I thought channels like TLC¹ were the epitome of dumbed down tevevisual gormstrosity. But today's ITV news takes the biscuit. or cookie. or [Jaffa] cake. or something.
For, according to the blonde bimbette, was the one in a lifetime opportunity. The Day Of The Three Ss.
Sigue Sigue Sputnik!!!
Alas, no. An altogether different satellite. To whit, the Moon.
(was that an owl?)
So, what is this astrophysical conjunction of three Ss then?
1. The Supermoon! The moon is at it's nearest point in orbit to Earth, Meaning it's FUCKING HUGE in the sky!
2. The Equinox! Ermm... well, the X sounds like an S. ish. Although they didn't mention it, let's give her the benefit of the doubt, and assume she meant Winter-into-Spring Equinox! Or the first day of Spring!
3. The Eclipse!... No, apart from the S at the end, I got nothing. I guess she was thinking of Stepanie Meyer's Twishite Saga, of which Eclipse is the third novel.
Day of the three Ss my best hat!
And as for this so-called once-in-a-lifetime never-to-be-missed tell-yer-grandchildren-about-it eclipse! I'm glad I took Susanna Reid off ITV's Breakfast's advice, and saved my eyes by watching it through a colander, because (a) I looked like a hunky gladiator, and (b) I couldn't see anything as the majority of the view was a dirty great colander, and the holes not big enough to get a clear view!
But witness this spectacular event as seen from Norwich! See how the Eclipse began!
Ooohh, the Great Dung Beetle has rolled his celestial ball of shite halfway over the burning eye of Ra!
N'gaiah!!! Ye skyes are blackened by deepest night! Ye würlde plungeth into deepest anarchy! Dark tentacles plummet from Beyond Ye Spheres, reaping humanity and plunging their helpless flesh deep into Ye Great Olde one's interdimensional maw and feast on our souls for all eternity. Ïa! Ïa! Yog-Sothoth! Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn! Zi dingir anna kanpa, zi dingir kia kanpa! Shadu yu lite kunuski²! Oh, wait...
Why, I could barely keep my Jaffa Cake guzzlement in synch with the gobblement of Sol by the Sky Dragon! Full moon? Half moon?... Totally piss!
Astronomy? Arsetronomy, more like!!!
¹ ALLEGEDLY, THE 'LEARNING' CHANNEL. SHOWCASING SUCH EDUCATIONAL GEMS AS HERE COMES HONEY BOO-BOO.
² MAY THE MOUNTAIN, SHAKE YOU TO THE CORE
