Oh, the frozen wastes of Sheffield.
As I shiver here, tip-tapping on me iPad in a Premier Inn waiting for me All You Can Get In Yer Belly Brekkie, I feel for the slowly defrosting Loki, once lost in the icy wastes and being bummed by the icy cock of Ithaqua. probably.
For Xymternation rescue has been called out once more!
But, alas, a lack of Pretties in distress to get out of dat dress this time. or something.
Anyhoo, it all started when we found the Metal floor, and were having a bit of a bop. A few double vodkas and coke1 later, and then them Wilde Cherry things, And them pints of stuff. And more various beverages.
And it came down to the last three standing. Me, Dan & Dave.
Now, Corp has a smoke machine on the dance floor in the upstairs room. Well, not so much a smoke machine, more a fucking Victorian Londiumium pea souper smog of 0% visibility machine. Anyways, there we was, drunkenly falling about to some popular track or other, when up comes the gas cloud! Can't see me hand in front of me face (and when I could see my hand in front of my face, I had 2! or was it three?).
But then the cloud fades... and wait a minute! There's a Dave shaped space where Dave was! where's he got to?
So, on the hunt!
Toilets - no. Bars - no. Club rooms - no. Gay disco room - no. Smoking area - no. Toilets - no. Bars - no. Club rooms - no. Gay disco room - no. Smoking area - no. Stairs - no. Toilets - no. Bars - no. Club rooms - no. Gay disco room - no. Smoking area - no.
ad infinitum.
Much textage and callings - not a dicky bird! Hunty hunt hunt hunt. Here! There! Everywhere! And he's nowhere! And the clubs about to close! It's almost 4am! Quick - several more circuits!
Ooooh - textage "I can't get back in!"
Can't get back in where? Perhaps he's wandered outside, and the bouncers are being gits? Let's loiter outside, see if he's there.
Feck - how the feck do you get out of Corp? There's no exit! Let's try this way - nope this is the gay bar. Try this one... gay bar again! Up the stairs,back through the metal room, into the smoking area, and... gay bar again! Right back that way - through the smoking area, up the stairs, through that bar, down them stairs, ah! Main clubbing room! Now, then, lets try this door - no, it's the shitting gay room again! What kind of sorcery is at play here! There's no way out! we're trapped here forever! Trapped, and forever lead into gay bars! Oh noes, oh noes, oh noes - ooooh! look - people with coats! follow them!
Ah, a hidden "exit" sign spray painted on some metal beind a bin! Perhaps this door that's blended into the wall and don't realise there's a door... ah! A different bit... and we're freeeeee!
Right, is the missing pisshead out here...Nope.
Wait till it closes - perhaps he's in and we keep missng him. Brrrr - bit nippy Ooop North. And them piles of snow don't help.
Still nowt - right head on back to the hotel. And there's his missus - he rang her saying he's somewhere around the building without a passkey. He's at the Hotel... somewhere....
But he's not.
Circle circle in the cold! Nowhere around the building... but wait! Phone call!
"Help! Help! I'm freezing to death! I'm in the City Centre at W-------!""grab a taxi"
"No... taxis... so... cold"
Don't worry - Xymternational Resue will locate you!
"Oi! You! Security bloke of our Hotel. Wheres W-------?"
"Dunno mate""Well, which way to the City Centre"
"Go down that looooooong road, and eventally you'll need to take a left""OK"
Xymternational Rescue (including a new Dan Tracy) head off in the pointed direction whilst searching for W------- on googlemaps. Eventually, GPS kicks in.
Ah, there we are, and there's W-------, so lets keep walking until we hit this junction.... eh? hold up! According to my GPS, we're walking away from the City Centre! We'll have to spend 5 mins tracking back to the hotel, then head off in the opposite direction for another 15 mins! Useless fecking locals, not knowing where their town centre is!
Brrring Brrring! "Hurry up! I'm dying of cold!"
"Not to worry - we've located you, and be there in 15 mins"
10 mins later
Brrring Brrring! "I'm dying! I'm about to pass out! O hurry! O please!"
"Yep almost there...."
10 mins later and across the road from W-------
Brrring Brrring! "Neeep neeep neeep neeep"
"Eh?"
Ah, he's so cold, he's gone into hyperthermic shock, and been possessed by the Voice Of Beaker Off've The Muppet Show.
Muppet!
Anyhoo - we finally retrieved the popsicle. Right by the taxi rank.
And now we're all back and frozzen. No wonder Sean Bean was cast as Ned Stark. I reckon Game Of Thrones was filmed right there in Sheffield. Tonight. or this morning, as it is now.
Hurry up breakfast time - I want a tower of bacon!
1 £1.20!!! £2.20 AFTER MIDNIGHT! GET IN MAH BELLY!
