Horses for main courses...

Will this brou-ha-ha never stop?

● Horseburgers from Tescos
● Horses playing Hide-And-Seek shouting "come and Find us (in cripsy pancakes. or something)"
● (sea) Horses in Birds Eye Fish Fingers (or should that be Fish Hooves?)
● Camel Toes in Primark Jeggings.
● Pork in Meatballs¹

One dread to think what we'll find in them Fish Pie ready meals. Longpig flangebatter, I don't doubt!

¹ NOT SURE ON THE PROBLEM HERE - SURELY PORK IS MEAT? SO WHY IS THERE AN ISSUE THAT MEATBALLS CONTAIN MEAT?

AND ANOTHER THING - THERE'S THEM LASAGNE'S WHAT ARE FILLED WITH SHERGAR, MARKETED AS 100% BEEF. WHY ARE GORMSTER COMPLAINING THAT IT'S ALL A LIE? QUITE CLEARLY THEIR LASAGNE HAS NEVER BEEN 100% BEEF, BECAUSE IF IT WAS, IT WOULD JUST BE A LUMP OF BEEF, AND NOT LASAGNE! LASAGNE CONTAINS PASTA, BETCHAMEL SAUCE (OR ITALIAN WAITER WANKJUICE), HERBS (OR ERBS, TO OUR AMERICAN COUSINS), TOMATOS AND MUSHROOMS. IF IT WAS 100% BEEF, THERE WOULD BE 0% LEFT FOR THE PASTA AND SHIT.

Spam, spam, spam, Xym...

Sometimes I wonder why I even bothers!

I put out this poster to advertise me Birthday celebrations:

And today I meets peoples... turns out no-one knows about it!

Apparently, people saw the poster and thought it were one of them Spam pictures, like them twatarse pics of retards gawping at ceilings with the caption "I bet you can't name a [thing] that doesn't have the letter Q in it! This is really hard! Comment below!"

So nay-one's coming out :(

Oh well, I'll have to create a physical Facebook Event for them to ignore & decline instead...

BTW - that thing behind the invite to the Goat & Horseburgers and The Whatacunt is a Birfday cake! Admittedly a cake with a betentacled space monster bursting out, and not one of the flange fancies I requested t'other day.

Surprising how many peoples actually asked me what it was supposed to be! Clearly the huge blue candle all aflame atop the icing didn't give it away!

Cream[Quim?](pie) cakes...

It's me birthday coming up!

These certainly put the muff in muffins! Check out these fan(ny)cy cuntcakes:

Click here to buy Xym Birthday Minge Muffins!

He shaved the fæces of gentlemen...

Well that was... interesting!

Boo! Hiss! Here comes Marcus "Wolverine off of Pig Botherer" as the tonsorial terror!

Oh noes! The Pretty In The Window appears to be the haggered offspring of Joan Simms!

Worse yet! Sailor Boy appears to be a heavily made up, overacting, ventriloquists dolly of the Buttons pantomimic persuasion!

Not much cop this... but wait one cotton, pickin', minute! We has a loves it!

And WHAT a Lovett!

WOWSERS!

Want, want, WANT! Yer can keep yer Rhianna Beyoncé Titmus Skeltons - I'll take a dishevelled honey with huge messy hair and sunken smokey eyes over them any day!

Still, apart from the dreadfully under-rehearsed performances (and missing one of the main key cues), at least we got the full show - including the Nudie Judge whippage AND complete Parlour Songs (including Tower Of Brey).

But oh my... a missus Lovett to die for!

Trees come down...

When Foliage Attacks!

Thanks to The Council Cutbacks on herbiage maintenance, the dangerous tree in the recreational area decided to split it's trunk and take a dive onto my back wall and fencing.

So the Council were supposed to come and sort it.

Rather than ring me up, they just went and cleared the detrius on the public greenery, and left much tree in me back garden. amidst a 12ft or so tumblage of fencing and diverse greenery.

Great. Now I has to sort it all aht!

So, clad in huge gloveses, sawknives and clippers, I went at the mass of downed foliage.

Not an easy task, for fallen foliage, like most aminals, does not take kindly to dismemberment, and fought back in great rage.

● Clobber! Big burly branches battering me bonce.
● Stab! Titanic thorns thrusting through t-shirts and trews, impaling arms and legs
   rendering Xym all trapped Christlike in hedges,.
● Strangle! Viney vines of garrottage, twisting around necks and choking Xym to
   death.
● Rectal intrusion! Oh wait... no... that was Evil Dead and the rapey tree of
   deaditeyness

Battered and bruised after an hour of battle, Xym surrendered. after making much headway.

Good job I has a week off next week - time to procure chimneas, drills, saws and No More Nailses, and then round 2 can commence without interruption!

Still Ill(iterate)...

Cool Beanz, as them youngsters exclaim.

According to that there BBC of a Saturday Morning, the Government have issued an edict to Nurses and GPs on curing the sick, needy and mental as fuck.

The solution?

Prescribe a book for them to read!

Yay! Free books! Typical - soon as I spend a million squids replacing about 80% of my books on Kindle, I could've wangled them all for free by pleading man-flu. or something.

However, I'm no expert, but I DO read a heck of a lot, and yet I'm still quite, quite mad. So I suspect this ain't gonna work.

Unless, of course, you're prescribing fap fiction to those "40over40" types.

Erectile dysfunction? I prescribe you the "Fifty Shades Of Hastily Adapted Badly Written Twishite Bollocks" Trilogy!

Insomnia? I prescribe Adam Mansbach's classic "Go The Fuck To Sleep". Audiobook version, read by Samuel "Fuckin' 'ell" Jackson.

Other than that, I can't see the point in prescribing literature. As if a read through of M^cBeth will save the obese from them "special glands" that force them to devour several M^cHorseBurgers, M^cVolcanicLavaApple Pies and umpteen M^cCakes and Chips.

Anyhoo, Da Yoof of Today can't even read or write, so how they even gonna read these marvellous tomes of universal panacea?

Actually, it turns out the BBC had somewhat exaggerated this Presciption Of Literature story.

Seems the advise is to prescibe literature... in the form of an explanatory leaflet about your condition.

So no change from usual then! What a let down.

Still, better than a let off...

...for which I prescibe Raymondo Briggs "When The Wind Blows [after a chicken tikka chilli masaala with onion bhajis, onion naan, onion rice and 2 pots of unrequested onion salad]"

I fell and seriously damaged my minge...

A collegue at work has had one of them there altercations with his vehicular menace, and was surfing for compensation or advice or some such. Anyhoo, they ended up on tried www.accidentclaims.org.

Now, seems fairly legit. .ORG site, dealing with claims and shizzle.

However, the puzzling thing was the selection of testimonials.

Or should that be teste-moan-ial. or something.

For rather than the "I was given the wrong ladder, and rather than get the right one, I decided to climb up it like a wazzark and fell off. I called the helpline and got 100% of my 1 million squid compensation", they decided to select the following testimonial:

"I was getting bummed in a public toilet and slipped on a wet floor and split my head open... my boyfriend had to rush me to hospital. I just received a £2k cheque for 10 stiches in my head and a burst anus... thanks! Mr C Eyley"

Now, either their random testimonial generator is on the blink, or this was deliberately selected to promote their winning lawyers success.

Perhaps it's a viral to draw attention? A disgruntled employee in his last days before redundancy? Or they're branching out into George Michael Cottage Insurance Claims, in case he rams his car through the public bogs on the heath?

After all, bummers are deaf...

I am Cornholio! I need compensation for my bunghole...

Check it out via the link above - on the home page and scroll down. If it's subsequently been removed, here's a screencap to immortalize it forever.