It's an omen!
You know that Pasty Tax? 20% on a hot pastie? Well, Greggs are up in arms about it.
Well, they would be, if they could lift their lardy bingo wings that high.
Anyhoo, I wents in to panic buy a pasty before they ran out before "You VAT bastard" greggnant behemoth belly types secured the lot before the price hike...
...and they have a petition!
SOS!
"Save Our Savouries from the Greedy Pigg Fat Cat Treasury TaxFolk! They want to put prices up by 20%! Protest! Sign our petition!"
Hold on a minute... your pasties were £1.33 yesterday... now they're £1.40?
Has the taxbloke put the VAT on pies already?
No, Greggs have just 'rounded up the price" with a 5.26315789473684210526315789474% price hike!
The burlarizing bakery is pilfering pasty pennies from hy hard wone wages, yet decrying the same thing from the Government?
Hypocracy? Double standards? Double helpings?
Well, not the latter, coz it's too expensive!
Friday 30 March 2012
Tuesday 27 March 2012
Keep off my crotch, swipe my hat so, you fool...
Xym's synopsis of the events of Exile - three clips captured on CCTV! Hard evidence of chavs abusing Xym accurately caught on camera (with subtitles¹ for the herd of herrings)!
Video clip #1: Xym walks into The City
Video clip #2: Thieving gay chavs in the smoking area
Video clip #3: Discovering the absence of Xym
¹ APOLOGIES FOR THE MISSPELLING OF 'ALLEVIATE' IN THE SUBTITLES OF CLIP #2
Video clip #1: Xym walks into The City
Video clip #2: Thieving gay chavs in the smoking area
Video clip #3: Discovering the absence of Xym
¹ APOLOGIES FOR THE MISSPELLING OF 'ALLEVIATE' IN THE SUBTITLES OF CLIP #2
Monday 26 March 2012
We don't need no edjukashun...
We just need the X Factor
A lack of children¹ in the classroom
Gary leave them kids alone
HEY! GLITTER! LEAVE THEM KIDS ALONE!
All in all Cowell should get a brick in the face!
Yes, today is the somewhat bizarre news that a 'crazed' fan was lurking in Simon Cowell's bath. Armed with a brick. Ready to engage in violent connectivity betwixt the two.
Presumably she must've gained entry to the premises by Smashing His Back Doors In².
With the brick.
Anyhoo, this is what perplexed me about this newsworthy tale. It is stated that this is a 'crazed' fan.
Surely, the fact that this woman wanted to mutilate the music mogul by the repeated application of a blunt instrument, to whit - a brick, is proof indeed of her sanity.
To declare this woman as being 'crazed' is preposterous! There is no-one on earth who likes the smug high-waist-trousered aural rapist, and the actions of this woman seems more like a public service than a rampant loon.
Typical press - whipping up a frenzy and demonizing normal, everyday folk!
Then again, this was the headline emblazoned squad upon The Daily Jugs. I wouldn't be surprised if Simon Cowell was on Page 3, thrusting out his moobs to camera.
Crazed fan, my best hat³!
¹ VIETNAMESE CHILDREN. ALLEGEDLY.
² ALTHOUGH I WOULDN'T BE ADVERSE TO SMASHING THE BACK DOORS IN OF JESSIE J, DANNII MINOGUE AND PIXIE LOTT IN THE BATH. POP IDOL? BONE IDOL, MORE LIKE (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND I'M SURE THAT YOU DO! HINT: IT WOULDN'T BE A BONE 'IDLE' - FNARR FNARR, K'YUK K'YUK, ETC)
³ NO - NOT MY BEST HAT! OF HATS, I DO NOT HAVE ANY, LET ALONE A BESTEST! ANY VIOLENT KNIFE WIELDING HOMOCHAVS READING THIS - DO NOT MISTAKE MY SIMILARITY OF TWIDDLY TASHE FOR THE BLOKE WITH THE TWIDDLY TASHE AND TOWERING ACCOUTREMENTAL ATTIRE FASHIONED FROM CYLINDRICAL CHESSBOARDS DIPPED IN ASTROLOGICAL SYMBOLISM UPON HIS NOGGIN. IT WASN'T ME, HONEST GUV!
Millinery exile...
almost caused a knife victim!
Xym thwarted death from gay chav cunts
by fleeing from The Waterfront
So now he dares not wear the hat
in case he ends up stabbed by twats
Especially if their time does come
and try and stab Xym... UP THE BUM!
(that's with a cock, and not a knife,
that low-down, thieving, gayboy's wife)
Sunday 25 March 2012
Color me chubby chequerboard...
Oh, the perils of over-elevated millinery!
I get to the Coats & Saucies¹, and the bar area is of insufficient height to accomodate my elaborately costumed cranuim, resulting in having to affect a Quasimodo lumbering stoop to get to the seatage.
And then comes the arrival of fellow compatriots for inebriating quaffage. And each expresses surprise at the extent of the extensive height of the hat. I TOLD them how big it was. I illustrated quite precisely previously the exact height.
Seems no-one believed me.
But now you know, when Xym says how big it is, you know it IS literally that big!
No fibber Xym!
"But Xym, " quoth the gatherance, "surely you will most prominent down The WhatACunt. Feral yobbos will nick your hat!"
"Ha! " laughs off The Xym, "anyone tries to nick my hat, they'll get a punch in the face!". For I am an exponent of Dimac, the deadliest form of martial art known to mankind, that can instantly disable any foe, should I so wish. My hands and feet are deadly weapons that can kill, maim, mutilate, disfigure, tear, rend and cripple. They are registered with the police, and when not in use need to be placed under lock & key at all times.
Of course, I cannot use my deadly arts upon my chums, but I was given a hands on lesson by a polish Pretty in the ancient art of Dimmock, being the art of norkitudinal caressment. And a very welcome lesson it was too!
So, we get to The WhatACunt, and The Xym is much admired for the doric column upon his coiffure.
And a chav nicks the hat, and in a flash, seemingly without movement, the hat is back in one hand and the other is outstretched in pose #27 (The Dragon Breaks Wind On His Enemies) and the thieving lout staggers back from The Previously Promised Punch In The Face.
Apparently self-defense in the retrieval of personal posessions is frowned upon by purloiners of stove pipe simulcra and much remonstration ensued afore the tealeaf tosser Fled The Scene.
Only to return later to serve a barrage of unwarranted abuse upon The Ladies. From behind a door. Opening it to spout a childish belittling of alternative types, before legging it once more.
Only to return later to apologize for his pissheaded plunderage and smooth things over.
Only to return later to profusely apologize again.
Only to return later to warn me not to go downstairs, as his mates are out to 'sort me out'.
Only to return later in something of a panic to apologize as he can't find them.
Only to return later to apologize he's only found one... and his other mate, well, his boyfriend is enraged. He's got a knife, and like the Color Me Badd hit: "He wants to stab me up".
Only to return later - he now wants to be my bodyguard, as he can't find his mates wifey with knifey. Then runs off, returning to inform it's all sorted.
But later... SUBTERFUGE! Seems like the cessation of stabbage only related to whist indoors under the scrutiny of bouncers and my army of defenders. Now there's new rumblings that once outside, they're gonna give it to me.
And I have no intention of being stabbed up the back alley by some (pork) sword wielding homochav behind the buger bar.
Burger bar? Bugger bar, more like! Bum burgler bar. Quarter pounded to death. With cheese. Nob cheese, more than likely.
And after all that, I realised the swiping of the hat had concealed further filchings. He'd only gone and snaffled away my mojo, the half-inching chavscum.
So I fled into the night, bewailing the lot of the behatted.
Oh well, so much for impressing the Pretties with oversized hat. Guess next time I'll have "chav up" before I go out.
Innit!
¹ FUR COATS, AND NO KNICKERS - WHICH IS PRETTY SAUCY.
I get to the Coats & Saucies¹, and the bar area is of insufficient height to accomodate my elaborately costumed cranuim, resulting in having to affect a Quasimodo lumbering stoop to get to the seatage.
And then comes the arrival of fellow compatriots for inebriating quaffage. And each expresses surprise at the extent of the extensive height of the hat. I TOLD them how big it was. I illustrated quite precisely previously the exact height.
Seems no-one believed me.
But now you know, when Xym says how big it is, you know it IS literally that big!
No fibber Xym!
"But Xym, " quoth the gatherance, "surely you will most prominent down The WhatACunt. Feral yobbos will nick your hat!"
"Ha! " laughs off The Xym, "anyone tries to nick my hat, they'll get a punch in the face!". For I am an exponent of Dimac, the deadliest form of martial art known to mankind, that can instantly disable any foe, should I so wish. My hands and feet are deadly weapons that can kill, maim, mutilate, disfigure, tear, rend and cripple. They are registered with the police, and when not in use need to be placed under lock & key at all times.
Of course, I cannot use my deadly arts upon my chums, but I was given a hands on lesson by a polish Pretty in the ancient art of Dimmock, being the art of norkitudinal caressment. And a very welcome lesson it was too!
So, we get to The WhatACunt, and The Xym is much admired for the doric column upon his coiffure.
And a chav nicks the hat, and in a flash, seemingly without movement, the hat is back in one hand and the other is outstretched in pose #27 (The Dragon Breaks Wind On His Enemies) and the thieving lout staggers back from The Previously Promised Punch In The Face.
Apparently self-defense in the retrieval of personal posessions is frowned upon by purloiners of stove pipe simulcra and much remonstration ensued afore the tealeaf tosser Fled The Scene.
Only to return later to serve a barrage of unwarranted abuse upon The Ladies. From behind a door. Opening it to spout a childish belittling of alternative types, before legging it once more.
Only to return later to apologize for his pissheaded plunderage and smooth things over.
Only to return later to profusely apologize again.
Only to return later to warn me not to go downstairs, as his mates are out to 'sort me out'.
Only to return later in something of a panic to apologize as he can't find them.
Only to return later to apologize he's only found one... and his other mate, well, his boyfriend is enraged. He's got a knife, and like the Color Me Badd hit: "He wants to stab me up".
Only to return later - he now wants to be my bodyguard, as he can't find his mates wifey with knifey. Then runs off, returning to inform it's all sorted.
But later... SUBTERFUGE! Seems like the cessation of stabbage only related to whist indoors under the scrutiny of bouncers and my army of defenders. Now there's new rumblings that once outside, they're gonna give it to me.
And I have no intention of being stabbed up the back alley by some (pork) sword wielding homochav behind the buger bar.
Burger bar? Bugger bar, more like! Bum burgler bar. Quarter pounded to death. With cheese. Nob cheese, more than likely.
And after all that, I realised the swiping of the hat had concealed further filchings. He'd only gone and snaffled away my mojo, the half-inching chavscum.
So I fled into the night, bewailing the lot of the behatted.
Oh well, so much for impressing the Pretties with oversized hat. Guess next time I'll have "chav up" before I go out.
Innit!
¹ FUR COATS, AND NO KNICKERS - WHICH IS PRETTY SAUCY.
Saturday 24 March 2012
Xym - what the fuck are you wearing...
What is that?
What
is
THAT?!?!
"What, upon your head is sat?"
"Why, that's a hat, you blithering twat"
(that's not a per-son-al attack
But can't you recognize a hat)
What
is
THAT?!?!
"What, upon your head is sat?"
"Why, that's a hat, you blithering twat"
(that's not a per-son-al attack
But can't you recognize a hat)
It's clearly not a rat or bat
or Eastenders' big earring'd Pat
Nor feral brat or malformed cat
It's obviously a great big hat!
Ah, your eyes grow wide and fat
In shock and awe at my towering hat
That's how I roll - it's where I'm at
A great fat twat in a great big hat
Friday 23 March 2012
You ain't nuffink but a Hound Dawg, in a latext suit...
Today, I would bore you with tales of City Centre Elvis Wars, and superhero claims payout avoidance from companies inserting Formicidæ up yer Japsæ to weak weewengay upon enemies in onanistic cumuppance.
But you know what?
I can't be jiggered!
The sun is all out, and I'm stuck indoors feeling poo.
Well, not literally feeling poo. I'm not sat at my workstation kneading fæces, moulding turds and generally shaping shit with me mitts. I feel poo in the "Bleurgh, I feel like crap" feeling poo. Not feeling like a crap. Actually... back in a minute...
...phew, that's better. Better out than in, I say. And I'd also quantify that saying by additionally saying that the better out os better stay out for 10 minutes if I were you.
or summat.
It looks all lovely and warm out there, and it's a slow afternoon at work. Outside, there are Pretties in light airy dresses, pelmet skirts and halter tops. In here, it's middle aged blokes - and the Pretties down the corridor seem not to be venturing down this end of the office.
I'm all a-shiver, sore of throat and thick of head. And I need to be well for tomorrow, for the Exile and the wearing of the impractically tall hat.
So, no blog today.
Which is a shame, for I had much to entertain thee with regarding Puppet man competitive interlopers, and the duelling vocals, with added Puppet vs Corpulent Troll Harridan accompanyment. And then the Pee-Pee VC clad sidekick. Not to mention the jizz ants.
Which I just have. Although I still hasn't seen the movie, but it ties in nicely with the pee pee P of Oxo).
Oh well, you'll just have to do without a blog today.
Sorry 'bout that!
But you know what?
I can't be jiggered!
The sun is all out, and I'm stuck indoors feeling poo.
Well, not literally feeling poo. I'm not sat at my workstation kneading fæces, moulding turds and generally shaping shit with me mitts. I feel poo in the "Bleurgh, I feel like crap" feeling poo. Not feeling like a crap. Actually... back in a minute...
...phew, that's better. Better out than in, I say. And I'd also quantify that saying by additionally saying that the better out os better stay out for 10 minutes if I were you.
or summat.
It looks all lovely and warm out there, and it's a slow afternoon at work. Outside, there are Pretties in light airy dresses, pelmet skirts and halter tops. In here, it's middle aged blokes - and the Pretties down the corridor seem not to be venturing down this end of the office.
I'm all a-shiver, sore of throat and thick of head. And I need to be well for tomorrow, for the Exile and the wearing of the impractically tall hat.
So, no blog today.
Which is a shame, for I had much to entertain thee with regarding Puppet man competitive interlopers, and the duelling vocals, with added Puppet vs Corpulent Troll Harridan accompanyment. And then the Pee-Pee VC clad sidekick. Not to mention the jizz ants.
Which I just have. Although I still hasn't seen the movie, but it ties in nicely with the pee pee P of Oxo).
Oh well, you'll just have to do without a blog today.
Sorry 'bout that!
Thursday 22 March 2012
Sugar at night, ungrateful shite...
...Pretty of curry and rice!
Sugar you swine, you crossed the line
That Pretty and her mates are MINE!
Sugar you swine, you crossed the line
That Pretty and her mates are MINE!
Yes it's Tumpty Tumpty Tumpty Tumpty Tumpty Tumpty Tummm-Tahhhhh time, as another batch of narcissic tosspieces fight to be The Apprentice!
Now, much has already been made of the fact that the cockerknee barrow-boy market street hawker of craparse computers was always firing people from a job they didn't have because it's a 12 week interview and you can't be fired from an interview.
You can be fired AT during an interview, if the interviewer takes exception to the interviewee and pulls out his pistol. Although preferably not his sex pistol, as although waving your weenie about may evacuate the room less murderously than popping a cap in their ass, popping a cock up the ass is frowned upon.
Unless you REALLY want the job.
That said, inappropriate exposure of genitalia may well be on the cards now, for although the show is still called The Apprentice, he's not looking for an apprentice. He's looking for a Partner. Mayhap whipping out his willy in the boardroom to get them Babes on the casting couch is one option of bagging a partner.
But not a bag for life - like that screechy shrivelled harridan Jenna. That voice - it's like Sally Webster out of Corrie, Peggy out of Hi-De-Hi and a shrew all rolled into one.
Anyhoo, looking at what passes for Pretties looking to be Lord Sugars
And I do love a nice Biryani! Yum yum!
And then there's two other Pretties vying for second place in the hotness in the harem stakes - Mad Maria The Pretty In Purple , and Jane The Pretty In Red (and not dancing with me. Horizontallhy or otherwise. or something). I can't choose between those two yet, so I think Lord Sugar should have a task where they have to be all lubed up in flimsy binkininis and wrestle in a paddling pool filled with glistening baby oil.
And maybe that Karren Brady can adjudicate, before being dragged into the pool for a three way lez-up.
Anyhew - typically The Sugar has no love for the smooching of schmoozers, and has dumped the prettiest Pretty in the first round! What's wrong with you Sir Al? How can anyone not want the Bulgarian Babe from the communist flatblocks as their partner?
Send her round mine - I'll take her as my partner. And if you can evict the other two, I'll set up my own Escort service, with exclusive access for one client.
Me!
How's that for a business proposition?
Although I'd prefer the triumvate of totty propositioning me like pervy prossies.
I'd buy that for a dollar!
Wednesday 21 March 2012
I don't need no posture phase (they's got no chairs for Xymni)...
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Tuesday 20 March 2012
Zi dingir anna kanpa! Zi dingir kia kanpa!...
Emergency update to my list of exciting stuff, because this is more than exciting than the badgers nadgers, the donkey's dangler and the dogs bollocks combined. This makes for one very happy Xym!
Pre-order exclusively from the Neph webstore, like what The Xym did: here
| 06 May 2012 | Ceromonies: Ceremonial edition Fields of the Nephilim: Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set. ● Handmade bespoke wooden case with the Ceromonies emblem individually branded upon it. ● Two CDs (Ad Mortem & Ad Vitam) ● DVD ● Double vinyl album in gatefold sleeve and heavyweight blood red vinyl. ● Exclusive special edition booklet featuring high-quality artwork, graphics and photos designed by Sheer Faith. ● Brushed metal Pendant (50mm pendant on a 21-inch chain etched with the Ceromonies seal) ● Flag/Altar cloth (100cm x 70cm Ceromonies banner) ● Limited edition print photographed by Paul Harries and autographed by Carl McCoy. ● Laminated artist pass from the London's Shepherds Bush Empire Ceromonies concerts. |
Pre-order exclusively from the Neph webstore, like what The Xym did: here
Monday 19 March 2012
You think you can read me...
You can ever read me!
You can only read what your insignificanly little minds can concieve!
For this blog does not exist!!
Shock! Horror! Consternation! Casternets! Uproar!
There's this interweb based company called Blue Coat. Obviously some spin off from Butlins and run by them happy go lucky Bradley Walsh type gormsters, who have categorised my blog as being "under construction, parked domains, search-bait or otherwise generally having no useful value."
It's been a while since I revealed any inner secrets of the masonic illuminateri Tibetan tunnelling secret leaders and their diverse conspiracies, but it would seem they have caught wind of my exposure of their assassinatory attempts upon The Xym and tried a new tack.
Cyber Hackage. and the prevention of access to me blog!
They've marked my revelationary texts as a Placeholder - meaning it doesn't exist, and therefore access is denied to various search engines and corporate firewallery.
Which makes my Blog sort of an Area 51 of the net!
Miss Carthcart and her Blue Coated brethren, having divested her banana colored raiment of the Maplins Electricals Holiday Campanology, has become one of them Govermentment Women In Black! Or deep shade of deep blue. Or something.
"Blogger Obscura does not exist, it is a placeholder - nothing there but a name. So you can't look at it coz there's nowt there. What do you mean, you can reads it? I'm sorry, you're trepanning on space monster technologies and mystical bollocks of the Ancients, so you will have to be shots on sight".
Well, you in your serial killer suits made up of skinned Smurf can try and deny the presence of these texts - anyone who hath stumbled upon these ramblings can see they exist by the evidence of their own optical recepticles.
Unless they're blind, in which case they can read it through the bumpy bits on their monitor lizard.
Generally having no useful value, my best hat!
And my new best hat will be out on Sat!
And tall of hat The Xym will be.
But you won't be there to see it coz this Blog doesn't officially exist, so you can't read it, and therefore will be all unexpectant of millinery towerage that must remain all Pisa-esque upon the cranium as removal would reveal the now legendary cap coiffure of disarray.
So it'll be a nice surprise then, won't it!
You can only read what your insignificanly little minds can concieve!
For this blog does not exist!!
Shock! Horror! Consternation! Casternets! Uproar!
There's this interweb based company called Blue Coat. Obviously some spin off from Butlins and run by them happy go lucky Bradley Walsh type gormsters, who have categorised my blog as being "under construction, parked domains, search-bait or otherwise generally having no useful value."
It's been a while since I revealed any inner secrets of the masonic illuminateri Tibetan tunnelling secret leaders and their diverse conspiracies, but it would seem they have caught wind of my exposure of their assassinatory attempts upon The Xym and tried a new tack.
Cyber Hackage. and the prevention of access to me blog!
They've marked my revelationary texts as a Placeholder - meaning it doesn't exist, and therefore access is denied to various search engines and corporate firewallery.
Which makes my Blog sort of an Area 51 of the net!
Miss Carthcart and her Blue Coated brethren, having divested her banana colored raiment of the Maplins Electricals Holiday Campanology, has become one of them Govermentment Women In Black! Or deep shade of deep blue. Or something.
"Blogger Obscura does not exist, it is a placeholder - nothing there but a name. So you can't look at it coz there's nowt there. What do you mean, you can reads it? I'm sorry, you're trepanning on space monster technologies and mystical bollocks of the Ancients, so you will have to be shots on sight".
Well, you in your serial killer suits made up of skinned Smurf can try and deny the presence of these texts - anyone who hath stumbled upon these ramblings can see they exist by the evidence of their own optical recepticles.
Unless they're blind, in which case they can read it through the bumpy bits on their monitor lizard.
Generally having no useful value, my best hat!
And my new best hat will be out on Sat!
And tall of hat The Xym will be.
But you won't be there to see it coz this Blog doesn't officially exist, so you can't read it, and therefore will be all unexpectant of millinery towerage that must remain all Pisa-esque upon the cranium as removal would reveal the now legendary cap coiffure of disarray.
So it'll be a nice surprise then, won't it!
Saturday 17 March 2012
One woman can make you fly like an eagle...
...Another can give you the strength of a lion
But only one can fill your heart with wonder
But only one can fill your heart with wonder
And the wisom you have known a singular joy"
- Deputy Hawk, Twin Peaks, Episode IV
Expand than singularity of reference, for many a dame of such description doth walk the Earth.
Yes, yet another Hot Babe hath appeared in Starbucks to be added to my Harem!
And it wasn't Fearme Bottom and her follicley veiled¹ busoms. 'twas the überest of überbabe perfection. A Pretty of sexy sirenesque angelic awesomeness!
Life needs to have an option of Add To Cart with a side order of Home Delivery.
Now, before all my Pretties get all Jealous (not including Polish no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), YOU are still one HOT Babe, and I still adore you. Until the unlikely even that Xym's is snapped up by an imaginary Pretty with a penchant for short fat gothboys with preposterous hair (sans ludicrous shades, but with ridiculous 'tache and occasional unfeasable headwear and assorted other improbably accoutréments), YOU will always be my ultimate babe.
Unless you're a bloke. Obviously.
Mwah Mwah
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
¹ NOT TO CONFUSED WITH HER HAIRY VALE. ASSUMING BRAZILLIAN RAINFORESTRY IS THE ORDER OF THE DAY. UNLESS IT'S A DENUDED HOLLYWOOD WASTELAND VALLEY. OR SOMETHING.
Thursday 15 March 2012
opportunity...
Goodly grief!
Clearly, The Xym needs to take his lecherous perverture onto the television!
There are many people constantly hassling The Xym with commentary such as "You should be on stage/screen" and the ilk. And it seems they could be right!
For it seems that all you need to get one of them there tellyshows is to come up with an idea that not only legitimises your perverted peccadilloes, but appeals to other pervy TV execs. Or should that be TV Egg Sex. Or something.
Take tonight - there's a prime example on that Chanel N°4. A new show where famous flange feasting vagitarian Mary Portarse has a new concept: The Bottom Line.
Seems the ludicrous lezza isn't content with finding vague excuses to squeeze the ample mammarial attributes and bootilicious behinds of her make-over guests in the name of fashion - she's managed to blag a show that allows the scissor sister to perve at Pretties in their pants!
Now, if Xym, as a bloke, went to Channel 4 and said "I want to do a show about women's knickers, and I shall have to assess several scantily clad sirens in sexy smallclothes, and it's about fashion and not a chance to ogle semi-naked women" - I'd be put on a register or something! But a lesbian leching at ladies in lingerie... that's fine!
I'll just bet when The Portarse was pitching her plot to the Big Nobs, the Big Nobs were all pitching a tent at the thought of prime time pussy-in-thigh-high-PVC-boots rug munching action!
I wonder what the sapphic strumpet will try and getoff on away with next time? Sex-Toy High-street - The Portarse seeks out new and innovative adult entertainment equipment to promote to the pubic public who are seeking their five minutes of fame on the telly and will debase themselves with a full-on sex sesh.
Mary Portarse: Queef of Slots - strap in and strap on! Clunk click, need no dick, along your clit her tongue will flick. Probably.
Clearly, The Xym needs to take his lecherous perverture onto the television!
There are many people constantly hassling The Xym with commentary such as "You should be on stage/screen" and the ilk. And it seems they could be right!
For it seems that all you need to get one of them there tellyshows is to come up with an idea that not only legitimises your perverted peccadilloes, but appeals to other pervy TV execs. Or should that be TV Egg Sex. Or something.
Take tonight - there's a prime example on that Chanel N°4. A new show where famous flange feasting vagitarian Mary Portarse has a new concept: The Bottom Line.
Seems the ludicrous lezza isn't content with finding vague excuses to squeeze the ample mammarial attributes and bootilicious behinds of her make-over guests in the name of fashion - she's managed to blag a show that allows the scissor sister to perve at Pretties in their pants!
Now, if Xym, as a bloke, went to Channel 4 and said "I want to do a show about women's knickers, and I shall have to assess several scantily clad sirens in sexy smallclothes, and it's about fashion and not a chance to ogle semi-naked women" - I'd be put on a register or something! But a lesbian leching at ladies in lingerie... that's fine!
I'll just bet when The Portarse was pitching her plot to the Big Nobs, the Big Nobs were all pitching a tent at the thought of prime time pussy-in-thigh-high-PVC-boots rug munching action!
I wonder what the sapphic strumpet will try and get
Mary Portarse: Queef of Slots - strap in and strap on! Clunk click, need no dick, along your clit her tongue will flick. Probably.
Monday 12 March 2012
Carrie doesn't live here, anymore...
...or does she?
Certainly not! For The Xym is not one for the transvesticism of tarting hisself up in PVC and poncing about the city like certain Trinity Matrixy actresses.
No sirree - this is Carrietta White, for The Xym seems to be developing the psychotic psychic powers of the PMT inflamed arsey cow.
It appears I'm becoming one of them Nostradamn-your-eyes-usses, and being all future predictive.
Ooooh!
Take today. There's Xym, all expectantly awaiting his onieromancical publication that have been ensured will arrive between the hours of 2 and 4.
BUT... come the end of old repeats of Jeremy Kyle on the ITV2, there is no sign of my Morphean tome. Come 6pm, I wander over to the door - no reason, just to check it's unlocked when Postie turns up. Gets to the door... just as Postie arrives and raps upon it!
Coincidence? Synchronicity? The fickle fecal finger of fate that escapes buttock besmirchnent when it tears through the Andrex mid-wipe? Or did Xym's psychic Xymchronicity kick in, and predict packet arrival, thus placing my person proximate to the package in advance?
And it's not just predicting the future when couriered deliveries arise - oh no! Frequently, I'll reach for my phone, thinking It's just gone off. It hasn't, but as soon as I closes it - Beepity beep it goes, demanding my attentions to deal with the telecommicative messages contained therein.
Luck? Happenstance? The tarnished turd of Tibetan teachers, polished to a poo-shine and transmuted into a very dirty pearl necklace?
Who can say?
But, as admonished t'other by foreign females who now hate The Xym (ie Polish no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), I shall have to hone my new powers and put it to untrustworthy, nefarious uses.
So, on with the exercises to build it into telekinetic terror. The ability, by thought alone, to cause blouses to burst open, spilling the boobage contained within out into public display. To conjure the ghostly gust of gusset centred wind to lift the skirt to flash the gash and ass.
Which you can bet ANY bloke given telekinetic power would do.
Trust me on this!
Certainly not! For The Xym is not one for the transvesticism of tarting hisself up in PVC and poncing about the city like certain Trinity Matrixy actresses.
No sirree - this is Carrietta White, for The Xym seems to be developing the psychotic psychic powers of the PMT inflamed arsey cow.
It appears I'm becoming one of them Nostradamn-your-eyes-usses, and being all future predictive.
Ooooh!
Take today. There's Xym, all expectantly awaiting his onieromancical publication that have been ensured will arrive between the hours of 2 and 4.
BUT... come the end of old repeats of Jeremy Kyle on the ITV2, there is no sign of my Morphean tome. Come 6pm, I wander over to the door - no reason, just to check it's unlocked when Postie turns up. Gets to the door... just as Postie arrives and raps upon it!
Coincidence? Synchronicity? The fickle fecal finger of fate that escapes buttock besmirchnent when it tears through the Andrex mid-wipe? Or did Xym's psychic Xymchronicity kick in, and predict packet arrival, thus placing my person proximate to the package in advance?
And it's not just predicting the future when couriered deliveries arise - oh no! Frequently, I'll reach for my phone, thinking It's just gone off. It hasn't, but as soon as I closes it - Beepity beep it goes, demanding my attentions to deal with the telecommicative messages contained therein.
Luck? Happenstance? The tarnished turd of Tibetan teachers, polished to a poo-shine and transmuted into a very dirty pearl necklace?
Who can say?
But, as admonished t'other by foreign females who now hate The Xym (ie Polish no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), I shall have to hone my new powers and put it to untrustworthy, nefarious uses.
So, on with the exercises to build it into telekinetic terror. The ability, by thought alone, to cause blouses to burst open, spilling the boobage contained within out into public display. To conjure the ghostly gust of gusset centred wind to lift the skirt to flash the gash and ass.
Which you can bet ANY bloke given telekinetic power would do.
Trust me on this!
Saturday 10 March 2012
Sowing the seeds of trust...
Or, more accurately, the seeds of mistrust!
Alas, no more. The Saviour of Damsels in Distress is distrustful, and not the most trustworthy trustability he was previously famed for.
According to one of my Polish (no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), Friends deemed The Xym somewhat shady.
"I don't trust YOU, " quoth the Raven haired temptress, "No offense Xym, but I simply don't... you loathsome vile lecherous sloth!"
Seems the jobbing jobber who put up my shelf of trust forgot his spirit level, and it's on the wonk¹, and all the trust has slid off said shelving. As has the level of me spirit, also. Oh doom and gloom and waily waily.
What's a poor old short fat gothboy with preposterous hair (sans ludicrous shades, but with ridiculous 'tache and occasional unfeasable headwear and assorted other improbable accoutréments) to do, now his one remaining redeeming feature is revealed to be a sham?
A shammy leather, that is.
In stagnant water in a rusty bucket.
Left for three months after being used to wipe liquid fecal effluent from the mens bog floor.
In a nightclub.
After a bout of curried kebab vomiting upon it.
And soaked in rivers of mis-aimed streams of piss
DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN.
That man being The Xym.
"And lo, all in despair, The Xym cast himself from his ærie, to smash into the craggy jagged rocks below...
...well, poorly laid paving slabs that trip up the unwary and serious damage fringes.
And not even that, for it would be a tad too hurty, so he must goeth home and cast himself down upon the sofa and sulk"
Or something.
¹ I SAID WONK!
Remember, remember, way back in December
According to one of my Polish (no-longer-considered-a-Pretty-due-to-aspersions-upon-my-lack-of-trustworthyness-and-therefore-cast-out-of-Xym's-imaginary-harem), Friends deemed The Xym somewhat shady.
"I don't trust YOU, " quoth the Raven haired temptress, "No offense Xym, but I simply don't... you loathsome vile lecherous sloth!"
Seems the jobbing jobber who put up my shelf of trust forgot his spirit level, and it's on the wonk¹, and all the trust has slid off said shelving. As has the level of me spirit, also. Oh doom and gloom and waily waily.
What's a poor old short fat gothboy with preposterous hair (sans ludicrous shades, but with ridiculous 'tache and occasional unfeasable headwear and assorted other improbable accoutréments) to do, now his one remaining redeeming feature is revealed to be a sham?
A shammy leather, that is.
In stagnant water in a rusty bucket.
Left for three months after being used to wipe liquid fecal effluent from the mens bog floor.
In a nightclub.
After a bout of curried kebab vomiting upon it.
And soaked in rivers of mis-aimed streams of piss
DO NOT TRUST THIS MAN.
That man being The Xym.
"And lo, all in despair, The Xym cast himself from his ærie, to smash into the craggy jagged rocks below...
...well, poorly laid paving slabs that trip up the unwary and serious damage fringes.
And not even that, for it would be a tad too hurty, so he must goeth home and cast himself down upon the sofa and sulk"
Or something.
¹ I SAID WONK!
Thursday 8 March 2012
Walking on the beaches, perving at the peaches...
...and their well developed frontage.
...not to mention their camel hoofed swimsuiteries.
Or I would be, if I wasn't at work, and it wasn't so cold on Lower's Tuft sea front, or the arcades of Great Y'ha-Nthei
But not UK Pretties. Oh no - not today! For today is once again International Women's Day! Therefore today is dedicated to perving at Polish pretties and other fullsome foreign females.
So, apologies to my British Babes, for today you will not be subjected to the usual admirations and proclamations of my devotion to your beauty¹. It's international, not national, so special lecheries are exclusive for my hotties from hotter climates!
Californicating Calipornia Girls, dirty EuroTrash minxes and diverse other sexpots of exotic shores - today, YOU are the most beautiful specimen! Your foreign allure is driving me wild with passion, and if your significant other is not as attentive as they should be - just remind them, The Xym could be stepping in for them if they're not careful!
Mwah ha ha ha ha with a side order of Mwah Mwah. An evil laugh followed by chaste cheek kissage to confuse and confound! With some full on snoggage thrown in for good measure.
For it's Europretties day!
But then again, every day is You're A Pretty day² in Xym's world!
Especially Her, that one there, and DEFINATELY that one! Not to mention my harem of überbabes.
But most of all...
YOU, my angelic vision of beauty²!
And if you don't think I mean you, you're probably wrong, for I do mean YOU.
Especially if you're the you who's in a solid long term partnership/marriage and therefore unobtainable³!
But make the most of it, my lovely, for The Xym's preposterous perverture may be coming to a close. For The Comedy Lechment doth be going down like a lead balloon. Or, more accurately, and being international Pretties day, 99 Lead Balloons. The now legendary slap and punch in the face may not be so far off!
I appear to be offending Pretties left, right and centre, these days, and The Avoidance Of Xym seems to becoming a popular pastime amongst the Pretties.
Oh well. Plenty more fish in the sea.
But I'm not pulling a mussel trying to cop off with chavette Innsmouthian denizens of the deep down Cromer pier and end up with crabs, I can tell you!
¹ OR MAYBE NOT, FOR SURELY IGNORING LOCAL LASSES FOR SUN KISSED SUCCUBUS'S IS RACIST. PROBABLY. ALTHOUGH, THAT SAID, AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY IS SOMEWHAT SEXIST! WHERE'S THE INTERNATIONAL BLOKES DAY? OR INTERNATIONAL ALL-PEOPLES-IRRESPECTIVE-OF-SEX DAY? OR INTERNATIONAL XYM PERVING AT PRETTIES DAY (ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THAT'S EVERY DAY)?
² UNLESS YOU'RE A BLOKE. AND I'M NOT PERVING AT YOU. THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SO GAY!
³ SOME SAY THAT'S A DEFENSE MECHANISM - FOR BEING UNABLE TO APPROACH SINGLE PRETTIES DUE TO THE TWIN DISEASES OF SOCIOPHOBIA AND SHYNESS, IT'S EASIER FOR THE XYM TO ADMIT HIS AMOROUS ADMIRATION TO THOSE HE CANNOT HAVE, SAFE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT
A) NOTHING WILL HAPPEN,
B) THE PRETTIES ARE HAPPY SOMEONE (EVEN IF THE TROLL THAT IS THE XYM) LOVES THEM AND FINDS THEM BEAUTIFUL, AND
C) HE DOESN'T HAVE TO FACE ENGAGING IN AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH STRANGE WOMENS HE KNOWETH NOT!
...not to mention their camel hoofed swimsuiteries.
Or I would be, if I wasn't at work, and it wasn't so cold on Lower's Tuft sea front, or the arcades of Great Y'ha-Nthei
But not UK Pretties. Oh no - not today! For today is once again International Women's Day! Therefore today is dedicated to perving at Polish pretties and other fullsome foreign females.
So, apologies to my British Babes, for today you will not be subjected to the usual admirations and proclamations of my devotion to your beauty¹. It's international, not national, so special lecheries are exclusive for my hotties from hotter climates!
Californicating Calipornia Girls, dirty EuroTrash minxes and diverse other sexpots of exotic shores - today, YOU are the most beautiful specimen! Your foreign allure is driving me wild with passion, and if your significant other is not as attentive as they should be - just remind them, The Xym could be stepping in for them if they're not careful!
Mwah ha ha ha ha with a side order of Mwah Mwah. An evil laugh followed by chaste cheek kissage to confuse and confound! With some full on snoggage thrown in for good measure.
For it's Europretties day!
But then again, every day is You're A Pretty day² in Xym's world!
Especially Her, that one there, and DEFINATELY that one! Not to mention my harem of überbabes.
But most of all...
YOU, my angelic vision of beauty²!
And if you don't think I mean you, you're probably wrong, for I do mean YOU.
Especially if you're the you who's in a solid long term partnership/marriage and therefore unobtainable³!
But make the most of it, my lovely, for The Xym's preposterous perverture may be coming to a close. For The Comedy Lechment doth be going down like a lead balloon. Or, more accurately, and being international Pretties day, 99 Lead Balloons. The now legendary slap and punch in the face may not be so far off!
I appear to be offending Pretties left, right and centre, these days, and The Avoidance Of Xym seems to becoming a popular pastime amongst the Pretties.
Oh well. Plenty more fish in the sea.
But I'm not pulling a mussel trying to cop off with chavette Innsmouthian denizens of the deep down Cromer pier and end up with crabs, I can tell you!
¹ OR MAYBE NOT, FOR SURELY IGNORING LOCAL LASSES FOR SUN KISSED SUCCUBUS'S IS RACIST. PROBABLY. ALTHOUGH, THAT SAID, AN INTERNATIONAL WOMEN'S DAY IS SOMEWHAT SEXIST! WHERE'S THE INTERNATIONAL BLOKES DAY? OR INTERNATIONAL ALL-PEOPLES-IRRESPECTIVE-OF-SEX DAY? OR INTERNATIONAL XYM PERVING AT PRETTIES DAY (ALTHOUGH, TO BE FAIR, THAT'S EVERY DAY)?
² UNLESS YOU'RE A BLOKE. AND I'M NOT PERVING AT YOU. THAT WOULD BE, LIKE, SO GAY!
³ SOME SAY THAT'S A DEFENSE MECHANISM - FOR BEING UNABLE TO APPROACH SINGLE PRETTIES DUE TO THE TWIN DISEASES OF SOCIOPHOBIA AND SHYNESS, IT'S EASIER FOR THE XYM TO ADMIT HIS AMOROUS ADMIRATION TO THOSE HE CANNOT HAVE, SAFE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT
A) NOTHING WILL HAPPEN,
B) THE PRETTIES ARE HAPPY SOMEONE (EVEN IF THE TROLL THAT IS THE XYM) LOVES THEM AND FINDS THEM BEAUTIFUL, AND
C) HE DOESN'T HAVE TO FACE ENGAGING IN AWKWARD CONVERSATION WITH STRANGE WOMENS HE KNOWETH NOT!
Tuesday 6 March 2012
You can prove anything with facts...
Someone on The Facebukkakke recented mentioned a pervy search that hit their Tumblr. It's a long time since I saw what searches hit mine, so I thought I'd have a quick check at the Blogspot and Google stats for my blog.
The top ten interweb searches in Feb through Blogger:
● fields of the nephilim ceromonies
● the stranglers giants
● fiverladys
● making fanny of angelina jolie at the oscars
● "cradle your hatred"
● "got porn this way"
● "war of the worlds: goliath"
● bloggerobscura.blogspot.com
● fearne cotton's ringpiece
● neil innes grimms blogspot
The top ten interweb searches in Feb through Google:
● defacated
● come mr taliban
● fearne cotton bum
● georgie thompson upskirt
● durm und strang
● evangelion 3.33
● "martell"
● fields of the nephilim ceromonies
● goonies upskirt
● the xym
Other oddball queries worthy of note:
● pigboy
● gay nipples
● fag bank
● titty bream
● girl teats
● leotard tease
● tank fish and chippery
● dizzy wright fuck your opinion
● lycra boner
Should I be more concerned that people are googling The Xym, or that Fearne Cotton's chocolate starfish is expected to be found on my blog? 150 hits from people looking up Fearne's Bunghole!
I've no idea who Georgie Thompson is, and "making fanny of angelina jolie" makes no sense at all, let alone for multiple searches! And who's searching for upskirts in The Goonies - surely Mama Frattelli's italian bloomers are a cockblocker¹. And what the heck is a fiverlady? A cheapo budget chav slattern of the night? A go on her kebab for less than the price of kebab?
And what's with gay nipples? I mean, WTF? Gay nipples? How can you even have gay nipples? It's not like winged bunnies or sapphic turtles - it's body parts having sexual preferences of their own! Sentient organs? What happens if the nips are gay, but the body's straight? Now I'm worried - Do I have a straight cock, with gay ankles, Fearne Cotton's lesbian ringpiece² and bisexual hair?
And as for Titty Bream - fishteats? Fisherman's netting for brassiere's? Lobsters nestling in the norks alongsode crabs in the over the shoulder boulder holders? The mind boggles!
¹ OR WAS IT THE KIDS MOM? OR THAT CHEERLEADER. I REMEMBER THEM BEING OBSESSED WITH ONE-EYED WILLY. ONE-EYED WILLY INDEED! PIRATE NOB GAGS - AND IF THE SPANISH CLEANER IS GAGGING ON A PIRATE'S NOB, OR ONE-EYED WILLY, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG IN SATURDAY NIGHT FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT
² AH, SO THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR FEARNE'S BROWNEYE ON THE WEB! BASICALLY, BARING BUNGHOLES IS, LIKE, SO AMAZING. CHECK UP THE WAZOO! WICKED! EPIC UP THE SHITTER SKILLS!
The top ten interweb searches in Feb through Blogger:
● fields of the nephilim ceromonies
● the stranglers giants
● fiverladys
● making fanny of angelina jolie at the oscars
● "cradle your hatred"
● "got porn this way"
● "war of the worlds: goliath"
● bloggerobscura.blogspot.com
● fearne cotton's ringpiece
● neil innes grimms blogspot
The top ten interweb searches in Feb through Google:
● defacated
● come mr taliban
● fearne cotton bum
● georgie thompson upskirt
● durm und strang
● evangelion 3.33
● "martell"
● fields of the nephilim ceromonies
● goonies upskirt
● the xym
Other oddball queries worthy of note:
● pigboy
● gay nipples
● fag bank
● titty bream
● girl teats
● leotard tease
● tank fish and chippery
● dizzy wright fuck your opinion
● lycra boner
Should I be more concerned that people are googling The Xym, or that Fearne Cotton's chocolate starfish is expected to be found on my blog? 150 hits from people looking up Fearne's Bunghole!
I've no idea who Georgie Thompson is, and "making fanny of angelina jolie" makes no sense at all, let alone for multiple searches! And who's searching for upskirts in The Goonies - surely Mama Frattelli's italian bloomers are a cockblocker¹. And what the heck is a fiverlady? A cheapo budget chav slattern of the night? A go on her kebab for less than the price of kebab?
And what's with gay nipples? I mean, WTF? Gay nipples? How can you even have gay nipples? It's not like winged bunnies or sapphic turtles - it's body parts having sexual preferences of their own! Sentient organs? What happens if the nips are gay, but the body's straight? Now I'm worried - Do I have a straight cock, with gay ankles, Fearne Cotton's lesbian ringpiece² and bisexual hair?
And as for Titty Bream - fishteats? Fisherman's netting for brassiere's? Lobsters nestling in the norks alongsode crabs in the over the shoulder boulder holders? The mind boggles!
¹ OR WAS IT THE KIDS MOM? OR THAT CHEERLEADER. I REMEMBER THEM BEING OBSESSED WITH ONE-EYED WILLY. ONE-EYED WILLY INDEED! PIRATE NOB GAGS - AND IF THE SPANISH CLEANER IS GAGGING ON A PIRATE'S NOB, OR ONE-EYED WILLY, THERE'S SOMETHING VERY WRONG IN SATURDAY NIGHT FAMILY ENTERTAINMENT
² AH, SO THAT'S WHY PEOPLE ARE LOOKING FOR FEARNE'S BROWNEYE ON THE WEB! BASICALLY, BARING BUNGHOLES IS, LIKE, SO AMAZING. CHECK UP THE WAZOO! WICKED! EPIC UP THE SHITTER SKILLS!
Monday 5 March 2012
Xym's a mean green mother from outer space...
Well, despite being born and bred in The England, from a long line of English (or possible Welsh) folks, it looks like The Xym isn't qualified to live in his ancestral seat!
There this think called The UK Citizenshippery Test.
Test?
I took this test. That makes me a testee.
And testes sum up this big fat pile of hairy arsed bollocks!
I only scored 8 ouf of 24, and that was with a lot of guesswork! It than hat the nerve to sick up a proclamation! A proclamation that announced that The Xym is not permitted to be a UK citizen!
JESUS CHRIST... If I suck that badly at my citizenificationary stuff, and know nothing of earthly matters appertaining to the UK, then I must be...
...A POD PERSON FROM THE PLANET MARS!!! Unknowlingly invaded and taken over by unknowledgeable betentacled beasties of arctic shapeshiftery! And I didn't even feel the anal probe!
BASTARDS!
Them Government Men In Multicultural Colored Clothing better not start exporting me for repatriation to insterstellar climes so they can cut down on their budgetary austerity measures by thieving all my cash in tax for the space shuttle fuel fees, or I'll kick up a right kerfuffle!
There this think called The UK Citizenshippery Test.
Test?
I took this test. That makes me a testee.
And testes sum up this big fat pile of hairy arsed bollocks!
I only scored 8 ouf of 24, and that was with a lot of guesswork! It than hat the nerve to sick up a proclamation! A proclamation that announced that The Xym is not permitted to be a UK citizen!
JESUS CHRIST... If I suck that badly at my citizenificationary stuff, and know nothing of earthly matters appertaining to the UK, then I must be...
...A POD PERSON FROM THE PLANET MARS!!! Unknowlingly invaded and taken over by unknowledgeable betentacled beasties of arctic shapeshiftery! And I didn't even feel the anal probe!
BASTARDS!
Them Government Men In Multicultural Colored Clothing better not start exporting me for repatriation to insterstellar climes so they can cut down on their budgetary austerity measures by thieving all my cash in tax for the space shuttle fuel fees, or I'll kick up a right kerfuffle!
Saturday 3 March 2012
Is there shite on Mars...
...asked David Bowie.
Why do people always call a spaceship piloted by betentacled shape-shifty beasties a UFO. It's an IFO. An Identified Flying Object. Identified as martian invasion crafts intent on blowing us all to Hell with their death rays whilst blowing their noses due to martian-man-flu before their inevitable demise.
"No Xym, it's a UFO - an alien craft scouting for hillbilly bottoms to sexually experiment on"
"UFO? No, YOU F.O. you illiterate minge with mange! You just said it was an alien scouting craft. Therefore not unidentified at all!"
I'll tell you this, though. They may be from the Rings of Saturn, but if any of them bring their probes near the ring of Uranus, implanting their interplanetary implantery tracking devices of implantment up me bum again, there'll be Hell to pay!
Coming over here, mutilating out cattle and sexually experimenting on us. Well, on our hillbilly's in remote forestry high on moonshine, anyways. How the tables turn - with them Satyrnalian's playing the interplanetary equivalent of tentacle-adapted banjos, whilst asking their abductees to 'squeal piggy' for the probe as they extract the purty teeth of humanity.
Well, I'm no intergalactic racist, but they can just take their dome topped saucers with triple-legged stand and retractable ramp, and go back where they came from, instead of wasting NHS resources on flu jabs and claiming all manner of benefits because they can't be deported back to Jupiter due to the torture regime in place, then marrying John Cooper-Clarke so they can legally live here and bring their entire family over to sponge off the system at The Taxpayer's expense.
Just because they're pod people from the planet Mars who look like people, doesn't make them peoples - just insidious infiltrators of colonization.
And that's colon-ization, hence the now legendary probeage.
Probably.
Or something.
"But Xym, space monsters and alien craft don't exist - it's all a load of shite! Aliens can't travel through space - space travel is impossible!"
Well, answer me this! There's some black & white grainy footage of a spacecraft landing on another planet in 1969. And there's these space monsters, all in big white interplanetary suits, claiming the desolate planet as a new Homeworld.
Amazingly, The Invaders clearly are of advanced technology, as they have also invented flags. Either that, or they just copied them from catching eathly transmitted TV rays on their crystal televisual holographic prisms.
There are some that say this footage is a hoax, and pooh-pooh interplanetary travel. But if intergalactic overlords are landing on the moon, I don't want them poo-pooing all over it! Who wants to telescopically see trans-dimensional Wateryboy types baring the whole of their moon at Earth and dropping their defacations on the lunar landscape.
Not Patrick Moore, that's for sure!
Why do people always call a spaceship piloted by betentacled shape-shifty beasties a UFO. It's an IFO. An Identified Flying Object. Identified as martian invasion crafts intent on blowing us all to Hell with their death rays whilst blowing their noses due to martian-man-flu before their inevitable demise.
"No Xym, it's a UFO - an alien craft scouting for hillbilly bottoms to sexually experiment on"
"UFO? No, YOU F.O. you illiterate minge with mange! You just said it was an alien scouting craft. Therefore not unidentified at all!"
I'll tell you this, though. They may be from the Rings of Saturn, but if any of them bring their probes near the ring of Uranus, implanting their interplanetary implantery tracking devices of implantment up me bum again, there'll be Hell to pay!
Coming over here, mutilating out cattle and sexually experimenting on us. Well, on our hillbilly's in remote forestry high on moonshine, anyways. How the tables turn - with them Satyrnalian's playing the interplanetary equivalent of tentacle-adapted banjos, whilst asking their abductees to 'squeal piggy' for the probe as they extract the purty teeth of humanity.
Well, I'm no intergalactic racist, but they can just take their dome topped saucers with triple-legged stand and retractable ramp, and go back where they came from, instead of wasting NHS resources on flu jabs and claiming all manner of benefits because they can't be deported back to Jupiter due to the torture regime in place, then marrying John Cooper-Clarke so they can legally live here and bring their entire family over to sponge off the system at The Taxpayer's expense.
Just because they're pod people from the planet Mars who look like people, doesn't make them peoples - just insidious infiltrators of colonization.
And that's colon-ization, hence the now legendary probeage.
Probably.
Or something.
"But Xym, space monsters and alien craft don't exist - it's all a load of shite! Aliens can't travel through space - space travel is impossible!"
Well, answer me this! There's some black & white grainy footage of a spacecraft landing on another planet in 1969. And there's these space monsters, all in big white interplanetary suits, claiming the desolate planet as a new Homeworld.
Amazingly, The Invaders clearly are of advanced technology, as they have also invented flags. Either that, or they just copied them from catching eathly transmitted TV rays on their crystal televisual holographic prisms.
There are some that say this footage is a hoax, and pooh-pooh interplanetary travel. But if intergalactic overlords are landing on the moon, I don't want them poo-pooing all over it! Who wants to telescopically see trans-dimensional Wateryboy types baring the whole of their moon at Earth and dropping their defacations on the lunar landscape.
Not Patrick Moore, that's for sure!
Friday 2 March 2012
I ain't 'fraid of no goats...
Now, there has been theftage of thatch de visage from an acquaintance of mine, who claims it blew off in the wind.
Which must have been some mighty flatulence to defollicle the facial forestry!
This prompted another, in true wild-of-hair and mad-of-eye mad geneticist stylee, to proclaim a desire to breed a race of nocturnal beard nibbling nannies.
Naturally, The Xym got rather excited at the original premise - nightly nibbles by a nanny! Even better - Mary Poppins... popping 'em out... naughty nannies gnawing on nipples...
But then it turned out the nannies in question were goats.
And goats are too large to house in a bedroom and reshape your facial furniture as you dream of does. And dears. Some mad old dears. Gay, and off their tits on rum.
So you have to have smaller goats. Younger goats, in fact. The Michaela Strachan Wac-a-day Wild club term for them being Kids.
And no-one want nibbling on the nipples in the night and being de-teated by kids¹.
The advantage of cabrito cleansing is that would naturally do away with the requirement of daily grooming², allowing the grower of soup-catcher to maintain their hirsute appearance without the hassle of accoutrements and diverse other tonsorial utensilry.
But even so, I think kids would be too large.
You'd have to get David Attenborough out of Jurassic Pork's InGen to clone an army of miniature pigmy goats - no, even better! Forget nanny goats - nanogoats!!
Nanogoats that creep out from a matchbox stable under your pillow as you slumber, and then munch upon your moustache and binge on your beard. And, for the ladies, allow them to roam your Jumanji³ - binge-ing on your brazillian bush, saving you a painful minge-waxing.
Ever wonder why a goatee is called a goatee? A-ha!
Suddenly, Rick Moronic in Honey? I shrunk the Kids! doesn't sound so fa-fetched now, does it!
Although he didn't shrink goat Kids. But he DID feed his dentist to an Audrey II, in which I could've done with his help on Tuesday morning with the replacement Hygienist. Orin Scivello? Hah! Steve Martin had nothing on Martel - who went at me ivories like Pete Martell at a 2by4 in the Packard Sawmill. With added lumberjackeries.
Hopefully Annie will be back next time.
How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
¹ UNLESS YOU'RE GARY GLITTER. IN VIETNAM.
² BUT NOT ONLINE. FOR THE GROOMING OF KIDS IS FROWNED UPON - SEE ¹ ABOVE
³ THIS BREED OF NANOGOAT ARE CASTRATED SO THEY CAN'T ACCIDENTALLY NOB YOU IN SLEEPY BEASTIALITY AND BREED A RACE OG GOAT PEOPLE. THEY ARE CALLED WETHERS, AND THEY PICK AT THE PUBES ROUND YOUR POON. YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT WETHERSPOONS WERE PUBS - NO, THEY'RE DWARVEN GOATS MUNCHING ON MINGEHAIR. NO WONDER WETHERSPOONS IS SO CHEAP - WHAT WOMAN WANTS SOME HAIRY BEARDED SATYR IN HER KNICKERS, HENCE THE CHEAP ALCOPOPS. YOU KNOW THE OLD ADAGE: BACARDI BREEZER - (half-man half-goat) PAN UP HER BEAVER!
Which must have been some mighty flatulence to defollicle the facial forestry!
This prompted another, in true wild-of-hair and mad-of-eye mad geneticist stylee, to proclaim a desire to breed a race of nocturnal beard nibbling nannies.
Naturally, The Xym got rather excited at the original premise - nightly nibbles by a nanny! Even better - Mary Poppins... popping 'em out... naughty nannies gnawing on nipples...
But then it turned out the nannies in question were goats.
And goats are too large to house in a bedroom and reshape your facial furniture as you dream of does. And dears. Some mad old dears. Gay, and off their tits on rum.
So you have to have smaller goats. Younger goats, in fact. The Michaela Strachan Wac-a-day Wild club term for them being Kids.
And no-one want nibbling on the nipples in the night and being de-teated by kids¹.
The advantage of cabrito cleansing is that would naturally do away with the requirement of daily grooming², allowing the grower of soup-catcher to maintain their hirsute appearance without the hassle of accoutrements and diverse other tonsorial utensilry.
But even so, I think kids would be too large.
You'd have to get David Attenborough out of Jurassic Pork's InGen to clone an army of miniature pigmy goats - no, even better! Forget nanny goats - nanogoats!!
Nanogoats that creep out from a matchbox stable under your pillow as you slumber, and then munch upon your moustache and binge on your beard. And, for the ladies, allow them to roam your Jumanji³ - binge-ing on your brazillian bush, saving you a painful minge-waxing.
Ever wonder why a goatee is called a goatee? A-ha!
Suddenly, Rick Moronic in Honey? I shrunk the Kids! doesn't sound so fa-fetched now, does it!
Although he didn't shrink goat Kids. But he DID feed his dentist to an Audrey II, in which I could've done with his help on Tuesday morning with the replacement Hygienist. Orin Scivello? Hah! Steve Martin had nothing on Martel - who went at me ivories like Pete Martell at a 2by4 in the Packard Sawmill. With added lumberjackeries.
Hopefully Annie will be back next time.
How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie? How's Annie?
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!
¹ UNLESS YOU'RE GARY GLITTER. IN VIETNAM.
² BUT NOT ONLINE. FOR THE GROOMING OF KIDS IS FROWNED UPON - SEE ¹ ABOVE
³ THIS BREED OF NANOGOAT ARE CASTRATED SO THEY CAN'T ACCIDENTALLY NOB YOU IN SLEEPY BEASTIALITY AND BREED A RACE OG GOAT PEOPLE. THEY ARE CALLED WETHERS, AND THEY PICK AT THE PUBES ROUND YOUR POON. YOU MAY HAVE THOUGHT WETHERSPOONS WERE PUBS - NO, THEY'RE DWARVEN GOATS MUNCHING ON MINGEHAIR. NO WONDER WETHERSPOONS IS SO CHEAP - WHAT WOMAN WANTS SOME HAIRY BEARDED SATYR IN HER KNICKERS, HENCE THE CHEAP ALCOPOPS. YOU KNOW THE OLD ADAGE: BACARDI BREEZER - (half-man half-goat) PAN UP HER BEAVER!
Thursday 1 March 2012
Xym's list of exciting stuff (Mar '12)...
Slightly revised the layout, and removed the usual intro guff!
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 09 Mar 2012 | John Carter Adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Of Mars |
| 09 Mar 2012 | The Raven NOT an Edgar Allan Poe biopic after all - EAP is brought in to help catch a serial killer whose murders seem to be based on his supernatural stories... |
| 16 Mar 2012 | Devil Inside Exorcisty stuff - rescheduled |
| 16 Mar 2012 | Mirror, Mirror Julia Robers does Snow White (Put back from March) |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Hunger Games Blatant rip-off of Koushun Takami's Battle Royale, rewritten by Suzanne Collins in the style of Twilight to appeal to younger teens. Send these unimaginitive types off to an island run by Kinji Fukasaku & 'Beat' Takeshi and subject them to The Program, Say I! That programme being Takeshi's Castle. Or something. Hunger Games my best hat! |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Babycall |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Iron Sky In 1945, Nazis escaped to the moon... Now, they are planning their return! |
| 05 Apr 2012 | Titanic 3D Oh, fuck off Cameron. Fuck right off. Just take you fuck-offness and add extended fuck-offery with a side order of fucking fuck off and die. I don't mind Titanic - I mean, I has it on (either DVD or Blu-Ray) but no way am I sitting in a cinema for 4 hours just to watch Kate Winslett's norkitude in 3D. Not to mention the caterwauling of bloody Celine Dion. Titanic 3D indeed! Jesus Christ almighty. |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Battleship Transformery space monsters terrorise a Battleship on the high seas |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Cabin In The Woods |
| 27 Apr 2012 | Avengers Assemble Release date brought back forward AND RENAMED! Not The Avengers now, but Avengers Assemble. And it would seem Iron Man villain Fin Fang Foom is the big bad nasty - see the end clip in the latest trailer. |
| 27 Apr 2012 | The Monk |
| 11 May 2012 | Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !! |
| 25 May 2012 | Men In Black 3D |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Prometheus Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. Or nothing to do with Alien whatsoever. Now in 3D |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Snow White & The Huntsman |
| 04 Jul 2012 | The Amazing Spider-Man 3D I held off putting this on my list of exciting stuff, as another reboot of Spidey does not excite The Xym. Think I may retitle it to list of Interesting Stuff! |
| 20 Jul 2012 | The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman |
| 27 Jul 2012 | Dr Seuss' The Lorax "I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees, Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please; But I also speak for the brown Barbaloots, Who frolicked and played in their Barbaloot suits, Happily eating Truffula fruits." |
| 02 Aug 2012 | Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter |
| 17 Aug 2012 | The Bourne Legacy Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity. |
| 22 Aug 2012 | Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake |
| 21 Sep 2012 | Dredd First edit of the new Judge Dredd movie has been screened, and final cut is now in progress |
| 14 Sep 2012 | Resident Evil: Retribution |
| 05 Oct 2012 | Frankenweenie Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film) |
| 16 Nov 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 2 |
| 14 Dec 2012 | Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]3: Génesis |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]4: Apocalypse |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Bill & Ted #3 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Stephen King's Carrie Remake. Truer to the book than the 1976 version, but without the 'happy' ending of the 2002 one with Carrie being driven to safety by Sue Snell (to allow a Carrie spin-off TV series) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Silent Hill: Revelation 3D |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012 |
| 02 Mar 2013 | Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks. |
| ?? Apr 2013 | Evil Dead Remake in progress. |
| 03 May 2013 | Iron Man 3 |
| 10 May 2013 | Pacific Rim Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans! |
| 17 May 2013 | Star Trek 2 |
| 22 Nov 2013 | Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire |
| 15 Nov 2013 | Thor 2 |
| 13 Dec 2013 | Hobbit: There And Back Again |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Jack The Giant Killer |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel |
| 29 Jun 2014 | Transformers 4 |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Captain America 2 |
| ?? ??? 2015 | Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on |
| ?? ??? ???? | Atlantis Rising Comic book adap - may be a miniseries? |
| ?? ??? ???? | Beetlejuice 2 Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Crow Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen" |
| ?? ??? ???? | Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? ???? | Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay |
| ?? ??? ???? | Maleficent Snow White from the Queen's persepective. Angelina Jolie now cast! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Jitters Giant killer insects… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Kick Ass 2 |
| ?? ??? ???? | Monty Python's… Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto) |
| ?? ??? ???? | Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford |
| ?? ??? ???? | Robocop I had to kill Dick Jones because he made a mistake… LIKE REMAKING ROBOCOP! Surely it's time to erase this mistake and stop the reboot…? |
| ?? ??? ???? | Short Circuit Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no? |
| ?? ??? ???? | Sin City 2 Screenplay almost finished |
| ?? ??? ???? | That Be Monsters 18th Century sea monster stuff |
| ?? ??? ???? | Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic |
| ?? ??? ???? | X-Men: First Class 2 Given the go-ahead. |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 05 Mar 2012 | A Game Of Thrones (series 1) |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Immortals |
| 12 Mar 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 1 |
| 15 Mar 2012 | The Whisperer In Darkness DVD already out. Blu-Ray now on pre-order for dispatching in March |
| 19 Mar 2012 | Tintin: Legend of the Unicorn |
| 19 Mar 2012 | Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker |
| 19 Mar 2012 | Hellraiser VII: Deader |
| 19 Mar 2012 | Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld |
| 26 Mar 2012 | The Thing 2011 Version |
| 26 Mar 2012 | The Awakening |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Demons Argento produced Bava preposterousness |
| 09 Apr 2012 | Demons 2 More Argento produced Bava preposterousness |
| 09 Apr 2012 | Return of the Living Dead: Special Edition |
| 23 Apr 2012 | Girl With The Dragon Tattoo US remake version |
| 23 Apr 2012 | War of the Worlds Series 1 of the 1988 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only) |
| 07 May 2012 | The Artist |
| 07 May 2012 | House By The Cemetery: Ltd |
| 14 May 2012 | Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows |
| 14 May 2012 | Terminator |
| 21 May 2012 | Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State Society |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Dune David Lynch version - unsure which cut(s) are included yet |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks and the Last Seven Days of Laura Palmer *** I don't know if this is the cut with restored scenes or not yet. Watch this space! *** |
| 09 Jul 2012 | War of the Worlds Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only) |
| 30 Aug 2012 | War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D. |
| 15 Oct 2012 | American Horror Story (series 1) |
| ?? Oct 2012 | Evangelion 3.33: Quickening |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Blade Runner 30th Anniversary Edition |
| ?? ??? 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 06 Mar 2012 | Todd and the Book Of Pure Evil Showing in UK on: SyFy |
| 13 Mar 2012 | Alcatraz Showing in UK on: Watch |
| ?? Mar 2012 | Dirk Gently Showing in UK on: BBC 4. Full series currently being filmed due to the success of the Pilot |
| Autumn 2012 | Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start) |
| 02 Apr 2012 | A Game Of Thrones (series 2) Showing on: Sky Atlantic… so, not on Virgin for me then :( |
| Latter 2012 | Walking Dead (Series 3) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit |
| Spring 2012 | Once Upon A Time Showing in UK on: Five |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Sinbad New mini-series |
| ?? ??? ???? | A Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012 |
| ?? ??? ???? | American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman |
| ?? ??? ???? | Gotham |
| ?? ??? ???? | Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK |
| ?? ??? ???? | Munsters Remake. Pilot being developed by Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller |
| ?? ??? ???? | New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC |
| ?? ??? ???? | Space 2099 Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Star Wars: Underworld |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Giants: Deluxe Edition The Stranglers CD1: 1. Another Camden Afternoon, 2. Freedom Is Insane, 3. Giants, 4. Lowlands, 5. Boom Boom, 6. My Fickle Resolve, 7. Time Was Once On My Side, 8. Mercury Rising, 9. Adios (Tango), 10. 15 Steps CD2: 1. Tits, 2. English Towns, 3. Southern Mountains, 4. European Female, 5. Instead of This, 6. Long Black Veil, 7. Dutch Moon, 8. My Fickle Resolve, 9. Don't Bring Harry, 10. Cruel Garden, 11. Mine All Mine, 12. Bitching, 13. Old Codger, 14. Sanfte Kuss |
| 12 Mar 2012 | The Darling Buds Shame On You Native Years (reissue) 1. Shame on You, 2. Valentine, 3. Think of Me, 4. It's All Up to You, 5. That's the Reason, 6. Burst, 7. When It Feels Good, 8. Spin, 9. Uptight |
| 02 Apr 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS *** Delayed due to fire at EMI (release date may as late as 9 Apr) *** Fields of the Nephilim 2CDd+DVD, 2disc vinyl or Download (download includes Last Exit from Mera Luna 2008). CD1: ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ (live 12 Jul 2008): 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Shine, 6 Wail Of Sumer, 7 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 8 Trees Come Down, 9 Psychonaut CD2: ΛD•VфΤΛΜ (live 13 Jul 2008): 1 Intro (Harmonica Man), 2 Preacher Man, 3 Moonchild, 4 Requiem, 5 Xiberia, 6 Zoon pt3 (Wakeworld), 7 Mourning Sun, 8 Celebrate DVD: 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Wail Of Sumer, 6 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 7 Trees Come Down, 8 Moonchild, 9 Psychonaut, 10 Mourning Sun |
| 'VERY SOON' | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set Fields of the Nephilim double-CD live album, live concert DVD, double-vinyl pressing, exclusive Nephilim merchandise and artefacts, all in a designed and branded wooden box. |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Dare: Deluxe Edition Human League CD1: 1. The Things That Dreams Are Made Of, 2. Open Your Heart, 3. The Sound Of The Crowd, 4. Darkness, 5. Do Or Die, 6. Get Carter, 7. I Am The Law, 8. Seconds, 9. Love Action (I Believe In Love), 10. Don't You Want Me, 11. The Sound Of The Crowd [12'' Version], 12. Don't You Want Me [Extended Dance Mix], 13. The Sound Of The Crowd [Instrumental], 14. Hard Times / Love Action (I Believe In Love) [Instrumentals], 15. Open Your Heart / Non-Stop [Instrumentals], 16. Don't You Want Me [Alternative Version] CD2: 1. Mirror Man, 2. You Remind Me Of Gold, 3. (Keep Feeling) Fascination [Extended Version], 4. I Love You Too Much, 5. Mirror Man [Extended Version], 6. You Remind Me Of Gold [Instrumental], 7. (Keep Feeling) Fascination [Improvisation], 8. I Love You Too Much [Dub Version], 9. Total Panic |
| 21 May 2012 | Choice Of Weapon: Deluxe Edition The Cult CD1: 1. Honey From A Knife, 2. Elemental Light, 3. The Wolf, 4. Life > Death, 5. For The Animals, 6. Amnesia, 7. Wilderness Now, 8. Lucifer, 9. A Pale Horse, 10. This Night In The City Forever CD2: 1. Every Man And Woman Is A Star, 2. Embers, 3. Until The Light Takes Us, 4. Siberia |
| 04 Jun 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson |
| ?? Jun 2012 | Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant - put back to June to coincide with launch of some documentary in May. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 02 Mar 2012 | Tim Vine Norwich Playhouse |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Shappi Khorsandi UEA |
| 06 Mar 2012 | Killing Joke Norwich WhatACunt |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Cleeving Heavages The Daft Bat Spew On Me Twat |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Harry Potter Charity Quiz The Black Whores |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Pout At The Devil The Porker In Warclothes |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Rich Hall Norwich Playhouse |
| 21 Mar 2012 | Stiff Little Fingers & Spear Of Destiny Norwich WhatACunt |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Fascinating Aida Norwich Playhouse |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street Norwich Playhouse (Sondheim musical version!). Runs till 14th April. |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Drugstore Norwich Arse Centre |
| 18 Apr 2012 | Richard Herring Norwich Playhouse |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Paradise Lost Norwich WhatACunt |
| 10 May 2012 | Neil Innes Norwich Arse Centre |
| 17 May 2012 | Blancmange Norwich Arse Centre |
| 20 May 2012 | Inspiral Carpets Norwich WhatACunt Rescheduled from 18th March |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Pout At The Devil Norwich WhatACunt |
| 25 Oct 2012 | Hazel O'Connor Norwich WhatACunt |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 22 Mar 2012 | Angry Birds: Space Angry Birds! In Space! :D |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Resident Evil: Racoon City |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Silent Hill: Downpour Release date moved to coincide with the HD collection |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Silent Hill: HD Collection remastered editions of Silent Hill 2 & 3 |
| 20 Nov 2012 | Resident Evil 6 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Animal Crossing 3Ds |
| 20 Nov 2012 | Resident Evil 6 |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 09 Mar 2012 | The Annotated Sandman Vol.1 Delayed from 27 Jan, then 10 Feb |
| 23 Mar 2012 | The Company of the Dead Kowalski, David J. A time traveller appears on the Titanic and tries to change the course of history |
| 27 Mar 2012 | Game Of Thrones Vol.1 Graphic Novel |
| ?? Mar 2012 | Lovecraft Anthology II Graphic Novel |
| ?? May 2012 | Blake's 7: The Forgotten Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel) |
| ?? Aug 2012 | No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories Lumley, Brian 1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave |
| 06 Sep 2012 | The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age Rankin, Robert |
| ?? ??? 2012 | e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Harry Potter (eBooks) Rowling, JK. Available via Pottermore. Delayed from October 2011. |
| 01 Jan 2013 | Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J. |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends Rankin, Robert |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| ?? Aug 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 (audiobook) 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Retromancer Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013 |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| IN LIMBO | Akira Production once again halted… |
| IN LIMBO | At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro. |
| IN LIMBO | Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick |
| IN LIMBO | Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski |
| IN LIMBO | Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding. |
| IN LIMBO | Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time" |
| IN LIMBO | Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months |
| IN LIMBO | Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director |
| IN LIMBO | Power of the Dark Crystal Sequel to The Dark Crystal Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again. |
| IN LIMBO | Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down. |
| IN LIMBO | Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months. |
| IN LIMBO | Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America. |
| IN LIMBO | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 29 Feb 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #1 (audiobook) |
| 27 Feb 2012 | In Time |
| 17 Feb 2012 | Ghost Rider 2: Spirit of Vengeance |
| 23 Feb 2012 | Blood Car |
| 20 Feb 2012 | Vanishing On 7th Street |
| 20 Feb 2012 | Simple Minds: 5 |
| 13 Feb 2012 | Grimm |
| 10 Feb 2012 | The Vibrators |
| 10 Feb 2012 | The Woman In Black |
| 10 Feb 2012 | The Muppets |
| Jump to section: | Film --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
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