Friday 23 December 2011
Thursday 22 December 2011
Goonies never say die, Mouth says "Do it!"...
BONUS BLOG especially for Kelly Hines. Here's the Truffle Shuffle in action!
Christmas is coming and your tummy's getting fat...
So said a Pretty as I passed by her flat
"If you don't slim your belly, no girls will fancy you
And if you want to pull a bird, shave off that 'tashe too!"
Oh waily waily!
The Partaking of many an Xmas lunch and buffet with much quaffage of carbonated beverages of an inebrial nature has left me somewhat rotund about the equatorial belt of my vast frame.
Nude Year's Resolution was 600dpi (if you know what I mean, and in this case, I'm not sure even I do!)
However, New Year's resolution is to get all slim and svelte again!
Perhaps I need to begin *shudder* The Exercise* *gulp!*.
I'm trying - I mean, last night, I ran all the way from Markarth to Winterhold. You'd think that charging over terrain for hours, fending off wolves and twatbastard Ice Trolls would get me in shape! But no - even being chased round a raised dais by a dread draughr overload doesn't lighten the load about my belly!
All them expended endorphins¹, and I'm still porky!
Mind you, she may have a point on the facial follicle adornment, for last night there was a dampness in the air. And unlike a regular chin-merkin, the twiddly 'tashe (being horizontal instead of a verticality) tends to store up the dusk based dew.
Hirsute soupcatcher condensation is probably not all that appealling to them Young Womens I hear about. Tonsil tonguing saliva sharing snogifications are all the rage - but a bit of natural golden shower of ye goddes accumulating on the lip-ferret, and it's Ewwww! I'm not snogging you!
Maybe I can impress them with a new flickery finger idiosyncrasy! Stripping out the 165,000 pints of Guinness from the ends of me 'tashe² in elaborate fashion!
¹ WHAT EWOKS FIND ON THEIR FISHIES
² THIS IS TRUE, FACT FANS! AS PART OF OUR DEPARTMENTAL XMAS SOIRÉE, THERE WAS THE NOW LEGENDARY QUIZ. ONE QUESTION OF WHICH WAS 'HOW MANY PINTS OF GUINESS ARE LOST THROUGH MOUSTACHE ENTRAPMENT EVERY YEAR'. ANSWER: 165,000. JUST THINK - SOME SAD GIT WENT AROUND WRINGING OUT A YEARS WORTH OF STALE GUINNESS FROM SODDEN MOUSTACHES!
Wednesday 21 December 2011
Saturday 17 December 2011
Touch Xym up, before he pogos...
Molestation¹!
Unwarranted trouserial delvings!
It's gotta be The 'tache! I'm suddenly a veritable minge magnet!
There appears to be a dubious advantage being at the front of a gig where the fan base is gash frothing horndogs of a feminine nature, willing to get as close to their Idol as possible by any means necessary.
Adam and the Ants? Adam's Fan's Wet Pants, more like!
Anyhoo, there's me bopping at the front, when hands sidle around me waist, and a whisper in the ear "you don't mind if I press against you, there's more space here!". Next, there's bullet tips abraising my back as we sway together until, by subtle manipulation, she inveigles her way alongside, thrusting busoms in me face till I move aside.
Then I'm forgotten as she's now on the front railing.
Later, there's dodgy hands roaming about my person! Who the heck's checkin' out my ass? Better not be some burly fudgepacker mistaking me for gaybait just coz I'm at the front of an Ant gig! Now there's leg strokeage, and it's moving on up! Yikes, now they're attempting to sidle into me pocket!
I grab the hand in search of genital graspings, and there's a purr in my ear "can you let me in, I'm only little...". Phew! It's female! Squeeze slightly right, and she squeezes half in. Once again, mammarial accostage occurs. Next thing, arms are thrown around me, a cry of "you are lovely, you are! you're wonderful!", and my cheek is smothered in snoggage!
Then I'm forgotten as she's now on the front railing.
Who'd be me, eh? Trapped in front of a scantily clad Satanic Slut on stage, and having to endure being beset on all sides by rampant, horny women all lubed up over Adam Ant, grinding themselves against any physical manifestation of manflesh to frottagely alleviate their womanly passions.
Well, someone's gotta do it!
¹ DO SUBTERRAINIAN BURROWERS HAVE A RAILROAD, OTHER THAN THE TUBE?
Unwarranted trouserial delvings!
It's gotta be The 'tache! I'm suddenly a veritable minge magnet!
There appears to be a dubious advantage being at the front of a gig where the fan base is gash frothing horndogs of a feminine nature, willing to get as close to their Idol as possible by any means necessary.
Adam and the Ants? Adam's Fan's Wet Pants, more like!
Anyhoo, there's me bopping at the front, when hands sidle around me waist, and a whisper in the ear "you don't mind if I press against you, there's more space here!". Next, there's bullet tips abraising my back as we sway together until, by subtle manipulation, she inveigles her way alongside, thrusting busoms in me face till I move aside.
Then I'm forgotten as she's now on the front railing.
Later, there's dodgy hands roaming about my person! Who the heck's checkin' out my ass? Better not be some burly fudgepacker mistaking me for gaybait just coz I'm at the front of an Ant gig! Now there's leg strokeage, and it's moving on up! Yikes, now they're attempting to sidle into me pocket!
I grab the hand in search of genital graspings, and there's a purr in my ear "can you let me in, I'm only little...". Phew! It's female! Squeeze slightly right, and she squeezes half in. Once again, mammarial accostage occurs. Next thing, arms are thrown around me, a cry of "you are lovely, you are! you're wonderful!", and my cheek is smothered in snoggage!
Then I'm forgotten as she's now on the front railing.
Who'd be me, eh? Trapped in front of a scantily clad Satanic Slut on stage, and having to endure being beset on all sides by rampant, horny women all lubed up over Adam Ant, grinding themselves against any physical manifestation of manflesh to frottagely alleviate their womanly passions.
Well, someone's gotta do it!
¹ DO SUBTERRAINIAN BURROWERS HAVE A RAILROAD, OTHER THAN THE TUBE?
Friday 16 December 2011
Georgie & Jess...
Plastic Surgery
Dog Eat Dog
Beat My Guest
Kick
Cartrouble
Zerox
Ants Invasion
Deutscher Girls
Stand & Deliver
Puss In Boots
Catholic Day
Kings Of The Wild Frontier
Wonderful
Vince Taylor
Whip In My Valise
Desperate (but not serious)
Cleopatra
Never Trust A Man (with egg on his face)
Antmusic
Goody Two Shoes
Vive le Rock
Christian D'or
Lady
Fall In
*encore*
Red Scab¹
Prince Charming
Fat Fun¹
Get It On
20th Century Boy¹
(you're so) Physical
Adam Ant, Friday 16th December 2011. UEA, Norwich
¹ THESE THREE TRACKS WERE DROPPED FROM THE OFFICIAL SETLIST - PRESUMABLY FOR TIME CONSTRAINTS.
Dog Eat Dog
Beat My Guest
Kick
Cartrouble
Zerox
Ants Invasion
Deutscher Girls
Stand & Deliver
Puss In Boots
Catholic Day
Kings Of The Wild Frontier
Wonderful
Vince Taylor
Whip In My Valise
Desperate (but not serious)
Cleopatra
Never Trust A Man (with egg on his face)
Antmusic
Goody Two Shoes
Vive le Rock
Christian D'or
Lady
Fall In
*encore*
Red Scab¹
Prince Charming
Fat Fun¹
Get It On
20th Century Boy¹
(you're so) Physical
Adam Ant, Friday 16th December 2011. UEA, Norwich
¹ THESE THREE TRACKS WERE DROPPED FROM THE OFFICIAL SETLIST - PRESUMABLY FOR TIME CONSTRAINTS.
Thursday 15 December 2011
It's the end of the world and we knows it...
Next year, the world ends on 21st December 2012¹, which means...
... next years Xmas number one chart topper will the the last one EVER!
So, what's it to be? Leave our malformed mutated survivors of catastrophe with a musical legacy to linger on, or give them such an apocalyptic dirge that musical intonation is outlawed by The New Society of giant chimeran human-cockroach hybrids?
Will we go out with a bang, or a careless whisper?
Surely we don't want Simon Cowell and next year's equivalent of Little Fix with a generic bland cover?
How about another campaign to get something like Rage Against The Machine to the final top spot?
Or should be all back Ultravox's Vienna, then sneak in Joe Dolce's Shaddapa Ya Face at the last minute?
LET'S GET THIS STARTED PEOPLE!
I votes for Swede Mason's Masterchef Synesthesia (buttery biscuit base!) for Xmas No.1 2012, just before the Mayan calandar runs out, and we have to dig out the Hollyoakes Babes calander 2013 before the terrible flooding and lack of Arks.
But with the Hollyoaks Babes calendar, no lack of Norks. Preferably thems of Carmel & Jacqui McQueen!
¹ OTHER APOLOCALYPSE AND RAPTURE DATES ARE AVAILABLE
... next years Xmas number one chart topper will the the last one EVER!
So, what's it to be? Leave our malformed mutated survivors of catastrophe with a musical legacy to linger on, or give them such an apocalyptic dirge that musical intonation is outlawed by The New Society of giant chimeran human-cockroach hybrids?
Will we go out with a bang, or a careless whisper?
Surely we don't want Simon Cowell and next year's equivalent of Little Fix with a generic bland cover?
How about another campaign to get something like Rage Against The Machine to the final top spot?
Or should be all back Ultravox's Vienna, then sneak in Joe Dolce's Shaddapa Ya Face at the last minute?
LET'S GET THIS STARTED PEOPLE!
I votes for Swede Mason's Masterchef Synesthesia (buttery biscuit base!) for Xmas No.1 2012, just before the Mayan calandar runs out, and we have to dig out the Hollyoakes Babes calander 2013 before the terrible flooding and lack of Arks.
But with the Hollyoaks Babes calendar, no lack of Norks. Preferably thems of Carmel & Jacqui McQueen!
¹ OTHER APOLOCALYPSE AND RAPTURE DATES ARE AVAILABLE
Wednesday 14 December 2011
Calling, Xymternational Rescue...
Departmental Xmas parties.
Drunken, bellowing cocks, trying to ply Pretties with enough cocktails for pullover removal for norkage perusal.
Loud, offensive, obnoxious twatmeisters, embarrassing themselves and creeping out the cuties.
And there's only one Pretty in the Pub!
The Xym is not a laddy lad, and cannot relate to binge drinking gormistry, and escapes being bored to tears by tales of Tablets and cost effectiveness of launch weights of cotton T-Shirts by making the now legendary Excuses And Left.
But what's this - my pickled Poringland Pretty wants me take her up the jacksy? Oh, she wants me to take her up to the taxi! Seems the wide boys are getting uncomfortably rude, and not to be trusted.
Yet Pretties feel safe with trusty Xym and all his coolness!
It's deffo the 'tasche - gotta be!
Anyhoo, once again Chivalrous Xym is escorting sexy ladies to safety! It's not often The Xym has hotties of extreme hotness upon his arm, and most pleasing it was too!
And with the beautiful babe safely dispatched to her Other Half (naturally!), The Xym can return home having done a good deed for a sozzled sexy siren, and that makes The Xym a very happy Xym indeed!
I think I may just have to set up my own Pretties rescue service!
Gigalo, night's chariot
A taxi to get Pretties home
Gigalo, Xym's chariot
perhaps Pretties will ask him back him home!
Well, you never know - there may be a single Pretty out there with a penchant for short fat ugly gothboys with preposterous hair and a recent lack of ludicrous shades that have been replaced by an outlandish moustache.
Well, anything's possible!
Escorts, Bestcorts!
Tuesday 13 December 2011
Xym's list of exciting stuff (Dec '11)...
Dates are the best I can get - being in the UK, I aim for UK dates, but may pick up US ones accidentally. As always, let me know if you know different, or if there's something coming up I've forgot/don't know about!
Film
DVD & Blu-Ray
TV (on Freeview/Basic Virgin Media - The Xym does not have Sky)
Music
Gigs
Games
Books & Audiobooks
In Limbo or Cancelled
Recent/Past items removed:
Film
| 16 Dec 2011 | Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game Of Shadows |
| 26 Dec 2011 | The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo Remake of the Swedish original. Can Rooney Mara do a better Lisbeth Salander than Noomi Rapace? The Xym doubts it. |
| 06 Jan 2011 | The Possession |
| 13 Jan 2011 | The Darkest Hour Invisible electrical space monsters invade Moscow! |
| 27 Jan 2011 | Intruders |
| 20 Jan 2012 | Underworld: Awakening Kate Beckinsale returns as Selene in the sequel to Underworld: Evolution |
| 10 Feb 2012 | The Woman In Black starring Daniel Radcliffe |
| 22 Feb 2012 | Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance Nicolas Cage being all Elvissy again! |
| 02 Mar 2012 | Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters |
| 09 Mar 2012 | John Carter Adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Of Mars |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Hunger Games Blatant rip-off of Koushun Takami's Battle Royale, rewritten by Suzanne Collins in the style of Twilight to appeal to younger teens. Send these unimaginitive types off to an island run by Kinji Fukasaku & 'Beat' Takeshi and subject them to The Program, Say I! That programme being Takeshi's Castle. Or something. Hunger Games my best hat! |
| 27 Apr 2012 | The Avengers |
| 11 May 2012 | Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !! |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Prometheus Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. Or nothing to do with Alien whatsoever. |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Snow White & The Huntsman |
| 20 Jul 2012 | The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman |
| 16 Nov 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 2 |
| 14 Dec 2012 | Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]3: GĂ©nesis |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]4: Apocalypse |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dredd First edit of the new Judge Dredd movie has been screened, and final cut is now in progress |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Silent Hill: Revelation |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Star Trek 2 Filming begins 15 Jan 2012 |
| ?? Apr 2013 | Evil Dead Remake in progress. |
| 03 May 2013 | Iron Man 3 |
| 22 Nov 2013 | Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire |
| 15 Nov 2013 | Thor 2 |
| 13 Dec 2013 | Hobbit: There And Back Again |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Akira Remake being directed by Jaume Collet-Serra who did 'The Orphan'. Cast believed to include Gary Oldman, Keira Knightley and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !! |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Captain America 2 |
| ?? ??? 2015 | Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on |
| ?? ??? ???? | Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay |
| ?? ??? ???? | Pride & Prejudice… and Zombies |
| ?? ??? ???? | Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford |
| 09 Jan 2012 | Troll Hunter |
| 16 Jan 2012 | Legend Tom Cruise and Tim Curry |
| 23 Jan 2012 | Tomie: Unlimited |
| 30 Jan 2012 | Four Flies On Grey Velvet Rescheduled to allow more time to source better audio and work more on the prints. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | A Game Of Thrones (series 1) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Immortals |
| ?? ??? 2012 | In Time |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Whisperer In Darkness |
| ?? ??? 2012 | War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). |
| ?? ??? 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary |
| 25 Dec 2011 | Dr Who: The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe BBC1 |
| 16 Jan 2012 | Alcatraz On Fox in US :( JJ Abrams series - basically LOST set in a prison… |
| Autumn 2012 | Red Dwarf Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start) |
| ?? Apr 2012 | A Game Of Thrones (series 2) presumably on Sky Atlantic. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | American Horror Story (series 1) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dirk Gently BBC 4. Full series currently being filmed due to the success of the Pilot |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Grimm |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Sinbad New mini-series |
| ?? ??? ???? | American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman |
| ?? ??? ???? | Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK |
| ?? ??? ???? | Munsters Remake. Pilot being developed by Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller |
| ?? ??? ???? | New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Once Upon A Time |
| ?? Jan 2012 | Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy |
| 05 Mar 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Fields of the Nephilim 2CDd+DVD, 2disc vinyl or Download (download includes Last Exit from Mera Luna 2008). CD1: ΛD•ÎœÎ©RΤΣΜ (live 12 Jul 2008): 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Shine, 6 Wail Of Sumer, 7 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 8 Trees Come Down, 9 Psychonaut CD2: ΛD•VфΤΛΜ (live 13 Jul 2008): 1 Intro (Harmonica Man), 2 Preacher Man, 3 Moonchild, 4 Requiem, 5 Xiberia, 6 Zoon pt3 (Wakeworld), 7 Mourning Sun, 8 Celebrate DVD: 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Wail Of Sumer, 6 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 7 Trees Come Down, 8 Moonchild, 9 Psychonaut, 10 Mourning Sun |
| ?? ??? 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set Fields of the Nephilim - available on a first come first served basis exclusively from the official website. Content TBA. |
| 04 Jun 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-interpretation of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. Richard Burton being replaced by Liam Neeson |
| 16 Dec 2011 | Adam Ant Norwich UEA |
| 23 Dec 2011 | Liqueur: A tribute to The Cure Norwich WhatACunt |
| 06 Mar 2012 | Killing Joke Norwich WhatACunt |
| 27 Jan 2012 | Silent Hill: HD Collection remastered editions of Silent Hill 2 & 3 |
| 07 Feb 2012 | Resident Evil: Revelations 3Ds |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Silent Hill: Downpour |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Resident Evil: Racoon City |
| 25 Mar 2012 | Animal Crossing 3Ds |
| 27 Jan 2012 | The Annotated Sandman Vol.1 |
| 29 Feb 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #1 (audiobook) 1. The Turning Test, 2. Solitary, 3. Counterfeit. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Michael Keating reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Vila Restal |
| ?? May 2012 | New Blake's 7 Novels |
| ?? Aug 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 (audiobook) 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally |
| 06 Sep 2012 | The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert |
| ?? ??? 2012 | e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Harry Potter (eBooks) Rowling, JK. Available via Pottermore. Delayed from October 2011. |
| IN LIMBO | At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro. |
| IN LIMBO | Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick |
| IN LIMBO | Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski |
| IN LIMBO | Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding. |
| IN LIMBO | Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time" |
| IN LIMBO | Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months |
| IN LIMBO | Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director |
| IN LIMBO | Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down. |
| IN LIMBO | Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months. |
| IN LIMBO | Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America. |
| IN LIMBO | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes |
| 02 Dec 2011 | The Thing |
| 02 Dec 2011 | Harry Potter & The Deathly Hallows pt 2 |
| 04 Dec 2011 | Charlie Brooker's Black Mirror Channel 4 - 3 part anthology series |
| 04 Dec 2011 | Adam Ant Cambridge Corn Exchange |
| 05 Dec 2011 | Captain America |
| 05 Dec 2011 | Lioness: Hidden Treasures Amy Winehouse |
| CANCELLED | Locke & Key |
| CANCELLED | Shooting Stars (no more Vic & Bob!) |
Sunday 11 December 2011
Norks at the Talk...
Preposterously hatted with twiddly 'tasche and cog-based monacleture, The Xym squeezed into his waistcoat for a night steampunk based burlesque!
Off to a good start with hot Pretties taking tickets!
Oooh, a lechers paradise within, with many a minxy maiden without many clothes!
Except for Hulk Hogan in his salmon pink dress.
Or Buffalo Bill in his tutu.
*shudders at the memories*
*gets side tracked thinking of udders at the mammaries, bejeweled with tiny cog wardrobe malfunctioning tasslement*
*tears himself away from such pleasing thoughts to return to documenting the evenings escapades. Mmmmmmm... escalopes...*
And luckily The Xym, who's reputation doth precede him, hath already been reserved a seat by the Green Fairy - table front & centre for optimum oglement!
Alas, there is the preamble of a couple of colony colonels of the Empire engaging in unimaginative euphamisms. And sitting about a lot. Doing nothing. For a loooooong time.
"Bring on the dancing girls" demandeth The Xym! "Dancing girls! Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink! Dancing girls (no nuns)!"
And dancing girls we got!
Exotic harem based dancifications!
Fire eating femme fatales!
Obligatory burly burlesque fat bird trying to strip sexily!
More fire eating lovelies reminiscent of Poison Ivy!
And breaktime, followed by fabulous Professor Elemental, and Pretties being molested by a monkey. Or spanking a monkey. Or something.
More hot hotties heated by a conflagration on a stick!
Nasal nose insertion (where The Xym is gifted with nailage encrusted in the mucus of Pretty ladies).
More fire based frolics - and ankle grinders! Groinal sparky spurtage all over the stage!
And interlude of perving at Pretties shaking their various attributes like them there polaroid pictures, only to be dragged from diseased daydreams of deviant depravity to lumber about amongst them in imitation of some form of dance stylee.
And then... PRIZES, where exceptionally hot Pretties in HUGE skirtage are denied the title they should surely have won! Outright outrage!
And then further dancifications with electric tealight tophattery, followed by an ejection to the burger bar, where The Xym steamed in the shivering cold, supplying ample heat from his ample frame (fuelled internally by superheated burger) to defrost Ye Ice Maidens and douse them the sweet stench of sweaty fat bloke!
A most excellent night indeed!
Achtung! (bless you!)
Off to a good start with hot Pretties taking tickets!
Oooh, a lechers paradise within, with many a minxy maiden without many clothes!
Except for Hulk Hogan in his salmon pink dress.
Or Buffalo Bill in his tutu.
*shudders at the memories*
*gets side tracked thinking of udders at the mammaries, bejeweled with tiny cog wardrobe malfunctioning tasslement*
*tears himself away from such pleasing thoughts to return to documenting the evenings escapades. Mmmmmmm... escalopes...*
And luckily The Xym, who's reputation doth precede him, hath already been reserved a seat by the Green Fairy - table front & centre for optimum oglement!
Alas, there is the preamble of a couple of colony colonels of the Empire engaging in unimaginative euphamisms. And sitting about a lot. Doing nothing. For a loooooong time.
"Bring on the dancing girls" demandeth The Xym! "Dancing girls! Feck! Arse! Girls! Drink! Dancing girls (no nuns)!"
And dancing girls we got!
Exotic harem based dancifications!
Fire eating femme fatales!
Obligatory burly burlesque fat bird trying to strip sexily!
More fire eating lovelies reminiscent of Poison Ivy!
And breaktime, followed by fabulous Professor Elemental, and Pretties being molested by a monkey. Or spanking a monkey. Or something.
More hot hotties heated by a conflagration on a stick!
Nasal nose insertion (where The Xym is gifted with nailage encrusted in the mucus of Pretty ladies).
More fire based frolics - and ankle grinders! Groinal sparky spurtage all over the stage!
And interlude of perving at Pretties shaking their various attributes like them there polaroid pictures, only to be dragged from diseased daydreams of deviant depravity to lumber about amongst them in imitation of some form of dance stylee.
And then... PRIZES, where exceptionally hot Pretties in HUGE skirtage are denied the title they should surely have won! Outright outrage!
And then further dancifications with electric tealight tophattery, followed by an ejection to the burger bar, where The Xym steamed in the shivering cold, supplying ample heat from his ample frame (fuelled internally by superheated burger) to defrost Ye Ice Maidens and douse them the sweet stench of sweaty fat bloke!
A most excellent night indeed!
Achtung! (bless you!)
Friday 9 December 2011
Thursday 8 December 2011
Love in an elevator, unliving it up...
Near...
Far...
Not wearing a bra...
It was not so long ago that there was the Office Scandal of the Mystery Pisser In The Lift before she was caught.
Today, it's not the pleasures of golden showering in the lifts - it's rampant sexual shaggery by skellingtons!
Lunchymunchy time, and after purchasing provisions as an excuse to perve at my polish Pretty (and profferer of provender), I returned to the lift to go back to my desk.
There, at head height, was a solitary greasy handprint!
Now, normally, it's awash with greasy splodge where those unwashed of coiffure lean back, smearing their follicle filth all over the mirror's surface. But today was freshly polished, and a single handprint remained.
Aha! Titanic! Kate Winslett types stopping the lift and getting rogered by below-stairs DiCaprio style urchins, slapping the glass like it's a steamy window on a carriage in the hold!
Not only that, the print was somewhat boney. Bereft of flesh around the fingers. The skeletal pawprint of limb-end leprosy sloughed off of skin.
I know we employ some braindead zombies here, but reanimating skeletal corpses of rakish nymphomaniacs? (although if the loa Mademoiselle Charlotte is inhabiting the earthly host of THAT Charlotte [especially in her short skirted fairy outfit], I wouldn't mind getting helping her get some handprints all over that mirror'd wall!)
Still, equal opportunities for the living and the undead. That's diversity for you.
Although I can't really see a group of Mictantecutli based shambling voodoo-risen servants of Sacha Baron La Croix-Cohen performing their hi-octane dance moves all decomposery like. Doing a backflip and their fingers dropping off into the little 'uns great big hair.
Unless they're recreating Michael Jackson's Thriller, with special guest appearance by a Living Dead MJ because Papa Legba bought tickets for the O2 and never got to see the This Is It tour (Maîtresse Délai on tambourine with Maîtresse Hounon'gon on backing vocal and occasional follicle flambé on the MJ's bonce).
Probably.
Wednesday 7 December 2011
Tiramisu, it's a dessert in the rain...
...which explains why it's so soggy!
Anyhew, Tracey Thorn may be happy with her coffee based creamy treat from the Co-Op or Iceland, but not dumped old gits.
On Sunday, I was in Cambridge, and partook of a Wetherspoons Xmas lunch. Nom-nom-Nom I hear you cry!
Well, they had desserts for £2 (or £3.20 of you went for a normal non-offer meal). Xmas pud and custard - hey Nommy-nom I hear you cry (except them freaks what don't like Xmas pud).
Obviously a tasty inexpensive treat is not enough to sate the appetite when you've been been dumped after three years, so the only pick me up you need is Chocolate Pudding with edible gold & strawberry champagne caviar.
All for a mere £22,000!
That's 1,100,000% more than I paid for me pud!
So what's so special about austerity afters? Well, first of all, it's shaped like a Fabergé egg. It's layers of champage jelly, light biscuit joconde, slathered in bitter dark chocolate with some gold leaf stuck on.
Oh, and instead of a cherry, it's got a diamond on top.
So basically, you're not paying for an expensive dessert, you're buying a diamond with dessert attachment!
Ans as for 'joconde' as it's just a word the chef made up to make it sound poncey enough to charge more for.
"I am making a cheesecake. I need to crack on with the biscuit base"
"How much you charging?"
"Oh, £2.50 a slice"
"Is that all? Tell you what, forget the base - use a biscuit joconde instead!"
"What the feck is a joconde"
"No-one knows - Just say it's a light mousse de fromage avec champignon lovingly spooned over a biscuit joconde and charge £2,500 a slice!"
"Isn't champignon mushrooms?""
"Well, most gormster gourmets will think champignon is champagne, and for them who know it's mushrooms, we'll pretend it's a 'twist' on a quiche!"
"But I don't like joconde. I like....
...
Anyhew, Tracey Thorn may be happy with her coffee based creamy treat from the Co-Op or Iceland, but not dumped old gits.
On Sunday, I was in Cambridge, and partook of a Wetherspoons Xmas lunch. Nom-nom-Nom I hear you cry!
Well, they had desserts for £2 (or £3.20 of you went for a normal non-offer meal). Xmas pud and custard - hey Nommy-nom I hear you cry (except them freaks what don't like Xmas pud).
Obviously a tasty inexpensive treat is not enough to sate the appetite when you've been been dumped after three years, so the only pick me up you need is Chocolate Pudding with edible gold & strawberry champagne caviar.
All for a mere £22,000!
That's 1,100,000% more than I paid for me pud!
So what's so special about austerity afters? Well, first of all, it's shaped like a Fabergé egg. It's layers of champage jelly, light biscuit joconde, slathered in bitter dark chocolate with some gold leaf stuck on.
Oh, and instead of a cherry, it's got a diamond on top.
So basically, you're not paying for an expensive dessert, you're buying a diamond with dessert attachment!
Ans as for 'joconde' as it's just a word the chef made up to make it sound poncey enough to charge more for.
"I am making a cheesecake. I need to crack on with the biscuit base"
"How much you charging?"
"Oh, £2.50 a slice"
"Is that all? Tell you what, forget the base - use a biscuit joconde instead!"
"What the feck is a joconde"
"No-one knows - Just say it's a light mousse de fromage avec champignon lovingly spooned over a biscuit joconde and charge £2,500 a slice!"
"Isn't champignon mushrooms?""
"Well, most gormster gourmets will think champignon is champagne, and for them who know it's mushrooms, we'll pretend it's a 'twist' on a quiche!"
"But I don't like joconde. I like....
...
...base base base base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the base base biscuit base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the base,
I like the buttery base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the buttery base, I like the buttery base
B-b-base base base base
Base knowledge!
Crunchy base
Nutty base
I like the buttery biscuit base
Acid base
Smack around the face
I like the buttery biscuit base
Hard base
soft base,
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the buttery base
I like the buttery base
But it needs more oomph!
That base
That base
That base - oopmh!
That toasty nutty base
That biscuit base base,
That base base
That toasty base
That base
That rubbery base
slimy base
That base base base base
Base underneath
That base, that base
That toasty nutty base
I like the base base base base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the base base biscuit base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the base
I like the buttery base
I like the buttery biscuit base
I like the buttery base
I like the buttery base
I like the buttery biscuit base
But but it
but but but but but but it but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
But but it
but but but but but but it but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but but
but it needs to be a little bit deeper!
And then
Bang!
In comes the wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble base
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble
Aah
Wobble wobble wobble wobble wobble
It overpowers everything
That base base
that base base
That toasty nutty base
That base base
That base base
That toasty base
That base
Crunchy
Meaty
Jammy
Spongy
Gooey
Nutty
Rubbery
Greasy
Slimy
Toasty
Sticky
Hard
Buttery biscuit base!
Oomph!"
Tuesday 6 December 2011
Ooops, Xym did it again...
You know them people.
You know, THEM?
Them what go to a barn door, open it wide, walk in, leave it wide open, then invite you in?
Then complain to the Farmer to berate you for coming in, whilst the Farmer's Wife is giving Johnny Rotten a bit of crumpet?
Them Bastards?
Them's who happen to be the Norman Bates Cyclepaths that previously stalked you and think that now I has V For Vendetta facial adornment that I am ripe for Adam Sutler persecution again?
Well, they're at it again.
Bursting into tears at having laid their own trap, fallen in it, and then having it pointed out.
Some people really need to get a life.
Or a sense of humour.
You know, THEM?
Them what go to a barn door, open it wide, walk in, leave it wide open, then invite you in?
Then complain to the Farmer to berate you for coming in, whilst the Farmer's Wife is giving Johnny Rotten a bit of crumpet?
Them Bastards?
Them's who happen to be the Norman Bates Cyclepaths that previously stalked you and think that now I has V For Vendetta facial adornment that I am ripe for Adam Sutler persecution again?
Well, they're at it again.
Bursting into tears at having laid their own trap, fallen in it, and then having it pointed out.
Some people really need to get a life.
Or a sense of humour.
Monday 5 December 2011
There's none so blind as Xym that cannot see...
Now, there's many a Pretty of my acquaintance who cannot believe that The Xym is single. Why, they say, he's so funny, really sexy, a fabulous friend and a top dancer of the height of cool.
Naturally, The Xym laughs in the face of these preposterous claims, for they cannot see the irony of such claims, when they are unwilling to absolve me of my singularity of status themselves! I'm a short fat unpopular gothboy - I'm no hunky Adonis stud muffin!
Mmmm... Sainsbury's triple berry muffins.... (and not Georgie Girl's muffin top - that belt and a bare midriff... not a good look. Especially now I know where she's been, as I'll come to later).
Anyhoo, was The Xym in a situation where he was being pulled by hot maidens out on the prowl down The Whatacunt on Sat, and he didn't even twig?
Traversing through to The Smoking Area (despite not being a taker of tobacco, mah crew were all of a gatherance there. I may need to take up The Snuff to legitimately use the area for it's intended purpose), I was accousted by a pack of pissed Pretties returning to the Dance Hall.
"Ooooh" quoth a sexy siren, "I love the facial furniture!"
And she reached up and gave my 'tashe at twiddle on the ends, and then put forth the following statement:
"It must be great to wake up to that in the morning!"
To which I replied "Oh yes!", assuming she meant seeing the spectacular lip ferret and brazillian chin set me up for the day when I sees myself in the mirror.
And with that, me and the pussy posse parted paths.
Now, come Sunday morn, driving over to Cambridge and re-telling the tale of my impressive moustachious being again admired, others point out that maybe she was hinting at something else. Slowly, it begins to dawn on the dullard Xym that perhaps a certain young lady was coyling hinting that it was SHE who would like to wake up to that in the morning.
Surely not - Pretties find The Xym to be somewhat creepy - something far removed from alluring. UNLESS, of course, a comical facial musketeer merkin overides a Pretties natural aversion to short fat troll-like gothboys with preposterous hair (even without ludicrous shades, which appear to have taken a vacation from outings on The Xym's visage)
Could it be that The Xymn could've pulled?
Nah. Stick. Grabbed. Wrong end. After being dropped in poo.
After all, it came somewhat crashing home at the Adam Ant gig, when support band Georgie Girl And Her Poussez Posse¹ once again sang their GP checkup based ballad "When was the last time you had sex?"². And thus my Antpals turneth to The Xym and ask "So, when WAS the last time you had sex?"
To which I sadly had to reply that it was so long ago, I can't even remember. I think you'd have to get Tony Robinson in, and even then his cornish twat-in-the-hat would only turn up bits of pottery and stone wall.
On the plus side, there were adverts in Cambridge for Britney Spears Circus Fantasy. Well, if she's offering, I'm not adverse to dressing up as My Jelly and ravishing her whilst using an Anne Summers specialist hand 'attachment' up the trapeze as big cocked elephants bum the jugglers. Or something.
¹ AS IT'S CHRISTMAS, CAN I HAVE A JESSICA-THE-DRUMMER PLEASE SANTA. I'LL PUT OUT A KFC BUCKET AND A SIX-PACK OF SPECIAL BREW INSTEAD OF A CRAPARSE MINCE PIE AND CHEAP SHERRY³.
² AND WE ALL KNOW THE LAST TIME SHE HAD SEX! FOR GEORGIE GIRL TURNS OUT TO BE THAT GEORGINA. THE SATANIC SLUT HELLCHILD OF LUCIFER AND MANUEL OUT OF FAWLTY TOWERS, FAMOUS FOR LAST HAVING SEX WITH JONATHAN WOSS AND RUSSELL BRAND ON A PILE OF RADIOS AND ANSAPHONES. OR SOMETHING. AND NOW SHE'S ADAM'S "FLATMATE". YEAH - SATANIC SLUT FLAT(ON-HER-BACK-LEGZ-AKIMBO)MATE, MORE LIKELY, THE JAMMY SOD!
³ UNLESS YOU WANT THE CORRIE SLAG HEWSON FOR YOUR SATYRESQUE SATURNALIAN SEXUAL SHENNAIGANS UNDER THEMISTLECAMELTOE.
Naturally, The Xym laughs in the face of these preposterous claims, for they cannot see the irony of such claims, when they are unwilling to absolve me of my singularity of status themselves! I'm a short fat unpopular gothboy - I'm no hunky Adonis stud muffin!
Mmmm... Sainsbury's triple berry muffins.... (and not Georgie Girl's muffin top - that belt and a bare midriff... not a good look. Especially now I know where she's been, as I'll come to later).
Anyhoo, was The Xym in a situation where he was being pulled by hot maidens out on the prowl down The Whatacunt on Sat, and he didn't even twig?
Traversing through to The Smoking Area (despite not being a taker of tobacco, mah crew were all of a gatherance there. I may need to take up The Snuff to legitimately use the area for it's intended purpose), I was accousted by a pack of pissed Pretties returning to the Dance Hall.
"Ooooh" quoth a sexy siren, "I love the facial furniture!"
And she reached up and gave my 'tashe at twiddle on the ends, and then put forth the following statement:
"It must be great to wake up to that in the morning!"
To which I replied "Oh yes!", assuming she meant seeing the spectacular lip ferret and brazillian chin set me up for the day when I sees myself in the mirror.
And with that, me and the pussy posse parted paths.
Now, come Sunday morn, driving over to Cambridge and re-telling the tale of my impressive moustachious being again admired, others point out that maybe she was hinting at something else. Slowly, it begins to dawn on the dullard Xym that perhaps a certain young lady was coyling hinting that it was SHE who would like to wake up to that in the morning.
Surely not - Pretties find The Xym to be somewhat creepy - something far removed from alluring. UNLESS, of course, a comical facial musketeer merkin overides a Pretties natural aversion to short fat troll-like gothboys with preposterous hair (even without ludicrous shades, which appear to have taken a vacation from outings on The Xym's visage)
Could it be that The Xymn could've pulled?
Nah. Stick. Grabbed. Wrong end. After being dropped in poo.
After all, it came somewhat crashing home at the Adam Ant gig, when support band Georgie Girl And Her Poussez Posse¹ once again sang their GP checkup based ballad "When was the last time you had sex?"². And thus my Antpals turneth to The Xym and ask "So, when WAS the last time you had sex?"
To which I sadly had to reply that it was so long ago, I can't even remember. I think you'd have to get Tony Robinson in, and even then his cornish twat-in-the-hat would only turn up bits of pottery and stone wall.
On the plus side, there were adverts in Cambridge for Britney Spears Circus Fantasy. Well, if she's offering, I'm not adverse to dressing up as My Jelly and ravishing her whilst using an Anne Summers specialist hand 'attachment' up the trapeze as big cocked elephants bum the jugglers. Or something.
¹ AS IT'S CHRISTMAS, CAN I HAVE A JESSICA-THE-DRUMMER PLEASE SANTA. I'LL PUT OUT A KFC BUCKET AND A SIX-PACK OF SPECIAL BREW INSTEAD OF A CRAPARSE MINCE PIE AND CHEAP SHERRY³.
² AND WE ALL KNOW THE LAST TIME SHE HAD SEX! FOR GEORGIE GIRL TURNS OUT TO BE THAT GEORGINA. THE SATANIC SLUT HELLCHILD OF LUCIFER AND MANUEL OUT OF FAWLTY TOWERS, FAMOUS FOR LAST HAVING SEX WITH JONATHAN WOSS AND RUSSELL BRAND ON A PILE OF RADIOS AND ANSAPHONES. OR SOMETHING. AND NOW SHE'S ADAM'S "FLATMATE". YEAH - SATANIC SLUT FLAT(ON-HER-BACK-LEGZ-AKIMBO)MATE, MORE LIKELY, THE JAMMY SOD!
³ UNLESS YOU WANT THE CORRIE SLAG HEWSON FOR YOUR SATYRESQUE SATURNALIAN SEXUAL SHENNAIGANS UNDER THE
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