Well, 'twas the Norfolk Festivities, and the Garden Party in Chapelfield!
And The Xym cast off all thoughts of fear, and braved The City in the now legendary Hat-That-Incites-Chavs-To-Stab-Up-Xym-And-Thieve-His-Hat.
Which was a bonus, as many a mental oriental Pretty requested posing with Xym for photograpic postcarderies, as well as interview for Japanese TV! "You at Festival! Me like your act long time! Your act good! What make you act?"
Um - I'm not actually part of the festival! And seeing as my "act" consists of wandering around the gardens in a great big hat... well, it's not much of an act to love. Unless I go on BGT to impress easily impressed tosspieces like Amanda Whoredom.
Cowell: "So what's your act?"
Xym: "I stand around in a great big feck off hat, occasionally with a glass of cider, sometimes scoffing germanic sausage"
Cowell: "I just don't get it"
Whoredom: "OMG. You're original, fresh, Love it!"
Walliams: "Coo-ee! Look at me! I'm acting a bit gay! Oooh, I'm such an OTT Queen! Whoopsie! Can I have a piece of your sausage? Oh, I'm ever so queer"
Britain's Got Talent My Best Hat!!!
Anyhoo, most "performances" seem to consist of tiny tents, often emblazed with the phrase "Show In Progress!" with long non-moving queues. So, off to see the open air Dinosaur petting zoo.
Hmmm.
Now, I'm no expert on dinosaur zoos, but as far as anyone could make out, it was nothing more than a dense throng of people stood about saying "You can't see a fuckin' thing!". Which wasn't true. There was many an overly tall huge shouldered gobshite standing right at the front with their feral brood screeching from atop their shoulders.
Said brats inevitably looking in the opposite direction to the event, and Beefcake is busy arguing with his menstrual midget wife who doesn't even want to be there.
So, eventually some chums turn up. Well, probably more "chums" were there, but due to being spectacularly stand-outable, I guess I was easily avoidable! For I could not be missed except by the blind. And those actively avoiding The Xym.
And we found the best entertainment ever!
Oh yes sirree!
Bramble FM!
Run by Peter Sutcliffe and his less-than-svelte co-host "Maureen", this was better than the bestest roadshow ever!
Apart from the extremely dodgy dancing, consisting of The Ripper shuffling left & right, while Maureen engaged in all sorts of hi-impact shennanigans, including that bending in and out the knees and thrusting her hands to either side of her flange in invitationary suggestiveness, there was the most bizarre dialogue.
First we had the someone imaginative shout out: "Does anyone want a bit of E45 cream!"
Eh, whut?
But then, it's announced you can Text In, and Maureen will do whatever you ask!
Eh, whut II? Is this mobile BabeStation? I'm texting in!!
But it's competition time! Here they come with a bucket of what appears to be sweets. Those are the prizes! Whoo-hoo! Maybe I'll enter the competition, beat the little tikes to the sherbert dib-dabs! And what question do they pose to the children?
"How tall is Jimmy Sommerville?"
Eh, whut III! Of course! He's playing "Never can say goodbye" by The Communards! A band all little children remember topping off this weeks Chart!
Alas, one poor sprog got it wrong, so he got a consolation prize of a dead dolphin. A dead dolphin Maureen made the poor lad sit there stroking it on the grass. And kept reminding him to continue when he stopped.
But someone's texted in a request!
And there's a problem :(
Peter Sutcliffe hasn't got the song requested. Well, he has, but it's on tape. And they haven't got a tape player with them. What they do have is something similar. And what was this similar track?
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen.
Or, as Ripper put it "Our Maureen, before she lost some weight".
Somehow, from the look on Our Maureen's face, Peter will be sleeping outside the camper van tonight!
But Maureen's going to lean us a dance!
After 5 mins of complicated, non-replicated, fast, confusing moves, it's onto the dance competition! Get the kids on the 'stage'. C'mon kids, follow Maureen!
Left stamp, right stamp, left - NO, you little shit! You're doing it wrong! Look at me. THIS is what you should be doing. NO! Do it right! Like THIS! Jesus!
But we have a winner! And what's she won?
A packet of Lockets.
And more good advice from Maureen:
"Put it in your mouth, and then blow on it".
Oh dear.
And they claim never to have seen such a big crowd. Not since they were in The Hospital.
Hospickle my arse! Institution, more like. Sanitorium. Loony bin. Bedlam. Mental home. House with towers with a plethora of Chiroptera in the belfry. Arkham Asylum after a collect call from deepest R'lyeh on the night of a full moon.
A dreadful hynotically transfixing show that was so bad, it was brilliant!
Saturday, 12 May 2012
Friday, 11 May 2012
They will make catlitter their cathedrals...
...and their littertrays will be your tombs!
Ah, Dèmoni 2!
Out of the Cinema and into the TowerBlock! And, oh Lordy help us - thar be Demons on the top floor! Lookit trademark Argento art direction: Shot up the centre of the stairwell - at the top, darkened bonces with glowy eyes peep over the top. Camera rotates in directional opposition to the descent of the demonic deformities!
But what foul beast lurketh at the Top Of The Stairs?
Well, despite the musicalities of Clawed-io Simonetti, the soundtrack included the aural delights of many an Alternative artiste. And one, whose track "Powder" featured in it, used a shot of the Dwellers Above on the album cover!
Behold, Ye Lurker Atop Ye Threshold! The possessed pussies! The monster moggies! The phantasmagorical felines! The Curséd kitties! The...
Oh well, you get the general idea!
Track Listing (Expanded Edition)
Intro (The HarmoniCat Plan)
Slow Creep
Ah, Dèmoni 2!
Out of the Cinema and into the TowerBlock! And, oh Lordy help us - thar be Demons on the top floor! Lookit trademark Argento art direction: Shot up the centre of the stairwell - at the top, darkened bonces with glowy eyes peep over the top. Camera rotates in directional opposition to the descent of the demonic deformities!
But what foul beast lurketh at the Top Of The Stairs?
Well, despite the musicalities of Clawed-io Simonetti, the soundtrack included the aural delights of many an Alternative artiste. And one, whose track "Powder" featured in it, used a shot of the Dwellers Above on the album cover!
Behold, Ye Lurker Atop Ye Threshold! The possessed pussies! The monster moggies! The phantasmagorical felines! The Curséd kitties! The...
Oh well, you get the general idea!
Intro (The HarmoniCat Plan)
Slow Creep
Paw Her II
Creature/Man?
Bellgame (Mr Jingling On A String)
Vet for the Feline
Secretes
Creature/Man?
Bellgame (Mr Jingling On A String)
Vet for the Feline
Secretes
Dust
Eating Purina
(flea) Powder
(flea) Powder
The Scratching Tower
Clawed Razor
The Miaow
The Miaow
Thursday, 10 May 2012
Lucky that my breasts are like Kate Humble's...
...dammit, Shakira, I confused 'em with molehills.
Whereas I confused Madonna's pointy protuberances with termite mounds.
And as for Winona Ryder, I confuseded hers with the flat pancakeyness of Norfolk, England.
Not to mention Toady Harsh - I confused hers with Abu Simnel. Some lop-sided artificial oversized reconstruction withered out in the desert, died up like a camel's teat milked dry by painted houri for the bathing of beauties. I expect many a man has gotten lost in her valley of Gwangi. And by Gwangi, I mean her kle'varj, not her bare, deforested valley of Minj.
And not Sticki Minj and her "Pink Friday". And by Pink Friday, she probably means a fappage of the flange to kick off the weekend after a hard days work barking into a microphone.
Or something.
Ah, mammarial landscapian topography. The best of both worlds.
And worlds are rounded spheres.
Ergo: The best of both worlds must be a fine pair of spherical objects.
And you could argue that Shakira has indeed an impressive set of "top bollocks".
And all because she insists she's a She-Wolf (well, right old bitch) in the closet, confusing her baps with the Himalayan Alps¹. Presumably with Tibetean monks mystified by the mystery of her mountainous mammaries.
'bout time she came out of the closet, and started lezzing it up with Anastacia (whom, I believe, is Left Outside Alone, and apparently where she is, "It's Cold Out Here", so she needs come company in the form of a good warming up by way of a Shakira strap-on sapphic sex session).
Or something...
¹ MAH HUMPS
MAH HUMPS, MAH HUMPS, MAH HUMPS
MAH HUMPS
MAH HYM-A-LAY-AN HUMPS
CHECK 'EM OUT!²
I DRIVE THEM BUDDHISTS CRAZY
I DO IT ALMOST DAILY
I GIVE THEM SUCH A HARD ON
WEARIN' ROBES OF SAFFRON
THEY SAY SELF-IMMOLATION
IT JUST MEANS MASTURBATION
KARMA THEY BE SHARIN'
ALL THAT MEDITATIN' PRAYIN' STUFF
BOTHER, I AIN'T ASKIN'
THEY SAY THEY LOVE MY ASS IN
SKIN TIGHT JEANS WITH VPL
I SAY NO BUT THEY KEEP STARIN'
AND SO I KEEP ON BARIN'
MY TITS THEY AIN'T FAKE AN'
WE ARE MEDITATIN'
I KEEP ON LEVITATIN'
MAH LOVE...
² OOOH YES PLEASE MISS F TO THE E TO THE R-G-I-E SHE'S FERGIELICIOUS (SO DELICIOUS)!
Whereas I confused Madonna's pointy protuberances with termite mounds.
And as for Winona Ryder, I confuseded hers with the flat pancakeyness of Norfolk, England.
Not to mention Toady Harsh - I confused hers with Abu Simnel. Some lop-sided artificial oversized reconstruction withered out in the desert, died up like a camel's teat milked dry by painted houri for the bathing of beauties. I expect many a man has gotten lost in her valley of Gwangi. And by Gwangi, I mean her kle'varj, not her bare, deforested valley of Minj.
And not Sticki Minj and her "Pink Friday". And by Pink Friday, she probably means a fappage of the flange to kick off the weekend after a hard days work barking into a microphone.
Or something.
Ah, mammarial landscapian topography. The best of both worlds.
And worlds are rounded spheres.
Ergo: The best of both worlds must be a fine pair of spherical objects.
And you could argue that Shakira has indeed an impressive set of "top bollocks".
And all because she insists she's a She-Wolf (well, right old bitch) in the closet, confusing her baps with the Himalayan Alps¹. Presumably with Tibetean monks mystified by the mystery of her mountainous mammaries.
'bout time she came out of the closet, and started lezzing it up with Anastacia (whom, I believe, is Left Outside Alone, and apparently where she is, "It's Cold Out Here", so she needs come company in the form of a good warming up by way of a Shakira strap-on sapphic sex session).
Or something...
¹ MAH HUMPS
MAH HUMPS, MAH HUMPS, MAH HUMPS
MAH HUMPS
MAH HYM-A-LAY-AN HUMPS
CHECK 'EM OUT!²
I DRIVE THEM BUDDHISTS CRAZY
I DO IT ALMOST DAILY
I GIVE THEM SUCH A HARD ON
WEARIN' ROBES OF SAFFRON
THEY SAY SELF-IMMOLATION
IT JUST MEANS MASTURBATION
KARMA THEY BE SHARIN'
ALL THAT MEDITATIN' PRAYIN' STUFF
BOTHER, I AIN'T ASKIN'
THEY SAY THEY LOVE MY ASS IN
SKIN TIGHT JEANS WITH VPL
I SAY NO BUT THEY KEEP STARIN'
AND SO I KEEP ON BARIN'
MY TITS THEY AIN'T FAKE AN'
WE ARE MEDITATIN'
I KEEP ON LEVITATIN'
MAH LOVE...
² OOOH YES PLEASE MISS F TO THE E TO THE R-G-I-E SHE'S FERGIELICIOUS (SO DELICIOUS)!
Wednesday, 9 May 2012
I have got French saline in my jugs you see, see...
Now, yesterday, the topic of What Constitutes Talent cropped up at work.
Apparently, in that Britain's Allegedly Got Talent, everyone's in awe of something. Seems that the cream of British Talent is a dancing dog!
Myself, I don't rate Amanda Holdall's flouncing about in Thoroughly Modern Millie that highly. Although she did play Princess Fiona Phillips in Wayne Rooney: The Musical. Which makes her more a dancing troll than a dancing dog.
Either way, she's a bitch.
Possibly.
Anyhoo, as ever, I got berated for not recognising her Outstanding Talent. Said talent presumably being a talent for Shagging Piss-Poor Mavis Riley Impressionists. And so The Xym got called out - what does The Xym think Talent is? Is he just sooooo fantastically talented¹ he can whip Amanda Holden's arse?
* muses on that thought for a minute or two *
* shudders *
* realises a Dominatrix Holden being Cat Deely O' Nine tails'd on the posterior by David Walliams is a horrifyingly believable event quite within the bounds of possibility *
* eurgh! *
So, following on from that debacle, I decided to put my money where Holden Appreciators mouths are, and showcase my diverse multi-faceted talenture in the Ex-fucked'er Audition bus, for today it was outside The Forum in Norwich!
Alas, the queue was too long and the weather too cold to spend my lunch hour shivering in the damp, clad in naught but police tape heat-moulded to my privvy parts.
So I didn't bother and headed back to work. Now the world will have to miss out on my rendition of Lady Gaga & Beyoncé's Telephone.
The trouble is, now that I've gone to the trouble of having norkitudinal enhancements to impress Dannii Minogue in order to get a million squid recording contract as a believable Lady Gaga II², I'm going to have to get 'em reversed. And because I had mammarial inflation to boost my crooning career, it's gonna be difficult to get 'em out³. Especially now the NHS won't do it because these PIP augmentations are French, and they won't touch them with abarge pole baguette because they're filled with a garlic scented slimey snail trailed saline solution.
Or some other similarly preposterous NHS austerity based excuse!
I must say, I'm not looking forward to peeling off this tape. I KNEW I should have gone for the Stars & Stripes lycra binkinini, but you know me - I have to go for the more extreme option!
Still, it does make me stand out somewhat in the office.
Just as long as one of them Pretties down Rosso Totty Avenue doesn't walk past, and make me "stand up" in the office.
Tape will only stretch so far...
¹ OH, HOLD ON A MINUTE. I AM!!!
² SAID BELIEVABILITY INCREASED DUE TO ACTUALLY HAVING A COCK
³ THE IMPLANTS, THAT IS. NOT MY PIRANHA 3DD MOOBAGES!!
Apparently, in that Britain's Allegedly Got Talent, everyone's in awe of something. Seems that the cream of British Talent is a dancing dog!
Myself, I don't rate Amanda Holdall's flouncing about in Thoroughly Modern Millie that highly. Although she did play Princess Fiona Phillips in Wayne Rooney: The Musical. Which makes her more a dancing troll than a dancing dog.
Either way, she's a bitch.
Possibly.
Anyhoo, as ever, I got berated for not recognising her Outstanding Talent. Said talent presumably being a talent for Shagging Piss-Poor Mavis Riley Impressionists. And so The Xym got called out - what does The Xym think Talent is? Is he just sooooo fantastically talented¹ he can whip Amanda Holden's arse?
* muses on that thought for a minute or two *
* shudders *
* realises a Dominatrix Holden being Cat Deely O' Nine tails'd on the posterior by David Walliams is a horrifyingly believable event quite within the bounds of possibility *
* eurgh! *
So, following on from that debacle, I decided to put my money where Holden Appreciators mouths are, and showcase my diverse multi-faceted talenture in the Ex-fucked'er Audition bus, for today it was outside The Forum in Norwich!
Alas, the queue was too long and the weather too cold to spend my lunch hour shivering in the damp, clad in naught but police tape heat-moulded to my privvy parts.
So I didn't bother and headed back to work. Now the world will have to miss out on my rendition of Lady Gaga & Beyoncé's Telephone.
The trouble is, now that I've gone to the trouble of having norkitudinal enhancements to impress Dannii Minogue in order to get a million squid recording contract as a believable Lady Gaga II², I'm going to have to get 'em reversed. And because I had mammarial inflation to boost my crooning career, it's gonna be difficult to get 'em out³. Especially now the NHS won't do it because these PIP augmentations are French, and they won't touch them with a
Or some other similarly preposterous NHS austerity based excuse!
I must say, I'm not looking forward to peeling off this tape. I KNEW I should have gone for the Stars & Stripes lycra binkinini, but you know me - I have to go for the more extreme option!
Still, it does make me stand out somewhat in the office.
Just as long as one of them Pretties down Rosso Totty Avenue doesn't walk past, and make me "stand up" in the office.
Tape will only stretch so far...
¹ OH, HOLD ON A MINUTE. I AM!!!
² SAID BELIEVABILITY INCREASED DUE TO ACTUALLY HAVING A COCK
³ THE IMPLANTS, THAT IS. NOT MY PIRANHA 3DD MOOBAGES!!
Tuesday, 8 May 2012
Simply the breast...
You know them Mexicans?
Well, there's up in arms. Firing their pistols in the air with their bodily odour arising from armpits in aphrodisiacal aroma.
Possibly.
Anyhoo, they're getting all shouty over politics.
It would appear that during some political debate, a Pretty handed out some notes. Said Pretty being draped in white dress. Said white dress having a plunging neckline.
Revealing kle'varj.
Outrage! Brazen barely bared busoms on camera!
And it gets worse in England-land.
Much worse.
Holly Willoughbooby had partial chesticle exposure, with kle'varj all over the tellybox, and putting Jessie J's manly moobage to shame.
Even Simon Cowell was affronted, as his pectoral pillows failed to compete with the Willoughboobage. And Cowell hates being beated in the ratings, let alone by jugged up presenters in the norkage stakes.
Maybe it's just me. I thought kle'varj had been aroung for Donkey's years. Obviously not, judging by the righteous indignation raised by funbag valleys. You'd think we were transported back to Victorian times!
Next they'll be moaning about seeing Cat Deeley's ankles.
For shame! For shame...
Well, there's up in arms. Firing their pistols in the air with their bodily odour arising from armpits in aphrodisiacal aroma.
Possibly.
Anyhoo, they're getting all shouty over politics.
It would appear that during some political debate, a Pretty handed out some notes. Said Pretty being draped in white dress. Said white dress having a plunging neckline.
Revealing kle'varj.
Outrage! Brazen barely bared busoms on camera!
And it gets worse in England-land.
Much worse.
Holly Willoughbooby had partial chesticle exposure, with kle'varj all over the tellybox, and putting Jessie J's manly moobage to shame.
Even Simon Cowell was affronted, as his pectoral pillows failed to compete with the Willoughboobage. And Cowell hates being beated in the ratings, let alone by jugged up presenters in the norkage stakes.
Maybe it's just me. I thought kle'varj had been aroung for Donkey's years. Obviously not, judging by the righteous indignation raised by funbag valleys. You'd think we were transported back to Victorian times!
Next they'll be moaning about seeing Cat Deeley's ankles.
For shame! For shame...
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
Xym's list of exciting stuff (May '12)...
A list of upcoming stuffs what The Xym is sort-of looking forward to.
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 04 May 2012 | Juan of the Dead Cuban Zombies |
| 04 May 2012 | Silent House Remake of the Uruguayan movie, done in one shot. Allegedly. |
| 11 May 2012 | Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !! |
| 11 May 2012 | Piranha 3DD Oh my sweet lord NOOOOOOOOOOOO! |
| 11 May 2012 | .[rec]3: Génesis |
| 25 May 2012 | Men In Black 3D |
| 25 May 2012 | Tales of the Night 6 French fairytales in silhouette animation (like Limbo? Ooooh!) |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Prometheus 3D Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. The 'Space Jockey' from Alien is featured in the new trailer, so it's part of the Alien mythos anyways. |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Snow White & The Huntsman |
| 08 Jun 2012 | The Inkeepers |
| 08 Jun 2012 | The Pact |
| 14 Jun 2012 | Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Benedict Cumberbatch as The Creation for this performance |
| 17 Jun 2012 | Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Johnny Lee Miller as The Creation for this performance |
| 04 Jul 2012 | The Amazing Spider-Man 3D I held off putting this on my list of exciting stuff, as another reboot of Spidey does not excite The Xym. Think I may retitle it to list of Interesting Stuff! |
| 20 Jul 2012 | The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman |
| 27 Jul 2012 | Dr Seuss' The Lorax "I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees, Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please; But I also speak for the brown Barbaloots, Who frolicked and played in their Barbaloot suits, Happily eating Truffula fruits." |
| 02 Aug 2012 | Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 3D |
| 17 Aug 2012 | The Bourne Legacy Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity. |
| 22 Aug 2012 | Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake |
| 14 Sep 2012 | Resident Evil: Retribution |
| 21 Sep 2012 | Dredd Karl Urban (as Dredd) will NOT remove the helmet. Despite Olivia Thirlby playing PSI Anderson, they're fending off Lena Headey's drug gang… apparently The Dark Judges are being held back for the [potential] sequel… |
| 28 Sep 2012 | Looper Time Travel assasinatory type shennanigans |
| 05 Oct 2012 | Frankenweenie Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film) |
| 16 Nov 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 2 |
| 14 Dec 2012 | Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]4: Apocalypse |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Bill & Ted #3 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Stephen King's Carrie Chloe Grace Moretz to play Carrietta White, Julianne Moore to play Margaret White |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Silent Hill: Revelation 3D |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Smiley |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012 |
| 11 Jan 2013 | Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks. |
| 11 Jan 2013 | Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!! |
| 22 Mar 2013 | Jack The Giant Killer |
| 12 Apr 2013 | Evil Dead Remake in progress. |
| 03 May 2013 | Iron Man 3 |
| 10 May 2013 | Pacific Rim Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans! |
| 17 May 2013 | Star Trek 2 |
| 32 May 2013 | The Lone Ranger Johnny Depp as Tonto… |
| 14 Jun 2013 | Man Of Steel Zack Snyder reboots Superman… |
| 26 Jul 2013 | Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel |
| ?? Jul 2013 | Robopocalypse Spielberg adap of Daniel H Wilson Rise Of The Machines type novel |
| 09 Aug 2013 | Robocop Remake… and Robocop will have a visor so you can see Murphy's eyes/face. Just like Stallone ruining Judge Dredd by removing the helmet, now you see Robocops face all the time. Oh well… |
| 22 Nov 2013 | Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire |
| 15 Nov 2013 | Thor 2 |
| 13 Dec 2013 | Hobbit: There And Back Again |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Maleficent Snow White from the Queen's persepective. Angelina Jolie now cast! |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Short Circuit Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no? |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck |
| 04 Apr 2014 | Captain America 2 |
| 29 Jun 2014 | Transformers 4 |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Day of the Triffids Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi producing |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen" |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Suspiria Back on again (probably without Natalie Portman now) |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again. |
| ?? ??? 2014 | The Night Stalker Johnny Depp as Kolchak in the film adap of the series |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Woman in Black: Angels of Death Hammer's [unnecessary] sequel to The Woman In Black set 20 years later… |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Zorro Reborn The Fox' is reborn! |
| ?? ??? 2015 | Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on |
| ?? ??? ???? | Atlantis Rising Comic book adap - may be a miniseries? |
| ?? ??? ???? | Beetlejuice 2 Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc |
| ?? ??? ???? | Boy Scouts vs Zombies Jesus. It gets worse… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Carpe Diem: The Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom With a title like that, I gotta see it! |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Crow Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? ???? | Hallowe'en Another rebook - can't be worse than the Rob Zombie mess |
| ?? ??? ???? | Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay |
| ?? ??? ???? | I Am Legend 2 How can he be a legend again? Oh, he wasn't in the first film either… JUST MAKE "I AM LEGEND" PROPERLY! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Jitters Giant killer insects… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Kick Ass 2: Balls To The Wall |
| ?? ??? ???? | Little Shop Of Horrors Remake of the Musical version, developed by (and starring) Joseph Gordon-Levitt |
| ?? ??? ???? | Monty Python's… Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment. |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Mummy Part of Universal's 100 year celebrations, another reboot |
| ?? ??? ???? | Night Of The Living Tim Burton & Seth Grahame-Smith developing |
| ?? ??? ???? | Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto) |
| ?? ??? ???? | Here There Be Monsters 18th Century sea monster stuff |
| ?? ??? ???? | Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Rebooted. Again. By Michael Bay. Fuck. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic |
| ?? ??? ???? | Triplets! Sequel to Twins! Schwarzenegger and DeVito discover their long-lost Brother (Eddie Murphy)… Recently confirmed by DeVito as actually being in development. Oh dear…. |
| ?? ??? ???? | X-Men: First Class 2 Given the go-ahead. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Venom Spidey-Man spin off |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 14 May 2012 | Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows |
| 14 May 2012 | Terminator |
| 14 May 2012 | Underworld: Awakening |
| 21 May 2012 | Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State Society |
| 31 May 2012 | House By The Cemetery: Ltd Rescheduled |
| 28 May 2012 | The Artist |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Babycall |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Dune David Lynch version - unsure which cut(s) are included yet |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Eraserhead |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Return of the Living Dead Rescheduled |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks and the Last Seven Days of Laura Palmer NOT the restored version, and not with the David Lynch approved score. Boo! |
| 09 Jul 2012 | War of the Worlds Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only) |
| 20 Aug 2012 | Puppetmaster |
| 27 Aug 2012 | Walking Dead (Series 2) |
| 30 Aug 2012 | War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D. |
| 15 Oct 2012 | American Horror Story (series 1) |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Little Shop Of Horrors: The Intended Cut 2 Disc edition, and rumoured to have various cuts and songs restored (inc The Meek Shall Inherit, possibly with full dream sequence). Also includd will be the original ending... IN COLOR! David Geffen has stated he has a copy of the completed, full color ending. Frank Oz says that version was cut from the tapes and destroyed after the initial previews, leaving only the B&W workprint. People in Disney claim to have seen the original ending in full color, and not just a colorized workprint. |
| ?? Oct 2012 | Evangelion 3.33: Quickening |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Blade Runner 30th Anniversary Edition |
| ?? ??? 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary |
| ?? ??? ???? | Kill Bill Redux Volumes 1 & 2 re-edited into one movie |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 04 May 2012 | Fear itself Showing in UK on: Five* |
| 14 May 2012 | Walking Dead (Series 2) Showing in UK on: Five |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC |
| Autumn 2012 | Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start) |
| Latter 2012 | Primeval: New World |
| Latter 2012 | Walking Dead (Series 3) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Best Possible Taste BBC4 - 90min Kenny Everett Biopic |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Sinbad New mini-series |
| ?? ??? ???? | Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012 |
| ?? ??? ???? | American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman |
| ?? ??? ???? | Gotham |
| ?? ??? ???? | Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK |
| ?? ??? ???? | Mockingbird Lane Remake of The Munsters. Eddie Izzard in negotiations to plat Grandpa. Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller at the helm |
| ?? ??? ???? | New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Space 2099 Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Star Wars: Underworld |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 17 May 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: CEREMONiAL EDiTION Delayed slightly as the manufacturer pressed standard Black Vinyl instead of the limited edition Red. Now rectified and being put together for dispatch. |
| 21 May 2012 | Choice Of Weapon: Deluxe Edition The Cult New Album! CD1: 1. Honey From A Knife, 2. Elemental Light, 3. The Wolf, 4. Life > Death, 5. For The Animals, 6. Amnesia, 7. Wilderness Now, 8. Lucifer, 9. A Pale Horse, 10. This Night In The City Forever CD2: 1. Every Man And Woman Is A Star, 2. Embers, 3. Until The Light Takes Us, 4. Siberia |
| 28 May 2012 | Brilliant Ultravox New Album! |
| ?? Jun 2012 | Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant New Album! Double CD put back to June to coincide with launch of some documentary in May. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy |
| ?? Nov 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Made Glorious The March Violets New Album! |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 10 May 2012 | Neil Innes Norwich Arse Centre |
| 17 May 2012 | Blancmange Norwich Arse Centre |
| 20 May 2012 | Inspiral Carpets Norwich WhatACunt Rescheduled from 18th March |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Pout At The Devil Norwich WhatACunt |
| 13 Jul 2012 | Adam Ant Ipswich |
| 16 Sep 2012 | The Cult Londinium - Wembley arena Support from The Mission AND Killing Joke! 5 day tour: 11th - Newcastle Radio Arena 12th - Sheffield Motorpoint Arena 14th Manchester Arena 15th Birmingham LG Arena |
| 29 Sep 2012 | John Cooper-Clarke Norwich Arse Centre |
| Sep/Oct '12 | Ultravox Specific dates/venues to be announced May 15th |
| 22 Oct 2012 | Lacuna Coil The Waterfront |
| 25 Oct 2012 | Hazel O'Connor Norwich WhatACunt |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Fields of the Nephilim Shepherd's Bush Empire Moved due to the cancellation of the Sonisphere festival |
| 21 Nov 2012 | Adam Ant Norwich UEA |
| 11 Dec 2012 | Human League Norwich UEA |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Assassins Creed III |
| ?? Oct 2012 | Silent Hill: Book of Memories |
| 20 Nov 2012 | Resident Evil 6 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Animal Crossing 3Ds |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 18 May 2012 | A Confusion Of Princes Garth Nix |
| 31 May 2012 | Blake's 7: The Forgotten Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel) |
| ?? May 2012 | Dial H China Miéville involved in rebooting the comic series Dial H For Hero |
| 21 Jun 2012 | Whispers Under Ground Ben Aaronovitch (Rivers of London #3) |
| ?? Aug 2012 | No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories Lumley, Brian 1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave |
| 06 Sep 2012 | The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert |
| ?? Nov 2012 | Blake's 7: Archangel Harrison, Scott New B7 novel set between series 2 episodes 6 (Trial) and 7 (Killer) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age Rankin, Robert |
| ?? ??? 2012 | e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian - in negotiations |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian |
| 01 Jan 2013 | Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J. |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends Rankin, Robert |
| 13 May 2013 | Blood of Dragons Robin Hobb |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 31 Aug 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally |
| ?? Feb 2013 | Retromancer Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013 |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #3 1. [tba], 2. [tba], 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Jan Chappell, Stephen Greif & Jacqueline Pearce reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Cally, Travis and Servalan |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #4 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #5 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| IN LIMBO | Akira Production once again halted… |
| IN LIMBO | At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro. |
| IN LIMBO | Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick |
| IN LIMBO | Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski |
| IN LIMBO | Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding. |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter |
| IN LIMBO | Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time" |
| IN LIMBO | Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months |
| IN LIMBO | Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director |
| IN LIMBO | Power of the Dark Crystal Sequel to The Dark Crystal Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again. |
| IN LIMBO | Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down. |
| IN LIMBO | Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months. |
| IN LIMBO | Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America. |
| IN LIMBO | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Paradise Lost |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons & Demons 2 Steelbook |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons 2 |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons |
| 27 Apr 2012 | Strippers vs Werewolves Judging by the publicity shot, I'll be giving this a miss… |
| 27 Apr 2012 | The Monk |
| 27 Apr 2012 | Avengers Assemble |
| 24 Apr 2012 | Dark Tower 4.5: The Wind Through The Keyhole |
| 23 Apr 2012 | War of the Worlds |
| 23 Apr 2012 | Girl With The Dragon Tattoo |
| 20 Apr 2012 | Lockout |
| 18 Apr 2012 | Richard Herring |
| 17 Apr 2012 | The Divide |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VII: Deader |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker |
| 16 Apr 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Drugstore |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Cabin In The Woods |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Battleship |
| 05 Apr 2012 | Titanic 3D |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Fascinating Aida |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Iron Sky |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Mirror, Mirror |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Game Of Thrones (series 2) |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Dare: Deluxe Edition |
| 01 Apr 2012 | Once Upon A Time |
| ?? Mar 2012 | Lovecraft Anthology II |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
Tuesday, 1 May 2012
What in the world can make a brown-eyed girl turn blue...
She got the lock¹? Also no, hence the turning blue from hippothermia after being locked out in the pouring icy deluge of biblical proportions!
See, there's The Xym, beavering away at carpentererry constructing an Ark to travel to work in², and it seems many an acquaintance has someone denied entry to their domicile.
And of course, because "I locked meself out and had to call a locksmith" makes them sound like a right gormster, they have to Big It Up. It's not enough to run a credit card through your crack to lift your latch, not twiddle within with a hairpin to trip the teeth.
No - it's all "Ooooh, [insert yet another name here] had to have keyhole surgery!"
Keyhole surgery!
Just about everyone'sattention seeking having this Keyhole Surgery at the moment! It is a new fashion? A craze? A fad?
Heaven forbid, a fap! Who wants jizz filled doorlocks from jizz emptied bollocks (or quimspurt)?
Honestly - since when has anyone had to call A&E to call out an ambulance with a crack team of paramedics to anæsthetise their knob so the doorjam is relaxed? And what kind of NHS specialist is going to don his scrubs and slather himself hand sanitiser before masking up to probe the locking mechanism with his forceps?
No wonder the NHS is in a mess if them dogturds, nurses and sturgeons are all swimming about tending to immovable portcullii denying ingress to hapless individuals pickpocketed of the key unlocking mechanism (to whit; a key)!
Any why waste NHS resourses on surgery for Chubb locks anyway? If these keyless porktards didn't stuff their great fat greedy cakeholes full of pre-tax pasties, they wouldn't be so fat and blocking the portals with their chubb(y) locks!
In these Tsumami times, these locked out fools need to pop to Timpsons. Being a load of cobblers, they'll probably sell you a pair of flippers AND cut you a Newquay.
Newquay? New. Key. ? No?
Well, feck off then!
Could be worse...
Could be Newport...
¹ WELL, CLEARLY NOT THE CANAL LOCK, OTHERWISE THERE WOULDN'T BE A DAMMING OF THE WATERS. POSSIBLY A LOCH, AS IN THE WHISKY AND HAGGIS INDUCED MONSTER AQUATIC CAMEL OF SCOTCHLAND VARIETY. NOT EVEN A LOCK OF HAIR. WE'RE TALKING YALE. CHUBB. HOUDINI TRAPPAGE FOR BONDAGE PLEASURE DISGUISED AS MAGICAL ENTERTAINMENT
² I LIE. IT'S BEING BUILD AS A KUBLA-KHAN PLEASURE BOAT. ONCE COMPLETE, IT'S A-SPRAYING ON OF THE PHEREMOMAL "LYNX" AND ENGAGING IN DELUGE BASED DEBAUCHERY WITH PAIRS OF PRETTIES CUMMING IN TWO BY TWO. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS ON THE ADVERT, SO I'M SUING IF I'M SWAMPED WITH SEWEAGE INSTEAD OF SEXY SIRENS OF THE SEA CHAPERONED BY SAPPHIC CHAVETTE SLAGABOUTS.
See, there's The Xym, beavering away at carpentererry constructing an Ark to travel to work in², and it seems many an acquaintance has someone denied entry to their domicile.
And of course, because "I locked meself out and had to call a locksmith" makes them sound like a right gormster, they have to Big It Up. It's not enough to run a credit card through your crack to lift your latch, not twiddle within with a hairpin to trip the teeth.
No - it's all "Ooooh, [insert yet another name here] had to have keyhole surgery!"
Keyhole surgery!
Just about everyone's
Heaven forbid, a fap! Who wants jizz filled doorlocks from jizz emptied bollocks (or quimspurt)?
Honestly - since when has anyone had to call A&E to call out an ambulance with a crack team of paramedics to anæsthetise their knob so the doorjam is relaxed? And what kind of NHS specialist is going to don his scrubs and slather himself hand sanitiser before masking up to probe the locking mechanism with his forceps?
No wonder the NHS is in a mess if them dogturds, nurses and sturgeons are all swimming about tending to immovable portcullii denying ingress to hapless individuals pickpocketed of the key unlocking mechanism (to whit; a key)!
Any why waste NHS resourses on surgery for Chubb locks anyway? If these keyless porktards didn't stuff their great fat greedy cakeholes full of pre-tax pasties, they wouldn't be so fat and blocking the portals with their chubb(y) locks!
In these Tsumami times, these locked out fools need to pop to Timpsons. Being a load of cobblers, they'll probably sell you a pair of flippers AND cut you a Newquay.
Newquay? New. Key. ? No?
Well, feck off then!
Could be worse...
Could be Newport...
¹ WELL, CLEARLY NOT THE CANAL LOCK, OTHERWISE THERE WOULDN'T BE A DAMMING OF THE WATERS. POSSIBLY A LOCH, AS IN THE WHISKY AND HAGGIS INDUCED MONSTER AQUATIC CAMEL OF SCOTCHLAND VARIETY. NOT EVEN A LOCK OF HAIR. WE'RE TALKING YALE. CHUBB. HOUDINI TRAPPAGE FOR BONDAGE PLEASURE DISGUISED AS MAGICAL ENTERTAINMENT
² I LIE. IT'S BEING BUILD AS A KUBLA-KHAN PLEASURE BOAT. ONCE COMPLETE, IT'S A-SPRAYING ON OF THE PHEREMOMAL "LYNX" AND ENGAGING IN DELUGE BASED DEBAUCHERY WITH PAIRS OF PRETTIES CUMMING IN TWO BY TWO. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS ON THE ADVERT, SO I'M SUING IF I'M SWAMPED WITH SEWEAGE INSTEAD OF SEXY SIRENS OF THE SEA CHAPERONED BY SAPPHIC CHAVETTE SLAGABOUTS.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)