Thems what bang on about celebs, like:
"Eeeeh, she's a fat cow!"
"Eeeeh, she's a skinny bitch!"
"Eeeeh, look at them telephoto binkinini shots of her fatarse cellulite"
"Eeeeh, gotta fap over Johnny Depp"
"Eeeeh, OMG, like Katie Brand and Russell Perry-Comotose have, like, split up, an' he's like, so hot, and she's, like, a tramp, yeah?"
You know the ones! Anyhoo, ever wondered about the jealous harridans that provide all this drivel? Well, here's the editors of three of the big Celebrititty gossip rag editors:
Quite plainly, oil paintings all three. Phwoar. And ever so happy. Especially the witch on the right, the miserable old crone! I wouldn't smash any of their back doors in... I'd pop round the back door, ensure it's shut, padlock it, nail enough planks over it to repel a horde of zombies, build a false wall and add another back door. Made from steel. With a combination lock that would vex even Hans Grüber's team in Die Hard. Yippee Kai Ay, Motherfucker? Xymni say nay, wouldn'tfuckher¹!
But enough of harpies harping on about herpes infested celebs and their Reel Life How I Found Love After I Shagged My GrandDaughter's Sister In A Threeway With Her Mother And Gave Birth To The Rapist's Kidnapped Baby Who Was My Long Lost Twin. A sidebar gave the following news:
Customers at The Odeon are demanding refunds after seeing The Artist, complaining that IT HAS NO SOUND And the projectors must've been faulty because the film they saw was in BLACK AND WHITE!
Well, I say Customers... clearly I meant GORMSTER RETARDS!
Naturally, when I go to see a silent black and white movie, set in the era of silent black and white movies, about a silent movie star in silent movies, obviously I expect it to be a technicolor cacophony of ocular and aural rapery. So what if all the trailers, posters, stills and promos are all in B&W with a silent soundtrack - when I get in the cinema, it should be like Wizard Of Oz - a tornado across the screen and suddenly it's all sparkly slippers and bellowing munchkins.
I mean, I saw this last week, and it's really good! I mean, I could follow it despite it's monochrome visuality and audio absence.
Then again, I'm not a cretinous gormstrosity who thinks mind vacuum gobshites like Wayne "Shag ancient granny, Kick round thing and spit" Rooney and Jade "East Angular Abroad up me kebab nyahahaha" are the height of sophisticated role modelling.
Honestly - some people just need a nice long hug.
Around the neck.
With a rope.
From a height.
With no underfoot support.
¹OH, WELL. IN FOR A PENNY...
...AND IF THAT WAS PENNY SMITH OFF GMTV ON THE LEFT IN HER BANZAI LEATHER CATSUIT, I'D BE WELL IN. OR SOMETHING.
I CAN IMAGINE THE ONE ON THE LEFT (FROM ON HEAT MAG) BEING A BIT OF A DOMINATRIX.
THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE (FROM FUGLY FELLOW! MAG) LOOKS LIKE A POSHO DADDY'S GIRL, PROBABLY RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY AND GOES OFF LIKE A WHINNYING ROCKET.
AND AS FOR THE WENCH ON THE RIGHT (FROM CLEARLY NOT OK! MAG)... SHE LOOKS LIKE A RIGHT DIRTY LASS. PROBABLY HAVE YOU ON THE GRIMY DISEASED FLOOR OF AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE LAVATORY BEFORE SELLING YOU TO SOME HOSTEL STYLE ORGAN REMOVAL SERVICE. ALTHOUGH YOU'D HAVE TO DO HER FROM BEHIND TO AVOID THAT EVIL GLARE.
