See, there's The Xym, beavering away at carpentererry constructing an Ark to travel to work in², and it seems many an acquaintance has someone denied entry to their domicile.
And of course, because "I locked meself out and had to call a locksmith" makes them sound like a right gormster, they have to Big It Up. It's not enough to run a credit card through your crack to lift your latch, not twiddle within with a hairpin to trip the teeth.
No - it's all "Ooooh, [insert yet another name here] had to have keyhole surgery!"
Keyhole surgery!
Just about everyone's
Heaven forbid, a fap! Who wants jizz filled doorlocks from jizz emptied bollocks (or quimspurt)?
Honestly - since when has anyone had to call A&E to call out an ambulance with a crack team of paramedics to anæsthetise their knob so the doorjam is relaxed? And what kind of NHS specialist is going to don his scrubs and slather himself hand sanitiser before masking up to probe the locking mechanism with his forceps?
No wonder the NHS is in a mess if them dogturds, nurses and sturgeons are all swimming about tending to immovable portcullii denying ingress to hapless individuals pickpocketed of the key unlocking mechanism (to whit; a key)!
Any why waste NHS resourses on surgery for Chubb locks anyway? If these keyless porktards didn't stuff their great fat greedy cakeholes full of pre-tax pasties, they wouldn't be so fat and blocking the portals with their chubb(y) locks!
In these Tsumami times, these locked out fools need to pop to Timpsons. Being a load of cobblers, they'll probably sell you a pair of flippers AND cut you a Newquay.
Newquay? New. Key. ? No?
Well, feck off then!
Could be worse...
Could be Newport...
¹ WELL, CLEARLY NOT THE CANAL LOCK, OTHERWISE THERE WOULDN'T BE A DAMMING OF THE WATERS. POSSIBLY A LOCH, AS IN THE WHISKY AND HAGGIS INDUCED MONSTER AQUATIC CAMEL OF SCOTCHLAND VARIETY. NOT EVEN A LOCK OF HAIR. WE'RE TALKING YALE. CHUBB. HOUDINI TRAPPAGE FOR BONDAGE PLEASURE DISGUISED AS MAGICAL ENTERTAINMENT
² I LIE. IT'S BEING BUILD AS A KUBLA-KHAN PLEASURE BOAT. ONCE COMPLETE, IT'S A-SPRAYING ON OF THE PHEREMOMAL "LYNX" AND ENGAGING IN DELUGE BASED DEBAUCHERY WITH PAIRS OF PRETTIES CUMMING IN TWO BY TWO. THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS ON THE ADVERT, SO I'M SUING IF I'M SWAMPED WITH SEWEAGE INSTEAD OF SEXY SIRENS OF THE SEA CHAPERONED BY SAPPHIC CHAVETTE SLAGABOUTS.
