Pass me Ear-Trumpet, for I have made yet another faux-pas due to deafness.
I made this mistake of relying on my audio capabilities, and misheard the reminder on the tellybox about filling out the census.
I'd spent all t'other day emptying out and filling up my censers. Hours of scraping clean burnt on incense and topping up with Vanilla Cherry Rosewood Hickorydickorydock before setting it to smokely smoulder, waving it about like a curate in a cathedral before a choir of choristers.
I wouldn't have minded, except I misheard the first time, and spent a weekend filling up my sensors. Replacing batteries and adding additional pressure pads and tripwires.
Oh well, at least if they come a-calling for the £1,000 fine for not filling in the census, I'll detect them well in advance and use my patchouli poison cloud to make a quick escape!
Maybe I should get me ears cleansed. Apparently, them 'Ho Licks Dick' hippie types have this thing called a Hopi Ear Candle. What you do is, you bung a candle in your ear, light it, and it removes all yer earwax!
As if! More likely your earwax would still be there - buried under a pile of melted candle wax! You'd end up with ears like them dribbly bottles in Hammer Horror haunted houses what have had candles in!
It'd be worse than that bit in There's Something About Mary:
"Is that... Is that Hair Gel?!"
"No, you flangefaced jizzbucket. It's a candle I melted on me ear to get the wax out."
"You great fat twat! Wotcha do that for?"
"Some Ho Licks Dick pretty convinced me it would be a good idea."
"Buffoon! I'm not going out with you. Burning a candle in your ear indeed, you gullible gormster!"
