The night we honour the Northern-Irish presenter of North West Tonight, World In Action and Granada Reports by stuffing our faces with Haggis, Neeps and Tatties.
But not some hag's nips and titties.
Though that would be nice.
But not the withered dugs of a hag.
Or something.
Anyhoo, I'm not exactly sure WHY we have to honour him now. Since the success of The Crapped On Factor, we now have the modern version of glorified Karaoke that is Simon Cow Hell's "The Ex Fucked Her".
It started out as a bit of a challenge. Mental Agility tests, Response tests, Observation tests, Physical Ability When Getting Assaulted On A Course tests, Intelligence tests, and General Knowledge tests.
Now you just have to warble into a mic with autotune on, flirt with Ollie Manures, cop off with Caroline 'Pædo' Flack and Bob Holness is your dead uncle.
What is it with Caroline's being Pædos? There's that advert, where Quentin plays the part of a Space Monster visiting Argos. Baby alien states "as a conundrum, it's up there with Justin Bieber and Egg-Nog". Dad alien says "Mmmmm... egg nog". Not so the 50 year old kiddie fiddler from Woman Behaving Badly - oh, no. She drools "mmmmmm... Bieber".
The corpulent cougar Caroline is perving over 15yr olds, just like that Caroline Flick-My-Clit! Except Caroline Slack(twat), actually shags the youngest contestants, like that jammy bastard Hairy Nobby Stiles.. No wonder her spin-off show's called The Extra Fucked Her!
At least that advert makes sense now - "Don't just shop for it - Our Gusset¹! Get in there you underage stud - call me Caroline Glitter! ♪ I'm the pædo, I'm the pædo, I'm the pædo with a flange, I am! ♫ "
¹ WHO CAME UP WITH THAT STRAPLINE FOR ARGOS? NOW TRY AND WATCH THE ADVERT AND NOT HEAR "OUR GUSSET" INSTEAD OF "ARGOS IT"!
