What is it with the yoof of today, with their txtspk and non-stop Jeremy Kyle multiple partnered shagathons?
All over Facebook today, lots of celebratory statuses (statii?) of an abbreviated fashion:
"Happy VD Day!" they post.
Now, I'm no expert, but surely no-one's happy to be infected with some form of genital plague on their most romantic of days - and it can't bode well for your chances of sexual intercourse if you're wishing the joys of an STD on your lover.
"But Xym, VD Day is Valentine's Day! Duhr!"
Well, no - that would mean VD Day stands for Valentines Day Day. VD Day and Valentine's Day are two totally different things!
Although one may be an inevitable outcome of the other on the Estate, leading to Jezza lie detectors.
"Happy VD Day!" they post.
Now, I'm no expert, but surely no-one's happy to be infected with some form of genital plague on their most romantic of days - and it can't bode well for your chances of sexual intercourse if you're wishing the joys of an STD on your lover.
"But Xym, VD Day is Valentine's Day! Duhr!"
Well, no - that would mean VD Day stands for Valentines Day Day. VD Day and Valentine's Day are two totally different things!
Although one may be an inevitable outcome of the other on the Estate, leading to Jezza lie detectors.
And then there's them loved up couples, ever eager to rub a singletons face in their fæces, who don't like the fact that people take exception to a singular day of celebration. After all, these people have to suffer their Other Half 24/7, 365 days a year. They need this one, special, day to prove their love to each other by:
❥ Expecting (and not getting) Breakfast in bed❥ Not expecting cards & presents, but despite agreeing "we're not doing Valentine's this year" THEY has bought YOU a present, and they only got a card off your mum. Or the baby/kids. or the dog. Said card being a piece of card shoved in front of the kids 2 mins ago with frightful urgency to scribble something you can pass off as cute.
❥ Expecting a romantic day together, but you'd both rather go to work & flirt with co-workers rather than actually spend the day together. And the one who didn't buy a pressie now has to spend their lunch hour racing about trying to find a present in return for the one they got, fuming in anger because (as mentioned) we agreed not to do Valentines and now they HAVE to find a present (on the pretext it was 'being saved for later') and everything's now all fucking expensive as the prices have been jacked up by greedy corporate money-grabbing Fat Cats just because it's Valentine's Day. Argument brewing: Why the fuck did they have to buy me a sodding present... and no matter what I get, they won't like it anyway. Bitching bastard!
❥ Expecting to come home to a romantic, petal strewn bath followed by a candlelit dinner, which becomes a race to get ready when you get in, coz you have to rush to the restaurant before the tables are all booked, and you have a two-for-one voucher to lavish lovingly on your lover, so you can't go anywhere else.
❥ Expecting a romantic, violin playing atmosphere, but end up droning on about work, kids, and general shit. And have a huge row, before driving home in sullen silence.
❥ Expecting a lingering smooch in the hall, before being led upstairs for slow, orgasmic 50 Shades Of Sadomasochistic Lovemaking, but just walk in and let rip a huge fart due to the meal, and you're both too stuffed to shag, so fall asleep in front of the telly,
And THEM people, those loved up smug types, look down on those who decry Valentines Day. And they post twee little admonishing messages, such as this:
Well, thank you, you inconsiderate cuntbucket! So I don't have a Valentine on Valentine's Day... but thanks for reminding me about my father's death. I feel so much more shame at maligning your romance, knowing that you're using my deceased ancestral line to boost your own ego.
Well, bully for you - you got a lover who you can only be arsed to treat lovingly once a year. Me - I don't have that luxury, and now you're using the ashes of my cremated pater to salve my loneliness to make you feel better about celebrating some religious martyr.
Shut the fuck up?
Fuck you.
Fuck you very much.
