Oooh me belly.
Right, now. It appears one is in that there doghouse once more (thankfully wivvout Danny Dyer, the real life cockernee from Sahrf
For one went to sample the Spanish delights of Tapas (you mean Taypas!).
Oh dearie lordy me...
First shocker was the single shot with diet coke for a whopping £5.10 £5.10!!!! For a single shot with diet coke!
And it rapidly went downhill from there...
So I ordereded Pie. Pælla, that is. Squiddy, Prawny, Musselly seafoody pælla.
Not only did the useless staff just dump everyone's meals randomly over the table, causing much hassle in transference, but they mysteriously took some back away with them, and left diverse nameless dishes about that required much prodding and poking to identify.
And the garlic bread was burnt.
And the "pot of hot stew" was an ashtray filled with a splodge of tepid... something...
But the the pælla arrived...
First thing - 2 great huge fuck off prawns sat atop - full prawns, that is. Eyes glowering from a sea of manky oil filled rice. Shells glistening with a overabundance of oily gloop, legs a-plenty and detatched 'tashes all over the shop!
Marco Pierre White would be having a right old strop - unshelled prawnage, leaving the shitsack in? Disgusting! Mussels - yeah, you expect them to be in a shell, but Prawns should be prepared properly in the kitchen! You don't ask for Roast Pork and get an unshaven pig's head plonked on yer table, do ya!
So, they were cast aside!
"Just twist them, Xym, and take the meat out"
Tried that. Failed. Squirmy slippery shell stuck fast. So it was taken apart from me by others.
And I chewed upon said rubber.
So I tried the raw aubergine plonked in the centre. Chewy. Ever so chewy. So chewy, in fact, it had to be removed from mouth and hidden amongst the shellings!
Try the small prawns... not so bad.
Try the squid. Rubbery. So much rubber. Not like proper calamari.
Try the mussels - best bit so far! Yums!
Try the rice... where to start? The blackend, burnt onto the pan in the microwave bits around the edges? The orangey gloop of mush in the centre? The central ring of what looks like rice?
Start at the outer edge and work in.
Mmmm... luke warm crunchy rice....
Oooh, a central ring of tasty rice in a pleasant sauce...
Now for the pool of ricey gunk in the centre... ewwww. Cruncy bits of shell. Long strings of tough sinewy ropey stuffs. Odd areas that taste of lumps of metal. Odd mismatch of bizzare 'orrible flavours!
Nasty!
Wish I'd had the tenny portions of pots of stuffs instead.
But nooo - I had to ruin the night by being served the worst pælla in existance!
But, as ever, I exude misery that permeates the very fabic of everybody's psyche, and am now public enema number one.
Again.
Half one in the morning, and I'm curled up on the sofa with my stomach churning over with shooting cramps and hoping I haven't got food poisoning as I try and sort out my iPod that has suddenly decided not to synch, and I'm getting it both barrels off 2 of my harem harping on at me!
Maybe I should stay away from Social Intercourse once more, as it seems no matter how hard I try, I'm always in the wrong.
So, no more meals out for Xym. No more engaging in diverse discussions. No more helping people out or being there for them, no matter how Pretty they are or how much I love 'em.
The Xym is done trying to please people, supporting them, and generally being their whipping boy when they have no-one else to vent their spleen upon.
So, no, Xym ain't no-one's friend. He looks after himself, like everyone. Xymni is Xymni's friend...
