Happy New Year...

Now, I'm having another arsewit moment.

It's New Years Eve, and being a sad fat old miserable git sunk in depression, I'm pondering the meaning of New Years Eve.

Unlike Xmas, which abounds with merry jungles, such as Slade, Cliff Richard and Aled Jones*, New Year has but one.

Auld Lang Syne.

Like everyone else, I know but one verse of this pile of toot, and that is the first one:

Should old aquaintance be forgot

and never brought to mind

We'll drink a cup of milky tea

For sake of Auld Lang Syne

Hmmmm - an old aquaintance is an old friend, and to never bring to mind is to not think about them. So basically, verse 1 tells us that New Year is a time to dump all your old friends and never remember them ever again!

Hardly an auspicious start to the new year!

Talking of seasonal songs, as I was in the midst of that pile of old arse about the 13 days of Xmas, I didn't get to moan about the BBCs edit of Fairytale of New York. There was a big squit about blanking out Slut and Faggot as they were deemed offensive - but what about the rest of the song? Let's see...

Fairytale of New York 

 OK, if you can't say faggot, how can you refer to a fairy in the title!

It was Christmas Eve babe

Babe is a pig. This could be offensive to fat birds

In the drunk tank

could offend alchoholics

An old man said to me,

Ageist for a start,

won't see another one

offensive to blind people

And then he sang a song

The Rare Old Mountain Dew

brings to mind droplets of water on an ancient hags bazookas, which is mentally visually offensive!

I turned my face away

I'm not suprised after imagining her withered old dugs dripping with fluid!

And dreamed about you

that's morphean stalking, that is!

Got on a lucky one

Came in eighteen to one

Could offend the anti-gambling lobby

I've got a feeling

This year's for me and you

So happy Christmas

I love you baby

I can see a better time

When all our dreams come true

They've got cars big as bars

They've got rivers of gold

rivers of gold? Sounds suspiciously like golden showers to me, which again could be found offensive

But the wind goes right through you

farting? Now that can well offend some people

It's no place for the old

Again, offesive in a ageist fashion! No old gits allowed in New York!

When you first took my hand

On a cold Christmas Eve

You promised me

Broadway was waiting for me

You were handsome

could offend ungly blokes

You were pretty

could offend mingers

Queen of New York City

if we can't say faggot,  surely Queen surely must be offensive!

When the band finished playing

They howled out for more

Sinatra was swinging,

surely some people might find partner swapping offensive - it's tantamount to dogging!

All the drunks they were singing

We kissed on a corner

Then danced through the night

The boys of the NYPD choir

Oh, so no girls then. Sexist! Let them through the glass ceiling (so I can sit below and gozz right up their short airy skirts!)

Were singing "Galway Bay"

And the bells were ringing out

For Christmas day

You're a bum

could cause offense. I don't want buttocks in my Xmas music

You're a punk

a lot of people are offended by punks

You're an old slut on junk

could offend old hookers and addicts

Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

offfensive to anyone who has someone in hospical.

You scumbag, you maggot

could offensd some fishermans bait on Jailbait reef!

You cheap lousy faggot

could offend bundles of sticks from Pundland that don't burn very well, or cheapass meatballs in gravy

Happy Christmas your arse

butocks again! What is it with Kirsty McColl and her arse?

I pray God it's our last

God? That could offend non believers!

I could have been someone

Well so could anyone

You took my dreams from me

When I first found you

I kept them with me babe

I put them with my own

Can't make it all alone

I've built my dreams around you

*REMEMBER I MOANED ABOUT WALKING IN THE AIR, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T? WELL, I SAW THE VIDEO ON TOP 100 XMAS HITS, AND ALL HE DOES IS WALK ABOUT HILLOCKS - NO WALKING IN THE AIR AT ALL!

Belong...

There's a telly ad for beer at the moment which really annoys me.

There's this spaceship wot approaches some new planetary life force. So, the crew all trek out on the gantry to gain mystical secrets and knowledge.

And one's wearing trainers.

Now, trainers aren't exactly the most vacuum sealed of footwear, so all the atmos in his spacesuit will be sucked out from around his ankles, and through the laceholes of his ludicrous choice of foot cover.

So, in all probablility, this tosser is dying from lack of oxygen (although I could go for quite a while without hearing Sweet or Jean Michelle Jarre before I popped me clogs - or trainers, in this instance). Anyhoo, the big superior life form denies them entry to the planet as it 'doesn't make the rules'.

The asphyxiating tosspiece then reckons that he thought they looked quite smart! Hello! I may be no fashionista, but those trainers with that spacesuit? No way on Earth!

And they're not on Earth, so it don't matter!

Anyways, the crew then decide (because one of them won't get in wearing trainers) to spend an eternity looking for other marvels by trying somewhere else!  Why couldn't they just tell him to pop in the airlock and put some proper boots on?

Gobshites!

You spin me right round baby right round...

I have mentioned this previously, but how come whenever I wants to buy something that there is loads of stock of, the staff remove it on the day I wanna buy it?

Take today - I had me Xmas voucher for Waterstones. Now, for weeks and weeks I've been considering purchasing Alice In Sunderland. Didn't buy it in London coz I didn't have me voucher. And is there a single copy anywhere?

Like arse there is!

So, I thought I'd replace me Travel Scrabble with a proper one (as I'm not one of the 4 whore's men of the Apo Calypso). There was a dead ace deluxified one, with QUADRUPLE word score... but can I find it anywhere?

Can I buggery sod as like!

Same goes for the fancy wooden scrabble. And the lazy susan turntabley thing.

Lazy Susan indeed. I bet she got a bit pissed off when her mates invented it! Imagine, your best mate invents something to rotate a plate, and not only names it after you, but lets the world know you can't be arsed to turn a plate yourself!

I don't know why anyone bothered inventing one - they could have just used a record player. Or a DJ set with twin decks for 2 dishes! And if they wanted to be even lazier, then set it to 78rpm, and watch the food fly off the turntable and onto the feasters plates!

Mind you, you'd need some sort of funnel system to direct the food onto the plates, rather than a 360° splatterfest.

I'll have a play with that concept tonight - I'll invent the Lazy Ass Xymon, that not only rotates on a turntable, but also fling food from turntable to plate!

I'm gonna be rich!

The DFS sale starts today, and yesterday, and the day before that...

Blimey, you risk your life even reading the telly guide these days!

I turned over a page, and was set upon by some central staples, that had a go at the base of me finger. Yeouch! It's come to something when even the telly guide wants to slit yer wrists at Xmas!

Let's hope I survive reading the Spongebob Squarepants magazine and trading card collection!

Now, I'm no expert, but I on my journey into the City today, I had a bit of a waltz through them 'sales'. Maybe it's because I'm not a girly bird with no fashion sense, but could I find any bargains? Could I buggery sod as like!

UP TO 70% OFF scream the banners... but only on the stuff that's had 80% off for months that no-one wants anyways. Anything I wanted - hah! Reductions of 0% abound - or the items in question has mysteriously disappeared into the ether!

I have cash and vouchers, and narry a bargain to purchase.

Still, the January Sales start next week!

The hero of Canton - The man they call Austen Powers...

It would appear that Jurassic Pork is officially now an Xmas movie. And wot makes it worse, it that it's on THREE times! It were on yesturday, Jurassic Pork 1 & 2 are on tonight, and tomorrow Jurassic Pork 1, 2 AND 3 are on! Why not show 'em all at once, or a J.P. a night?

Still, could be worse, could be that Sarah Jurassical Porker trying to flog her Lovely perfume. Again.

Still, at least Dunston Checks In was on, so that made everyone's Xmas! Everyone loves a cheeky orangutang. Or even the tang of oranges. But not an orange tan, like that fat bird wot auditioned to be Oliver Neutron Bomb in Greece. Actually, forget Greece - they're now auditioning for the musical of Laurence Olivier, but you can only be Nancy or Dodger. (Mmmmm....Jammie Dodgers!).

Now, there was a big hoo-hah over the latest version of Oliver, coz it had a black nancy in it. Call me a fat fool, but in Dickensian England, there were no black people, coz the Empire was flogging them off in the Slave Trade. And being a nancy was illegal. Perhaps the BBC should have made them disabled. And a person of short stature. Tiny Tim, the black nancy boy with a manky leg. In a wheelchair. And Fagin getting done for not having disabled access to his lair.

I think I may submit The Picture Of Dorian Gray to BBC Talent to be remade. Set in 18-something-or-other, it will star Dorian, a Rastafarian gansta. And instead of a portait, it's a JPEG on his Babbage laptop.

OR, I might put forward Pride and Prejudice. Again, an 18th century period piece with a leading lady that the yoof of today can relate to:
"Mr Darcy! Your britches... cor, you ain't arf got a packet!. Nya ha ha ha. Give us a fag and  a can a stella and you do me up the bum an' shit."
"Milady, I fear the summer sun has instilled a rash lustfulness upon your person. Do you not feel this unbecoming of a lady of your station"
"Shaaat ahp and get yer cock aht!"
"But, perhance, what if his Lordship should pass, For surely as not, I could become embroiled in such a scandal as never before seen."
"Me mate'll blow him off, coz she's a right old slag, innit"
"Then allow me to place myself within your person, and become one in a blissful sea of ecstacy"
"Ecstacy? Now yer talkin' mate. I got some, like, pills an' shit. Got any viagra?"
"No, but I do have this token black fellow to patronise the viewers. Why, I have ever heard that they sport the largest of cocks to satisfy even the most rampant of ladies upon the lawn"
"Ooooh Mr Darcy! My bf always wanted me to 'ave a threesome. Wait til my bezzie hears about this!"

And so on...

And finally...

On the 13th day of Xmas

The Postman brought to me

My 'true love' in a pear tree

ParcelForce were soooo pissed off lugging 12 days worth of ludicrous items around Norwich, and I was pissed off with getting them, that they decided to have a lynching.

Thankfully, the Postie had more sense than the ex-True Love, and only lynched 1 instead of 13.

So, to celebrate, I'm having the ParcelForce crew over for a special Xmas lunch tomorrow. We're having Calling Bird Paté with boiled Goose Eggs Benedict followed by Roast Swan with all the trimmings.

Later, as we relax in the lounge, soothing music will be provided on Bagpipes and drums with 9 ladies lapdancing. Afterwards, the maids are being pimped out for 'a-milking' of the guests.

At the end of the evening, we will ceremoniously release all the remaining wildlife into Fiddlewood Forest, and instead of presents, the guest may take a scotsman, a drummer, a maid or a lady home.

I have no idea what happened to the Lords - must've leapt over the garden wall. As long as they don't come back, I'm happy!

THANK CHRIST THAT'S NOW OVER WITH! I APOLOGIZE FOR SUBJECTING EVERYONE THROUGH 13 DAYS OF SHEER TEDIUM.

I'LL START ON MY PROPER BLOG AGAIN TOMORROW. OR EVEN LATER TONIGHT!

On the twelfth day...

For fucks sake!

I drank waaaay too much last night, and the last thing I needed was the arrival of 12 drummers drumming on their drums.

The living room has been trashed. There's feathers and eggs all trampled into the carpet, not to mention certain bodily fluids as the human element of my daily 'presents' engaged in an all night orgy of sex and alchohol in Yuletide celebration.

And as for the Piper with the maid's cows....

You're a fucking Psycho, so stay away from me in future.

Me.

HOORAY! ONLY ONE MORE BLOG ON THIS TO GO, THANK GOD! IT WAS GONNA BE SOOOOO FUNNY, AND I GOT SOOOO PISSED OFF WITH IT. NEVER AGAIN!