It's New Years Eve, and being a sad fat old miserable git sunk in depression, I'm pondering the meaning of New Years Eve.
Unlike Xmas, which abounds with merry jungles, such as Slade, Cliff Richard and Aled Jones*, New Year has but one.
Auld Lang Syne.
Like everyone else, I know but one verse of this pile of toot, and that is the first one:
Should old aquaintance be forgot
and never brought to mind
We'll drink a cup of milky tea
For sake of Auld Lang Syne
Hmmmm - an old aquaintance is an old friend, and to never bring to mind is to not think about them. So basically, verse 1 tells us that New Year is a time to dump all your old friends and never remember them ever again!
Hardly an auspicious start to the new year!
Talking of seasonal songs, as I was in the midst of that pile of old arse about the 13 days of Xmas, I didn't get to moan about the BBCs edit of Fairytale of New York. There was a big squit about blanking out Slut and Faggot as they were deemed offensive - but what about the rest of the song? Let's see...
Fairytale of New York
It was Christmas Eve babe
Babe is a pig. This could be offensive to fat birdsIn the drunk tank
could offend alchoholicsAn old man said to me,
Ageist for a start, won't see another one
offensive to blind peopleAnd then he sang a song
The Rare Old Mountain Dew
brings to mind droplets of water on an ancient hags bazookas, which is mentally visually offensive!I turned my face away
I'm not suprised after imagining her withered old dugs dripping with fluid!And dreamed about you
that's morphean stalking, that is!Got on a lucky one
Came in eighteen to one
Could offend the anti-gambling lobbyI've got a feeling
This year's for me and you
So happy Christmas
I love you baby
I can see a better time
When all our dreams come true
They've got cars big as bars
They've got rivers of gold
rivers of gold? Sounds suspiciously like golden showers to me, which again could be found offensiveBut the wind goes right through you
farting? Now that can well offend some peopleIt's no place for the old
Again, offesive in a ageist fashion! No old gits allowed in New York!When you first took my hand
On a cold Christmas Eve
You promised me
Broadway was waiting for me
You were handsome
could offend ungly blokesYou were pretty
could offend mingersQueen of New York City
if we can't say faggot, surely Queen surely must be offensive!When the band finished playing
They howled out for more
Sinatra was swinging,
surely some people might find partner swapping offensive - it's tantamount to dogging!All the drunks they were singing
We kissed on a corner
Then danced through the night
The boys of the NYPD choir
Oh, so no girls then. Sexist! Let them through the glass ceiling (so I can sit below and gozz right up their short airy skirts!)Were singing "Galway Bay"
And the bells were ringing out
For Christmas day
You're a bum
could cause offense. I don't want buttocks in my Xmas musicYou're a punk
a lot of people are offended by punksYou're an old slut on junk
could offend old hookers and addictsLying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
offfensive to anyone who has someone in hospical.You scumbag, you maggot
could offensd some fishermans bait on Jailbait reef!You cheap lousy faggot
could offend bundles of sticks from Pundland that don't burn very well, or cheapass meatballs in gravyHappy Christmas your arse
butocks again! What is it with Kirsty McColl and her arse?I pray God it's our last
God? That could offend non believers!I could have been someone
Well so could anyone
You took my dreams from me
When I first found you
I kept them with me babe
I put them with my own
Can't make it all alone
I've built my dreams around you
*REMEMBER I MOANED ABOUT WALKING IN THE AIR, WHEN THEY ACTUALLY DON'T? WELL, I SAW THE VIDEO ON TOP 100 XMAS HITS, AND ALL HE DOES IS WALK ABOUT HILLOCKS - NO WALKING IN THE AIR AT ALL!
