You may recall my return to blogging with a post on the nature of dear little white haired old grandmothers guzzling garbaged felines.
Now, there was much furore over this event. But everyone seems strangely silent on previous matters of such abuse! Where were these complainants when Hannah Barbara dumped Top Cat in a bin and filmed it in homage to Sgt Bilko?
Once again, it's mob rule for miserable old pussy hatin' harridans, and another for beloved animated classics.
It's about time we took Big Bird to task as well, for keeping Oscar The Grouch imprisioned in the Open Sesame Street Garbage bins. Although, to be fair, he isn't starved or degydrated, due to Cookie Monster feeding him biscuits, and Snuffleupagus hosing him down with water from his mammoth trunk. Nor is he a cat. But don't Muppets deserve dignity too?
Free the fun-furred one, says I, and de-feather Big Bird and serve him up to Bert and Ernie for tea.
Tuesday 31 August 2010
Monday 30 August 2010
Your Tauntaun will freeze before you reach the first marker...
Her mammary lives on.
After marrying Juan "Shit Does Plenty", Ryvita was supported by "desk cam is a dos" (presumably the pre-Windows based operating system with table based soul capturing machinery).
This 1950s "Steampunk" webcammery was operated by so-called "Shirtless ones", shirtless due to the hot Argentine weather (or, more likely, for norkal perusal for certain Credit Card Payments over their steamy punk websites).
A tradition which still holds firm today (especially by the peruser).
So, in modern times, imprisioned topless tealeafs breaks out of a maxumin security prision. Now, if this was Hamble, Faeces, Be a Maracas and "Dandy Lion" Burdock, they would have embarked on mercenary escapades whilst fleeing The Colonels (Mouthdream, James Corden and Single Father).
But not these chaps.
They evaded justice by the hollowing out of Shorn and Timmy, donning their fleecey suits and blending in with Ovis Aries* and living among the Artiodactyla so successfully that they fool even the most experenced practisers of "Sheep Husbandry" in their wellies at night.
Jason and his Argos Night became quite successful. But then, he was greek, so that kind of thing is right up their back alley.
"Hey Dolly! You sure got a purty mouth. Sque... um... Baa, Sheepy! Don't cry for me, Argy Bargy! Cry fo' yo' sore ass"
Still, at least we gave them Argies what for. Maggie Thatcher (MILF's Snatch Hair) duffed 'em up and we got back the Peter Falk Lands. Hoorah! Columbo for all!
Or Cobumbo, for those encased in muttonflesh, away from the prying eyes of justice.
* 'E WERE A GRAND BAKER, OUR DAD. WHOLEMEAL LAMB SANDWICHES, OFTEN WITH DISGUISED LONG PIG.
After marrying Juan "Shit Does Plenty", Ryvita was supported by "desk cam is a dos" (presumably the pre-Windows based operating system with table based soul capturing machinery).
This 1950s "Steampunk" webcammery was operated by so-called "Shirtless ones", shirtless due to the hot Argentine weather (or, more likely, for norkal perusal for certain Credit Card Payments over their steamy punk websites).
A tradition which still holds firm today (especially by the peruser).
So, in modern times, imprisioned topless tealeafs breaks out of a maxumin security prision. Now, if this was Hamble, Faeces, Be a Maracas and "Dandy Lion" Burdock, they would have embarked on mercenary escapades whilst fleeing The Colonels (Mouthdream, James Corden and Single Father).
But not these chaps.
They evaded justice by the hollowing out of Shorn and Timmy, donning their fleecey suits and blending in with Ovis Aries* and living among the Artiodactyla so successfully that they fool even the most experenced practisers of "Sheep Husbandry" in their wellies at night.
Jason and his Argos Night became quite successful. But then, he was greek, so that kind of thing is right up their back alley.
"Hey Dolly! You sure got a purty mouth. Sque... um... Baa, Sheepy! Don't cry for me, Argy Bargy! Cry fo' yo' sore ass"
Still, at least we gave them Argies what for. Maggie Thatcher (MILF's Snatch Hair) duffed 'em up and we got back the Peter Falk Lands. Hoorah! Columbo for all!
Or Cobumbo, for those encased in muttonflesh, away from the prying eyes of justice.
* 'E WERE A GRAND BAKER, OUR DAD. WHOLEMEAL LAMB SANDWICHES, OFTEN WITH DISGUISED LONG PIG.
Sunday 29 August 2010
Bob Marley and the Oneiromancers...
OK, so he claimed that in the future, it would be all metal in the last human city - but he clearly got one thing wrong.
His ganja filled future fugue featured Aslan.
In fact, the only aminals appear to be humans (and even in the tabletured XL spreadsheet, there are only great fat pigeons and crows).
These rastamen should desist from mashing-up Christian Indoctrination Material and Squidward Worldwide Domination....
UNLESS...
He's confusing Ripleyesque exoskellingtons with Savannah hunting Predators.
Which would explain his dreads at least!
His ganja filled future fugue featured Aslan.
In fact, the only aminals appear to be humans (and even in the tabletured XL spreadsheet, there are only great fat pigeons and crows).
These rastamen should desist from mashing-up Christian Indoctrination Material and Squidward Worldwide Domination....
UNLESS...
He's confusing Ripleyesque exoskellingtons with Savannah hunting Predators.
Which would explain his dreads at least!
Saturday 28 August 2010
Affair weld two arms....
Post "Workshed"!
No-one is laughing now, for BOTH appendages are required to operate groovy deforestation equipment.
Which is a bit of a moot point anyhoo, as palm feastage by deceased GFs resulting in much cranial crockery crashing has a rather more urgent timeline when you have to wait for a 3-5 hour chargement.
But you DO get 40 mins of total bodily dismemberment to lay about the foliage with...
...alas, 40mins is insufficient topiary time, and I'm left with a partially trimmed front bush.
Let's just hope that the remaining tendrils of terror don't rise up in rapey revenge - I don't fancy coming home to find that passing ladies have been ensnared by vag seeking vines and are all entwined in the shrubbery with the grapevine gropeage whilst whipping wisteria branches beat their bare bots.
Ooooh! My very own ladygarden 13! I'll have to dig a slight hole for 'em to drop into at the end of their Ride For A Ride...
No-one is laughing now, for BOTH appendages are required to operate groovy deforestation equipment.
Which is a bit of a moot point anyhoo, as palm feastage by deceased GFs resulting in much cranial crockery crashing has a rather more urgent timeline when you have to wait for a 3-5 hour chargement.
But you DO get 40 mins of total bodily dismemberment to lay about the foliage with...
...alas, 40mins is insufficient topiary time, and I'm left with a partially trimmed front bush.
Let's just hope that the remaining tendrils of terror don't rise up in rapey revenge - I don't fancy coming home to find that passing ladies have been ensnared by vag seeking vines and are all entwined in the shrubbery with the grapevine gropeage whilst whipping wisteria branches beat their bare bots.
Ooooh! My very own ladygarden 13! I'll have to dig a slight hole for 'em to drop into at the end of their Ride For A Ride...
Friday 27 August 2010
Laugh it up fuzzball - you got a paternity suit...
Those all important DNA results, coming up later in the show, but first...
You may recall my guests from previous shows "Star Whores" and "LabiaBint", when a young Ewok "Wicket Junior" revealed that his mother had been "taking Boba Fett's helmet deep into the Sarlac pit" with both a Wookie and a denizen of The Labyrinth that surrounds the Gobbling City.
Chewbacca refused to appear on the show, and sent a note with Han Solo denying he was the father, saying simply "arrrrrrrrrrrr".
Ludo hinted that he could be the father, answering every one of my questions with "Jeremy, friend! Ewok, friend! Sarah, friend! Ludo... get... brother?"
King Jareth pointed out that the child had no horns, unlike Ludo. Therefore it must the son of a wookie.
Han retorted by saying that Jareth had removed the horns and was flogging them on the ivory market. He further accused Jareth of being a paedophile who kidnapped babbies and lured 16yr old babysitters to his castle so that he wear extremely tight tights at them, enhancing his little red courgette whilst rolling his balls over his hands.
The show was stopped when the brawl began (it is believed Han threw the first punch, the sneak, but it's unclear from the footage. George Lucas will re-edit the show later for clarification).
Anyhow, after all that, both parties agreed to the DNA test. Hopefully, we can set this young childs mind at rest, and reveal who her father truly is. I truthfully do not know - I can't tell if she's a dog or a cat, or if dat's a cog.
Let's meet her, a very brave lady, welcome Wicket Junior to the show!
You may recall my guests from previous shows "Star Whores" and "LabiaBint", when a young Ewok "Wicket Junior" revealed that his mother had been "taking Boba Fett's helmet deep into the Sarlac pit" with both a Wookie and a denizen of The Labyrinth that surrounds the Gobbling City.
Chewbacca refused to appear on the show, and sent a note with Han Solo denying he was the father, saying simply "arrrrrrrrrrrr".
Ludo hinted that he could be the father, answering every one of my questions with "Jeremy, friend! Ewok, friend! Sarah, friend! Ludo... get... brother?"
King Jareth pointed out that the child had no horns, unlike Ludo. Therefore it must the son of a wookie.
Han retorted by saying that Jareth had removed the horns and was flogging them on the ivory market. He further accused Jareth of being a paedophile who kidnapped babbies and lured 16yr old babysitters to his castle so that he wear extremely tight tights at them, enhancing his little red courgette whilst rolling his balls over his hands.
The show was stopped when the brawl began (it is believed Han threw the first punch, the sneak, but it's unclear from the footage. George Lucas will re-edit the show later for clarification).
Anyhow, after all that, both parties agreed to the DNA test. Hopefully, we can set this young childs mind at rest, and reveal who her father truly is. I truthfully do not know - I can't tell if she's a dog or a cat, or if dat's a cog.
Let's meet her, a very brave lady, welcome Wicket Junior to the show!
Thursday 26 August 2010
The City WILL rise again when the starfishs are right...
Clearly the End Times have come!
I first had an inkling that certain cyclopean slumbers were being awakened by the prodding of celestial partners disturbed by the Snoring of the Sleeper during that planetary kicky sphere trophy tournament.
There was much reportage of the aquatic Nostradamus of the sea* and how it's psychic call was lining the pockets of Cthonic cultists with it's competitive predictiveness, as well as sending people insane.
(Although it made no difference to unimaginative potato-faced 'sportsmen', who are as thick as porcine excrement, and are all too willing to follow the instructions of the Elder Gods. Especially if cult rituals involves roasting a ceremonial virgin or two)
I believe that the Miskatonic University tried to aquire it, with a view to silencing the cephalapodic threat and indoctrination of gullible types into dancing about in their bare scuddies atop a moonlit mountain with spaghetti dangling out the gob to represent a tentacular facial eidolon of their Lord and Master.
But them Brussels Sprouts stepped in claiming aminal rights, and they weren't even allowed to lob it into a wheelie bin so the lid could prevent it's telepathic terror haunting the psyche of local folk. Instead, it's now in a zoo, pervading the dreams of all who view it, and swelling the intake at Oakdeene.
Anyhoo, there is now further proof that "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange æons even death may die.".
The Invasion of the Killer Calamari from Beyond The Deep!!!
Roused by The Call Of Paul, his kraken cousins have been driven from the deep and dining on divers discovering Dagon's dwelling.
Bloody coalition government and their austerity measures - too expensive to interstellar star-spawn invoking Cthulhu to rule over his minions and enslaving mankind for much feasting upon. So make a cheapo Channel Five documentary to "make people aware" so that their "Big Society" can find some volunteers to save mankind without costing the government a penny!
Humbug? Humbolt, if you ask me!
*AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
PREDICTS A WIN FOR GER-MAN-EE
TEE HEE HEE HEE
- FROM CAP'N FUCKING TWATARSE OF THE SUNKEN WRECK OF JAILBAIT REEF
I first had an inkling that certain cyclopean slumbers were being awakened by the prodding of celestial partners disturbed by the Snoring of the Sleeper during that planetary kicky sphere trophy tournament.
There was much reportage of the aquatic Nostradamus of the sea* and how it's psychic call was lining the pockets of Cthonic cultists with it's competitive predictiveness, as well as sending people insane.
(Although it made no difference to unimaginative potato-faced 'sportsmen', who are as thick as porcine excrement, and are all too willing to follow the instructions of the Elder Gods. Especially if cult rituals involves roasting a ceremonial virgin or two)
I believe that the Miskatonic University tried to aquire it, with a view to silencing the cephalapodic threat and indoctrination of gullible types into dancing about in their bare scuddies atop a moonlit mountain with spaghetti dangling out the gob to represent a tentacular facial eidolon of their Lord and Master.
But them Brussels Sprouts stepped in claiming aminal rights, and they weren't even allowed to lob it into a wheelie bin so the lid could prevent it's telepathic terror haunting the psyche of local folk. Instead, it's now in a zoo, pervading the dreams of all who view it, and swelling the intake at Oakdeene.
Anyhoo, there is now further proof that "That is not dead which can eternal lie, and with strange æons even death may die.".
The Invasion of the Killer Calamari from Beyond The Deep!!!
Roused by The Call Of Paul, his kraken cousins have been driven from the deep and dining on divers discovering Dagon's dwelling.
Bloody coalition government and their austerity measures - too expensive to interstellar star-spawn invoking Cthulhu to rule over his minions and enslaving mankind for much feasting upon. So make a cheapo Channel Five documentary to "make people aware" so that their "Big Society" can find some volunteers to save mankind without costing the government a penny!
Humbug? Humbolt, if you ask me!
*AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
AQUATIC NOSTRADAMUS OF THE SEA
PREDICTS A WIN FOR GER-MAN-EE
TEE HEE HEE HEE
- FROM CAP'N FUCKING TWATARSE OF THE SUNKEN WRECK OF JAILBAIT REEF
Wednesday 25 August 2010
It's 6 o'clock - half of Cyberdyne's online...
So...
The people have voted.
In the future, the BT Broadband Home Hub becomes the English equivalent of Skynet.
The Resistance send back Kyle Reese to impregnate Jane whist Adam is "working away" on his "new job"*
Meanwhile, an Arnie style BT (British Terminator) is also sent back, with a mission to kill the Jane's unborn brood.
However, faced with the lack of phone booths with phone books, he has to rely on the moustachio'd sportsmen of 118 to get Sarah-Jane Connors home address.
Still, at least as part of my BT package, they'll be installing a trans-dimensional portal to supply me with my very own unholstered Cameron Terminator/Slave. Epic WIN!
* CHECKING OUT KEYBOARD CAT PORN - BUT NOT ON HIS STAG NIGHT COZ JANE WILL KILL HIM. NAH - GET THE PORN ON THE GO. IT'S A STAG! "WE'RE SUPER MAGIC MEN, WE STAY UP TILL 5AM. ALTHOUGH WE'RE BOUND BY SHAMEN LORE, WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR!"
The people have voted.
In the future, the BT Broadband Home Hub becomes the English equivalent of Skynet.
The Resistance send back Kyle Reese to impregnate Jane whist Adam is "working away" on his "new job"*
Meanwhile, an Arnie style BT (British Terminator) is also sent back, with a mission to kill the Jane's unborn brood.
However, faced with the lack of phone booths with phone books, he has to rely on the moustachio'd sportsmen of 118 to get Sarah-Jane Connors home address.
Still, at least as part of my BT package, they'll be installing a trans-dimensional portal to supply me with my very own unholstered Cameron Terminator/Slave. Epic WIN!
* CHECKING OUT KEYBOARD CAT PORN - BUT NOT ON HIS STAG NIGHT COZ JANE WILL KILL HIM. NAH - GET THE PORN ON THE GO. IT'S A STAG! "WE'RE SUPER MAGIC MEN, WE STAY UP TILL 5AM. ALTHOUGH WE'RE BOUND BY SHAMEN LORE, WHAT GOES ON TOUR STAYS ON TOUR!"
Tuesday 24 August 2010
King dong Sin, Pussy’s in the bin…
As we all know, old gimmers love to plague the hard-pressed GP with their tales of woe after getting ill because they rely on traditional, natural, homeopathetic old wives tale based remedies (which although organic and increase global warming due to the side effects of increased flatulence, tend not to be as efficient as a shot from a NHS nursie who joins you in the shower with her nursie mates caressing your hair).
However, is practicing natural remedy such a crime that some wizened old crone has to be taken into protective custardy?
Seems the old lady found herself with a bit of IBS* caused the inadvertent swallowing of a fly (that wriggled and wriggled and tickled inside her). Thinking her demise may be imminent, further consumption of arachnids was thought to solve the issue.
Alas, this failed, and it fell to feasting on feathered friends, which fell foul and failed to cease further faecal fingernail stainage and stench. So, following the Old Wives Tale, she had no choice but to get a pussy to eat out her bird.
Now, an unhungry feline will not dine, so she bunged it in a bin for a couple of hours to ensure that when she retrieved it, it would munch it’s way through bird, spider and fly, thus alleviate her tummy conundrum.
Unfortunately, Pig Botherer was watching her, and now everyone wants to hang her, just for practicing traditional olde wurlde folke medicine on herself!
OK, she was stopped before the final two** stages (Canine consumption with a Bovine chaser), but come on! How do you think Old Wives got to be Old Wives? By Old Wives practical application of carnivorous healing!
As usual, it’s one rule for modern day technologically advanced healthcare types, and another for new-age hippies with a penchant for traditional medicine and dancing nudie on the hill in the light of the Moon.
* ITCHY BUM SYNDROME.
** ALTHOUGH SOME MAY CLAIM THREE, AS THERE IS SOME ISSUE AS TO WHETHER A HORSE COMES BETWEEN A DOG AND A COW. OR WAS IT A WHORE WHO'S A DOG AND A COW? SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
However, is practicing natural remedy such a crime that some wizened old crone has to be taken into protective custardy?
Seems the old lady found herself with a bit of IBS* caused the inadvertent swallowing of a fly (that wriggled and wriggled and tickled inside her). Thinking her demise may be imminent, further consumption of arachnids was thought to solve the issue.
Alas, this failed, and it fell to feasting on feathered friends, which fell foul and failed to cease further faecal fingernail stainage and stench. So, following the Old Wives Tale, she had no choice but to get a pussy to eat out her bird.
Now, an unhungry feline will not dine, so she bunged it in a bin for a couple of hours to ensure that when she retrieved it, it would munch it’s way through bird, spider and fly, thus alleviate her tummy conundrum.
Unfortunately, Pig Botherer was watching her, and now everyone wants to hang her, just for practicing traditional olde wurlde folke medicine on herself!
OK, she was stopped before the final two** stages (Canine consumption with a Bovine chaser), but come on! How do you think Old Wives got to be Old Wives? By Old Wives practical application of carnivorous healing!
As usual, it’s one rule for modern day technologically advanced healthcare types, and another for new-age hippies with a penchant for traditional medicine and dancing nudie on the hill in the light of the Moon.
* ITCHY BUM SYNDROME.
** ALTHOUGH SOME MAY CLAIM THREE, AS THERE IS SOME ISSUE AS TO WHETHER A HORSE COMES BETWEEN A DOG AND A COW. OR WAS IT A WHORE WHO'S A DOG AND A COW? SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
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