TORIES FLOUNDERING AS MEAT HAS NO PLAICE IN COD'S WILL!
ATHIEST FURY AS MEAT IS SET TO BE BANNED
DAVID Cameron has found himself EMBROILED in yet another food furoré last night, The Fail can exclusively reveal.
Following his recent announcement that he wished Britain to be 'more confident about our status as a Christian country', concerns have been raised that this could lead to a pigs-in-a-blanket BAN on meat in Britain thanks to CHRISTIAN lobbying groups.
UNFOUNDED reports claim that the Prime Minister is set to BAN all meat for consumption on Fridays, and if the pilot exercise is successful, the ban may be extended to EVERY day of the week.
EVIL Christians are no stranger to courting CONTROVERSY. Indeed, since their INSIDIOUS creep into English culture, most of our heritage and culture has been wiped out. The Government have kowtowed far too often under EU Political Correctness laws to APPEASE those of FOREIGN faith.
"Used to be, come May Day, we'd have a May Day procession," said a UKUNT spokesperson, "and the children would dance around a Maypole entwining the ribbons in a proper English fertility rite. Now, we can't have a proper English celebration in case it offends some Christians or Operation Yewtree. Now they want to take our meat! We should close our borders, but if they come here, they should abide by our laws and customs."
Our WEAK government has shown NO backbone in the face of religious ZEALOTRY on our shores. Already, Saturnalia and Yule have been phased out, and "Christ Mass" put in its place. Eostré has also been OVERSHADOWED by Easter, and many see this latest DEMAND from the Christian Church as being the LAST straw in the Christianitification of England.
EXPERTS investigating the theological basis of the new law point to the arcane ecclesiastical practice of not eating meat on a Friday. Professor Lucy Fayre of the Society For Biblical Scholars stated: "According to my RE teacher when I was in a CofE school, the Bible states that it is forbidden to eat meat on a Friday, and we were only allowed to eat Fish & Chips. This stems from the miracle of the loaves and fishes, where Jesus spent 40 days and nights fasting for Lent, then turned 5 loaves & 2 fishies into fish finger sandwiches for 5,000 people."
TRADITIONALLY, fish is often served on a Friday, but the omission of meat is often unobserved. Although there is no passage in the Bible specifically DEMANDING Christians eat fish on a Friday, many feel it is implicitly implied as a RELIGIOUS tenet, and BOYCOTT any venue serving meat, and thus keeping the DEFICIT increasing as businesses lose custom.
Fed up of the fictional PANDERING to CHRISTIANS, athiests took to the forums to demand this law be REVERSED. One poster summed up the new policy as "why do they hav 2 tek away or meet its DESCUSTING if christiens wont to ban beef and bacon they can f**k off bak 2 jerusalum and et all teh fish they wont this is england an im prowd to be british"
However, when challenged as to why they were not proud enough to be able to master the ability to write, spell, punctuate, gramatically construct (or even speak) English properly, they replied "im not rayshalist but this is engerlund not nazi germany we have free speach an if u dont like it u can fuk off you am a twart"
"It's ridiculous." A spokesbloke for the National Union Of Cider Refreshed Morris Dancers bewailed "Our jobs are on the line. First we were banned from our Fool having a pig bladder on a stick in case it offended someone, then we were banned from burning bobbies in anthropomorphic wicker simulacra. Now we're being banned from scoffing a cornish pasty after a hard days bashing each others stout sticks. When will these Christians stop persecuting us and eroding British tradition and heritage?"
But it's not just real ale bell-ridden flouncers OUTRAGED at David Cameron's Fish Friday policy. Mother of 8 Vikki told our reporter "Like, mah kidz, right, it's, like, their Friday Night Treat, yeah. We always go for a McDonalds, and the likkle uns well love their Big Macs innit. How do I tell ickle Beyoncé here she can't have her maccy D's and has to make do with a fillet o'fish? It's political correctness gone made! I'm voting UKUNT at the next election I am"
As the Christianitification of the UK continues, even the Great British Fry Up is at risk. Greasy spoons up and down the country are down in arms¹, as the THREAT arises.
"What about my customers?" said Mr Pigg of the Belly Buster Breakkie Café in Luton, "Every day, burly bikers and tough truckers come in for the full English. They demand the Best Of British - cheap sausages, battery hen eggs, proper English bacon from Denmark, dodgy mushrooms foraged from the abandoned overgrown car lot out back. There'll be rioting in the streets is they can only have a manky kipper risotto for breakfast. Not to mention the black meat market. Bootlegged beef under the counter, and you can bet some EU beaurocrats will be lining their own pockets, spot-checking cafés and punishing providers of meat products. Friday Fish Fines - you couldn't make it up!"
And it appears that the INFILTRATION of this law is being implemented even now. Vegan shops have already embraced this Jyhad, and WITHDRAWN all meat products from their stores. Vadgetarians, on the other hand, have been practicing Fish Friday for a long time².
In an even more EXTREME move, Polish shops have been opened in areas where there is a mass influx of Polish people, resulting in them selling only Polish products to people who desire them. Christian rights groups have expressed extreme moral OUTRAGE, citing the UKUNT mantra of "coming over here and not selling British products to British people - it's offensive. I'm not racist, but they're in Britain, and should sell British products. If they want to sell Polish crap, fuck off back to Poland and flog your crap to the Polish people over there. Not here."
But David Cameron appears UNCONCERNED about the plight of the everyday Briton, and is UNABLE to stand up against the threat of Christianity and it's demands. Once more, our EMASCULATED and powerless PM accedes to Brussel's every whim and allows mental folk who believe in Slartibartfarst to run roughshod over the ordinary British man in their MAD bid to seize power.
Boris Johnson has thrown his support behind the Prime Minister. Ever a champion of Britain, the eccentric loon professed his love for Fish and Chips, adding that the battered repast was an iconic image of England, and saw no reason why all other white (and red) meat should be OUTLAWED with all possible haste, and Fish & Chips be the sole legal staple.
David Cameron was unable to be reached for comment.
¹ SO THE GREASE DOESN'T RUN UP THEIR SLEEVES
² THE DAILY FAIL IS NOT BEING CHRISTIANITYPHOBIC, HOMOPHOBIC OR RACIST - BUT FILTHY VADGETARIANS ARE DEGENERATES (DEGENERES?) WHO CONSPIRED WITH MUSLIMS TO MURDER OUR QUEEN OF TARTS DIANA SO WE COULD OPEN OUR BORDERS TO MASS IMMIGRATION TO ALLOW MURDERERS FROM OVERSEAS TO CLAIM ASYLUM SO THEY CAN RAPE OUR CHILDREN WITHOUT FEAR OF BEING DEPORTED. AND THAT'S TRUE THAT IS, BECAUSE WE MISREPRESENTED IT FROM SOMETHING WE HEARD OFF SOMEONE WHO'S MATE SAW IT ON A WEBSITE THAT WAS DISCUSSING AN ARTICLE.
