Now, it's all very well for these time transported foreign kerniggits turning up at the round table to try and find lots of things not to do, but that scourge of knighthood appears to have been made into one of them cinematic devices.
I'm all for a bit of suspense, but these televisuals make a habit of irritating you, making what's coming so inevitable there be no shock value.
For instance, there's the now legendary "I'm off to check upstairs. On me own. Where the creaking is coming from.", so you know that a cat will jump into shot, scaring no-one but the actress, before she opens the oven and a 9ft tall machete wielding maniac leaps out in an entirely predicable death scene.
BUT... what's REALLY annoying is the 'car boot wait to get slaughtered' scene!
How difficult can it be to put a bag in the boot? Me, key in boot, lift lid, drop in bag, close boot, get in car and drive off. Well, actually, like most people, I can't be jiggered to open the boot, so the bag is slung on the back seat for easy retrieval at home.
No so in the movies! O-ho! Here's how you suspensefully bung your bag in the boot for bringing back home, and it has to be spread over a good few minutes.
STEP ONE: The Set Up
Ensure you have parked by a leafy, foresty bit, with the boot backing onto said shrubbery.
STEP TWO: The Return
Ensure you return to your car once everyone else has gone home. If leaving with a collegue, say a final farewell and wistfully watch them leave to make absolutely sure no-one else is about.
STEP THREE: The Deposit and Suspense
Open the boot and ensure that your back is facing the wooded area and open the boot. Throw in the bag. Ordinairily, you would close the boot - STOP! You must now act really busy, fiddling with imaginary somethings in the boot. Take you time over this.
STEP FOUR: The Glance
Whilst you're faffing about with the straps on your bag, a cameraman will ponce about in the foliage, filming you hard at work as the maniac peers through the bushes, slowing moving around. The psycho needs to have a good old look at you, so build up more tension by polishing imaginary foor pumps and tapping the pressure guage, until... CRACK!. Stop fiddling about and stand up straight! Look to the left, or give a cursory glance behind you on the left, where the movie will show you looking right at the killer! Luckily, you're concentrating on doing nothing, so you miss the lurking hulk skulking behind one piddly little branch
Step Five: Concentrate on doing nothing
Turn back to the boot and start a-tinkering with your zips. Being so busy at this, you fail to hear the snapping of twigs, the crunch of gravel, or the clipping of heels on tarmac as the evil one approaches from the side. Ignore you peripheral vision where a shiny black leather clad figure approaches from your right. Tut and reach further into the boot to fiddle with some imaginary WD40 as out the corner of your eye, a shiny leather gloved hand raises a chloroformed cloth or a shiny razor.
Step Six: I Didn't See That Coming!
Slam down the boot lid as the maniac grabs you for abduction or untimely death.
It's like some suicidal version of... ah... can't blog about that, for it would contravene Kelso's blog challenge rules 7 & 8. So, instead, I'll just have to say that anyone who decides to wait expectantly with their boot open, pretending to shuffle stuff about, jolly well deserves to be shoved in the boot, or murdered to death.
You won't find me alone by an open car boot amongst forestry...
