I’m GodZILLAAAARRRGGH...

Now, I recently pointed out my annoyance with supernatural entities creeping up behind people and making as much noise as possible before they attack, but how come monster's don't even creep up?

Take a dragon, you're fleeing for your life, and hoping not to get et, when you run into a dead end - be it the side of a car, a wall, or the middle of a field. Invariably, The Hero grabs The Heroin and turns her face away as he embraces her... then the great big beastie stands there and roars away!

After a momentary distraction of a tank firing a shell at it, it turns it's head and The Lovers flee to safety!

Why the buggery sod don't dinosaurs and irradiated reptiles just gobble up people instead of wasting time roaring at 'em and letting 'em get away!

It beggars belief!

And how come, right, if you're not The Hero but Stereotypical Character In The Film Purely To be Killed Off By Monsterific Chompage, you don't take evasive action, but run down the middle of the street, before falling implausibly and waving your arms in an innefectual warding off of munchment?

"Yikes, I've tripped over an invisible blade of grass! Damn, here's come a giant razor toothed beastie's cakehole to gobble me up! Perhaps if I wave my arms at it, I'll miraculously fend off the force of it's fangs!"

And how come if someone tells you you're some reincarnation of some japanese bird who has to die to save the world do you just accept it and not think they're talking bollocks?

"Wotcha mean, that's a Dragon? And it, and it's minions, are after me because I'm an all powerful goddess reborn as a dozy cow who has to sacrifice herself to save the world?

Oh, all right then."

Gormstress!

Lay your hands on me...

In the words of Sigue Sigue Sputnik:

I wanna be a star!

NU really know how to waste cash! We've got an advert on out intranet ro be a supermodel, and NU will pay up to £220 expenses to photographicate your hand!

So I put me name forward!

Soon, my hand could be the Poster Boy for Personal Accident! My gnarled, withered, grizzened and taloned grubby mitts could get wordwide fame all of it's own!

I just hope they don't get too big for their boots and go off on a Body Politic Hands of Orlac Evil Dead II slaughterous spree, groping up groupies and auditioning for Addams Family movies.

The hand of God!

Hand of the blob, more like!
 

Je m’appelle Joe de Lait...

According to the picture box, there's been a development in the Haunted Garden Children's Home in Jersey.

It would appear that the "key evidence" of the discovery of "bones in the cellar" was not actually bone - it was pieces of coconut! Now, exactly how SOCO mistook a hairy shell* for a skull is beyond me...

...unless...

...the skull in question was a coconut, and they'd uncovered the final resting place of Precious Lilywhite!

Now we know how the police discovered the "punishment rooms" - clearly, they found Serge's movie of the Calypso party, and his recording of the cover up!

So, all that crap the staff told the other kids about the missing ones building rafts and going on holiday was a big fat lie! It was down to arguments about putting up shelving in the cellars at 11:30pm!

Grease my cockney palm...

...but not in some coconut highway fisting palace...

* THANK GOD THEY DIDN'T FIND A HAIRY CLAMSHELL...

Two cocks of mine that’s right on time, it’s sticky...

Apple are fond of bunging a lowercase 'i' in front of everthing, but did you know that their first project was adhesive, and that the 'i' at the start of their product is an abbreviation of ice?

Now, there are those who will tell you that eskimos live in ice houses called igloos. This is slightly incorrect, as the dwelling itself is actually called an iHome (ie 'ice'Home, to be more precise). Common sense will tell you that you can't make a building out of blocks of ice, coz they'd slide about on the curvey bits and fall in on itself.

So, what holds the blocks of ice in place? Mortar? Concrete? Well, it's a special formula that Apple came up with called iGlue. A mix of snow, ice, innuit sperm, blubber and Apple's secret ingredients.

Due to translation issues and Phonetics, the iGlue became igloo, and stuck (ha ha!) as the name of the house.

BUT where in an igloo (I'lll use igloo for ease, as people will still call it that) is the iLoo? In all these movies, documentaries, I've never seen an Armitage Shanks bowl in the arctic domiciles. Do they cut a hole in the floe, and drop a log straight into a dolphins gob?

And how do they pee? Surely, in sub-arctic conditions as soon as the flow starts, it'll freeze up! Seems to me like you'd start to pee and get an arcing stream burst out like a golden rainbow, then it'll instantly freeze, blocking you off, so you have to snap off the stream of urine to let another rainbow burst free, and again, until you've hosed out all your fluids.

Jeez, if they're also jerking off, they'll end up with spurts of frozen white spunk - never mind "Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow", it's also "Watch out where the lonely eskimo's go, and don't you eat that white spunky snow"

Look deep into the parka...

...do you dream of lesbian ham...

I’ll have a pee, please Bob...

Pease Pudding Hot

Pease Pudding Cold

Pees on pudding in the pot

by a 9 year old

Now, Legend has it that there are many ways to ward off evil entities. There's the old Horseshoe above the Door, The Warding off of the Evil Eye, Sealing your 'Sills with Veruccas...

Which is all very well, but it's no help when Goblins are lacing your lunch with mushy peas and unconvincing passing it off as icing, or green sandwich filler, etc., for it seems that if tempted by fairy food that could turn you into green goo for the munchings of trolls upon, then there's only one preventative...

Piss on the picnic!

Of course, there are those who will pooh-pooh the idea, but if they're pooing on the chocolate chicken pot pie then they're just as bad, if not worse! Passing diarrhoea off as a side dish of Bisto is not my cup of tea.

Then again, a tankard of tinkle isn't either. A chocolate log maybe fun for yule, but yule regret it upon the morrow.

As a safeguard against consumption by kobolds though, it ain't much cop - I ain't gonna whip my wanger out and whizz on the spag bol, just so The Dinner Party escapes liquification. True, there may be those who like ammonia scented soup, but I isn't one of 'em!

Do you wanna go to a club where people wee on each other...

...with Grandpa Seth watching you through a 2way mirror...
  

Xym binnery, Xym binnery, Xym’s bin of blue...

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...rewolf elttil ,emoR ni nehW

...od snamor eht sa oD

angolob dna eseehc emos kcap uoy erusne ,gobliN fo nwot eht ni er'uoy fi tub...

ruoy eetnaraug lliw slacol fo ecneserp eht ni meht emusnoc ot rof ,sehciwdnas

!epacse

ecnedeerC ylevol eht fo smra eht ni esimed a dnim t'ndluow I ,yllanosrep hguotlA

fo noitacoffus a dna spil ruo neewteb boc nroc a htiw gniggons ,dugleiG eronoeL
...nrocpop

...htorb rey knird dna reh tuoba 'niyrrow tiuQ