Well, 'twas the Norfolk Festivities, and the Garden Party in Chapelfield!
And The Xym cast off all thoughts of fear, and braved The City in the now legendary Hat-That-Incites-Chavs-To-Stab-Up-Xym-And-Thieve-His-Hat.
Which was a bonus, as many a mental oriental Pretty requested posing with Xym for photograpic postcarderies, as well as interview for Japanese TV! "You at Festival! Me like your act long time! Your act good! What make you act?"
Um - I'm not actually part of the festival! And seeing as my "act" consists of wandering around the gardens in a great big hat... well, it's not much of an act to love. Unless I go on BGT to impress easily impressed tosspieces like Amanda Whoredom.
Cowell: "So what's your act?"
Xym: "I stand around in a great big feck off hat, occasionally with a glass of cider, sometimes scoffing germanic sausage"
Cowell: "I just don't get it"
Whoredom: "OMG. You're original, fresh, Love it!"
Walliams: "Coo-ee! Look at me! I'm acting a bit gay! Oooh, I'm such an OTT Queen! Whoopsie! Can I have a piece of your sausage? Oh, I'm ever so queer"
Britain's Got Talent My Best Hat!!!
Anyhoo, most "performances" seem to consist of tiny tents, often emblazed with the phrase "Show In Progress!" with long non-moving queues. So, off to see the open air Dinosaur petting zoo.
Hmmm.
Now, I'm no expert on dinosaur zoos, but as far as anyone could make out, it was nothing more than a dense throng of people stood about saying "You can't see a fuckin' thing!". Which wasn't true. There was many an overly tall huge shouldered gobshite standing right at the front with their feral brood screeching from atop their shoulders.
Said brats inevitably looking in the opposite direction to the event, and Beefcake is busy arguing with his menstrual midget wife who doesn't even want to be there.
So, eventually some chums turn up. Well, probably more "chums" were there, but due to being spectacularly stand-outable, I guess I was easily avoidable! For I could not be missed except by the blind. And those actively avoiding The Xym.
And we found the best entertainment ever!
Oh yes sirree!
Bramble FM!
Run by Peter Sutcliffe and his less-than-svelte co-host "Maureen", this was better than the bestest roadshow ever!
Apart from the extremely dodgy dancing, consisting of The Ripper shuffling left & right, while Maureen engaged in all sorts of hi-impact shennanigans, including that bending in and out the knees and thrusting her hands to either side of her flange in invitationary suggestiveness, there was the most bizarre dialogue.
First we had the someone imaginative shout out: "Does anyone want a bit of E45 cream!"
Eh, whut?
But then, it's announced you can Text In, and Maureen will do whatever you ask!
Eh, whut II? Is this mobile BabeStation? I'm texting in!!
But it's competition time! Here they come with a bucket of what appears to be sweets. Those are the prizes! Whoo-hoo! Maybe I'll enter the competition, beat the little tikes to the sherbert dib-dabs! And what question do they pose to the children?
"How tall is Jimmy Sommerville?"
Eh, whut III! Of course! He's playing "Never can say goodbye" by The Communards! A band all little children remember topping off this weeks Chart!
Alas, one poor sprog got it wrong, so he got a consolation prize of a dead dolphin. A dead dolphin Maureen made the poor lad sit there stroking it on the grass. And kept reminding him to continue when he stopped.
But someone's texted in a request!
And there's a problem :(
Peter Sutcliffe hasn't got the song requested. Well, he has, but it's on tape. And they haven't got a tape player with them. What they do have is something similar. And what was this similar track?
Fat Bottomed Girls by Queen.
Or, as Ripper put it "Our Maureen, before she lost some weight".
Somehow, from the look on Our Maureen's face, Peter will be sleeping outside the camper van tonight!
But Maureen's going to lean us a dance!
After 5 mins of complicated, non-replicated, fast, confusing moves, it's onto the dance competition! Get the kids on the 'stage'. C'mon kids, follow Maureen!
Left stamp, right stamp, left - NO, you little shit! You're doing it wrong! Look at me. THIS is what you should be doing. NO! Do it right! Like THIS! Jesus!
But we have a winner! And what's she won?
A packet of Lockets.
And more good advice from Maureen:
"Put it in your mouth, and then blow on it".
Oh dear.
And they claim never to have seen such a big crowd. Not since they were in The Hospital.
Hospickle my arse! Institution, more like. Sanitorium. Loony bin. Bedlam. Mental home. House with towers with a plethora of Chiroptera in the belfry. Arkham Asylum after a collect call from deepest R'lyeh on the night of a full moon.
A dreadful hynotically transfixing show that was so bad, it was brilliant!
