Ice cream!
Not just any old ice cream, but Haribo ice cream!
New Haribo push-ups!
Ice cream with gummy bears in the handle!
Strawberry swirlature like a creamy soiled tampon!
What more could you want on a chilly Spring lunchtime?
Nommage!
Monday, 22 April 2013
Sunday, 21 April 2013
The Shitting...
Ooooh, me poor bonce! Headachey headachey!
Poor Xym - finally got a hangover, have we?
No - I wasn't even out last night. I spent last night trying to watch the 98 minute documentary Room 237.
It took 4 hours.
Now, you all know The Xym - I know my conspiracy theorems! Aliens up at Groom Lake, man never went to the moon, Stamp Gnomes thieving all my possessions, tunnelling Tibetans trying to drag Xym off to Pay The Price in the Underground City of Shamballa for revealing the secrets of the Illuminati and our Lizard Overlords in human suits.
You know the kind of thing - the kind of thing that makes people say "Xym, you're weird. and mental. and scary to be around coz you think the sky is infested with 100ft wide invisible jellyfish that cause lightning bolts with their electric tentacles. And Rods. Multitude of multi-limbed Rods, swimming through the aquasphere with an Emu on the end of each arm and feeding off the hedge-hopping hogs."
Anyhoo - if you thought some of my ramblings were obscure, it pales into insignificance against the ravings of the mentals in Room 237!
Now, Room 237 is a sort of documentary, on the hidden secrets of Stanley Kubrik's movie version of The Shining. Of course, we all know Kubrik filled his films with subliminals and multiple narratives and dual meanings, etc. But I suspect some of these Special Needs people are reading too much into it.
"Oooh look! When Jack Torrance is in the big locker, there's a tub of Calument baking powder. That means that this whole film is about The West's genocide of the Native Americans! When the blood comes out of the elevators, it's meant to represent the slaughter all all the indians! And there's more..."
"Oooh look! See that typewriter - it's German! That's because this film represents the Holocaust. If you watch Schindler's List, it opens with Typewriters, because the Nazi's used typewriters! And if you're anal - you'll see the number 42 every where! Room 237 with the dead woman? 2 x 3 = 6, and 6 * 7 = 42, and World War 2 was in... 1942! And remember when Jack used the Big Bad Wolf line to Wendy? Well, Walt Disney was a racist, and the wolf that terrorised the pigs represents a Jew, so Jews are evil as is the wolf, and therefore Jack is a Nazi masquerading as a wolf because it's a masquerade ball! Note the dissolve from luggage to people - like the discarded suitcases in Auschwitcz. And Danny climbing into that metal cupboard to hide - that's a jew being shoved into the ovens!"
"Oooh look! This film is all about bears and greek tragedy all woven together! See that picture of a skier as they enter The Overlook? That's no skier - if you look closely, you'll see it's actually a Minotaur! No, really - look! And there's a Labyrinth outside, which makes Jack the Minotaur. Note how he pulls that mental face, head down but eyes looking up - just like a Minotaur! And he stays in the hotel because the Labyrinth is the hotel, and the Labyrinth outside isn't a Labyrinth - it's a hidden Mayan Calandar!"
"Oooh look! Notice how Danny wears an Appollo 11 jumper? Well, that's to tell you that Stanly Kubrick faked the moon landing film! That's not to say we never went there (you'd have to be mad to think that!), but the moon footage was so poor from radiation, that NASA got Kubrik to re-shoot it. In advance. Note how he rants at Wendy - that's not Jack yelling at Wendy - that is literally Stanley Kubrik confessing to his wife how he faked it! He had to do it that way to get around the official secrets act, and he was sick of her nagging him, so this was the only way he could confess without it looking like confessing! Notice the key says ROOM N° 237 - why a ° instead of a 0? Because it's an anagram of MOON ROOM!"
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
I had to keep rewinding to (a) confirm what bollocks I'd just heard, and (b) see what bollocks they were talking about, and (c) finally realise that the bollocks they're spouting is total bollocks!
"Watch this segment. Step through frame by frame... there! For one frame, they've painted in Kubrik's face as part of the clouds as a subliminal image!"
No! Buggery fuck NO! There is no fucking airbrushed manipulation of the clouds into Kubrik's face in that frame. Or the ones before or after. What the fuck you talking about, you gobshite!
And that Minotaur cunningly hidden as a skier on the poster. Fuck no - it's a fucking skier! It's got no cunting horns you senile old trout! It's a bloke, in a ski jacket, ski trousers, goggles, and skis. It's not a twatting Minotaur you retard!
And Room N° isn't an anagram of Moon Room - there's not enough 'M's or 'O's you tosspiece! Moon room my shitty spotty hairy arsed scrotum!
Yes, they picked up on a couple of actual points - how some so-called "continuity errors" weren't (things were deliberately moved to imply the Hotel was Alive, or Shined). And the Reverse Imagery like what Alan Moore did in Watchmen Chapter 5: Fearful Symmetry.
Fearful Symmetry is a mirror image of itself. Panel 1 is a reverse of the last panel, Panel 2 a reverse of the penultimate one, etc until the two halves meet in the middle. Kubrik did the same with The Shining, in that the first half precisely matches the reverse of the second half. Although it was precisely edited that way, it was never intended to be seen in that format. However, some people have managed to overlay the reverse of the film over the standard play... and it's very clever how Kubrik put it together, and the clues show a lot more about what's going on.
But that was only about 5 mins. 5 mins of actual real stuff which should have had a lot more analysis. But no, I had to sit through 4 hours of utter bollocks, reversing back constantly to check, and finding ever revelation was a pile of pants. That a drunk had vomited on. Then pissed themselves before finally shitting themselves. Then flung in a cupboard and forgot about for a couple of years.
I'm not sure if Room 237 was supposed to be a serious analysis, or just a "lets have a laugh at the mentals!" project. I'm hoping for the latter, as it could not be taken seriously on any level.
And they say I'm mental!
Poor Xym - finally got a hangover, have we?
No - I wasn't even out last night. I spent last night trying to watch the 98 minute documentary Room 237.
It took 4 hours.
Now, you all know The Xym - I know my conspiracy theorems! Aliens up at Groom Lake, man never went to the moon, Stamp Gnomes thieving all my possessions, tunnelling Tibetans trying to drag Xym off to Pay The Price in the Underground City of Shamballa for revealing the secrets of the Illuminati and our Lizard Overlords in human suits.
You know the kind of thing - the kind of thing that makes people say "Xym, you're weird. and mental. and scary to be around coz you think the sky is infested with 100ft wide invisible jellyfish that cause lightning bolts with their electric tentacles. And Rods. Multitude of multi-limbed Rods, swimming through the aquasphere with an Emu on the end of each arm and feeding off the hedge-hopping hogs."
Anyhoo - if you thought some of my ramblings were obscure, it pales into insignificance against the ravings of the mentals in Room 237!
Now, Room 237 is a sort of documentary, on the hidden secrets of Stanley Kubrik's movie version of The Shining. Of course, we all know Kubrik filled his films with subliminals and multiple narratives and dual meanings, etc. But I suspect some of these Special Needs people are reading too much into it.
"Oooh look! When Jack Torrance is in the big locker, there's a tub of Calument baking powder. That means that this whole film is about The West's genocide of the Native Americans! When the blood comes out of the elevators, it's meant to represent the slaughter all all the indians! And there's more..."
"Oooh look! See that typewriter - it's German! That's because this film represents the Holocaust. If you watch Schindler's List, it opens with Typewriters, because the Nazi's used typewriters! And if you're anal - you'll see the number 42 every where! Room 237 with the dead woman? 2 x 3 = 6, and 6 * 7 = 42, and World War 2 was in... 1942! And remember when Jack used the Big Bad Wolf line to Wendy? Well, Walt Disney was a racist, and the wolf that terrorised the pigs represents a Jew, so Jews are evil as is the wolf, and therefore Jack is a Nazi masquerading as a wolf because it's a masquerade ball! Note the dissolve from luggage to people - like the discarded suitcases in Auschwitcz. And Danny climbing into that metal cupboard to hide - that's a jew being shoved into the ovens!"
"Oooh look! This film is all about bears and greek tragedy all woven together! See that picture of a skier as they enter The Overlook? That's no skier - if you look closely, you'll see it's actually a Minotaur! No, really - look! And there's a Labyrinth outside, which makes Jack the Minotaur. Note how he pulls that mental face, head down but eyes looking up - just like a Minotaur! And he stays in the hotel because the Labyrinth is the hotel, and the Labyrinth outside isn't a Labyrinth - it's a hidden Mayan Calandar!"
"Oooh look! Notice how Danny wears an Appollo 11 jumper? Well, that's to tell you that Stanly Kubrick faked the moon landing film! That's not to say we never went there (you'd have to be mad to think that!), but the moon footage was so poor from radiation, that NASA got Kubrik to re-shoot it. In advance. Note how he rants at Wendy - that's not Jack yelling at Wendy - that is literally Stanley Kubrik confessing to his wife how he faked it! He had to do it that way to get around the official secrets act, and he was sick of her nagging him, so this was the only way he could confess without it looking like confessing! Notice the key says ROOM N° 237 - why a ° instead of a 0? Because it's an anagram of MOON ROOM!"
What. The. Utter. Fuck?
I had to keep rewinding to (a) confirm what bollocks I'd just heard, and (b) see what bollocks they were talking about, and (c) finally realise that the bollocks they're spouting is total bollocks!
"Watch this segment. Step through frame by frame... there! For one frame, they've painted in Kubrik's face as part of the clouds as a subliminal image!"
No! Buggery fuck NO! There is no fucking airbrushed manipulation of the clouds into Kubrik's face in that frame. Or the ones before or after. What the fuck you talking about, you gobshite!
And that Minotaur cunningly hidden as a skier on the poster. Fuck no - it's a fucking skier! It's got no cunting horns you senile old trout! It's a bloke, in a ski jacket, ski trousers, goggles, and skis. It's not a twatting Minotaur you retard!
And Room N° isn't an anagram of Moon Room - there's not enough 'M's or 'O's you tosspiece! Moon room my shitty spotty hairy arsed scrotum!
Yes, they picked up on a couple of actual points - how some so-called "continuity errors" weren't (things were deliberately moved to imply the Hotel was Alive, or Shined). And the Reverse Imagery like what Alan Moore did in Watchmen Chapter 5: Fearful Symmetry.
Fearful Symmetry is a mirror image of itself. Panel 1 is a reverse of the last panel, Panel 2 a reverse of the penultimate one, etc until the two halves meet in the middle. Kubrik did the same with The Shining, in that the first half precisely matches the reverse of the second half. Although it was precisely edited that way, it was never intended to be seen in that format. However, some people have managed to overlay the reverse of the film over the standard play... and it's very clever how Kubrik put it together, and the clues show a lot more about what's going on.
But that was only about 5 mins. 5 mins of actual real stuff which should have had a lot more analysis. But no, I had to sit through 4 hours of utter bollocks, reversing back constantly to check, and finding ever revelation was a pile of pants. That a drunk had vomited on. Then pissed themselves before finally shitting themselves. Then flung in a cupboard and forgot about for a couple of years.
I'm not sure if Room 237 was supposed to be a serious analysis, or just a "lets have a laugh at the mentals!" project. I'm hoping for the latter, as it could not be taken seriously on any level.
And they say I'm mental!
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Like a gusset with a string...
... as Sandi Shaw once bare-footedly sang.
There appears to be a new fashion among them there clubbing womens. That of the Party Popper.
Not the confetti spraying exposive treat, but the ripcord for the mouse hunting for nob cheese in the unkempt mouse hole and finding only strawberry jamrags.
This mode of attire is presented to full effect by the skank ho tart on the right here. Leg hoisted on high to display her mentrual accoutrément. Ha! So much for consensual "no-strings attached" nobbery here!
Rather than shriek in disgust (disgusset?) at her wanton tampon danglement, I think I may have a New Business Venture for Dragon's Den.
Quim Pulls! The ceramic pussy plug puller!
Decorative fixtures that adorn ye mingemouse tail and give it some bling. Just like a shower cord or bathroom light. Although the point of the light/shower pull is to avoid getting your fingers all wet and getting a shock off the socket, which is somewhat moot if the lubricated lush is frothing at the gash.
Anyhoo, I think I'll start off with this range:
Here, we have:
The Clef
Ideal for clubbers who love music when on the blob.
The Fishy Fanny
For those ladies who need a can of FeBreeze up their chuff after a good nights clubbin' and grindin' and snoggin'. and fingerin'. And the fishes may end up covered in batter too!
The Pussy
A ceramic pussy... for your pussy!
The Jeremy Kyle
Bog standard poundland special for the lovely chavettes who sit at home all day long having unprotected sex with the occasional break for drink and drugs.
Yep - think I'm on to a winner here! Xym the Entrepeneur! Don't know if Alan Sugar will go for it - have to try that Square Shouldered Man-Thing what looked like Jessie J crossed with Kosh and a smack in the face with a brick that was on the last series.
There appears to be a new fashion among them there clubbing womens. That of the Party Popper.
Not the confetti spraying exposive treat, but the ripcord for the mouse hunting for nob cheese in the unkempt mouse hole and finding only strawberry jamrags.
Rather than shriek in disgust (disgusset?) at her wanton tampon danglement, I think I may have a New Business Venture for Dragon's Den.
Quim Pulls! The ceramic pussy plug puller!
Decorative fixtures that adorn ye mingemouse tail and give it some bling. Just like a shower cord or bathroom light. Although the point of the light/shower pull is to avoid getting your fingers all wet and getting a shock off the socket, which is somewhat moot if the lubricated lush is frothing at the gash.
Anyhoo, I think I'll start off with this range:
The Clef
Ideal for clubbers who love music when on the blob.
The Fishy Fanny
For those ladies who need a can of FeBreeze up their chuff after a good nights clubbin' and grindin' and snoggin'. and fingerin'. And the fishes may end up covered in batter too!
The Pussy
A ceramic pussy... for your pussy!
The Jeremy Kyle
Bog standard poundland special for the lovely chavettes who sit at home all day long having unprotected sex with the occasional break for drink and drugs.
Yep - think I'm on to a winner here! Xym the Entrepeneur! Don't know if Alan Sugar will go for it - have to try that Square Shouldered Man-Thing what looked like Jessie J crossed with Kosh and a smack in the face with a brick that was on the last series.
Friday, 19 April 2013
Put on that dress, I'm going, out camping...
... at a log cabin in wholly inappropriate attire.
Some movies work. They have a charm about them that endears you to it. They build up suspense and drama through sound, FX, camera angles and acting.
Alas, some people decide to remake them films and ruin them to buggeration.
Last night, we went to see the remake of The Evil Dead and I was really looking forward to it. This is gonna be epic!
Well, sod all that - it was a dirge of titanic proportions. Dumbass predictability turned into a by-the-books slaughterfest. Gorehounds will probably love the preposterous carnage, but it's a badly acted, soulless mess of a movie with more plotholes that a plothole that has opened up across a road with a plethora of plotholes within.
WARNING: Here Be Spoilers:
So, film kicks off in Modern Times, with some ridiculous abduction of a blood splattered young girl, who is taken into a cellar to be purified by her dad, a bunch of unexplained mutants, and an 18th century witchy-woman type. Basically, the girl is a Deadite... but not in the classic Evil Dead sense. This is just a shouty woman with yellow contacts and a gob full of black goo.
A few weeks later, and here come the Circle Of Friends. A Nurse (sorry, Doctor) and her BF, A Gormster and his girlfriend, and they're bringing the Gormsters sister to the cabin as an intervention.
No scary swing banging in the wind to stop motionless here, or any other eerieness.
It just gets dumb, with lame references and random quotes from the Original Trilogy.
First of all, only the detoxing woman can smell dead cat, which leads to the discovery of The Necronomicon Ex Mortiis... sorry, the Naturom Demonto, which is probably Latin for Demonic Nasturtiums, or something.
Which would have explained the rapey foliage... if it hadn't been replaced by black spaghetti taking up residence in minge.
Anyhoo, somehow the Doctor's BF gets a paper cut, and this makes him realise he can do brass rubbings on the book (?) and uses a pencil on some spare paper to rub the page to reveal the phrases to invoke the Kandarian Demons. Boringly spoken without Professor Knowby's trembling fervour on the original tape recording.
Anyhoo - this invokes the Forest Entity, whose forest glide is (a) too sharp, (b) too smooth and (c) not scary. The whole rumbling multiple vocal groaning has been replaced with a dull monotone.
So we get the reverse birth entry of the black slimy spag bol, and the yellow eyes and drooling black from the gob. And the jolty head movements. And the locking in the cellar.
They must have cut "We're gonna get you", as I saw it on a trailer. Either that, or I missed it through sheer boredom.
Suffice to say, from now on, it's predictable stupidity and gore.
Like after locking a manical shouty demon into a cellar, and after further horrors, go back to the living room when BOOM! The cellar door opens. Rather than slam it shut, the dumbass approaches cautiously and slowly, and view sthe cowering figure she knows to be a murderous bitey monster. Phew - still in the cellar! But no - don't shut the door and lock it - decides to make her way down to the killer beastie to "see if they're alright and ready to leave to get help", before predictably reaching it before the monstrosity turns on her. Dumbass.
Gormsters!
Mind you - them young one's are a bit thick these days. With short skirts being essential for cellar based battle, one poor lass ends up at the mercy of the other female Deadite, who slowly licks up her leg before burying her face in her box before uttering "I can smell your filthy soul!"
That's no soul - that's a flange! Don't they teach biology these days? A soul is a metaphysical concept, and therefore bereft of aroma, let along the scent of fillet o'fishy fanny.
There's more incomprehensibility as the book reveals the [prophecy?] and how to get out of the sticky jam they're in. I don't think you can suffocate with a baggy bag on your head all loose about the neck, but what do I know?
I know this reboot makes feck all sense, and was nothing more than an excuse for a poor rehash of three much better movies. And let's be honest - the originals weren't brilliant. But perhaps it's because of their poor production that they do work. The original is a grimy, dirty, nasty, comic piece of brilliance. The remake is so polished it doesn't even squeak at any set-up scares that fail to scare.
On the whole - VERY disappointed, I didn't even wait for the post-credits sequence1 of Ashley Williams returning to the cabin for the set up of ED4 (or the new ED2).
1 WHICH HAS BEEN CUT DOWN SIGNIFICANTLY. INSTEAD OF ASH PASSING BY AND RUNNING INTO THE SURVIVOR(S), REALISING HE'S ON AGAIN, AND TURNING TO CAMERA/CABIN SAYING "GROOVY" - IT'S JUST THE TURN TO CAMERA TO SAY "GROOVY" WITH NO CONTEXT. POOR. PISS POOR.
Some movies work. They have a charm about them that endears you to it. They build up suspense and drama through sound, FX, camera angles and acting.
Alas, some people decide to remake them films and ruin them to buggeration.
Last night, we went to see the remake of The Evil Dead and I was really looking forward to it. This is gonna be epic!
Well, sod all that - it was a dirge of titanic proportions. Dumbass predictability turned into a by-the-books slaughterfest. Gorehounds will probably love the preposterous carnage, but it's a badly acted, soulless mess of a movie with more plotholes that a plothole that has opened up across a road with a plethora of plotholes within.
WARNING: Here Be Spoilers:
So, film kicks off in Modern Times, with some ridiculous abduction of a blood splattered young girl, who is taken into a cellar to be purified by her dad, a bunch of unexplained mutants, and an 18th century witchy-woman type. Basically, the girl is a Deadite... but not in the classic Evil Dead sense. This is just a shouty woman with yellow contacts and a gob full of black goo.
A few weeks later, and here come the Circle Of Friends. A Nurse (sorry, Doctor) and her BF, A Gormster and his girlfriend, and they're bringing the Gormsters sister to the cabin as an intervention.
No scary swing banging in the wind to stop motionless here, or any other eerieness.
It just gets dumb, with lame references and random quotes from the Original Trilogy.
First of all, only the detoxing woman can smell dead cat, which leads to the discovery of The Necronomicon Ex Mortiis... sorry, the Naturom Demonto, which is probably Latin for Demonic Nasturtiums, or something.
Which would have explained the rapey foliage... if it hadn't been replaced by black spaghetti taking up residence in minge.
Anyhoo, somehow the Doctor's BF gets a paper cut, and this makes him realise he can do brass rubbings on the book (?) and uses a pencil on some spare paper to rub the page to reveal the phrases to invoke the Kandarian Demons. Boringly spoken without Professor Knowby's trembling fervour on the original tape recording.
Anyhoo - this invokes the Forest Entity, whose forest glide is (a) too sharp, (b) too smooth and (c) not scary. The whole rumbling multiple vocal groaning has been replaced with a dull monotone.
So we get the reverse birth entry of the black slimy spag bol, and the yellow eyes and drooling black from the gob. And the jolty head movements. And the locking in the cellar.
They must have cut "We're gonna get you", as I saw it on a trailer. Either that, or I missed it through sheer boredom.
Suffice to say, from now on, it's predictable stupidity and gore.
Like after locking a manical shouty demon into a cellar, and after further horrors, go back to the living room when BOOM! The cellar door opens. Rather than slam it shut, the dumbass approaches cautiously and slowly, and view sthe cowering figure she knows to be a murderous bitey monster. Phew - still in the cellar! But no - don't shut the door and lock it - decides to make her way down to the killer beastie to "see if they're alright and ready to leave to get help", before predictably reaching it before the monstrosity turns on her. Dumbass.
Gormsters!
Mind you - them young one's are a bit thick these days. With short skirts being essential for cellar based battle, one poor lass ends up at the mercy of the other female Deadite, who slowly licks up her leg before burying her face in her box before uttering "I can smell your filthy soul!"
That's no soul - that's a flange! Don't they teach biology these days? A soul is a metaphysical concept, and therefore bereft of aroma, let along the scent of fillet o'fishy fanny.
There's more incomprehensibility as the book reveals the [prophecy?] and how to get out of the sticky jam they're in. I don't think you can suffocate with a baggy bag on your head all loose about the neck, but what do I know?
I know this reboot makes feck all sense, and was nothing more than an excuse for a poor rehash of three much better movies. And let's be honest - the originals weren't brilliant. But perhaps it's because of their poor production that they do work. The original is a grimy, dirty, nasty, comic piece of brilliance. The remake is so polished it doesn't even squeak at any set-up scares that fail to scare.
On the whole - VERY disappointed, I didn't even wait for the post-credits sequence1 of Ashley Williams returning to the cabin for the set up of ED4 (or the new ED2).
1 WHICH HAS BEEN CUT DOWN SIGNIFICANTLY. INSTEAD OF ASH PASSING BY AND RUNNING INTO THE SURVIVOR(S), REALISING HE'S ON AGAIN, AND TURNING TO CAMERA/CABIN SAYING "GROOVY" - IT'S JUST THE TURN TO CAMERA TO SAY "GROOVY" WITH NO CONTEXT. POOR. PISS POOR.
Thursday, 18 April 2013
6% None The wiser...
Piss on me
'coz of the manky shareprice
'coz of the manky shareprice
Cast me
out on the guttered street
Lift my begging hand
out on the guttered street
Lift my begging hand
Strike up my bonce make the fireflies dance
Silver coins tumbling
Just piss on me..
You know, I think when I get made redundant, I'll get a job as a CEO.
I mean, how hard can it be? The application form must look something like this:
Q: How would you make us more efficient?
a) Invest in Staff
b) Invest in Systems
c) Introduce training for staff on systems
d) Hire more staff to manage the excess workload
e) Make a vast amount of staff redundant to cut costs quickly to improve profits?
And as every new CEO answers E, it can't be that hard, surely!
See, you cut lots of staff, and get in a pickle.
The you cut more staff and outsource, on the basis that outsourcing is somehow cheaper. Unfortunately, the outsource partners cottoned on to this, so to recoup their profits, they hire more staff. The argument goes like this:
CEO: Why have we got X staff? We pay them £amount in salary! Yet an outsourced partner pays the same role 25% less and claim they can do the job! For each person we take off our salary roll, we can get an equivalent person from outsourcing and reduce our budget by a quarter!Outsource Parner: Right, they have one person doing that role? But that's more than a singular role. We need to split that out into 12 individual assignement - that means we can charge them for 12 people instead of 1! And if we drag out our processes to make a 5 minute task take three weeks, we can rake it in!
CEO: Damn that crosswind - looks like I'll be over par on his hole. Did you say I could blag a free holiday, I mean make an essential business trip to the Taj Mahall to review the labyrinthine contracts?
And you end up with a more expensive service and poorer service by untrained people unable to do the role (or who claimed they had no skills in that role).
So, you think: How come we pay all this money to outsource partners, and the service is well below what we used to have? We need to train up out internal stafff again and bring work back in!
And so you outsourced more, and reduce head count again.
And now a backlog builds up. Incompentent outsource partners, and too few experts left to correct the mistakes and keep the work flowing.
CEO: This situation is untenable! Lets take on contractors - get the experts in, short-term, and get this work done!
...later...
CEO: Hold on - how much do contractors cost? HOW MUCH? Right, we'll simplify - we'll make the business Agile and Lean. Get rid of expensive contractors. Cut jobs where we can. Long Term, let's consider hiring more staff! Train up our internal capability, and get back to having an efficient service.
And now, understaffed and overworked. In comes a new CEO. What can we do to improve efficiency? What, projects are being worked on because there's not enough staff to work on them? Backlogs are increasing due to a lack of staff? We're losing business through poor offshore service in call centres and badly coded, delayed IT?
Surely he won't fall into the rookie CEO clone default mode of Cut Jobs! Cut Jobs!
What's he doing? A recruitment drive? More budget for training? Streamlining process to make them efficient?
6% cut in staff!
And because making people redundant isn't cost effective, reduce the redundancy payout! What, 4 weeks per year worked up to a max of 102 weeks? Stuff that - make it 78 weeks max and pay them 24 weeks less! Even better, come December, make it 2 weeks instead of 4, and halve whatever we would have lost out of our profit margin!
Yep - I think I'll move into a CEO role when I gets thrown out - seems a piece of piss to me! Come in, cut staff numbers, get million squid bonus and golden pension, then get a golden handshake as you go off to another CEO role to ruin another company!
Wednesday, 17 April 2013
CSI: Timperley
You know that film Taken? Well, it was based on a true story from the 1980s.
Liam Neeson was cast as Frank Sidebottom, who, on a trip to Londium found that his only daughter/puppet Little Denise had been abducted. Despite appeals, Little Denise has never been found and may still be held in a box in some cellar by a puppet Fritzl somewhere, like Natascha Kampusch.
The sorrow at her disappearance is heartfeltly captured in Little Frank's benefit song "S.O.S." found on the album 5:9:88
Anyhoo, if anyone out there know where Little Denise is, please contact Being Frank: The Chris Sievey Story so she can be part of the documentary about Frank Sidebottoms life.
And reunite her with Little Frank, as it's bobbins trying to snog a girlfriend with no head:
Liam Neeson was cast as Frank Sidebottom, who, on a trip to Londium found that his only daughter/puppet Little Denise had been abducted. Despite appeals, Little Denise has never been found and may still be held in a box in some cellar by a puppet Fritzl somewhere, like Natascha Kampusch.
The sorrow at her disappearance is heartfeltly captured in Little Frank's benefit song "S.O.S." found on the album 5:9:88
♪ Where is Denise's Head, it seems so hard to find
I try to talk to her, but she has got no mind
I'd really try to make one, I really wish I could
But with my cardbard hands, it just would be no good
I try to talk to her, but she has got no mind
I'd really try to make one, I really wish I could
But with my cardbard hands, it just would be no good
[chorus]
Now you're half near me, can you half hear me
S.O.S.
S.O.S.
The love I gave you, but I can't save you
S.O.S.
S.O.S.
You're half gone, how can I even try to go on (s.o.s.)
You're half there, but not the bit with the eyes or the hair
You're half there, but not the bit with the eyes or the hair
It was a London gig, and I'd just finished the show
I looked around for you, I didn't see you go
I looked around for you, I didn't see you go
Whatever happened to her, I wish I understood
Who'd pinch some paper and glue nailed to a piece of wood?
Who'd pinch some paper and glue nailed to a piece of wood?
[chorus]
Where is my girlfriend's head, it used to look dead good?
[chorus] ♫"
Anyhoo, if anyone out there know where Little Denise is, please contact Being Frank: The Chris Sievey Story so she can be part of the documentary about Frank Sidebottoms life.
And reunite her with Little Frank, as it's bobbins trying to snog a girlfriend with no head:
The original appeal:
Tuesday, 16 April 2013
He'll be the Xym by the kerb...
In the gutter...
Oopsie!
Looks like The Xym is out of a job soon!
Some people are right miserable, useless gormsters, who burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and complain about you because of the ingrained idiocy.
See I was extremely busy t'other day. In the midst of complicated coding, compiling and expediting, requiring a lot of concentration.
Unfortunately, some tool had the idea to roll out an office tool called Communicator, which is an instant messaging thingy. So some creting will, at the drop of a hat, send you a message that pops on on the screen and interrupts your business.
Unfortunately, I'm not very tolerate of incompetent tomfoolery from crybabies who still think The Xym is psychic.
The interruption was:
"Some user has some difficulty on some system. Can you add the user to some tables".
Which, as a request, is somewhat less than moronic. Not only do I not know what user they're blathering on about, I have no idea what this difficulty is. Nor do I know what system it is. Come to mention it, they don't even explain what tables need this user adding to!
And apparently, I'm in trub for being unhelpful!
And I couldn't have picked a worse time, coz we're about to have another reorg (who'd've thunk it!), and I'm now right at the top of the radar and the firing line of redundance is pointed at unhelpful ole me.
OK, so I may have been a bit sarcastic in pointing out that asking their request was like me asking him to change some SQL to get that report correct with the specific figures for that system on that database for a particular spreadsheet.
But no - Xym is the bad guy because some 'tard thought "someone having some problem with something and need to be added to something somewhere" is an acceptable request to me.
If you ask me, is the gobshite who pesters you with dumbass queries who should be sacked! If you can't manage to formulate your request in a fashion that can be interpreted, you deserve being made redundant.
Me - I'd've said: "Hi, User [user's name/ID] cannot [log on/process data/gets message {message shown}] when using [Name of System]. I think it's because they're [not on/removed from] table [table name]. Can you add them in please, or do I have to raise a request to your team?"
Obviously not - that would be too helpful. Clearly I'm supposed to suck it up and not challenge the vagueness of unspecified users having unspecified problems on an unspecified system, and just go ahead and add the unspecified users to an unspecified table.
So it looks like Xym's heading for unemployment when the next reorg comes along.
Still, at least them I can join the Jeremy Kyle set, which my days off have shown are nothing but staying on the dole having unprotected sex all day long with multiple partners, with the occasional break for a drugs fix.
Remember to toss a coin in my flamboyant hat when you see me huddled in the Iceland Doorway, now the other tramp has been evicted.
Oopsie!
Looks like The Xym is out of a job soon!
Some people are right miserable, useless gormsters, who burst into tears at the drop of a hat, and complain about you because of the ingrained idiocy.
See I was extremely busy t'other day. In the midst of complicated coding, compiling and expediting, requiring a lot of concentration.
Unfortunately, some tool had the idea to roll out an office tool called Communicator, which is an instant messaging thingy. So some creting will, at the drop of a hat, send you a message that pops on on the screen and interrupts your business.
Unfortunately, I'm not very tolerate of incompetent tomfoolery from crybabies who still think The Xym is psychic.
The interruption was:
"Some user has some difficulty on some system. Can you add the user to some tables".
Which, as a request, is somewhat less than moronic. Not only do I not know what user they're blathering on about, I have no idea what this difficulty is. Nor do I know what system it is. Come to mention it, they don't even explain what tables need this user adding to!
And apparently, I'm in trub for being unhelpful!
And I couldn't have picked a worse time, coz we're about to have another reorg (who'd've thunk it!), and I'm now right at the top of the radar and the firing line of redundance is pointed at unhelpful ole me.
OK, so I may have been a bit sarcastic in pointing out that asking their request was like me asking him to change some SQL to get that report correct with the specific figures for that system on that database for a particular spreadsheet.
But no - Xym is the bad guy because some 'tard thought "someone having some problem with something and need to be added to something somewhere" is an acceptable request to me.
If you ask me, is the gobshite who pesters you with dumbass queries who should be sacked! If you can't manage to formulate your request in a fashion that can be interpreted, you deserve being made redundant.
Me - I'd've said: "Hi, User [user's name/ID] cannot [log on/process data/gets message {message shown}] when using [Name of System]. I think it's because they're [not on/removed from] table [table name]. Can you add them in please, or do I have to raise a request to your team?"
Obviously not - that would be too helpful. Clearly I'm supposed to suck it up and not challenge the vagueness of unspecified users having unspecified problems on an unspecified system, and just go ahead and add the unspecified users to an unspecified table.
So it looks like Xym's heading for unemployment when the next reorg comes along.
Still, at least them I can join the Jeremy Kyle set, which my days off have shown are nothing but staying on the dole having unprotected sex all day long with multiple partners, with the occasional break for a drugs fix.
Remember to toss a coin in my flamboyant hat when you see me huddled in the Iceland Doorway, now the other tramp has been evicted.
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