Panic at the stock in card shops...

Apparently, tomorrow's Mother's Day!

Well, no-one told ME! I guess it got lost in the plethora of other [xxxxx]'s Days. Granny's Day, Son's Day, International Women's Day, Pet Day, Necrophelia Day, Breasts Awarenes Day, Etc.

So, earlier than the usual early into The City for emergency card purchasement and postage.

And typically, WH SMITH's have a grand total of 2 highly inappropriate cards. Seems 'Smiths assume everyone's already got their cards, and replaced the Mother's Day section with Easter Cards.

Easter Cards! Easy travel on The Tube and Londonium Buses, all decorated with a jolly celebration of the torture an agonizing death of a beardy prophet! Easter cards indeed! What's wong with a choccie egg to celebrate the demise of a jew - why an expensive card?

Anyhoo, off to Clinton's, and attempt to find a decent card for Mm amidst the spunk stained skirts.

Fuck me - it's nigh on impossible to find a suitable card! Seems Mother's day cards fall into several categories, many of the Jeremy Kyle episode title persuasion:

• Mum! You're an alcoholic, but I's loves ya!
• Mum! You're fat on chocolate, but I's loves ya!
• Mum! You're a rampant harlot whoring it about, but I's loves ya!
• Mum! Get some housework done you lazy cow, but I's loves ya!
• Mum! Do my fucking washing and give me cash, Bitchfucker. Oh, and I's loves ya!

And is it's not offending your Mum, it's the cringiest, most twee, sycophantic, sugary sweet, vomit inducing cheese:

• Mummy! You gives me snugglypuffs when it's dark!
• Mummy! You protect me from paædos with your huggy snumpkins!
• Mummy! You make it sunny in my tummy¹.

I can't send any of that to Mumsie-Wumsie me Mother! It's OTT.

But worse is the expansion of Mother's Day cards:

Happy Mother's Day Gran!

Fuck Off! Fuck right off! It's Mother's Day, you jizzplank, not twatting Grannie's Day. Apart from rare misrepresentations of parentage (like that Kat Slutter off'of Eastenders), yout Gran ain't yer Mum you retarded fuckwit!

And then there's the To my Wife/Girlfriend on Mother's Day cards! Wtf? Your Wife/GF ain't yer M...

... oh wait...

This IS Norfolk, after all...

¹ WHY OH WHY DO GROWN MEN & WOMEN STILL REFER THEIR STOMACH AS THEIR TUMMY? ffs, YOU'RE NOT 3YRS OLD ANYMORE! DO YOU SIT THERE, IN YER ONESIE WHILST THE PUSSPUSS NIBBLES YOUR LITTLE PIGGIES? OH... WAIT...