While the Billiard-marker with quivering hand, was chalking the tip of his cock...

Lessons learned, or lessons learnt?

Well, apparently, either can be used as past tense or past participle.

And I must say,  it was tense in the past, wot with all thems Dark Ages and stuff.

And how do we know about all that tenseness? Not by Tony Robinson and his diggings, that's for sure!

It's because them Greybeards looked at The Past through a wormhole! 

And how did they create this Time Tunnel? Only by using that there Cerne Abbas Giant!

It would appear that The Greybeards took advantage of the club wielding hillside carvery and used Fertility Science to create a corridor in time.

Out of his chalky nob-end.

In order to achieve this, there had to be a Greybeard in each carven nutsack. They then fired the aforementioned "Past Particles" up the sides of the engraved schlong, where they would follow the curvature of the cock, and meet/collide at the tip of the shaft.

This is known as a Hardon Collider. And because this is the Dorchester Giant, a Large Hard-On collider.

Anyhoo, when the two PAST (as in time) Particles collide, they explode in a huge orgasm, resulting in a milky mass of Timey Wimey Wanky Juice to ejaculate from the stiffy in a stream of StarGate spunk that travels through time and space.

And just what is the point of all this? Well, it would appear that many years ago, a member of The Fast Show was out a-boating, and his boatswain got lost at sea. With The Philadephia Experiment¹ and The Bermuda Triangle², it was believed these could be developed in an endevour to find missing personages on the past! For if we could look back in time, we could look at the point of disappearance and find out what happened.

And you have to start somewhere, so why not with The Fast Show's loss of his seamen?

And so they search for Charlie Higgson's Bo'sun.

Which, as all the world knows, is a lost cause, for the Bo'sun was snaffled by a Snark.

For the Snark WAS a Boojum, you see!

¹ CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE SPREAD. CHOCOLATE AND CHEESE SPREAD! WHAT SICK KIND OF EXPERIMENT WAS THAT?!?!
² SIMILAR TO A BRAZILLIAN, OR HOLLYWOOD, WHERE THE FOREST ENCROACHING ON THE LOST VALLEY OF MINJ IS TOPIARIED INTO A TRIANGLUARITY OF SHAPE. THE LOST VALLEY BEING A VERITABLE BUCKET, AS PEOPLE TEND TO GET SUCKED IN (off?) AND ARE LOST FOREVER IF THEY GO TOO NEAR.

Calling orca pants of interplanetary, most transdimensionally craft..

Rufen Sie mich Ishmael - Nein! Nennen Sie mich Adolf anstelle von!

Leider ist mein Deutsch nicht sehr gut. Ich sprach nicht Deutsches für ungefähr 22 Jahre, folglich muss ich auf englisch für die unwissenden Dummköpfe schreiben, die einen on-line-Übersetzer nicht sogar benutzen können…

Oder etwas.

Anyhoo, it's often proposed that if you had the ability to go back in Time, would you shoot The Baby Hitler (not, note, The Baby Jesus), thus preventing WWII and all it's horror? Philosophical types will then smugly sit back, puffing on their penile substitutory pipes, pondering on paradoxes and the like.

"Why," they say as they stroke their long grey beards and sniff snuff (whilst watching Snuff on the under-the-counter DVD), "you could prevent World War II and change history. Which you can't, as Time Travel hasn't been invented, otherwise we'd know about it."

That's coz they're gormsters.

We all know that Hitler had Spaceships, Teleportation, The Spear of Longinus*, The Ark of the Covenant, the San Gréal and he signed Indiana Jones's Dad's diary. He also modified his estoteric Flugelrad with chronological displacers and did a Marty McFly by going Back... To The Past!".

And like Marty McFly, his mum probably tried to cop off with him - which just goes to show what a depraved family he came from!

And that's why you can never go back and kill Hitler. Obviously, being highly skilled in the evil and nefarious plans department, it would have occurred to him that he wasn't all that popular by the end. And so, Doktor Wer flew back in his Flugelrad TARDIS to try and mend his image.

First off, he adopted the name "Charlie Chaplin" and did some silent movies so no-one would recognize his evil germanic voice. Unfortunately, he was too fond of his 'tashe to shave it off, but his plan to walk with a bendy cane threw many off the scent. "Hitler didn't walk with a cane - It can't be him". Ah, the age of gullible innocence.

Anyhew, it didn't work, and despite his jestery, people never forgave his homicidal holocaustery.

So now he's trapped in the past, keeping a nasty Nazi vigil on his pram. Any futuristic chrononautical babykillers with heroic dreams of preventing WWII atrocities are shot by the lurking despot as they creep up on his infant self.

And being equipped with his own TARDIS, he can be in two times at once. Being the Antichrist he is, he often pops back to watch his parents nobbing each other (he really is THAT evil!) and shoots any additional time-travellers with ideals of bullet based contraception.

And that's why there's no evidence of Time-Traversement. Everyone's first goal is to kill Hitler, and he bumps them off in the past, and then burns the evidence with a quick jaunt to a concentration camp, before coming back to await the next idealistic visionary.

Take my advice - when you get time travel, forget Hitler - go back and find out the identity of Jack The Ripper. And I'll just bet the irony of that'll be that the Whitechapel Melodramatical Maniac will turn out to be your future self!

And then you're in a bit of a pickle. Pickled on Absinthe, probably.

* LATIN FOR "THE COCK OF LONG JOHN HOLMES". PROBABLY.

You can call if you want, but there's no-one home, coz I'm stuck in the past on my Gimmerphone...

Everybody is getting excited about the return of Dogturd Poo in the T.U.R.D.I.S. this Saturday, and up and down the country, the question on everybody's lips is:

Is Time Travel possible?

"Well, of course time travel is possible", say the Smug Gits. "Actually, you are time travelling now - you are travelling into the future at the rate of 1 second per second" before their guffaws are silence by a punch to their smug gittery faces.

If Galiffreyan travel were possible, then surely there be some evidence of it, wouldn't there...?

Witness this film from 1926 with some haggard Time(old)Lady Romana on a Chenery Travel OAP chronocoach trip to the past, talking on her mobile phone to the other codgers returning to the good ole days of yore:

Now, before all you start moaning about phone masts and 3g technology not being available in Charlie Chaplin's age - this old baggage is from the FUTURE, where they probably don't need such low-tech methods of telephonic audio transference.

Of course, it could be that Lost Victorian Technology (hidden by the Chiswick Townswomen's Guild when rewriting the history books), and the 20s were rife with valve-ridden Tesla powered phones on his wireless energy transfer network (available since 1893). T-Mobile? Tesla-Mobile!

But we have no such antiquated evidence of steampunkery in our museums, apart from Charles's cabbage computer. Therefore she must've come from the future using a gigawatt of energy from the cock tower!