It's political correctness gone mad! It appears you're not allowed to say the 'N' word anymore...
Nativity!
Now, there are these mentally challenged bods (or Christians, as they prefer to be known), who are kicking up a right old stink that Christianity is getting eroded. Ha! Serves 'em right for eroding Paganism!
Anyways, these loons are upset because only 23% of the whole of Britain (BASED ON A SAMPLE OF 1200 PEOPLE) don't know where Jesus was born, and they want to keep The Nativity a strong tradition.
Unfortunately, this is where it all falls down flat. Most Christians don't know where (or even when) he were born! Jesus was born in Naranene, (later became Nazareth, and went on tour with their rock guitars) somewhere between the end of March and Mid June. And Mary was never a virgin in the bible. In fact, Bethlehem didn't even exist at that time, and Herod was long dead. And Jesus is actually pronounced Hey Zeus... etc...
Also, Jesus was foreign from the Middle East - so how come these Nativities always have it in some English snowstorm? Surely the whole cast should be in djebellas, with Mary in one of them Ninja suits, moaning about how hot it is, and how the goats smell...
And Joseph were a carpenter, so how come he ain't lobbed his hand off when carving some ornate wooden dildo for Mary and had it replaced by a hook. Surely he should be espousing terroristic threats and calling for Jihad on them three wise men for not getting Jesus a PS3, an iPhone and a furby.
Three wise men my arse! Gold, Frankenstein and Grrrrrrr - Probably Mary's three best chavvy mates fresh back from shoplifting, bearing thieved gifts of a packet of Rothmans, A six-pack of Happy Shopper Pisshead Brew, and some Lizzy Duke earrings they've happy slapped down the Inn.
No room at the Inn - they didn't even have inns in the Middle East! They had aged, toothless, long-bearded foul smelling fakirs on hookah pipey wotsits, sat outside shops selling tat, guzzling apple tea with sheeps eyeballs on cocktails sticks.
Meanwhile, Joseph's out the back, flogging the 'gifts' on Al-Jezeera eBay, cursing western consumerism whilst downloading Bhupinder Bangs Bethlehem whilst God's busy giving Mary one up the wrong'un.
And what's with them swaddling bands? Tie the baby up so it can't move - not very nice to torture the saviour of mankind! Poor old Jesus - trussed up like Frodo by that there Shelob. Only there's no Samwise Gamgee to cut him loose - just his cousin John*, and he's far too busy baptising people, gorging on honeyed locusts and making the mistake of asking Salami to give him head.
It were awfully crowded in that stable - donkeys, goats, wise men, the immediate family, angels... And weren't there a load of Sheep herders there as well**, who just happened to show up for a quick peek at the Magdalene's Muff on the pretence of 'watching the Lord enter the world'. yeah, right! More like them Shepherds heard about her nobbing God behing Josephs' back and thought they might be in with a chance.
Coz it's were a pain in the arse having sandals instead of wellies.
Especially for their fluffy charges...
* AT LEAST, I THINK IT WAS JOHN LE BAPTISTE. ALTHOUGH COULD'VE BEEN JOE LE TAXI DRIVEUR.
** WOULDN'T THE NATIVITY BE DEAD ACE IF, INSTEAD OF A LOAD OF SHEPHERDS, A LOAD OF OLD NERFHERDERS TURNED UP!
HEY - WHO'SE SCRUFFY LOOKIN'?
