Skittles & the butch ganstaroo...

Well, that I did not expect!

I guess it is America after all. Land of the free, Home of the bravely shoot unarmed kids.

Seems it's now perfectly legal to stalk black teenagers in Florida with a Firearm for purchasing I Can I Can't and Skittles, and when your scared prey flees and you hunt them down and get into a scrap, you can shoot them claiming self defense coz you're in a zimmerframe. or something.

Because it's all their fault for being a drink and sweetie purchasing thug.

You can even be trained in Mixed Martial Arts, and (even when picking on a weedy teenager) if he gets the better of you and pins you down and screams for help to apprehend his assailant, you can actually shoot him claiming you're in fear of your life!

Mad, the Americans. Quite mad.

Expect riots and such, for failing to jail a wannabe cop of the Rodney King duffing up persuasion!

'spose it serves the State right for persuing Murder 2, rather than Manslaughter.

Which, if you read it in a certain light, is actually Man's laughter.

Who'se laughing now?

Gun totin' neighbor watchin' hotheads (who claim not to know the name of the street they live on, nor any of the neighboring streets, and being an out-and-out proven liar).

That's justice for ya.

Y'all have a nice day now, y'hear. Y'all want fries with that?

Inspired by the Lord Mayor's thingy...

Twats with prams and feral kids
Twats with arms all interlinked
Twats who just get in the way
I hate the City on Saturday

Dickheads dancing in your path

Dickheads who loudly vent their wrath

Dickheads just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Div's loose change with which they pay

Divs checking bags in shop doorways

Divs who just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Cunts who walk at a snail's pace

Cunts who think they're in a race

Cunts who just get in the way

I hate the City on Saturday

Old gits shove in front of you
ignore those who are in the queue
Old gits just get in the way
I hate the City on Saturday

Schoolgirls bragging in Starbucks

of all the teachers that they've fucked

People with fuck all to say

I hate the City on Saturday

Couples having domestics

whilst they're having hissy fits

Couples to each other say

"We hate each other" on Saturday

Arseholes who are passing by

giving you the evil eye

Arseholes to be kept at bay

Especially on a Saturday

Politely ask "Excuse me hun"
It's not too hard, and then you're done
It's a good thing Xym don't have a gun
When he's out on Saturday

I'm a little thief, this is how I feel...

♪ I'm cold and I'm ashamed

Swimming nudie in your pool

You're a rattlesnake

I'm already torn with your serpentine tempting, spawn of ye pitte! ♫

How come I never get burglarized like this?

Some bloke's pottering about, when here comes a young couple!

"Ooooh, " says the young lady, "I'm ever so hot and sweaty. Can we nip in your pool to cool down? Oh, and I like to swim all nekkid with me teats out and EVERYTHING!"

So naturally, the poor pool owner agrees, and the strumpet promptly disrobes and goes off a-swimming whilst her friend goes off to buy cigarettes.

Meanwhile, the pervy pool owner stands there ogling watching her wet snatch opening and closing as she kicks her legs about, as her busoms rise and fall in the water, cresting the wave. He's definately thinking about Breaststroke.

However, her partner in crime isn't purchasing fags at all. Oh no! They're rummaging about the house nicking all his stuff as he's distracted by nudie women swimming in his pool! On the poolside radio, the tinny sound of Jon Bang Tidy out of Bang Tidy is singing...

♪ She's gonna strip off

Because she's hot

It kinda makes a difference if she's nekkid or not

Her friend's a burglar

But that's alright, she's pure...

My cock has just shot!

whoa - Her tits are bare!

Whoa-oh! Answerin' mah prayers!

Was that her flange? I glimpsed it I swear!

Whoa-oh! Answerin' mah prayers
I Saw Quim With Hair
(Oo-wah oo-wah oo-wah oo-wah etc) ♫

And then she gets out the pool, rivulets of poolwater dripping over her pert, oiled assets, and pooling down her trim arsecrack as the sun sparkles off her firm, rounded, glistening glutes.

So what does Homeowner do?

Get's her a towel to dry off, and then she suddenly gets all wet again

So, after her second moistage, he escorts her off the premises. All ramrod stiff with sexual tension, what is his chat up line?

"Do you wanna come to church?"

Say WHAAAAAAT? You got a hot nudie lady, all heaving busoms and dripping quim, and all you can do is invite her to church?

There's no hope for some people!

Oh wait... Church.... all pædo priests and singing in the choir.... "Here, pretty pretty, I absolve thee of thy sins... now get in the Little Mermaid outfit and git in mah pool! My, You sure do have a purty mouth! Thass it Ariel, take it like Neptune's trident up the ass! Scream like a pig - that fat pig Ursula! Don't worry - the Vatican will cover up for me! Praise Jesus! Mah tadpoles are swimming deep into your bearded clam cavern. Ooooh yeah, baby. Hey.. who's that... oi! Stop nicking me stuff! Just you wait until I've chucked me muck up your denizen of the deep decoy whore here, and then I'm a-comin' for you. Pa - Git mah banjo string... outta Ariel's purty mouth" etc, etc

Only 24 inches from Tulisa...

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There can be only nonce...

It's a kind of Animal Magic.

Only without Johnny Morris.

Monkey magic!¹

There's been a furoré² over Freddie!  You know them there Go-Go Dancin' Gorilla's splattered all over Norwich? Well, we have a Radio Go-Go one all tarted up like Freddie Mercury out of Queen.

So what's the problem? After all, we have Iron Gorilla, BatGorilla, Optimus Primate (although the latter looks more like Cringer/Battlecat out of He-Bloke). What's wrong with Freddie Go-Go Gorilla Mercury out of Queen?

Well, The Mercury Phoenix Trust have only ordered it's removal, claiming it's a breach of copyright, despite the fact it looks nothing like Freddie Mercury out of Queen.

What The Actual Fuck? Who the hell had the prescience of forethought to copyright Freddie Mercury out of Queen all tarted up as a great fat hairy-arsed gorilla posing as a primate? He was a rampant fudgepacker for Heaven's saké - gorillas were notorious in the '70s for raping white explorer women³!

I'm pretty sure Batbloke, Iron Stark and Optical Pri-i-i-i-ime, Prime Mover are all copyrighted, and I note that no-one's moaning about them!

I could understand it if the Gorilla fell under some legitimate copyright complaint - eg The Mercury Phoenix Trust taking an issue with a Bird rising from it's own burnt ashes, all cast in liquid silvery metal, and looking like Freddie Mercury out of Queen. A Freddy Mercury out of Queen composed entirely from Mercury in an avian form - not unlike the T-1000 in Terminator 2: Judgement Day. Or, more aptly, Terminator 2: Fudgement Day. or something.

Although they'd probably be sued by James Cameroon for copyright infringement of his liquidescent assassin. But how brilliant would T2 have been with a Freddie Mercury out of Queen Terminator?!

♪ Fred! 

* sudden extention of cyber arms becoming blades and stabbing John Connor's stepdad. SCHDUNK! *

Ah-aaaarrrggh!

Saviour of Skynet's Overthow Of Mankind! ♫

Anyhoo, whilst Brian May is taking time off from the Badger Parade to give the Trust a damn good telling off, I thought of something that wouldn't have caused half as much charitable outrage.

The Glitter Gorilla!

Inspired by the Pop Quiz's round containing a triplicity of Glitter tracks I haven't heard in years, it'd've been better to have a Silverback all in silver! All sparkly platform boots and preposterously huge sequinned shoulderpads! A lovely bit of 70s nostalgic glam! Who can complain about that?

Well, apart from Jessie Ventura, who'll complain it's ripping off his Captain Freedom costume in The Running Man. And he can't complain because he's got a really weird chin that looks like it's got a hole in it...

...probably from an Alabama tick that dug itself in. Once that didn't have time to bleed, hence the lack of blood oozing out of his wangy chin. Jessie "The Body" Ventura? Jessie "Freaky Chin" Ventura more like!

But back on topic - Leader Of The Monkey Gang Glitter Gorilla! Who could possibly have an issue with that!

In fact - get rid of all the copyrighted images - Batman, Iron Man, Optimus Prime, etc, and replace 'em with a slew of seventies stars! Glitter Gorilla, Saville Silverback, Travis Trachypithecus, Rolf Rhesus Macaque, Clifford colobus, etc.

Freddie Starr, not Freddie Mercury!

Can't see how anyone can moan about that lot. It's not like I'm asking for a tasteless Fred West Murders In The Rue Cromwell ape, now is it!

¹ ♪ BORN FROM AN EGG ON A MOUNTAIN TOP
    THE PUNKIEST MONKEY THAT EVER POPPED
    HE KNEW EVERY MAGIC TRICK UNDER THE SUN
    TO TEASE THE GODS
    AND EVERYONE AND HAVE SOME FUN
    MONKEY MAGIC!

WHAT A COCKY SAUCY MONKEY THIS ONE IS

ALL THE GODS WERE ANGERED

AND THEY PUNISHED HIM

UNTIL HE WAS SAVED BY A KINDLY PRIEST

AND THAT WAS THE START

OF THEIR PILGRIMAGE WEST

MONKEY MAGIC!

WITH A LITTLE BIT OF MONKEY MAGIC

THERE'LL BE FIREWORKS TONIGHT

WITH A LITTLE BIT OF MONKEY MAGIC

EVERY THING WILL BE ALL RIGHT

    BORN FROM AN EGG ON A MOUNTAIN TOP
    THE PUNKIEST MONKEY THAT EVER POPPED
    HE KNEW EVERY MAGIC TRICK UNDER THE SUN
    TO TEASE THE GODS
    AND EVERYONE AND HAVE SOME FUN
    MONKEY MAGIC! ♫

² ♪ FURORÉ! WOE-OH!
    VOLARÉ! WOE-O-O-O-OH!
    YOUR STEW HAS COME FOM A TIN
    YOUR LOVE HAS GIVEN ME WIND ♫

³ ALTHOUGH THAT MAY HAVE BEEN AN EXCUSE FOR THE MENFOLK TO GO OFF EXPLORING IN THEIR PISS-HELMETS, TAKING TIFFIN WITH THE SAVAGE BRONZED BARE-BREASTED AMAZONIAN WARRIORESSES!
"I SAY, MY HUSBAND, MAY I BE SO BOLD AS TO PARTAKE OF A PLACE IN YOUR EXPEDITION? I KNOW I AM ONLY A WEAK WOMAN, BUT I YEARN TO SEE THE BEAUTY OF FOREIGN CITIES"
"WHAT? CEASE THY MUTTERINGS WOMAN! WHY, THE JUNGLES OF AFRICA ARE RIPE WITH SAVAGE BEASTS READY TO PENETRATE YOU WITH THEIR PREHENSILE PRIMATE PENISES. DO YOU WANT YOUR GASH INVADED BY A GORILLA'S GIRTH AGAINST YOUR WILL? I SHALL NOT HAVE MY WIFE'S VADGE VIOLATED BY A MONKEY!"
"OH MY! I DO DECLARE SUCH TALK HAS GIVEN ME THE VAPOURS! DO EXCUSE ME WHILST I GO FOR A LIE-DOWN AND FLICK ONE'S BEAN TO THE FANTASY OF MONKEY MONSTER-COCK INVASIONARY RAVISHMENT!"
"I SAY, STEADY ON THERE!"
"YES! TAKE ME TO YOUR PRIMATE MATING NEST, AND DESPOIL ME IN A MOST WANTON FASHION! OOOH OOOH OOOH... OOOOK! OOOK!"
"ALAS, DOCTOR LIVINGSTONE, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE LOST YOUR WIFE TO THEM DAMNÉD JUNGLE BEASTS. ONCE SHE'S HAD SILVERBACK, SHE'LL NEVER GO BACK!"

I was happy in my my job, now I have no job...

..and Heaven knows Xym's miserable now!

Yes - come Hallowe'en, The Xym is out of a job.

So... there will probably be a deep, dark, depressive tone to the blog for a while.

I'll try to be as (Rastaman vibration, yeah) positive as possible, but there may be days when Xym's so low, there may not even be a blog. Not even in draft to publish later.

If I feel better tomorrow, I might treat you to the Glitter Gorilla idea....

...but I may just sit at me desk feeling sorry for meself, desperately trying to find something The Xym can do from November.

Oh fuck it - try and be positive Xym! Pastaman vibrations from the Almighty Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Trivia for you, fact fans, and fellow Pastafarians of The Church Of The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Did you know you can't spell spaghetti without the word Atheist? And if you take the Atheist out of spaghetti, you're just left with PG.

A nice tip, that leads straight back to Glitter Gorilla's via Johnny Vegas and his live-in monkey lover. Which just proves Michael Jackson faked his own death, and ran off with Bubbles. And just like his idol Elvis, got all fat, so could only sit on a sofa with a simian, sipping PG tea and being atheistic..

Apart from his Holyness, the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Lucy roasts in fires with dæmons...

You know that there Hell?

It's full of big ole meanie pants, all abusing each other.

And lording over the red hot pitchfork anal probes is Ole Lightbringer himself - Lucifer Morningstar.

Now, that miseryarse Yahweh cast him down into ye pitte for all eternitye for raising an arab spring up in Paradise, and it got me wondering.

Being King Of Inferni isn't much of a punishment - what, being crownded King? Lord of your domain to do as thou wilt?

Doesn't sound that 'orrible to me.

But then, I though more on it. After all, Ole Cloven-hoof (on which strumpet slappers destined for red-hot poker plugged poontang base their Primarché legwear to show off their deadly sin of Lust crotchables) was an Angel, so perhaps his punishment is more annoying and upsetting.

I reckon everytime there's a meeting Down Below, Lucifer has to put up with Beezlebub, Leviathan, Asmodeus and Mammon all gang up on him and call him girly names.

"Oi Lucifer! Lucifer! Lucy! Heh heh! You've got a right girly name, you has!"
"Shurrup you"
"♪ Lu-cy, Lu-cy, your name is Lu-cy! ♫"
"F'cough, y'bastards!"
"Hey, let's put Lucy in her dress and make her wear a bra!"
"Stoppit!" *blub*
"What? Is girlyboy gonna cry?"
"Stop bullying me :( I'm Satan, Lord of Darkness"
"No, you're Lucy, you're a girlie in a big girls blouse who's so scared of the dark you wet yer frilly knickers in fright!"
"I cast torment upon the wicked!"
"No you don't Lucy - you play with your dollies. Voodoo doll? It's a bloody Barbie in a pink dress, with the full playhouse set. And you subscripe to Barbie's Webpage"
"Stop picking on me or I'll tell me mum!"
"Ooooh, hark at her! She's going to run to mummy! Probably to get some Veet to get her hairy goatlegs all nice and smooth for the boys! Veet for Lucifer? Veet for Lucy's fur, more like! ♪ Hairy tits, hairy teats, Lucy ha-as hairy nips! ♫"
"Waaaaaaaah!"
"♪ Your name is Lu-cy! Your name is Lu-cy! You snog the bo-oys, with yer smelly fa-nny! Ner ner nee ner ner! ♫"

All in all, another fun day in Hell!