Te te te te...

♪ t' t' t' t' testes

Take 'em, feel 'em

Only please don't squeeze 'em

You ain't never gonna peel mine

Respect your balls (respect your balls) ♫

I forgot about this yesterday!

When we were down The Queen Of Iceni, ogling up white haired waitresses, talked turned to the Reload festival in September, where we get to see Kool & The Gang, Soul II Soul, Rick Astley, ABC, Go West, Hot Chocolate, Imagination, Odyssey, and From The Jam (Saturday), and The Human League, Billy Ocean, Sister Sledge, Jason Donovan, Heaven 17, Aswad, Five Star, Bjørn Again, and The Real Thing (Sunday).

A fine line up, I think you'll agree¹!

Anyhoo, 80s nostalgia took us back to Mel & Kim, and how me & Eva Patel used to do the "Respectable" dance at college!

And then we thought, well, them Pretties had #NoMakeUpSelfie... then tried to get manporn by inventing #CockInASock (or #ManUpInMakeUp for badtrannyporn) - why not replace the phrase "respectable" with "respect your balls" for testicular cancer?

It would be great fun on 80s nights, when the Applebys are played, and everyone joins in with "Respect Your Balls"!

Well, it was a right laff in the pub!

That said... Mel did die a cancerous death, so maybe a cancer prevention pastiché of their top pop hit is slightly inappropriate.

But she didn't have a cock'n'balls, so it shouldn't really infringe (in minge?) on copyright...

¹ NO, WE DON'T! APART FROM HUMAN LEAGUE! LET'S ALL GO AND LOOK SMUG, AND TRY AND MAKE EVERYONE THINK GOFFS ARE JASON DONOVAN FANS...

A brand new breed, of Pharisee, make me want to scream...

Well, I never did become a groupie magnet as a frontman for my imaginary goff tribute band "Fields of the Mission of Mercy".

But as I wandered past The Playhouse, I had a brilliant brainwave!

Everyone loves the music of Michael Jackson.

Everyone loves the music of The Shamen.

Why not form an Acidic Ravey Wacky Baccy Jackie tribute act called...

...

...wait for it...

...

...you ready...

...

...THE SHA'MONE (muthaluvva)!

"♫Jesus Loves Amerika, but I don't love neither♫?". Ha, more like "♫Jesus juice in Neverland, but I don't like pædos♫"!

"♫Es are good, Es are good, 'e's Ebeneezer Goode♫"? "♫Billy Jean, Billy Jean, 'er name is Billy Jean♫"

Although L.S.I. combined with Beat It could well end up a bit of a 50 Shades Of Grey wanky subtext:

"♫Your L.S.I. is all that I desire, just whip out your meat and beat it!♫"

On second thoughts, perhaps not...

But The Sha'mone sounds so cool - perhaps I'll just perform Shamen songs in the style of MJ with associated costume and dance style...

♫ Activate the rhythm, 

The rhythm that has always been within yee-hee

Yeaow!

Sha'mone!

Boss Drum motivating rhythm of life

With a cultural revival, this is survival

Hoo!

Natural magical patterns of percussion

Is the discussion, so listen up close

Yee-hee!

Let it connect you to the powers that be

With healing rhythmic synergy

Woo!

Techno tribal and positively primal

Shamanic anarchistic archaic revival ♫

[cratch grab, tilt hat, spin, kick, thrust groin]

Yeah, that'll work...

Iiiit's Fiiiiiiisssttmaaaaaaaass...

♪ Are you wanking in a sock behind your wall? 

Is it time a Sexy Santa licked your balls? 

Is it bondage in the Fungeon

Just like Fifty Shades Of Grey?

Do the fairies say it's PC to be gay?

So here it is, Merry Fistmas, 

give the wife one up the bum

Look to bukkake now, 

and flood her face with cum 

Are you waiting for a climax to arrive?

Are you sure your vag has room to spare inside?

Does a tranny always tell ya,

That their King Dong is the best

Then they're sucking cock and whoring with the best!

So here it is, Merry Fistmas, 

give the wife one up the bum

Look to bukkake now, 

and flood her face with cum 

What will your Daddy do 

when he finds your momma's one of Santa's whores

A-ha-haaaaaa ♪ 

We're falling from XTC...

♪ Gio is making plans, for Xymon

He only wants what's best, for him

Gio has got big plans, for Xymon

Xymon just needs a helping hand

And if Xym's harem makes Xym happy

He must be happy

He must be happy... though he'll soon be out of work...

Jo Faircloth's making plans, for Xymon

He has a future with a total babe

Jo Faircloth's got big plans, for Xymon

Xymon's whole future needs to go through Jo

And if Xym's harem makes Xym happy

He must be happy

He must be happy... though he never talks to girls...

Xymon is too outspoken

But to shy to speak

Or to be even spoken to (in his world)

Xymon is happy with his girls¹

We're only making plans, for Xymon
We only want what's best, for him
We're only making plans, for Xymon
His future lies in... well, not British Steel. A gutter probably... ♪ 

Inspired by a comment regarding Old Fogies being disgusted at mega hot babes who always put a grin on Xym's face, resulting in XTC quotationary comebacks regarding Xym loving to speak and be spoken to. Which is accurate... unless it's a pretty Lady, then he tends to go all to pieces and somewhat quiet and absent. Unless hidden behind a keyboard, when he goes all to PCs. or something.

¹ BY GIRLS, I MEAN HIS EVER GROWING HAREM OF HOT HOTTIES OF ULTIMATE HOTNESS, MANY OF WHOM ONCE GRACED HIS FACEBOOK WALL UNTIL SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PRETTIES GOT ALL WELL JEL OF THEIR RIVALS BEING ALL ON DISPLAY, AND HAD TO LIMIT IT TO XYM & PRETTIES ONLY. AND EVEN THAT GOT MOANED ABOUT, SO IT'S JUST ALICE AND A HATTER IN ONE OF MY HATS AT THE MOMENT!

Mr Grumpy Lives Right Here...

No blog today coz I can't be arsed!

Revelations yesterday put a downer on things somewhat on the employment front, so Xym's as miserable as.

It would have been either a pervy pastiché on The Owl And The Pussycat¹, a rant about the Stamp Gnome², or even The Xym pimping himself out under his own escort agency.

See, we're downsizing our already too-small and overstretched team. So the likelihood is that The Xym will be gutterbound come Christmas. Oh waily woe and misery!

However, it did dawn on The Xym that he could form... his own Escort Agency!

Having had The Fear put into me by seeing Frank Sidebottom Simulcra Alex on The Apprentice preview of the Advert for the Dating Agency task, it occurred to me that there may be a gap in the market for short fat gothboys with preposterous hair and ridiculous moustacios who just about scrub up to almost acceptable appearance.

Most of the current whorehouses, I mean Agencies, tend to pimp out these smart, buff blokes to attend galleries, opening nights, networking events, posh dinners and general shaggery. What about the Alternative Pretties - they don't want some suave posho alongside their PVC lacy hairfalled booted beauty!

Take a look at The Xym (if you can stomach it!) - there's no way anyone's going to believe a Pretty paid to hire such a loathsome accompanyment as their Escort (Best Court!), so they look like they've pulled, rather than looking like a desperate saddo that had to resort to hiring a hunk to dance with them down The WhatACunt!

How cool would that be - the opportunity to hire The Xym! Surely some of my Goffik Princesses would be up for that - and I'd cum at reasonable rates too (a Pedros meal, perhaps. An atrocious cinnamony cocktail. Heck - Xym'll probably take you out for free, just for the pleasure of pleasuring a Pretty. or something).

I'm pretty sure I can get a portfolio together of other Gothboys to pimp out... although that would mean they get picked before Xym, so he has to sit in the office waiting for his bitches to return laden with profits from their prostituting themselves out to Pretties.

And then I'd be even closer to being like Pops from The League Of Gentlemen... 

"Hhhhey, Pretty ladis - why you no a-like-a my boys, huh? Here, Pops give you video camera. Film your date, huh? For the memories, and if things get a little sexytime - ahhh! You know what Pops is sayin'! You want Maverick Bars ? I give you Maverick Bars -  just like Marianne Faithfull! C'mon - come to Pops. He a-treat a-you right!"

Anyhoo, as I'm all sad and depressed at having to Go Through A Selection Process, there'll be no blog today.

:(

¹ THE GIRL WITH THE PUSSYFLAPS FELL ASLEEP
ROHYPNOLLED BY A SCROTE
HE TOOK HER VIBE BUNNY
AND PLEASURED HER CUNNY
AND SHE CHOKED ON A COCK DOWN HER THROAT
etc, etc...

² IT'S MY NON-LOCAL SISTER'S BIRTHDAY ON MONDAY. BOUGHT A CARD THIS MORNING. GUESS WHAT... THAT BOOK OF STAMPS I BOUGHT LAST TIME AND USED ONE... GONE!

Richie, would you like me to toast your marshmallows...

Wotcha gonn do wit' all dem yums?
All dem yums inside yer tum?

I'm-a gonna gitchore stomach pumped

Stomach pumped from all dem Flumps

mah Flumps
mah Flumps, mah Flumps, mah Flumps,

mah Flumps, mah Flumps, mah Flumps,

my sweet marshmallow Flumps!

Check 'em out!

Mah name is Stacy Fergie

an' not teh Flump called Posie

or the Flump called Perkin

'coz Stacy wears no merkin

There's a Flump called Pootle

Jumpin' on mah tu-tu

Oh no that was Girls O'Lard

Green white pink and yellow

pillows of marshmallow

On the desk, made for sharin'

I say no, but they keep givin'

So I keep on takin'

An' no I ain't fakin'

we keep on eatin'

marshmallow treat sin

She'd got me spendin'

Oh, spendin' on mah moneh on sweets

an' spendin' time eatin'...

She'd got me spendin'

Oh, spendin' on mah moneh on sweets

o-on sweets, on sweets...

etc, etc...

The Xym would go on, but he appears to have spent too much time ogling up internet pics of Fergie mocking up a cover for the single, and run out of lunchtime!

"Quiz" they cried "at the pub in Costessey!"

So long, since last time
Sit here in the pub at night
Forsaken by Curtii
Slow, Slow, Slow
Plead for speed!
Sitting here in the pub all night
t'go home would be so nice

Pace o' this Quizzery

Such a mistake

Slapping my face, t'keep me awake

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Sip our beers, Bored to tears
Should start at 8
Starts at 9
Sitting here I can hear the cries
Of fat birds, oversized
Sitting here I'm just wanting to die
Ancient tunes plague me hour after hour
I'm sat here in a quiz that's so dire
All I hear: Why'm I here?

Poor old Xymoni

With both o'the Drakes

Speed of this quiz

Won't keep us awake

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Slow

Don't go!

Don't go, please don't!

Don't go!

Don't go...aaaarrrggh!

So slow, so slow, f-f-f-fuckin' slow!

Bury my face into my hands

Weep.

But on the plus side, we did win 8 pints of inebriage betwixt the three of us... which means another punishing session of o'erlong repeated snippets of snooze. At least alcohol will help us get through the long... drawn out... interminably dull... harpy screeching... pause-ridded... never-ending quiz.

Won't it?

NB: I JUST REALISED THIS SHOULD'VE GONE UP YESTERDAY. FOR SOME REASON, I THOUGHT THIS WAS LAST NIGHT - IT WASN'T. IT WAS THE NIGHT BEFORE. SO WTF DID I DO LAST NIGHT? I HAS NO MEMORY OF IT! I COULD' VE SWORN THIS WAS LAST NIGHT! I REMEMBER FALLING ASLEEP HALF WAY THROUGH AUDITION, BUT THOUGH I STARTED WATCHING IT AFTER I GOT IN FROM THE NON-CHEERY TREE! CLEARLY I DIDN'T... MUST'VE PASSED INTO A TEMPORAL FUGUE ONCE I LEFT WORK... OR GOTS ABDUCTED BY SPACE MONSTERS ONCE MORE, AND MY MEMORY WIPED! OR MY BOTTOM WIPED, AFTER THEIR ANAL PROBINGS. OR SOMETHING.

China in your hand (shandy)...

I PROMISE, this will be the VERY LAST TIME I flog this dead horse with my graphical skillz:

Xym's version of the full Trilogy:

I apologize fully for being a totally SAD GIT with little, or no, imagination - but yesterday's Potter Fap Fiction was extremely popular!

Not to mention 50 Shades of Cheggs...

Or the Xmas edition...

Exploding into a million Whorecrotches...

Well, I wrote you some proper Mummy Porn t'other week, but perhaps I'll diversify into other Fap fiction.

Ladies and Gentlemen, Lords and Ladies, I give you...

Harry Potter 8 - The post-Hogwarts years!

Cumming soon!

  Harry and Hermione sat at the pottery wheel, moulding the clay together. Suddenly, Harry noticed that Hermione had fashioned a huge clay cock, and was suggestively sliding her hands slowly over the moistened moulded tumescent todger.
  She turned her head to Harry, and gave him a significant look.
  "Oh my God, Hermione! Are you fucking serious?"
  "No, Harry, I'm fucking Sirius...
...and Severus."

I know, I know - The Xym is wrong...

So very wrong...

Wank like an Egyptian...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Nursery Busta Rhymes...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Rhapsodising about feedin' so bohemian like you...

Is this pillau rice?
Or is this just tandoori?
Bought a lamb bhuna
With a side dish of cheesey peas¹

Brace for the fire
Raise fork to your mouth
And feed...

I'm just a poor boy
I need a cup of tea
Coz my...

Mouth's on fire! Mouth's gone numb!
Feel it burning through my bum!

Anyway, my wind blows,
poisoning and gassing
me...
Poor me...

Mamma, just ate a naan
Poppadoms I've tried instead
With lime pickle (that I dread).

Mamma, dinner's just begun
Perhaps I should have tried a mild Sathay.

Masaala, ow-ow-ow-ow
Those spices make me cry,
I think I'll have The Ring Of Fire tomorrow.
Curry on
Curry on
'coz nothing really madras.

Too late, my dinner's gone
I washed it down with wine
Rectum stinging all the time.

Goodbye every bhaji
I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and face the loo.

Korma, ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
I think I'm gonna die
I Sometimes wish I never ate this at all

I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh
Pass the chutney made of mango.

Vindaloo does nicely
Very very spicey meat.

Biryani (Biryani)Biryani (Biryani)Biryani (Biryani) Sag aloo

(Aloo go-go-go-gobi)

I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti,
get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
for his loo is quarantined.

From my bum,
'gravy' flows.
Pebbledash the bowl.

I chunder...
Nooooo!
It's coming from both ends!
('gravy' flows) I chunder - It's coming from both ends!
('gravy' flows) I chunder - It's coming from both ends!
coming from both ends!
coming from both ends!

No no no no  no no no no No!

Oh Ring of fire! Ring of fire!
Ring of fire needs anusol

The Rice & Spice
Has forever wrecked my guts
For me
For me
Poor meeeeeeeeee!

Now I know I can eat Chilli Phall and not die!
But the gas from my bot fills the bedroom all night

Oh headache! The stench gives me a headache...
Just get to get out..
Just get to come right out of here... 

I feel the sting of madras
Even when I pee
And nothing stops the splatters
Nothing stops the splatters
From me

(Still it makes my wind blow.)

¹ ON MENU AS MOTOR PONIR. BRILLIANT! I WONDER IF THEY DO SQUEEZY MOTOR PONIR...

Jona (Lewie) and the Vast Bloated Beached Whale¹...

~ or ~

Music To Watch Perv (At) Girls (Go) By Bi

I'm no good at chatting up
Coz I'm too shy to speak
Enough to drive The Xym to drink²
And leer at waitresses
who always clear the mugs piled up
- I'd give her 'the wink'!

But you will always find Xym by the window in Starbucks.

I sit there and admire the view
Watch Pretties go to work³
They all fancy someone else
And never Xym the troll.

Sat there on me own.

Fat boy Xym sups up his brew.

That's why you'll always find Xym by the window in Starbucks.

You will always find Xym sat there perving at Pretties.

You will always find Xym by the window in Starbucks.

Then I met this gorgeous chick
I said "I write a strange blog"
She was into Church and God
But I ain't no bible nut

(This was in the one on St. Stephens)

I had no luck with her :(

You will still find Xym by the window in Starbucks.

You will still find Xym by the window in Starbucks.

Some day I'll meet a pretty girl
Who'll fall in love with me
We'll both walk into a Starbucks
And drink a new latte.

And I'll have done my time by the window in Starbucks.
Done my time sat there perving at Pretties.

He'll have done his time by the window in Starbucks.

He'll have done his time sat there perving at Pretties.

He'll have done his time by the window in Starbucks.

¹ DEDICATED TO THE PRETTY THAT IS JO WOOD, WHO MISSED BEING PERVED OVER DUE TO PASSING THE 'BUCKS SLIGHTLY TOO LATE...

² COFFEE. SPECIFICALLY VENTI ALMAND LATTE (OR GINGERBREAD LATTE AT XMAS) MON-FRI, AND MANGO/PASSION OR RASPBERRY/BLACKCURRANT OF A SATURDAY AFTERNOON

³ OR ANYWHERE ELSE A PRETTY MAY BE OFF TO EARLY MORNING OR SAT AFTERNOON

A Reptilian Sculpture's Ode to O'Dowd ...

I have vision in my eyes three-sixtee.
I can't listen to your lies coz I'm deaf
A reptile, with tail prehensile,
A reptile, who also knows
how to change his pigmentation:
chromatophores, chromatophores! 

Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper Chameleon

I'm not a toad

I'm not a to-oh-oh-oh-oad.

Lovin' would be easy if your colours were like my dreams

Oxidized green, Oxidized gree-ee-ee-een!

Didn't hear your wicked words every day,

As I said, I lack ears, so I'm deaf
And my love is oviparous.
When I nest, I dig a hole.
When you go, you're gone forever.
You string along a single mom.

Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper Chameleon

I'm not a toad

I'm not a to-oh-oh-oh-oad.

Lovin' would be easy if your colours were like my dreams

Oxidized green, Oxidized gree-ee-ee-een!

Every day is like survival,
you're my lover, not my wife's hole.
Every day is like survival,
you're my lover, not my wife's hole.

A reptile, with feet didactyl
A reptile, who also knows
how to live aboreal:
up in the trees, up in the trees! 

Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper, Copper Chameleon

I'm not a toad

I'm not a to-oh-oh-oh-oad.

Lovin' would be easy if your colours were like my dreams

Oxidized green, Oxidized gree-ee-ee-een!...

All my days, am I moulding your clay...

In order to gets me grubby mitts on a potential £50, I did one of them there Surveys work about transportation into the office, where I had to justify my refusal to car pool.

So I thought I'd double check my condition. 

It's more than just aggro-phobia, it's actually xenophobia, with strong Caligynephobia.

So that's me fucked.

Actually, not fucked at all, on account of the Caligynephobia. 

Anyhoo, realising I has xenophobia made me realise James Cameroon's Aliens was wrong with it's depictions of H.R.Gigery genital-based grotesqueries.

"All we know is that there's still no contact with the colony, and that a xenomorph may be involved"

So, naturally, you would think xenomorphobia is a fear of space monsters. But think about it... if phobia is a fear of something, and xeno is strangers, then xenomorphobia is a fear of strange stop-motion terracotta colored plasticine blokes.

Which is nonsensical, as Morph was quite a nice chappie. It was the creamy colored Chas that caused all the havoc.

Ripley Foiley and Hicks Morph, going up against the Alien queen Grandmorph in the Sulaco Pencil Case, surrounded by multiple alien warriors plasticine Chas's!

Somewhere, in the dark and nasty regions, where nobody goes, stands a terraforming colony. Arriving in this dank & uninviting place comes Carter Burke ("Adiós, muchachos"), overworked servant of the Weyland-Yutani Corporation. ("BURKE! Bring back a specimen!"). But that's nothing, compared to the horror that's powerloaded out the airlock. For there is always something out there. In the dark. Waiting to get in!   ♪♫  Don't you open that airlock (you're a fool if you dare!)  ♫♪  Don't you open that airlock (Coz there's something out there!)  ♪♫

Oooh, globbits! 
  

Say Hello, Wave Woodbine..

Hey hey hey hey hey hey hey...
J-J-J-J-Jessie F*

Plod, plod, I arrive

On the case, sweaty face, hot pastrami on rye
Sleazy, Seedy, Steaming hot Manhattan Night
In my office, I'm a Private Eye tonight
Dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty trenchcoat
You think it got a hood? You wrong, You matrincestor!

I can do it just like Poirot - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too
I can do it just like Sam Spade - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too

We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)
We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)

Bang! Bang! Hey! Smith & Wesson!
No pretty Dames or alleys out here.
Chewin' Chewin' Chewin' Chewin' fat with Fangio
Plummet from a rooftop in a final showdown
Dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty dirty trenchcoat
You think it got a hood? You wrong, You matrincestor!

I can do it like Columbo - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too
I can do it just like Sherlock - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too

We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)
We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)

Dames - come bop me on the coiffure!
Dames - I do it undercover!
Dames - Do you dig my trenchcoat collar?
Holla holla woah

Dames - come bop me on the coiffure!
Dames - I do it undercover!
Dames - Do you dig my trenchcoat collar?
Holla holla woah

I can do it like Michael Knight - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too
I can do it just like Shoestring - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too

I can do it like Mike Hammer - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too
I can do it just like Wainthropp - do it like a Sleuth
Grab my gun, trenchcoat and fedora too

We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)
We can do it just like Magnum, Magnum, hey!
We can do it just like Magnum (Tate & Lyle and Splenda)

Do it, do it, like Lazlo
Do it, do it, low like Laz
Do it, do it, like Lazlo
Do it, do it - and some call him Laz!

* Out of Murder She Wrote.