Walkin' on the beaches, blowin' up the bitches...

Damn, them Swiss greybeards are at it again!

Not content with finally finding long-lost-at-sea Higg's Bo'sun, they've been tinkering about with them there black holes again.

Once more, they've been up at the CERN Abba's giant, and firing Benny and Björn's knackers at each other in the hope of reigniting their career. And a black hole.

A black hole to suck down Volkwagen Lupos, leaving naught but a 15ft Event Whore Eyes on a gravity well leading down into Infernis and a nudie Dr a Grant off of Jurassic Park.

So the police sensibly cordon it off and provide safety advice!

Like what safety advice can you possibly give? Please do not ignore the cordon, leap over the barrier and throw yourself down into ye bottomless black abyss you dumb fucks?

Safety advice my arse! "Ooooh look, a cordoned off 15ft hole in the road! Why, I simply must vault that barricade and plunge into oblivion as no-one has provided any sensible advice as what to do when facing a blocked off descent into doom!"

Now, them Australians, they give proper sensible safety advice. Such as don't play truant:

Ah, I remember bunking off (well, popping off to the nearby village in the free period before lunch to see who could eat a litre of ice-cream the fastest - me, obvs!). However, I don't recall the way to the ice-cream shop being seeded with landmines whilst we feasted on creamy goodness.

Then again, I don't recall my schoolmates being as hot and horny as these bronzed beauties. Apart from Helena Seddon, who wasn't horny but oh so very hot in 6th form. 

I remember a few students getting told off for urban surfing, and a car of friends got wiped out on a truancy drive, but I never encountered land mines on the school trip to Lyme Regis. Or was it Bognor Regis 

Well, no way am I camping out at a beach party on Waxham Waxhoff beach now! Oh, how I wished I'd listened to media diva spermbank Lady Die when she snuck out on secret pre-arranged media photoshoots on the evils of landmines in soup kitchens. or something,

But no, I ignored her pleas, and now it's National Sickie Day. I pity those who have a job, skiving off to Loo'stahhft and Great Y'ha-nthlei to get blown off in the sand dunes.

And then get blown up as they wander the sandy shore of explosivity.

New Born Yawn....

"Scientists say they have conclusive proof that unborn babies yawn repeatedly in the womb"

Well, bugger me backwards!

Glad to see our Government handing out research grants to the Greybeards for vital information such as this.

Of course, if they'd come to me first, or anyone sensible, I could've told them that - without the years of research.

But of course I'd still pocket the grant¹.

I mean, it's obvious innit. What's there to do in a womb?

Fuck all!

No telly, playstation, mobile device or even a Connect 4. Just floating about in placenta.

So, you'd be piss bored.

And when you're bored, you yawn!

"Blah. Blah blah blahdy blah"
*Yawn*
"Oh, sorry. Am I boring you?"
[Yes! Yes! Shut the fuck up] "No, please, do go on with your most interesting anecdote"
"More blah. Extra blah blah blahdy blah. With added blah blah blah for good measure"

And not only do fœtuses yawn - they yawn repeatedly.

Well, so would you if you were locked in a watery cell for 9 months. It's boring as fuck being stuck up a womb for months on end!

You'd think these modern scummy mummies would manhandle a mobile up their minge, and start weaning their sprogs on txting early. Give it something to do whilst hanging about instead of being bored. Although it'd probably be a bit embarrassing at Aunty Natal class, when the Angry Birds theme starts playing from your poon.

Not to mention the grunts of the evil egg thieving piggies.

I mean, it's not far off that popular Urban Dictionary activity of setting your phone to vibrate, putting it in a food bag, shoving it up your reproductive letterbox and making a call to the internal vibratory orgasmatron.

So there you have it. Keep your unborn sproglets entertained, otherwise The Tories will have it marked as a lazyass dole sponging scrounger of a layabout, and stop yer child benefit before it's even born!

¹ NORMALLY, I WOULD MAKE A MOST HILARIOUS JAPE ABOUT HAVING A GRANT IN MY POCKET. UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY GRANTS I WANT RUMMAGING ABOUT IN ME TROUSERS. THE ONLY ONES THAT SPRING TO MIND ARE FATTY ARSETROLOGER RUSSELL GRANT, YOBBO EASTENDER GRANT MICHELL, PROZZIE PULLING POSHO HUGH GRANT, REGGAE RASTA EDDIE GRANT, FINEST-WINES-IN-ALL-OF-HUMANITY RICHARD E. GRANT, EVEN DR ALAN GRANT OUT OF JURASSIC PORK. JURASSIC PORKING LAURA DERP, I CAN MAKE A COMEDIC JOCULARITY ABOUT, BUT LADY GRANTS? I LACK ANY PRETTIES OF A GRANT BASED MONIKER. APART FROM NON-CELEBRITY LOCAL PRETTIES, WHOM SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS. APART FROM THE GRANT BIT. OBVIOUSLY. ;)