Up, up, and a gay...

The things they use to promote a choccie bar these days!

There was an ad on last night promoting the new Kit-Kat "Chunky Champion" Superheroes.

Chunky champions? They weren't that fat - Even after scoffing all that chocolate! Chunky champions indeed!

Take that Mintinator - far from chunky, he's as weedy as that bespectacled yellow peril in red on the Sumo Rings element of Takeshi's Castle.

"Happy clappy Jappy chappie slapping Dappy wearing snappy nappies and eating snackies", as Lister would say. probably.

Then we get the Dominatrix, sorry - Coconutrix. Some svelte siren of superhero sexyness in a tight white jumpsuite, who's probably got the job coz ♪she's got a luvverly pair of coconuts♪, and favours four fingers up her flange!, the dirty sexKitten-Kat.

But who's this other superhero of snacks?

Now, we all know Peter Porker was bit by a radioactive oinker and became Spiderpig. Clearly, this chocolateer musketeer was raped by the radioactive ramrod of Mr Big in the showers to become The Fudgernator. Packing fudge at any opportunity!

Well, I guess Real Men have their Man Fuel of Yorkie bars after having to carry a bit of shopping up a slight incline coz they can't be arsed to park outside their house. I guess in these days of SameSexSandwich¹ diversity equality, it's only fair they have a fudgernator to fill their fudge tunnnel with spunkybum homofuel.

The Fudgeatron indeed! Why couldn't Coconutrix have been the Fullsome Funbags Of Fudge, with rivulets of hot chocolate fudge sauce poured over her heaving busom and smeared all over her fudge factory instead?

No imagination these televisual advertising types!

Kit-Kat's chunky FudgeNugder
Sporting the Gay Tash Of Sterotypicity and Giant Turd Onna Stick.

and Kit-Kat's chunky Juggernaut... ...as in pair-of-coconuts jugs-ernaut
Wielding the masochistic mace of mammarial munchies
whilst repressing the pointy nips of pokey-eyes-out. or something.

¹¹ GBLT. GAY BACON, LETTUCE AND TOMATO. THERE ARE THOSE WHO THINK IT STANDS FOR GAY, BI, LEZZA AND TRANNIE... BUT I GUESS THEY MUST BE VEGITARIANS RATHER THAN VAGITARIANS, COZ ALL CARNIVORES KNOW WHAT A BLT IS! UNLESS, OF COURSE, A THE CUMPONENTS OF A BLT SARNIE ARE ALLITERATIVELY GENDER CONFUSED. BISEXUAL BACON, LESBIAN LETTTUCE AND TRANSGENDERED TOMATOES.

That's why scum goes to Iceland...

Remember t'other week when I happened to mention;

"Yay! First day back at work, and I already has had generic waste and vitrolic abuse flung at me by the Iceland tramp"

Well, that very self-same Knight Of The Road is in Todays Evening News bewailing his lot on the horror of being homeless. Apparently "thousands of people who walk by him every day - some give him money or food, some attack him during the night, most simply ignore him".

Well, on account of his flinging litter at people, and shouting abuse at them, it's not exactly a surprise now, is it!

But it's oh so hard, being homeless in cold, being fed only spare frozen burgers by passing Icelanders.

But he copes with the Ice Age glacial temperature drop, as he copes with everything else.

By indulging in Solvent Abuse.

Sloooooooooow news day then!

Read orl abaht it! Homeless man is homeless! Solvent abusing, detrius throwing, threatening shouty tramp turns to solvent abuse because it's a bit chilly out. Beggar often bullied and beat up, no doubt because he was mouthing off or chucking stuff at people. Again.

Well, who'd've thunk it!

I've no sympathy. After having him lob a half full cup of coffee at me and into his own personal litter bin (the St Stephens subway¹) and suffering his tirade of abuse, he deserves everything he gets.

Iceland should kick him out, bung him in a hostel, sort his addiction out and get him a job. Surely there are charities to cater for homeless folk... or has he been kicked out of them all for being a git?

Yes, there are homeless people in desperate need out there in the Big Freeze, so why not focus on more genuine deserving cases, rather than some selfish, nasty abusive no-mark.

Grrrrrrrr!

¹ NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE ST STEPHENS "EAT FRESH" SUBWAY ABOVE THE ST STEPHENS UNDERGROUND SUBWAY. FOREVER TOSSING HIS VARIOUS ITEMS OF REFUSE OVER THE RAILINGS, REGARDLESS OF IS ANYONE MAY BE ON THE RAMP BELOW 

Get Tweenage Kicks right through the night...

Now then, now then, guys and gals.

In a scary twist in the ever growing Savile saga, The Ghost of Sir Jimmeh is still preying on Tweenagers.

Apparently, he possessed a puppet on popular kids show "Tweenies".

Digging out his old pædo puppet outfit of tracksuit and jingle-jangling jewellery, his ectoplasm spurted into a Tweenie called Max, who then constantly ejaculated catchphrases.

Now there is much outrage at this latest scandal - for this was filmed originally in 2001 - and now, 12 years later, he's used his death to travel back in time to inhabit a puppet to get his grubby pædo presenter posthumous paws on more vulnerable tweenagers!

Disgraceful!

Why did the BBC not hire Derek Acorah to exorcise the entire BBC library? Instead of ripping the deviant soul of Savile from inhabiting the Archives From Beyond, his saucy spirit is left to lurk in seedy roms and hardon drives, seeking new digital kiddie shows to poltergeistly invade!

The sex-crazed spirit possessing a puppet to gain access to underage Tweens

The Zombles of Wimblebum Common ate me...

So, a question was asked:

"okay if a zombie bites a vampier and the vampier bites a human what dus the human tern in to???"

Well, first of all, Zombies are shuffling shamblers, so they've no chance of biting a Vampire. And even if they caught up, then Drac would turn into a bat and fly up where the brainmunchers cannot reach.

Anyhoo, even if the groaning feaster on flesh caught the Wamphyri and sunk it's infected incisors into it, it would make little difference.

For a Vampire is one already undead. Died and arose with a taste for the necks of scantily clad nubile young virgins in bedrooms, rather than biting the brains out of bonces.

And as, in essence, a Vampire is just a more suave Zombie, then a biting would have no effect.

Ergo, if a zombie bitten vampire bit a human, they'd just become a Vampyre.

Possibly with an urge for brainblood.

But that got me thinking - forget about zombies and vampires - what about Zombies biting Wombles?

ZOMBLES!

Hordes of reanimatory litterpickers, marauding through Wimbledoom Common and biting the faces off picnicers¹!

♪Underground, in a crypt, on brains they feast

The Zombles of Wimbleybum Common deceased.

Eating the brains of the people they find,

Brains that the everyday folk left at home♫
Which explains their gormstrocity. or something. probably.

Anyhoo, we'd end up under siege, and have to fend off Nudie Uncle Bulgarias with naught but a packet of Chocolate Hob Nobs and a blowdart with a proper set of darts. Up to the oché, great, super, smashin', here's what you could've won. A speedboat for going down Leeds high street.

And even then, the threat isn't over - the Zombles will end up infecting their collection of litter, and then we'll have an uprising of refuse! Zombie Stig of the Dump/Tip!

Killer rubbish? Far fetched? Not half - check out this historical tome, which documents a huge homunculous formed of murderous reanimated recycling!

Killer Rubbish from the Earth's core Council tip!

¹ IS THAT RIGHT? THOSE WHO GO FOR A PICNIC ARE PICNICERS? IT JUST DOESN'T LOOK RIGHT. I GUESS PICKNICKERS IS EVER WRONGER. AS IS PICK-KNICKERS, WHICH IS MORE A PRIMARCHÉ SHOPPING ACTIVITY. OR SOMETHING...

Let 'em fall if they want...

as they break their bones

'coz they can't even manage traffic cones!

So sang Lady Gaga with Beyoncé Knowles, where she kills off loads of people in a restaurant.

And how true it is, for once again the local yokels try to kill themselves by making a prat(fall) of themselves.

Duke Street Hazard - fools falling over frozen flooring...

...just like the General Lee hitting a ramp and flying through the air

See, when you're traversing the current Ice Age, and you come upon a huge patch of ice, and traffic cones block off the path so you don't take a tumble, wotcha gonna do?

Head straight for the middle of the traffic cones and walk through.

Unsuprisingly, the retards then slip upon the ice that the barrier warned them about.

Apart from deliberately ignorning the warning of traffic cones barring your way, there are even dumber dumbasses.

So. You're walking towards the patch of ice. You see a gormster in front hit it, pinwheel their arms, and get thwown to the fwoor vewwy woughly. So, wotcha gonna do? Cross the road? Dart around the ice rink into the clear bit of road and bypass it?

Don't be so bloody stupid! Of course, you wait for the slippee to arise and scramble off the ice, then follow straight onto the same slippery path and end up on yer arse!

Even when some young Pretty is constantly repositioning the traffic cones that get displaced with each cretin that slides into them. Even when she clearly says "watch out", people just ignore her, wander on...

...and fall flat on their arse!

And then come the scummy mummies with their perambulators.

Quite why these gomstresses feel it necessary to take their newborn spawn out into the freezing cold in a wheeled vehicle onto precarious pavements paved with ice is beyond me. But, against all the above visual clues and warnings, they still insist on trying to traverse the icy wastelands and almost tip your sprog into the river...

...well, a clear case of Darwin Awards! I would say it would take these dozy donuts out of the gene pool...

...if the gene pool wasn't frozen over!

"Oh, that poor person ignored the barricade and fell over. Ha ha ha. Oh, and another one! Oh, the LOLz! Oooh, better get back for the 2 Jeremy Kyle repeats on ITV2+1. I think I'll just push my pram over that same precipitous point where them people took a tumble. It's not like I'm gonna fall, break me neck and let my babby slide into the road to be run over... yeaaaarrrggh! Who put that nana skin there!"

Wot a bunch of spazmoids!

Even the filmer of this spectacle of slippery stumbles is stupid! I make it 22 clips in the video - and he put it on YouTube! At £250 for every clip, he could've made £5,500 out of You've Been Framed! What an idiot! And I think you get £250 every time they show a clip, so imagine the revenue they could've got on repeat shows and other Winter specials!

Some people, eh!

Coffee and (McGormsters on) TV...

Sometimes you have to wonder about da yoof of today, like, innit, bruv.

There's this advert where "Everyday McPeople" are McScumming it and talking McBollocks over their McFuckOffee.

Now, most discourse is generic:

● "Would you mind doing me a massive favour"
● "Just spent an hour talking about staplers"
● "I just feel differently about you now, so you is dumped, y'bastid!"
● "What do you think about us getting it on, you slaaag?"
● "I got the missus knocked up. You're an Aunt now, so buy us stuff, y'bitch!"

And there are two other conversations. One most intriguing: "Ohghk. And then he taped his face to the dog!". Now, that's a conversation I'd like to hear more about.

But, what really pisses me off are these retarded dumbasses:

The collection of clueless quim, conversing craply & consuming coffee

Their conversation goes like this:

"He text me back saying see you laytahrrr¹"

"See you laytahrrr?"

"Like, what does that even mean?"

And then she pulls a most confused face, as if perplexed by the whole concept.

WTF do they teach in schools these days? I know these so called GCSE's are dumbed down to a point where being able to spell your name guarantees a A+ grade, but even so - how can these dumb numb cumbuckets not know what "See You Later" means?

It's self explanatory - "See You Later" means see you later. Meet up at a point in time in the near future. Literally - later on, I'll see you.

Perhaps it's because they's women, and as all menfolk know, what a woman says invariably has no relation to what she's talking about.

When a man says "See you later", he means "See you later". When a woman says "See you later" she means one of a million interpretations from:
● "See you later"; through
● "See you later - not! Fuck off and die"; to
● "I'm going off for a bit to allow you time to buy me a present -
     specifically that thing we were just looking at that I said I DEFINATELY
     didn't want, and that other thing I didn't mention but subtly hinted at by not
     hinting at it in any way, shape, or form - and woe betide you if you haven't
     bought it by the time we meet up later, y'fookin' insensitive, unromantic
     bastard. Never buy me flowers do you. Well fuck you - not! I'm gonna shag
     this cashier in the changing rooms, that'll learn ya!"

or something.

Typical womens. Taking the most simple statement, and unnecessarily twisting and turning it to find some bizarre interpretation she can overanalyze and find fault with, just so she's got an excuse to be a right bitch for no reason whatsoever.

So fuck you McDonalds, and fuck yer McCoffee, ya McCunt!

See you later, what does that even mean, indeed!

¹ OR, MORE PROBABLY, C U L8R. BUT SHE REALLY DRAGS IT OUT WITH THAT WHINEY VOICE OF HERS

M&S? S&M Poundland porn Princesses, more like...

The Filth from the mouths of Pretties!

I popped into Poundland for Team Jelly Babbies and Womble luring chocolate Hobnobs. Now, due to it being the Ice Age, the shop was fairly bereft of customers, as most preferred to skive off having a duvet day watching Jeremy Kyle, I mean work from home.

Anyhew, as the Poundland Pretty was scanning my sweeties, she was busy nattering with the shelfstacker slattern.

The serving wench was blathering on about how the shopfloor siren should have a Rambo-esque breast-slung bullet bandoleer, but packed with condoms and not bullets.

The Blonde Bombshell then explained because it was all so quiet, they get talk all sort of filth without offending the customers. She went on to point out that she dared the other harlot to wear wellies.

And wellies she was wearing.

Shiny, black, PVC wellies.

The store stocking strumpet then went into further erotic descriptives of her intimate attire, such as her French Knickers.. And then my totty on the tills gave further suggestions, such as the black peaked cap.

It all got a bit dominatrixy after that.

Well, I didn't know what to say, nor where to look!

There's me buying my team cookies and gelatine¹ treats, and I'm suddenly drawn into fetishistic fantasies being discussed by trollops on tills!

Who needs 0898 lines and Babestation when you can get sultry sirens talking dirty for free. And get sweeties thrown into the bargain bin!

I'm a-going back tomorrow for more aural sex trouserial arousal!

Perhaps I should mention tight latex leggings and topless service while I'm at it.

Assuming, of course, I'm "at it" with the hot honey, if you know what I mean (and I'm sure that you do).

or something.

¹ ACCORDING TO MR BURNS REGARDING GELATINE: "IT'S MADE FROM HOOVES, YOU KNOW". I SEE. SO HORSEY HOOF² IS GOOD ENOUGH FOR HARIBO, YET PUT IT IN A TESCO VALUE BURGER... I DON'T KNOW WHAT PEOPLE ARE MOANING ABOUT. HORSE IS SERVED ABROAD AS A DELICACY. PROBABLY IN FRENCHLAND. JUST REBRAND TESCO VALUE BURGERS AS LE BURGER AVEC LA VIANDE DE CHEVAL AND JACK THE PRICE UP, RATHER THAN CRYING OVER BLACK BEAUTY INNA BUN!

   AND WHAT IF IT'S MORE THAN JUST TESCO? WHAT ABOUT MY LIDL PONY BURGERS? WHAT ABOUT OTHER TYPES OF EQUINE CARNIVORIAL FEASTAGE? WILL WE NO LONGER BE ALLOWED THIS MAGNIFICENT MOUNT'S MEAT:

   THERE COULD ALSO BE A VEGITARIAN OPTION OF UNIQUORN TOO! AND WHY NOT DIVERSIFY INTO OTHER FANTASY FEASTS OF MYSTICAL MEATS? MMMMMMM - SOUTHERN FRIED PEGASUS WINGS!
   UNLESS, OF COURSE, THIS HAS ALL BEEN ANOTHER AURAL MISPRINT, AND THE BURGERS HAVE BEEN TAINTED WITH WHORE'S MEAT IN SOME SWEENEY TODD/MRS LOVETT SCENARIO. IN WHICH CASE, WE SHOULD BE WORRIED. WHO WANTS AN HERPESBURGER WITH GONORRHEA RELISH?

² AS OPPOSED TO CAMEL HOOF, WHICH I SHOULD HAVE MENTIONED TO THE POUNDLAND PRETTY FOR HER ATTIRE UPON THE MORROW...