New Born Yawn....

"Scientists say they have conclusive proof that unborn babies yawn repeatedly in the womb"

Well, bugger me backwards!

Glad to see our Government handing out research grants to the Greybeards for vital information such as this.

Of course, if they'd come to me first, or anyone sensible, I could've told them that - without the years of research.

But of course I'd still pocket the grant¹.

I mean, it's obvious innit. What's there to do in a womb?

Fuck all!

No telly, playstation, mobile device or even a Connect 4. Just floating about in placenta.

So, you'd be piss bored.

And when you're bored, you yawn!

"Blah. Blah blah blahdy blah"
*Yawn*
"Oh, sorry. Am I boring you?"
[Yes! Yes! Shut the fuck up] "No, please, do go on with your most interesting anecdote"
"More blah. Extra blah blah blahdy blah. With added blah blah blah for good measure"

And not only do fœtuses yawn - they yawn repeatedly.

Well, so would you if you were locked in a watery cell for 9 months. It's boring as fuck being stuck up a womb for months on end!

You'd think these modern scummy mummies would manhandle a mobile up their minge, and start weaning their sprogs on txting early. Give it something to do whilst hanging about instead of being bored. Although it'd probably be a bit embarrassing at Aunty Natal class, when the Angry Birds theme starts playing from your poon.

Not to mention the grunts of the evil egg thieving piggies.

I mean, it's not far off that popular Urban Dictionary activity of setting your phone to vibrate, putting it in a food bag, shoving it up your reproductive letterbox and making a call to the internal vibratory orgasmatron.

So there you have it. Keep your unborn sproglets entertained, otherwise The Tories will have it marked as a lazyass dole sponging scrounger of a layabout, and stop yer child benefit before it's even born!

¹ NORMALLY, I WOULD MAKE A MOST HILARIOUS JAPE ABOUT HAVING A GRANT IN MY POCKET. UNFORTUNATELY, I CAN'T THINK OF ANY GRANTS I WANT RUMMAGING ABOUT IN ME TROUSERS. THE ONLY ONES THAT SPRING TO MIND ARE FATTY ARSETROLOGER RUSSELL GRANT, YOBBO EASTENDER GRANT MICHELL, PROZZIE PULLING POSHO HUGH GRANT, REGGAE RASTA EDDIE GRANT, FINEST-WINES-IN-ALL-OF-HUMANITY RICHARD E. GRANT, EVEN DR ALAN GRANT OUT OF JURASSIC PORK. JURASSIC PORKING LAURA DERP, I CAN MAKE A COMEDIC JOCULARITY ABOUT, BUT LADY GRANTS? I LACK ANY PRETTIES OF A GRANT BASED MONIKER. APART FROM NON-CELEBRITY LOCAL PRETTIES, WHOM SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS. APART FROM THE GRANT BIT. OBVIOUSLY. ;) 

Vanilla Slice - Nice, baby!

There's this thing, right, where people are being requested to store their emergency contact person's number in their mobile as ICE (In Case of Emergency). Also, they should keep a card in their wallet with an ICE as a contact number.

Apparently, this helps in an emergency situation, so the Emergency Services can inform the relevant person of the situation.

Luckily, I'm good friends¹ with top rapper and B-movie Z-lister Ice-T. Which is handy, because he's a man who can handle himself in an emergency. Especially if he brings his mate LL Cool J along too.

Not only that, he now appears in my Phone Contacts under ICE Ice-T, so I had to get our other bezzi mate² Vanilla Slice to re-record top pop hit Ice Ice Baby to Ice Iced Tea for a personalised ringtone.

Serial Killers! Drug Dealers! Anacondas³! Emergencies? What emergencies! These guys laugh in the faeces of Emergency and send it fleeing with it's knickers around it's ankles and an unwiped bum!

But I work for that there Aviva, and I've been reliable informed that I should put my emergency number as internal number ----†.

I think not - If I'm in an emergency, I'd rather rely on Mr J, due to keeping his cool in emergency Deep Blue Sea style sharking scenarios. Especially if he's sharking that (j-j-j-j-) Jessie J!

Plus, you get Samuel L. Jackson thrown in for free, which is a bonus is you're fed up with all them muthalovin' snakes on your muthalovin' EasyJet.

That said, I do recall that there John McClane out of Die Hard being on an Aviva advert, telling us not to call him Walter. I'd dial ---- if Aviva have Bruce "wotchew talkin' 'boot Wincey" Willis on standby, ready to assist if I were subjected to a heist at the office Xmas party next month‡. Hah - knowing my luck, I'd get Paul "Don't Call Me Ringo Thomassy Tank-Engine Fat Bastard Controller Edwynn" Starr. Or Freddie Starr, eating my Hamster and somewhat exacerbating the nature of my emergency somewhat as snakes run rampant writhingly on Ringos carriage.

And hopefully not the snakes on his undercarriage, like some Spyder Dijon with 8 cocks, plagueing octo-pussies ladygardens in the shade of their damp wet mossy bush.

Or something.

¹ THIS MAY BE A BIT OF A FIB.

² THIS ALSO MAY BE A MISREPRESENTATION OF THE NATURE OF THE REALITY OF MY ACTUAL  FACTUAL ACQUAINTANCES.

³ ALTHOUGH PERSONALLY, I'D PREFER TO WRESTLE WITH RONNI ANCONA, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN (AND I'M SURE THAT YOU DO!)

† NUMBER OBFUSCATED SO THAT NONE OF MY IMAGINARY READERS START RINGING UP AVIVA TO DEAL WITH THEIR INTERNAL EMERGENCIES.

‡ "I HAVE HAD IT WITH ALL THESE YIPPEE KAY AY MOTHERHUMPIN' ELVES ON THESE YIPPEE KAY AY MOTHERHUMPIN' FILING SHELVES!"