Coffee milk steamer, why are we always tuna or later...

A bad batch of beans in the blender!
A purloined panini palava!
I'd rather have Chlöe
All nudie with Sophie
In cinnamon swirl frosting a-slather!

"Eww! A poem we don't need to see

of Starbucks siren fantasies!

What if they read this

And get really pissed

And think that your mind is diseased!"

Ha! As if anyone reads this shite
I can perv o'er who I like!
With no repercussions
or awkward discussions
the worse they can say's "Take a hike!"

"...or have you roughed up

till blood you cough up.

And though they be stunners

they'll soon become shunners

And your orders for lattés rebuffed!"

Shit, I reckon I'd better not mention
The list of babes for whom I've affection
Like ----- and ---
------ and ---¹
In case I get unwanted attention such as a damn good kicking, a public shaming, extreme embarrassment and having to hide in social exclusion forevermore. or something.

¹ NOW, THE QUESTION IS... WHO ARE THESE FOUR! IS THERE JUST FOUR, OR WHOLE LOT MORE? COULD IT BE JUST ONE WITH THREE ADDED TO THROW YOU OFF THE PHEREMONAL SCENT? DOES THE NUMBER OF HYPHENS MATCH THE NUMBER OF LETTERS OF THEIR NAME? OOOOOH, INTRIGUE! IT COULD BE YOU... UNLESS YOU'RE A BLOKE, IN WHICH CASE, IT'S DEFINATELY NOT YOU.

A Christmas Carol (Carol is 9yrs old)...

♪ On the 7th day of Xmas, BBC gave to me, 

7 hairy cornflakes

6 Jingles jangling

5 Savile blings

4 Freddie Stars

Rolf's "third leg"

2 Glitter bombs

and a pædo in a yew tree! ♪

Inspired by the Lord Mayor's thingy...

Twats with prams and feral kids
Twats with arms all interlinked
Twats who just get in the way
I hate the City on Saturday

Dickheads dancing in your path

Dickheads who loudly vent their wrath

Dickheads just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Div's loose change with which they pay

Divs checking bags in shop doorways

Divs who just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Cunts who walk at a snail's pace

Cunts who think they're in a race

Cunts who just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Old gits shove in front of you
ignore those who are in the queue
Old gits just get in the way
I hate the City on Saturday

Schoolgirls bragging in Starbucks

of all the teachers that they've fucked

People with fuck all to say

I hate the City on Saturday

Couples having domestics

whilst they're having hissy fits

Couples to each other say

"We hate each other" on Saturday

Arseholes who are passing by

giving you the evil eye

Arseholes to be kept at bay

Especially on a Saturday

Politely ask "Excuse me hun"
It's not too hard, and then you're done
It's a good thing Xym don't have a gun
When he's out on Saturday

Hide away from the raging mob...

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, Oh come out, do!"
Very well, my dear, I shall do too!
Just state your plans and the venue
"I'l let you know/get back to you!"

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, Oh where was thee?

We missed you out on Saturdee!"

Why, I was lain on the settee

forlornly awaiting txts from thee

All spruced up and out the tub

With no word of pub nor club

Just a txt to say "You're dumped!"

And I ain't pulled, so now I'm stumped!

So I assume The Xym's not wanted

For locations hath not been imparted

No Xym to get the Party started

And leave his Pretties broken-hearted¹?

"Oh Xym, Oh Xym, where was thee Mon²

We know you must weigh half a ton

But surely you could waddle on

down to t'pub where Fest is on?"

What be this fest of what thou speak?

For mine psychic powers e'en at their peak

cannot delve into thine mind and peek

at this fest of which thou speak!

"The one just down the road from you

We just forgot to invite you...

Because, of course, we thought you knew!

And that's the tale we're sticking to!"

Seems everyone was there but me³

Partaking of a pint or three

Happy that they're finally free

of that bastard Xym-on-ee!

So wonder not "Oh where is Xym?"
and think him all unwelcomin'
because you did not invite him in
and therefore he was totally unaware of it until people started banging on about why he was being such an unsociable miserable sod for not turning up at things he was expected to be at, despite not being given any details. Or being invited. Or even made aware that he should be at the aforementioned Eventage. Or that there was even Eventage on in the first place!

¹ WELL, LESS BROKEN-HEARTED AND MORE IN A CELEBRATORY FIESTA AT THE LACK OF THE LECHEROUS LARDARSE LEERING AT LADIES AND GENERALLY POLLUTING THE ATMOS WITH HIS PRESENCE.

² MONDAY. NOT MON AS IN RASTA, YEAH'MON.

³ APART FROM THEM WHAT WEREN'T!

As of someone gently fapping...

...fapping in my chamber pot!

Now, whilst engaged in inebriated discourse down The WhatACunt on Sat, I was asked if I could do any job, what would it be.

Why, a return to treading the boards, luvvie! Xym, fantasic lead actor, sublime director of diverse theatricalies of drama, farce and pantomime, eloquent orator of a poetical nature!

"Why Xym!", Quoth The Jo, "Your eyes veritable twinkled there! I haven't seen your eyes shine so bright since Xxxxx walked in!. You should definately take it up again!¹"

Ah, but I ended up in IT. No return to the adoring applause for Xym, now. Why, I can hardly recite my rhyming froggery! I can still belt out a fabuloso Jabberwocky, but Alfred Noyes "The Highwayman", basic of Fleetwood Mac/Stevie Knickers poptastic video hit "Everywhere"? All I can recall is "And the Highwayman came riding, riding. The highwayman came riding, up to the old inn door" (and I won an award for my recital of that!).

Of course, there is always my Party Piece - a full recital of The Raven. Ah...

Once upon a midnight dreary,
While I pondered, weak and weary,

O'er many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore
As I nodded, nearly napping...
Suddenly there came a tapping!
As of someone gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door!
"'tis some Visitor", I muttered, "tapping at my chamber door.
This it is, and nothing more"

Ah, distinctly I remember,
It was in the bleak December
And each seperate dying ember wrought it's ghost upon the floor
Eagerly I wished the morrow,Vainly I had sought to borrow from my books a surcease of sorrow.
Sorrow for the lost Lenore
For that fair and radiant Maiden whom the Angels name Lenore
Nameless here for evermore

And the silken, sad, uncertain

rustling of each purple curtain
Thrilled me - filled me with fantastic terrors never felt before
So that now, to still the beating of my heart, I stood repeating
tum ti tum ti tummy eating?
Bugger it, I forget the rest! It IS 26 years since I last performed it live though!

"Ooooh, Xym! You should get up and perform that at me wedding!"

Ah, The Xym thinks not! But, I has been somewhat inspired to revisit impressive oratory. So, the blogs may be a bit light for a while, as I now aim to Better Myself, by reaquainting oneself with classical literature.

As I recall, The Highwayman is piss-long, and goes on for about a million years. So. I already have Jabberwocky in my repertoire, so next I shall re-memorize The Raven, and later The Highwayman. Finally, I may even have a bash at Pork Winchester Beowulf.

Then I can be hired out at parties! How about THAT then ladies! Hire out The Xym for an evening of intellectual Stimulation... dare I say, even Educational Xymulation!

*checks Amazon*

Ooooh! Complete Poe - £0.00 for Kindle! Right, I'll be downloading that later! Next time down The WhatACunt, in the Pleasure Gardens beyond the Covered Smoking Yard - one verbose orator, Performing for Pretties!

Well, maybe not next time - which is this Saturday. Think I need a bit longer to memorize it, let alone re-interpret cadence, rhythm, and dramatic import!

And purchasing a stuffed bird...

...oooh! Light Bulb moment! I have an idea for a performance... would require three peoples, rather than one though... Narrator, Destiny and Death/Raven (can't remember if Lenore actually appears, so may need a fourth, unless I make it part of the Death/Raven rôle)...

Nah, I think I can pull it off meself...

Ooo-err missus!

¹ OH GO ON... YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO...
   DEFINATELY TAKE IT UP AGAIN, XYM?
   NO WAY - ONE ANAL PROBE BY SPACE MONSTERS IS BAD ENOUGH!
   BA'DUM-TISH!
   I NEVER FAIL TO DISAPPONT ON THE LOWERING THE TONE FRONT.
   ALTHOUGH IF IT'S LOWERING FRONT'S WE'RE TALKING ABOUT, THAT'S A LOVELY NICE BLOUSE YOU HAVE ON... IS IT NEW?
   ETC... ETC...

Been caught leerin'...

Betsy Boo
        Doin' The Do
Eldritch & Haza
        Templin' 92

Jane's Addiction
        Bin Caught Thievin'
And No Doubt's Gwen
        Don't be Speakin'

Blacksmith babes
        Bangin' out beats
But be honest, Xym,
        that's the only reason you went in the first place, you lecherous git!

Millinery exile...

That hat you see atop The Xym
almost caused a knife victim!
    Xym thwarted death from gay chav cunts
    by fleeing from The Waterfront
So now he dares not wear the hat
in case he ends up stabbed by twats
    Especially if their time does come
    and try and stab Xym... UP THE BUM!
        (that's with a cock, and not a knife,
        that low-down, thieving, gayboy's wife)

Xym - what the fuck are you wearing...

What is that?

What
    is
        THAT?!?!

"What, upon your head is sat?"
"Why, that's a hat, you blithering twat"
(that's not a per-son-al attack
But can't you recognize  a hat)

It's clearly not a rat or bat

or Eastenders' big earring'd Pat

Nor feral brat or malformed cat

It's obviously a great big hat!

Ah, your eyes grow wide and fat

In shock and awe at my towering hat

That's how I roll - it's where I'm at

A great fat twat in a great big hat

God gave croc and roll to us...

Crocs!

Crocs with socks!

A sight to see is crocs with socks
Upon a fox from down the docks
who's caught the pox upon her box
when the cure, say docs, is eat some cox*

And if The Public's shocked and mocks

a fox who rocks in socks and crocs

Shave off their locks! Kick their buttocks!

Them cocks that mocks a fox in crocs.

But what about crocs upon Burt Kwouk?
Take the glock out of your pock'**

Beat the clock! Shoot off his block!
That's what you do with crocs on Kwouk.

Crocs with socks - it's all bollocks
I prefer a fox with big New Rocks
A great big shock of tousled locks
And not a fox in crocs with socks.

*APPLES, OF COURSE. NOT THE GORMSTER YELLING IN A ROWING BOAT. OR EATING COCKS - THAT'S HOW SHE GOT INTO TRUB IN THE FIRST PLACE...

** ABBREVIATION OF POCKET.

Everybody dance now (c'mon lets not work!)...

With the previous week
just as bleak
as the coming week,
All I can say
about today
is...

All the young dudes, let down on Tues...

Due to Disney (dames on t'flume)
It's down to two (plus dude) on Tue
But what to do? The two have flu!
What's a dude to do on Tue?

Do The Do with Betty Boo?
Or do on Tue what the dude does Tue
   (digest desserts and sing Darude
         except alone, and just to lose?)

Did the dude do what a dude does Tue?
Indeedy doo, the dude did do!
But did he do like doggy doo-doo?
Well bugger me old brown Ugg boots, the dude came #2!

Yay! A galleon of cider awaits, all for meeeeeeeeee (except for a couple of pints for the Pretty to get in her good books. Not her good boots. Or Ugg boots. Her in her thigh high boots, as I fill me boots. Or something)