Watch out, watch out, there’s a Humphrey about...

Madame Fate is sticking her big fat oar in again!

Now, I quite fancy some Honey Encrusted flakes with nuts, and I would like to top the lot with a product popularly know as milk.

So how come all the shops in the Zooniverse are either shut, inaccessible or out of milk?

I seem to recall that in the 70s, there were some Humptyesque beings with straws in their bonce that went round nicking milk. Then the ads suddenly disappeared. Now I know why - the Humpries are back!

Either that, or them Cravendale cows are ram-raiding the local garage and forcing people to lure me away from locations where milk might be present.

Then again, being a subbeuteo subutio Subbeauteo football player, a pirate or a plastique cow can't be that much fun. After playing musical statues and traversing the country in a trolley, there's hours of entertainment to be had by obfuscating creamy bovine produce to deter me from joining the rest of the country in going crunchy nuts.

I'll just have to toast me flakes under the grill and butter them individually. After all, butter is just milk that's been left to go off a bit. And cheese is just butter gone hard, and then flogged off when it's mouldy!

Blue Stilton! It's covered in bluey green mould and tastes like bluey green mould - but people like it! But these self same people won't eat mouldy bread - why not? It tastes just like stilton.

And Parmesan cheese tastes like sick.

D'oh! I forgets! You've now got to call it Palmi shaaan cheese - just so you sound posh like Nigella Lawson or that nudie chef wot sez Pukka a lot. Or that Ramsey, bunging his sea shells onto various artifacts out by Black lake.

Are YOU playing your Love Games with me?