OXO, OXO, OXO ooh wa ah...

Got me cooking some gravy right now!

Wow! Xym's a celebrititty!

It would appear that everyone's favourite pop tart, Beyoncé Knowles (star of DIY SOS and National Lottery Who Dares Wins) had written a song for The Xym!

A love song at that!

It's called XO, which as y'all know is the initials of... why, no-one else in the whole world apart from your very own Xymon Owain!

I've been invited to dinner by Kelis, but no top celeb has ever written a song for ME before!

Apparently, she's got into trub about it. Seems she's sampled the Challenge Anneka disaster in honour of one of my teen crushes. I thought it was Treasure Hunt where she ripped her pants open and the chopper handler had to cellotape her arse on camera, but what do I know!

Nothing, it seems, for XO is also txtspk for Kisshug, so OXOXOXOXO is hug, snog, hug, snog, hug, snog, hug, snog, hug.

And there was me thinking it meant "I wants lots of gravy". Love gravy that is. Off that Smegma Bellendcheese.

No, not Smegma Bellendcheese, Lynda Bellendham of course!

[EDIT] Crikey, the filth on telly these days! Never mind Lynda Bellendham's hugkisshug lurve gravy, fanny battered vaginisms have crept into the New Year family movie. Stuart Little is on whilst I get ready, and the cat has just asked Stuart to "read my furry pink lips"!

The last person who famously "read the furry pink lips of her pussy" was deafblind political activist Helen Keller, and that's how she discovered mass debating. 

possibly. or not. as the case may (or may not) be. probably. or something. perhaps.

We'll drink a cup of milky tea, forsaking old git Xym...

Apologies once more - there has been no blog since Hallowe'en as Teh Xym has been...

...sporadic!

Unemployment does not suit The Xym, and there are ups, and there are DOWNS.

Still, New Year, Nude You they say, so positivity is on the up!

The Desolation Of Smaug, The Mission/Nephilim, Liqueur with Special Pretties at The Whatacunt have ended the year on a mega high! And now I know the identity of Additional Pretties who have privatized their facebooks so I can't ogle up their nudie topless sunbathing albums, nor see their progress throughout Fannuary & Februhairy :(

Anyhoo - one shall try to be a little more prompt with postage of bloggery come the New Year. In the meantime, I've published the draft blogs I started since I became a daytime TV watching layabout, as there were some set lists in there.

New Year!

New Job!

Nude Pretty... and one not married/engaged/long term relationship with kids! Yes, Xym may stop lavishing his devotion upon his currently collected harem of unobtainable Pretties, and speak to those of potential availability - maybe even she of the purple with a fondness for rummaging through tousled glittery follicular manes!!

Oh, who is Xym kidding - he'll still be flirting outrageously with his hot harem of sexy sirens whilst still being an introverted 'fraidy cat too lacking in confidence to approach new Pretties! 

As long as my Harem love me, I'm fine!

Sat'day, Xym's in love (again)...

♪ Shake Dog Shake
  ♪ Play For Today
    ♪ Primary
      ♪ Other Voices
        ♪ Charlotte Sometimes
          ♪ Hanging Garden
            ♪ Lullaby
              ♪ Fascination Street
                ♪ Lovesong
                  ♪ High
                    ♪ Friday, I'm In Love
                      ♪ Just Like Heaven
                        ♪ In Between Days
                          ♪ Close To Me
                            ♪ The Walk
                              ♪ Lovecats
                                ♪ Let's Go To Bed
                                  ♪ Prayers For Rain
                                    ♪ Faith
                                      ♪ Boys Don't Cry
                                        ♪ 10:15 Saturday Night
                                          ♪ A Forest

Liqueur - A Tribute to The Cure, The Whatacunt, Norwich, 28th December

Flattery don't charge these batteries, civilian...

Watching Wreck-It Ralph on Blu-Ray...

Jiminny Jaminny! Look at that high definition. That face... it's AMAZING! 

Now THAT'S one most dynamite gal! Oh, she gives me the honeyglow something awful!

Although I think someone needs to have a word with them there Yew Tree peoples. 

Now, Ralph isn't exactly young, and he has a Jim'll Sex It medal around his neck.

He hangs around with Vanellope, who is 9yrs old

And what does Ralph say as he's falling from the grip of Wash from Firefly as he jingle-jangles his jewellery with one fist?

"I'm bad, and that's good. I will never be good, and that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Furry muff. He knows he's a bad guy, but as he's being tossed off by the Nicelanders, he sees his 9yr old winking at him, and he states, quite clearly: 

"Because if that little kid likes me, how bad can I be?"

I'm pretty sure Jimmy Savile said something similar in the back of his campervan...

...aka The Fungeon...

...probably. or something...

Bah Humbug? B'rit milah, more like...

It's Christmas Eve Eve Eve, and what better festive fare for the eyes than Xmas specials on the tellybox.

And what yuletide treats are in store for us today?

"The Quest For The Holy Foreskin"

Ah, I remember it well from the Nativity at Primary School. The story of the Three Wise Men giving the Baby Jesus the Saturnalian Snip of the tip.

That's what everyone needs to get into the Christmas Spirit - a hunt for the discarded mummified todger flesh of the Lord. The hunt for the prepuce from the prophet's phallus. . 

Who needs The Snowman? Gremlins? Rare Exports? Nightmare Before Christmas? Scrooge? The Muppet's Christmas Carol? Bah humbug.

Nothing bring the message of Christmas home than a scrotal scientist hunting for the offcuts of genital mutilation.

Sod the turkey - serve up some leathery cockskin for Xmas lunch! 

I think I need to find a job as a telly ideas man - next year, I think I shall suggest "The Mystery Of Mary Magdalene's Minge Merkin - Muff Hunter Xym is sent on an archæological expedition to recover the long-lost quimrug relic revered by religious types."

Yeah, that'll work.

Search for the holy foreskin indeed!

[combi]Christ On A Bike...

No set list for this gig, mainly because I don't know much by them.

I believe the three bands were, in order, Das Krapital, Resident DJs, and then CombiChrist.

The middle turn was memorable not by being the Slimelight DJs in concert, but that the bloke on the pewter on the right was that bloke out of Man Vs Food!

No he wasn't Xym - he just looked like him!

Yeah, whatevs! Anyhoo, this band only seemed to have one track. And that went "Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch [pause] Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch [shout something] Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch [shout samething again] Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch Dudsch  etc

Combichrist were OK, actually. A bit shouty for my taste, and their hardcore fans are... immovable. 300 people max? I expect they exceeded that by almost double!

Anyhoo Slimes was cool. Many, many Pretties, a ball pit. a couple of hours with the Mardy Otters on t'middle floor with much illumination and a UV Pretty, a break to watch Mad Max: Beyond Thunderdome admiring many a Pretty in a short skirt, belt, no - may as well be a shoelace round their waist going up the stairs, and a couple of hours in the trad goth fog, afore a last hour in the bar ogling up a few Pretties (and one particular one with HUGE mahoosive.... lashes!).

A really fab night!!

Call the curtain, de-raise the roof...

Spirits are last night!

Well, Eriks of a phantasmagorical "ooh Betty" persuasion, anyway.

And not even Michael Crawfish, for that matter, but a gargantuan lumbering Brühilde of maurauding Walküre fame.

For everyone knows the old adage: The show's not over till the fat bird dances upstairs, loosening the plaster of Ἀπόλλων on the ceiling below and despositing debris on the barnets of the hoi polloi.

or something.

See, them there Health & Safety Gone Mad officials had a right old paddy over Andrew Lloyd Grossman clobbering theatregoers on the bonce with chandeliers, yet some tosh about an inquisitive canine (who performs his investigative interests once the sun goes down) gets away with showering the Shaftesbury set in poncey plaster of Paris because the artex on the ceiling has been shook loose by Bella Emberg & The Roly Polys rehearsing in the attic with Lesbian Dawson.

Dawson's creek - river of lubricated labia, more like!

They really should incorporate this into Phantom:

LA FANTOME:           ♪ Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime ... 
                               Lead me, save me from my solitude ... 
                               Say you want me with you, here beside you ... 
                               Anywhere you go let me go too - 
                               Christine, that's all I ask of ... ♪
DOBBY THE HOUSE ELF LA FANTOME UNBOLTS THE CHANDELIER AND DROPS IT THE ROOF ON ♥BELLATRIX♥ & HERMIONE THE AUDIENCE
LA GROSSE DAME:      What is it? What has happened? Ubaldo! 
MONSIEUR ANDRÉ:      Oh, my God ... my God ... 
MONSIEUR FIRMIN:      We're ruined, André - ruined! 
MONSIEUR POSTGATE: Once upon a time, not so long ago, there was a little girl and her name 
                                        was Emily. And she had a shop.
                              There it is!
                              It was rather an unusual shop because it didn't sell anything. You see, 
                              everything in that shop window was a thing that somebody had once lost 
                              and Emily had found, and brought home to Bagpuss. Emily's cat, Bagpuss. The 
                              most important, the most beautiful, The most magical saggy old cloth cat in the 
                              whole wide world.
                              Well now, one day Emily found a thing, and she brought it back to the shop
                              and put it down in front of Bagpuss who was in the shop window fast asleep 
                              as usual. But then Emily said some magic words:

                                                       Bagpuss, dear Bagpuss

                                                       Old fat furry cat-puss

                                                       Wake up and look at this thing that I bring

                                                       Wake up, be bright

                                                       Be golden and light

                                                       Bagpuss, Oh hear what I sing

                              And Bagpuss was wide awake. And when Bagpuss wakes up all his friends 
                              wake up too. The mice on the mouse-organ woke up and stretched. Madeleine 
                              the rag doll, Gabriel the toad, And last of all, Professor Yaffle, who was a very 
                              distinguished old woodpecker. He climbed down off his bookend and went to 
                              see what it was that Emily had brought
LA FANTOME:             I think I've gone a done a whoopsie. Oooh Betty!
BETTY:                     Stop sticking pins under me eyes!

Xym's list of exciting stuff (Jan '14)...

Fannuary

1st	Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones - FFS. In Cinemas, if you REALLY must…
8th	The Tomorrow People - Will be aired on E4
13th	The Chronicles Of Riddick: Riddick - DVD/Blu-ray released
24th	I, Frankenstein - in cinemas
31st	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #1 - New audio drama: Fractures
??	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #7 - 3 new audio dramas: Spy, Disorder, The Hard Road

Februhairy

7th	Robocop - in cinemas
22nd	Liqueur: A Tribute To The Cure - playing at The O2, Islington
??	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #2 - New audio drama: Battleground

Rest of 2014

14 Mar 2014	Maleficent - in cinemas. Angelina Jolie cast as Maleficient .
28 Mar 2014	Captain America: The Winter Soldier - in cinemas
?? Mar 2014	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #3 - New audio drama: Drones
02 May 2014	The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - in cinemas
?? Apr 2014	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #4 - New audio drama: Mirror
18 Apr 2014	Ninja Turtles - in cinemas. Megan Fox cast as April O'Neill. Oh dear…
29 Apr 2014	Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For - in cinemas
16 May 2014	Godzilla - reboot in cinemas
22 May 2014	X-Men: Days Of Future Past - in cinemas
30 May 2014	Malificent - in cinemas
?? May 2014	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #5 - New audio drama: Cold Fury
?? May 2014	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #8 - New audio drama(s)
?? Jun 2014	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #6 - New audio drama: Caged
10 Jul 2014	Transformers 4: Age Of Extinction - in cinemas
17 Jul 2014	Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - in cinemas
01 Aug 2014	Guardians of the Galaxy - in cinemas
?? Aug 2014	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #9 - New audio drama(s)
?? Aug 2014	Fool's Assassin - First in a new trilogy about Fitz and The Fool, by Robin Hobb
12 Sep 2014	Resident evil 6 - in cinemas
?? Sep 2014	Being Frank: The Chis Sievey Story - DVD//Blu-ray released. Bio-pic about Chris Sievey/Frank Sidebottom
17 Oct 2014	Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - in cinemas
24 Oct 2014	Paranormal Activity 5 - in cinemas - will it never end?!?!?
21 Nov 2014	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 1 - in cinemas
19 Dec 2014	Hobbit #3: There And Back Again - in cinemas
?? ??? 2014	Evangelion 3.33: You Can [not] Redo - released on Blu-Ray
?? ??? 2014	Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut - released on Blu-Ray

2015

?? Apr 2015	Crimson Peak - Guillero Del Toro movie in cinemas
01 May 2015	Avengers: Age Of Ultron - in cinemas. Joss Whedon writer/director! Script now has Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch
15 May 2015	Mad Max: Fury Road - in cinemas
12 Jun 2015	Jurassic Park 4: Jurassic World: 3D - in cinemas
17 Jul 2015	Batman vs Superman - in cinemas
06 Nov 2015	Ant-Man - in cinemas
20 Nov 2015	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 2 - in cinemas

2016

?? ??? 2016

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales - in cinemas

Rumour Mill

TV	American Gods - No longer with HBO, but still in development
TV	Beowulf - SyFy looking at a new series
TV	Preacher - Garth Ennis graphic novel adapted by Seth Rogan
TV	Neil Gaiman's Sandman - Joseph Gorden-Levett claimed to be cast as The Sandman…
TV	Tales From The Darkside - Reboot may be on the cards

Xym needs to be alone tonight...

The Mission ~ Revelations

* Main Set *
♪ Intro Dambusters (Remix) 

  ♪ Black Cat Bone 

    ♪ Beyond The Pale 

      ♪ Hands Across The Ocean 

        ♪ The Girl in a Fur Skin Rug 

          ♪ Naked & Savage 

            ♪ Severina 

              ♪ Butterfly On A Wheel 

                ♪ The Crystal Ocean 

                  ♪ Wasteland

                    ♪ The Crystal Ocean 

                      ♪ Swan Song 

                        ♪ Like a Hurricane 

                          ♪ Blood Brother 
*encore*

♪ Deliverance 

  ♪ Tower of Strength

Bob Noxious

♪ Fuck Off Santa

Fields Of The Nephilim ~ Earthbound 2013

* main set: "The Nephilim" Album 25th Anniversary *

♪ Endemoniada

  ♪ The Watchman

    ♪ Phobia (on set list, but dropped)
      ♪ Moonchild

        ♪ Shiva (not played, probable because it's the B-side to Moonchild & only added to album reissues later)

          ♪ Chord Of Souls

            ♪ Love Under Will

              ♪ Last Exit For The Lost

                ♪ Celebrate

* secondary set *

♪ Psychonaut

  ♪ At The Gates Of Silent Memory

    ♪ New Gold Dawn [short version - single/radio edit?]

*encore*

♪ Mourning Sun     

The Mission, Bob Noxious and Fields Of The Nephilim: Revelations @ The O2, Brixton, 18th Dec 2013

                     

Alice DeeJay In Wonderland...

So, I knows when I's not wanted.

:(

'sif I care.

Better off alone?

You betcha.

Iiiit's Fiiiiiiisssttmaaaaaaaass...

♪ Are you wanking in a sock behind your wall? 

Is it time a Sexy Santa licked your balls? 

Is it bondage in the Fungeon

Just like Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Do the fairies say it's PC to be gay?

So here it is, Merry Fistmas, 

give the wife one up the bum

Look to bukkake now, 

and flood her face with cum 

Are you waiting for a climax to arrive?

Are you sure your vag has room to spare inside?

Does a tranny always tell ya,

That their King Dong is the best

Then they're sucking cock and whoring with the best!

So here it is, Merry Fistmas, 

give the wife one up the bum

Look to bukkake now, 

and flood her face with cum 

What will your Daddy do 

when he finds your momma's one of Santa's whores

A-ha-haaaaaa ♪ 

The Fetish Prince Of Bell-End...

This is the modern US adaptation of "Jack The Ripper Street", starring Willy Smith as the young Prince Albert (with the Frankensteinian bolt through his helmet) tearing his syphillic way through the crack whores of the Bell-End borough of LA instead of the West-End of Londinium.

or something.

A Christmas Carol (Carol is 9yrs old)...

♪ On the 7th day of Xmas, BBC gave to me, 

7 hairy cornflakes

6 Jingles jangling

5 Savile blings

4 Freddie Stars

Rolf's "third leg"

2 Glitter bombs

and a pædo in a yew tree! ♪

Has he got news for us...

By 'eck, we don't half get into some scrapes!

I've been compared to many peoples over the years, many inexplicable. Dustin Hoffman, Dave Vanian, etc.

But Boy George?

Now, there were many humerous adventures down the Whatacunt tonight. I would regail you with them all, but the highlight was being threatened with a duffing up by Jimmy Somerville.

We'd come out, and a triplicity of peoples somehow joined our group, one of whom bore a likeness to the Bronski meat Beater, who was clearly looking for a fight.

Presumably because his diminutive Small Town Boy Gay look needing beefing up a bit, so he was trying to be so macho. Like that Sin Eater who nobbed Simon Cowell. or something.

Anyhoo, as we made out way up King's Street, he began insulting us one by one. One of us in particular. After averting many bear fisticuffs, we managed to separate the goader & someone else.

But alas, the sarky Somerville kept on needling at Stewie, and began creeping up behind to get a fight on. 

So foolishly, everyone's favourite Chivalrous Kerniggit In Shining Ordure stepped between, to keeps them apart. But in his rage to attack, he barged past me and decided to turn his wrath upon the Xym.

"Do you want some then, Boy George? Fuck you, yeah"

Unfortunately, I was so creased up in hilarity at such an out of the blue incomprensible insult, I missed his so-called mate decide to take action, and jump on him. Upon which he fled like a little girl, and all I could think was Small Town Boy "Run Away, turn away, run away, turn away, run awaaaay", and further mirthings commenced.

Unfortunately for him, both his "mates" and someone else raced after him and gave him a right good kicking.

He wasn't so gobby or goading for a fight after that.

But he had lost his shoe, which made me laugh even more.

I should have stepped in and stopped it, but to be honest - he did deserved it. And it was well funny.

It's always an adventure when we go out.

Friday? But it's Nude Tuesday at The Dentons...

Dagnimmitynammit! 

It's Dec 6th and Go To Work Nude Day, and The Rustmobile is broke! 

I'm stuck in Catton Stuck waiting on an alternator being fitted, which means I can't get to The City...

... therefore missing out on my Starbucks Serving Wenches & HMV Babes all nudified :(. 

There'd better be hot Tavern Slatterns baring all behind the bar in The Wildman & Whatacunt t'neet!!

Free Nelson Mandela

So, Nelson Mandela has died.

And the first thing that popped into my head was the song "Free, Nelson Mandela" by The Special AKA.

Well, not exactly.

The tune was the same, but the first thing that actually popped in my head was "R.I.P-eeee, Nelson Mandela".

I'm such a bad person.

Carol Phwoarderman's Christmas Cuntdown...

Christmas preparation...

Inspiration...

Presentation...

Illumination...

Anticipation...

Duplication...

Flirtation...

...

Inebriation... 

Lubrication... 

Penetration... 

Ejaculation!

Lunchtime lech...

Being unemployed DOES have some advantages, you know.

Such as meeting up with other unemployed chums for a chinwag in Starbucks.

However, not MY Starbucks. I've been cheating on my sultry Starbucks wenches with another branch (luckily where one of my hotties has been reassigned to!).

And for why? Why leave your reserved space on St Stephens?

Well, for one, it's my compatriots favourite store, and you know me - always deferring to the wishes of others.

And second, the Lunchtime Lech!

See, Haymarket Starbucks has a counter running along the windows wall that looks out on Gentleman's Walk. Gentleman's Walk? Gentlemen's Wankbank, more like!

Lookit all the lovelies leaving for lunch! Passing pretties aplenty on the busiest street! Secretaries in short, airy skirts being blown about by the wind to interesting effect! Downblousing décolletés of dames sat below and the flossing of their labourers cleft with their gaping jeans!

And to think, I used to be stuck in an office compiling COBOL programs and JCL when I could be stuck in an orifice. or something,