It would appear that Jurassic Pork is officially now an Xmas movie. And wot makes it worse, it that it's on THREE times! It were on yesturday, Jurassic Pork 1 & 2 are on tonight, and tomorrow Jurassic Pork 1, 2 AND 3 are on! Why not show 'em all at once, or a J.P. a night?
Still, could be worse, could be that Sarah Jurassical Porker trying to flog her Lovely perfume. Again.
Still, at least Dunston Checks In was on, so that made everyone's Xmas! Everyone loves a cheeky orangutang. Or even the tang of oranges. But not an orange tan, like that fat bird wot auditioned to be Oliver Neutron Bomb in Greece. Actually, forget Greece - they're now auditioning for the musical of Laurence Olivier, but you can only be Nancy or Dodger. (Mmmmm....Jammie Dodgers!).
Now, there was a big hoo-hah over the latest version of Oliver, coz it had a black nancy in it. Call me a fat fool, but in Dickensian England, there were no black people, coz the Empire was flogging them off in the Slave Trade. And being a nancy was illegal. Perhaps the BBC should have made them disabled. And a person of short stature. Tiny Tim, the black nancy boy with a manky leg. In a wheelchair. And Fagin getting done for not having disabled access to his lair.
I think I may submit The Picture Of Dorian Gray to BBC Talent to be remade. Set in 18-something-or-other, it will star Dorian, a Rastafarian gansta. And instead of a portait, it's a JPEG on his Babbage laptop.
OR, I might put forward Pride and Prejudice. Again, an 18th century period piece with a leading lady that the yoof of today can relate to:
"Mr Darcy! Your britches... cor, you ain't arf got a packet!. Nya ha ha ha. Give us a fag and a can a stella and you do me up the bum an' shit."
"Milady, I fear the summer sun has instilled a rash lustfulness upon your person. Do you not feel this unbecoming of a lady of your station"
"Shaaat ahp and get yer cock aht!"
"But, perhance, what if his Lordship should pass, For surely as not, I could become embroiled in such a scandal as never before seen."
"Me mate'll blow him off, coz she's a right old slag, innit"
"Then allow me to place myself within your person, and become one in a blissful sea of ecstacy"
"Ecstacy? Now yer talkin' mate. I got some, like, pills an' shit. Got any viagra?"
"No, but I do have this token black fellow to patronise the viewers. Why, I have ever heard that they sport the largest of cocks to satisfy even the most rampant of ladies upon the lawn"
"Ooooh Mr Darcy! My bf always wanted me to 'ave a threesome. Wait til my bezzie hears about this!"
And so on...
