... at a log cabin in wholly inappropriate attire.
Some movies work. They have a charm about them that endears you to it. They build up suspense and drama through sound, FX, camera angles and acting.
Alas, some people decide to remake them films and ruin them to buggeration.
Last night, we went to see the remake of The Evil Dead and I was really looking forward to it. This is gonna be epic!
Well, sod all that - it was a dirge of titanic proportions. Dumbass predictability turned into a by-the-books slaughterfest. Gorehounds will probably love the preposterous carnage, but it's a badly acted, soulless mess of a movie with more plotholes that a plothole that has opened up across a road with a plethora of plotholes within.
WARNING: Here Be Spoilers:
So, film kicks off in Modern Times, with some ridiculous abduction of a blood splattered young girl, who is taken into a cellar to be purified by her dad, a bunch of unexplained mutants, and an 18th century witchy-woman type. Basically, the girl is a Deadite... but not in the classic Evil Dead sense. This is just a shouty woman with yellow contacts and a gob full of black goo.
A few weeks later, and here come the Circle Of Friends. A Nurse (sorry, Doctor) and her BF, A Gormster and his girlfriend, and they're bringing the Gormsters sister to the cabin as an intervention.
No scary swing banging in the wind to stop motionless here, or any other eerieness.
It just gets dumb, with lame references and random quotes from the Original Trilogy.
First of all, only the detoxing woman can smell dead cat, which leads to the discovery of The Necronomicon Ex Mortiis... sorry, the Naturom Demonto, which is probably Latin for Demonic Nasturtiums, or something.
Which would have explained the rapey foliage... if it hadn't been replaced by black spaghetti taking up residence in minge.
Anyhoo, somehow the Doctor's BF gets a paper cut, and this makes him realise he can do brass rubbings on the book (?) and uses a pencil on some spare paper to rub the page to reveal the phrases to invoke the Kandarian Demons. Boringly spoken without Professor Knowby's trembling fervour on the original tape recording.
Anyhoo - this invokes the Forest Entity, whose forest glide is (a) too sharp, (b) too smooth and (c) not scary. The whole rumbling multiple vocal groaning has been replaced with a dull monotone.
So we get the reverse birth entry of the black slimy spag bol, and the yellow eyes and drooling black from the gob. And the jolty head movements. And the locking in the cellar.
They must have cut "We're gonna get you", as I saw it on a trailer. Either that, or I missed it through sheer boredom.
Suffice to say, from now on, it's predictable stupidity and gore.
Like after locking a manical shouty demon into a cellar, and after further horrors, go back to the living room when BOOM! The cellar door opens. Rather than slam it shut, the dumbass approaches cautiously and slowly, and view sthe cowering figure she knows to be a murderous bitey monster. Phew - still in the cellar! But no - don't shut the door and lock it - decides to make her way down to the killer beastie to "see if they're alright and ready to leave to get help", before predictably reaching it before the monstrosity turns on her. Dumbass.
Gormsters!
Mind you - them young one's are a bit thick these days. With short skirts being essential for cellar based battle, one poor lass ends up at the mercy of the other female Deadite, who slowly licks up her leg before burying her face in her box before uttering "I can smell your filthy soul!"
That's no soul - that's a flange! Don't they teach biology these days? A soul is a metaphysical concept, and therefore bereft of aroma, let along the scent of fillet o'fishy fanny.
There's more incomprehensibility as the book reveals the [prophecy?] and how to get out of the sticky jam they're in. I don't think you can suffocate with a baggy bag on your head all loose about the neck, but what do I know?
I know this reboot makes feck all sense, and was nothing more than an excuse for a poor rehash of three much better movies. And let's be honest - the originals weren't brilliant. But perhaps it's because of their poor production that they do work. The original is a grimy, dirty, nasty, comic piece of brilliance. The remake is so polished it doesn't even squeak at any set-up scares that fail to scare.
On the whole - VERY disappointed, I didn't even wait for the post-credits sequence1 of Ashley Williams returning to the cabin for the set up of ED4 (or the new ED2).
1 WHICH HAS BEEN CUT DOWN SIGNIFICANTLY. INSTEAD OF ASH PASSING BY AND RUNNING INTO THE SURVIVOR(S), REALISING HE'S ON AGAIN, AND TURNING TO CAMERA/CABIN SAYING "GROOVY" - IT'S JUST THE TURN TO CAMERA TO SAY "GROOVY" WITH NO CONTEXT. POOR. PISS POOR.
