and how Andy can only hear phhhhrrrmmm when it should be tink ("It's an 80's thing"). And can the channel be dipped as the riser is acting as a bass amplifier, and...

Well, lots of techno babble. And then finally we gets some pre-show songs played through. Messages, Metroland, Night Café, Kissing The Machine and Electricity. There may have been another track also off the new album.

Alas, all too soon it was over, and we had to head out to Weatherspoons for tea. And MacDonalds for a Chocolate Fudge Brownie McFlurry. Oh, and get chatted up by some widowed Russian oligarch spending her wealth on gigs.

And then back for Phase 2: The main gig!

Oh my!

The light dim, and Paul "Pogo" Curtis is already standing! On comes John Foxx and... well, let's just say there was one person going absolutely mental. Everyone else remains seated, and Paul is bouncing and flailing like a lone loon, ending each song with an orgasmic warcry of "YEAH! YEAARGH! YEAH! OH YEAH! YAAARRRGGGHH! COME ON! I LOVE YOU JOHN!".

Me, I was to busy ogling up Hannah Peel of The Maths. Oh my, there's something about Pretties wildly wielding violins! I vaguely remember John Foxx playing the classic track "Underpants!", but mostly recall thinking if that skirt was a few inches shorter, it would brighten the track up no end. He may have played some other stuff, but I was fixated on the fantasy female fiddling away...

Still, after 35 mins of violin vixen voyeurism, a half hour break for a red faced Pogo Paul to recover for the next bout.

Whilst getting told off by Pushers Of Disabled for spoiling the view, and that the cripple would've kicked the dancer buffon out the way. If they had kicky legs. or something.

Ha! Just wait till OMD starts! What's the first track on that setlist? Please Remain Seated... yeah, like that's gonna happen!

Anyhoo, the main gig gets underway, and it was absolutely stonking fabulous! Spot on sound, atmosphere, everything! 90 mins of classic dad dancing, and us RIGHT at the very front and centre!

So, no change there then!

And then it's all over, and we had to race off back to Norwich so Paul could catch up on The Snooker, having not seen it all day and missed it so much.

Although I think he probably meant we had to race off back to Norwich so Paul could catch up with The Wife He Dotes On, having not seen her all day and missed her so much...

...although, he was seeing John Foxx, and knowing Paul, he probably forgot he was heterosexual and married to a woman in the throes of his love of Foxx...

Elect VIP...

*Main Set*
♪ Please Remain Seated
  ♪ Metroland
    ♪ Messages
      ♪ Tesla Girls
        ♪ Dresden
          ♪ History Of Modern I
              ♪ Forever Live & Die
                ♪ If You Leave
                  ♪ Night Café
                    ♪ Souvenir
                      ♪ Joan Of Arc
                        ♪ Maid Of Orleans
                          ♪ Our System
                            ♪ Talking Loud & Clear
                              ♪ Kissing The Machine
                                ♪ So In Love
                                  ♪ Sister Marie
                                    ♪ Locomotion
                                      ♪ Sailing On The Seven Seas
                                        ♪ Enola Gay

*encore*
♫ Walking On The Milky Way
  ♫ Electricity

Orchestral Manœuvres In The Dark, English Electric Tour, The Regent, IpShit, 2^nd May 2013
=====================================================================
Support by John Foxx And The Maths
♪ Evidence
  ♪ He's A Liquid
    ♪ Evergreen
      ♪ No-One Driving
        ♪ Summerland
          ♪ The Running Man
            ♪ Burning Car
              ♪ Catwalk
                ♪ Underpass

Sorry, no exact matches were found...

Gawdiggitynammit!

Right, first of all, tried to get my Siouxsie tickets for Yoko Ono's meltdown.

"Sorry, no exact matches were found..."

Fucksake! What's the point of having pre-sale tickets if there ain't none!

Grrrr!

And then, the Being Frank Kickstarter started! Oooh. Now, I did the March Violets one, and got one of the best albums ever. So, what Timperley Treats can I (and you) gets here...

being frank [sidebottom]: The Chris Sievey Story Kickstarter

Fucksake! I could be a producer!

If I wasn't worried about my job, I'd've pledged the required amount and got named on IMDB and the film as the Co-Producer, as well as getting tons of other stuff.

Instead, I had to go for a mid-range pledge. Still tempted to go for the Big One though... but STOP Xym! You could be out on yer ear later this year! You need to save yer pennies in case you join the Jeremy Kyle set!

Which would be ace if I can think of a brilliant come-back like that bloke yesterday!

See, I left me phone at home yesterday, so had to swing by the house to pick it up on me way towards cranial trimmage. Having 45mins spare, I stuck the telly on as I waded through the myriad of Facebook messages and texts I imagine I get. And JK was on (as they don't call him Jeremy Kyle prior to the Foxy Bingo intros no more). And it was the best rejoinder by a contestant, victim, guest ever.

"Her dad won't let me see my son!"

"Kids having kids. Why don't you put something on the end of it?"

"I do."

"Really."

"Yeah. It's called a woman."

Classic!