♪"We can fist if we want to
We can leave your friends behind
'Cause your friends don't fist
and if they don't fist
Well, they're no friends of mine!"♫
Ok, back from Resistanz, and it's time to document The Fisty Dance.
Now, in the past there have been several variations of such pugilistic performance of anal invasionary symbolism, usually going up to each other and repeatedly raising your fist in their face. Often whilst growling "Arrrrrr" in a piratey stylee.
But now, we have an Official Dance with Official Moves! Once that's guaranteed to make you lots of new friends.
Oooooh!
Requirements for the fisty dance
Two arms - one for the fisting, and once to hold an accoutrément
One drink (the aforementioned accoutrément). Any drink will do, but for practicallity I would recommend a half pint beverage. For authenticity, it should really be a double vodka and coke in one of them small plastic cups you get in clubs.
The Dance itself
Ideally, this should be performed in a group (see Variations below), but the moves are standard for all individuals. Instructions below or for the right-handed, but feel free to reverse the elements if you're one of them there deformed left-handed mutants descended from irradiated folk who live in hills and prey on the unwary traveller.
Step 1 - get into position.
a) Stand vertical, as stiff as a plank! Arms flat by your sides.
b) Raise your right arm at the elbow only until your forearm is parallel to the ground, ie at 90° to the body. This is your drinking arm - endure that your glass/bottle is held firmly in your grip.
b) Raise your left arm at the shoulder into the aggressive Fist presentation. ie upper arm approx. 90° to the ground, with your forearms raised as if delivering an uppercut to someone's face.
c) Keep eyes looking straight ahead
Step 2 - the move
a) Relax the wrist with the held drink (otherwise you'll spill it, and you don't spill alcohol!)
b) Keeping your upper body and lower body rigid, bend forwards about 45° at the waist. Apart from the waist bend, the only other movement should be your wrist keeping your booze level.
c) Rise back up into a vertical stance.
d) Repeat steps b-c until you either collapse into hysterics, or get bored, or some chavs come and duff you up.
Important note: The bend and raise should be in time to the beat of the music, so everyone is performing synchronised fistage. Remember - the angle of the dangle is inversely proportional to the heat of the beat. Before you know it, you'll have drawn in lots of new Fisty Dancers, all having a right laugh.
Variations
For best effect, the above dance is best performed by at least 2 people, side by side, to get a row going. A circle of 3 or more is fine, but may put off people joining in who see The Fisty Dance for the first time.
Variation #1: Torching Dr Peyton
This is like one of them bird things with the water filled arse, like the one whose beak triggered the lighter in Darkman and gave Liam Neeson a singeing. Instead of the full waist bend, begin with a slight bend, and over the course of the song, bend further forward each time.
Variation #2: The Mexican Wave
Requires a good few participants. One person starts off The Fisty Dance, and each person offsets their bend fractionally. This is extremely effective with a small circle of dancers if a perpetual wave can be maintained through the song.
Variation #3: The Quo
Requires 2 participants facing each other, but each turning to their left slightly. They can then perform the Fisty Dance without headbutting each other.
Variation #4: The Heavy Metaller
As per The Quo, but directly facing each other and giving each other headbutts,
Variation #5: The Motorboat
As per The Heavy Metaller, except one person bends as the other rises. The bend forward should result in a burying of the face within the busoms of your opposing partner - preferably those of a buxom wench, and not the dude boobs of a sweaty porky fellow. A headshake whilst embedded in the cavernous cleavage is not permissible (as The Fisty Dance is motionless apart from the bending element), unless under express permission of your willing dance partner.
Variation #6: The Old Man's Fudge Tunnel
Less rigidity is permitted here. In this iteration, your "fisting hand" starts low at your side. As you return to a vertical stance, the fist should be raised slightly higher each time, so it incrementally builds up into full raised fist mode, where it stays for the duration of the dance.
Variation #7: The Hydro-active Replenisher
A slightly more difficult move with the risk of dampening spillage. This is the standard dance, but like The Old Man's Fudge Tunnnel requires incremental movement of the arm. But this time, it's the arm with the drink. After each bow, as you return to the vertical pose, bring your drink closer to your lips. Eventually, your glass and lips will meet, and with each subsequent return to vertical, a sip must be taken of your inebriating beverage. A Fisty Master will be able to drain his entire beverage during the song, but time it so that the last sip coincides with the final beat of the track.
Variation #8: The Free Forming Gobshite
A frowned upon interpretation. Some feel moved to move beyond the purity of the waist bend, and introduce a waist twist, moving the upper half of the body left and right. This leads down the road to full on Robotics, and should be avoided at all costs, as mechanised machinery is no substitute for physical appendages. If you really must perform The Free Floating Gobshite, then the fisting arm must thrust forwards, and not upwards.
And there you have it - The Fisty Dance as refined at Resistanz in Corporation, Sheffield. Please promote this New Craze in yer own clubs up and down the country. Or get some practical practice in at Club Antichrist. In the dungeon room. With the old gimmers on the gurneys.
* shudders at the memory *
