With the rising of the Flood Waters due to all the reservoirs overspilling coz no-one's using their hopespipes to keep the deluge within reasonable limits, those nefarious fisherfolk are on the prowl.
Seems The Police have put out a warning about the dangers of door-to-door skate, sole and shark sellers!
Now, I'm no expert, but surely even I would think something was a bit dodge when a salesbloke turns up and tries to flog me "fresh" fish in the middle of the street on a hot spring day!
The smell of felonious floundering flounders and capering capers would be a hint that there's something fishy about the these purveyors of pollock!
Cod Almighty, I've haddock up to eel with cretinous gobshites who gullibly buy guppies on doorsteps then complain to Anne Robinson on Watch Dogfish about their own stupidity!
"I answered the door, and there was a bloke in fishermans waders. He showed me a fishing license so see seemed legit. After purchasing the rank, steaming pile of sun warmed foul fisheries, I fried it up for me tea and was violently ill. I think it's a disgrace people are allowed to flog fish door-to-door, and then I stupidly end up buying bream"
I mean, honestly, how thick do you have to be to pay £900 for £150 of substandard fish just coz some bloke in fishermans waders turns up on your doorstep with a hamper of haddock!
I'm netting me a trunk of trout to lug around Catton in the hot day sun. Fed on bicycle tyres, trollies, singular boots and inebriated drunken revellers - they're a right catch of the day!
Ooooh - forget that! I'm off down Riverside (motherfecker) to see if I can fish out hungover Pretties in flimsy white blouses and pelmet skirts who took a drunken dive into the drink!
Hero Xym to the Baywatch rescue!
I'll need a pair of red knickers though. And knowing my luck any bobbing babes will end up drownded in the time it takes for me to take a slow motion run along the gravel path, moobs a-bouncing.
I think I'll stick to flogging fish.
Which probably amounts to the same thing, if you know what I mean, and if you do, then let me know, coz I don't, although I think it's safe to say it's probably vaguely naughty concerning pissed wet strumpets.
Or something...
Monday, 30 April 2012
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Burgerking across the road from meh...
Now, I thought it would be relatively simples to distinguish capra ægagrus hircus from canis lupus.
Clearly not!
For televisual representation of transformation of those who much upon lamb flatbreads end up neither. A wolf they day! Nay, first it's clearly a goat... before descending into some Kashyyk based lifeform.
To whit; One hairy arsed humanoid with a Rambo-esque bullet harness affixed diagonally from scapula to waist, with a preference for growing at scurrying floor-brushing mechanoids.
No wonder them kids of today are so confused about Yetis, Abdominable Snowblokes, Sasha squatting (for a shit?) and Bigfeets.
The world of Fast Food is confusing enough with metamorphosis suspiciously reminiscent of a Wookie's hole while misrepresented as Talbot - Lawrence Talbot!
Even a man who is pure by heart
And of a flatbread bites
May become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And his hairy moon is bare and shites.
Or something...
Clearly not!
For televisual representation of transformation of those who much upon lamb flatbreads end up neither. A wolf they day! Nay, first it's clearly a goat... before descending into some Kashyyk based lifeform.
To whit; One hairy arsed humanoid with a Rambo-esque bullet harness affixed diagonally from scapula to waist, with a preference for growing at scurrying floor-brushing mechanoids.
No wonder them kids of today are so confused about Yetis, Abdominable Snowblokes, Sasha squatting (for a shit?) and Bigfeets.
The world of Fast Food is confusing enough with metamorphosis suspiciously reminiscent of a Wookie's hole while misrepresented as Talbot - Lawrence Talbot!
Even a man who is pure by heart
And of a flatbread bites
May become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms
And his hairy moon is bare and shites.
Or something...
Friday, 27 April 2012
Thursday, 26 April 2012
Happy smiley people holding fans...
And The Xym is a fan who wouldn't mind if Stacey Solomon was holding the aforementioned fan!
For The Stace is one fit bird. Phwoar. Right up my street. And when she smiles, it lights up the room like an olympic torch being shoved into a gem encrusted golden musty tomb by Evie Hammond being played by Rachael Weiss.
I think it's safe to say "yeah, The Xym definately would!"
Anyhew, the "fan" in question is a different sort of fan entirely. A fan for fanning away the fug of scented miasma in a bottle. For everyone's favourite Iceland shopping waterfall showering pop tart¹ has released aromatheraputive perfumeries curiously named "Smile".
Now, I'm no expert, but surely a product called Stacey Solomon's Smile should be accompanied by the Pop Pretty's radiant cakehole moistly opened wide and turned up at the corners (and not turning up at the coroners like my other perfect pop Pretty Ameh).
So what's with the miseryarse expression accompanying the Eau De Toilet?
Look at her - call that a Solomon Smile? She doesn't even look happy in the remotest of remote interpretations of happyness.
That's one bloody pissed off mardy bum expression if ever I saw one!
Stacey Solomon's Smile? Stacey Solomon's Sulky Arse Stroppy Hissy Fit, more like!
I suppose they were going for Stacey Solomon's Sultry Smile, which I would be most appreciative of. But no. That's someone who is not impressed at all with something over in the top right of the room.
Unless, of course, what The Xym and his incomprehensibility in interpreting social interaction understands as a smile is not actually a smile. Perhaps a smile is that kind of 'meh' expression displayed on that promotional package!
Well, no wonder the Pretties all avoid The Xym - clearly what I thought was a cheeky, charming, friendly and inviting smile is a scowlage of fuck-offery proportions! Perhaps I should emulate the Solomon Smile above, so people know I's a smiley happy peoples...
Oh well..
¹ NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH OTHER WATERFALL SHOWERING POP TART MY CLEAN ARSE. WHICH IT WOULD BE, AFTER ALL THAT TIMOTEI RUNNING DOWN HER BACK AND FLUSHING THROUGH HER CRACK. OR SOMETHING.
For The Stace is one fit bird. Phwoar. Right up my street. And when she smiles, it lights up the room like an olympic torch being shoved into a gem encrusted golden musty tomb by Evie Hammond being played by Rachael Weiss.
I think it's safe to say "yeah, The Xym definately would!"
Anyhew, the "fan" in question is a different sort of fan entirely. A fan for fanning away the fug of scented miasma in a bottle. For everyone's favourite Iceland shopping waterfall showering pop tart¹ has released aromatheraputive perfumeries curiously named "Smile".
Now, I'm no expert, but surely a product called Stacey Solomon's Smile should be accompanied by the Pop Pretty's radiant cakehole moistly opened wide and turned up at the corners (and not turning up at the coroners like my other perfect pop Pretty Ameh).
So what's with the miseryarse expression accompanying the Eau De Toilet?
Look at her - call that a Solomon Smile? She doesn't even look happy in the remotest of remote interpretations of happyness.
Stacey Solomon's Smile? Stacey Solomon's Sulky Arse Stroppy Hissy Fit, more like!
I suppose they were going for Stacey Solomon's Sultry Smile, which I would be most appreciative of. But no. That's someone who is not impressed at all with something over in the top right of the room.
Unless, of course, what The Xym and his incomprehensibility in interpreting social interaction understands as a smile is not actually a smile. Perhaps a smile is that kind of 'meh' expression displayed on that promotional package!
Well, no wonder the Pretties all avoid The Xym - clearly what I thought was a cheeky, charming, friendly and inviting smile is a scowlage of fuck-offery proportions! Perhaps I should emulate the Solomon Smile above, so people know I's a smiley happy peoples...
Oh well..
¹ NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH OTHER WATERFALL SHOWERING POP TART MY CLEAN ARSE. WHICH IT WOULD BE, AFTER ALL THAT TIMOTEI RUNNING DOWN HER BACK AND FLUSHING THROUGH HER CRACK. OR SOMETHING.
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
Fat as Pat Butcher's dog...
Urgh.
HUGE meal monday. Man vs Food? Hah! That was a monster burger and a half.
So much so, we could barely concentrate on great fat Dhampyr's queefing Nazi commandant's to death.
Then yesterday, much, much quaffage of beverages of an intoxificatory nature with yet another huge curry.
Apart from The Xym's inevitable social faux pas, with an illegible FarceBook status update and the likelyhood of having offended yet another hot Pretty with many an lecherous compliment, I feel quite ill.
And now I can barely move or concentrate.
No more food.
Ever.
Urgh.
HUGE meal monday. Man vs Food? Hah! That was a monster burger and a half.
So much so, we could barely concentrate on great fat Dhampyr's queefing Nazi commandant's to death.
Then yesterday, much, much quaffage of beverages of an intoxificatory nature with yet another huge curry.
Apart from The Xym's inevitable social faux pas, with an illegible FarceBook status update and the likelyhood of having offended yet another hot Pretty with many an lecherous compliment, I feel quite ill.
And now I can barely move or concentrate.
No more food.
Ever.
Urgh.
Monday, 23 April 2012
They're fallin' down like a domino...
Walk like an Egyptian?
Walk like a complete twat, more like!
See, I was watching the live CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: (ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ, ΛD•VфΤΛΜ) DVD alast night, and I remembered something that really annoys me about live gigs.
Them gobshites what form human towers in the middle of the crowd. Usually quite near the front.
Now, some people will tell you that this is tradition, or an old charter, or something. But it's not. It's a pack of twats being an inconvenient collection of cunts.
These same dumbasses further complain when the live video is released. Why is such-and-such not on the recording? It were ace, that performance were.
It was probably excluded because YOUR GREAT FAT ARSE WAS BLOCKING THE CAMERA so it couldn't be used!
It doesn't occur to these selfish sweaty shirtless human pyramids that they're blocking the view of those behind with their behemoth behinds, not to mention inconveniencing the sensible standees by toppling onto them with their vast amounts of bare BO drenched pigflesh bellies.
I go to gigs to see a live band - not for my view to be obscured by the stench filled 'pits and sweaty cracks of fame hungry "look I'm on the DVD" types! Perhaps, next time, I should lurk someone underneath and take a lighter and torch their bum. A singeing should prevent further obfuscation of the artistes!
And they moan at people who complain they can't see. Why shouldn't we stand on top of each other? It's traditional! It's part of the experience!
No. It's partly you being a cunt, and another part of you being a right, fucking, selfish cunt.
They're clearly so far up themselves, they end up rising through each others arses to stand on the shoulders of their fellow fartknocking fudgepackers.
You can have your human towers - but have them right at the very back, so you can see over the top of everyone, and everyone else can see without your sweaty six-pack of burger buns spoiling the entertainment.
Any why is it always sweating topless greebo greaser blokes? I hear tell of these topless womens sat on their menfolks shoulders baring their busoms at their idols. I reckon that's a myth - does I ever get bare busomed babes bouncing onto me barnet and diverting my view from musicians to mammaries? No, it's just saggy moobs on sweaty porkers hogging the limelight and spoiling everyone's view.
Human pyramids my besthat fez!
Walk like a complete twat, more like!
See, I was watching the live CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: (ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ, ΛD•VфΤΛΜ) DVD alast night, and I remembered something that really annoys me about live gigs.
Them gobshites what form human towers in the middle of the crowd. Usually quite near the front.
Now, some people will tell you that this is tradition, or an old charter, or something. But it's not. It's a pack of twats being an inconvenient collection of cunts.
These same dumbasses further complain when the live video is released. Why is such-and-such not on the recording? It were ace, that performance were.
It was probably excluded because YOUR GREAT FAT ARSE WAS BLOCKING THE CAMERA so it couldn't be used!
It doesn't occur to these selfish sweaty shirtless human pyramids that they're blocking the view of those behind with their behemoth behinds, not to mention inconveniencing the sensible standees by toppling onto them with their vast amounts of bare BO drenched pigflesh bellies.
I go to gigs to see a live band - not for my view to be obscured by the stench filled 'pits and sweaty cracks of fame hungry "look I'm on the DVD" types! Perhaps, next time, I should lurk someone underneath and take a lighter and torch their bum. A singeing should prevent further obfuscation of the artistes!
And they moan at people who complain they can't see. Why shouldn't we stand on top of each other? It's traditional! It's part of the experience!
No. It's partly you being a cunt, and another part of you being a right, fucking, selfish cunt.
They're clearly so far up themselves, they end up rising through each others arses to stand on the shoulders of their fellow fartknocking fudgepackers.
You can have your human towers - but have them right at the very back, so you can see over the top of everyone, and everyone else can see without your sweaty six-pack of burger buns spoiling the entertainment.
Any why is it always sweating topless greebo greaser blokes? I hear tell of these topless womens sat on their menfolks shoulders baring their busoms at their idols. I reckon that's a myth - does I ever get bare busomed babes bouncing onto me barnet and diverting my view from musicians to mammaries? No, it's just saggy moobs on sweaty porkers hogging the limelight and spoiling everyone's view.
Human pyramids my best
Sunday, 22 April 2012
Incey Wincey Willis predicts a water drought...
Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!
Yea, ye ancientte onnes arise forre ye starres are right!
Although why content yourself with just 4 sacrificial lambs when you want to awaken to tear the Spheres asunder, I don't know.
But from one end of excellence depicting Redneck Zombie Torture Families (not to mention riffing upon many another classic), there is the other end.
An end with more eye opening incredulities of increasing disbelief that culminates in one of the more disturbing mental images to replace innocent teenage hand gestures.
To whit; The Rapey Spider.
You don't know Rapey Spider? Where you place one hand on top of t'other and crawl it about the table like, well, like a rapey spider, basically! Well, I'll never associate it with such innnocence again.
Not after watching Antfarm Dickhole.
Now, I watch a lot of shit. Me & my chums watch some of the most god-awful dreadful so-bad-they're-good films. Antfarm Dickhole is not the worst, but definately one of the most excruciatingly mental films I've seen since Peter Jackson's Bad Taste.
Words cannot begin to say how woefully awful the acting is - not to mention the appalling puns!
It's the tale of ANT-drew and ANT-ony (women are called ANT-oinette, ANT-Marie...) who are 30 somethings who are often bullied in the forest (don't ask). Now, after a somewhat lame punch from a passing bully, Antdrew is knocked unconscious. And as he lies comatose on the forest floor...
...a pack of army ants crawl up his leg, down his dickhole, and take up residence, nesting in his nutsack.
So, once he wakes up, he goes home, where his nudie girlfriend does a dance and gives him a blowie... only for him to jizz ants into her gob, which (during a rather elongated writing on the floor with maximum close up flange shots) end up reducing her to a pile of bones.
Passing out, he thinks it's all a dream... 'till he wakes up and sees the bones. Going for a walk, he's attacked by a bully, and the ants defend their nest. Thinking the bullies have put ants in his pants for a joke, he laughs as the 'joke' backfires, and the bully is et to death. In the park. In front of everyone.
So, he goes home and starts tossing himself off.
As you do.
Suddenly, a giant ant crawls out the top of his cock mid hand-shandy!
And so he takes his revenge. Primarily on the bullies girlfriends. Trapping one in a car, he shags the exhaust pipe to jizz ants into the car to kill the bitch (who somehow becomes totally naked during the attack). When another is in the shower (in her pants) he wanks thru the window and jizzes ants in to kill the showering slattern.
It gets worse.
Exactly why the reporters are all in bikinis, in the forest, with a tendancy to get nekkid quite a lot, I'm not sure. The same goes for the scientists investigating. Although Antdrew has to sunbathe fully clothed (because he's now so confident due to the ants in his pants), a bikini clad bint is sent in to seduce him so she can pour red ants down his nobend to neutralise the threat.
Not to mention running around/sitting/dozing in the public park with his cock hanging out. Nor the bit where the ants return to their nest with a banana, and it gets stuck halfway down his cock. And the Parkie only gives him a telling off for running about the park with his cock flapping about with a banana sticking out of it!
Exactly how the ants leave Antdrew and end up in his mates missus's minge is a bit vague, but Antony ends up a pile of bones after mingemunching his missus [Ant-onella]?
And then, for no reason at all, a woman heading for the shower is webbed up by a giant spider.
That rapes her.
Yes. You read that correctly. A giant spider spurts an improbably strong legs-held-wide-open quimshot web to tie her down, before mounting her missionary style and shagging her. And snogging her with it's mandibles.
The epilogue suggest she gives birth, for in the epilogue, a bullied teen spurts sticky stuff over a bully. Revenge of The Manspider.
Honestly, you ain't seen nothing till you've watched, open-mouthed in disbelief, a huge spider fucking a woman.
The mind veritably boggles!
Check out the quality:
Yea, ye ancientte onnes arise forre ye starres are right!
Although why content yourself with just 4 sacrificial lambs when you want to awaken to tear the Spheres asunder, I don't know.
But from one end of excellence depicting Redneck Zombie Torture Families (not to mention riffing upon many another classic), there is the other end.
An end with more eye opening incredulities of increasing disbelief that culminates in one of the more disturbing mental images to replace innocent teenage hand gestures.
To whit; The Rapey Spider.
You don't know Rapey Spider? Where you place one hand on top of t'other and crawl it about the table like, well, like a rapey spider, basically! Well, I'll never associate it with such innnocence again.
Not after watching Antfarm Dickhole.
Now, I watch a lot of shit. Me & my chums watch some of the most god-awful dreadful so-bad-they're-good films. Antfarm Dickhole is not the worst, but definately one of the most excruciatingly mental films I've seen since Peter Jackson's Bad Taste.
Words cannot begin to say how woefully awful the acting is - not to mention the appalling puns!
It's the tale of ANT-drew and ANT-ony (women are called ANT-oinette, ANT-Marie...) who are 30 somethings who are often bullied in the forest (don't ask). Now, after a somewhat lame punch from a passing bully, Antdrew is knocked unconscious. And as he lies comatose on the forest floor...
...a pack of army ants crawl up his leg, down his dickhole, and take up residence, nesting in his nutsack.
So, once he wakes up, he goes home, where his nudie girlfriend does a dance and gives him a blowie... only for him to jizz ants into her gob, which (during a rather elongated writing on the floor with maximum close up flange shots) end up reducing her to a pile of bones.
Passing out, he thinks it's all a dream... 'till he wakes up and sees the bones. Going for a walk, he's attacked by a bully, and the ants defend their nest. Thinking the bullies have put ants in his pants for a joke, he laughs as the 'joke' backfires, and the bully is et to death. In the park. In front of everyone.
So, he goes home and starts tossing himself off.
As you do.
Suddenly, a giant ant crawls out the top of his cock mid hand-shandy!
And so he takes his revenge. Primarily on the bullies girlfriends. Trapping one in a car, he shags the exhaust pipe to jizz ants into the car to kill the bitch (who somehow becomes totally naked during the attack). When another is in the shower (in her pants) he wanks thru the window and jizzes ants in to kill the showering slattern.
It gets worse.
Exactly why the reporters are all in bikinis, in the forest, with a tendancy to get nekkid quite a lot, I'm not sure. The same goes for the scientists investigating. Although Antdrew has to sunbathe fully clothed (because he's now so confident due to the ants in his pants), a bikini clad bint is sent in to seduce him so she can pour red ants down his nobend to neutralise the threat.
Not to mention running around/sitting/dozing in the public park with his cock hanging out. Nor the bit where the ants return to their nest with a banana, and it gets stuck halfway down his cock. And the Parkie only gives him a telling off for running about the park with his cock flapping about with a banana sticking out of it!
Exactly how the ants leave Antdrew and end up in his mates missus's minge is a bit vague, but Antony ends up a pile of bones after mingemunching his missus [Ant-onella]?
And then, for no reason at all, a woman heading for the shower is webbed up by a giant spider.
That rapes her.
Yes. You read that correctly. A giant spider spurts an improbably strong legs-held-wide-open quimshot web to tie her down, before mounting her missionary style and shagging her. And snogging her with it's mandibles.
The epilogue suggest she gives birth, for in the epilogue, a bullied teen spurts sticky stuff over a bully. Revenge of The Manspider.
Honestly, you ain't seen nothing till you've watched, open-mouthed in disbelief, a huge spider fucking a woman.
The mind veritably boggles!
Check out the quality:
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Olé olé, olé, olé...
...Xym, she's Hot, Hot, Hot!
A most enjoyable afternoonage with Carly Fearme Bottom, Gio From da potato possé in da hood, Kelso, Loki, Sexy Hexe and Frank Bruno.
Know wot I means 'arry!
In addition to Polish Pretties proffering posteriors to be patted, several Starbucks sirens from Xym's harem also made an appearance!
Plus some new Haremettes. Or concubines. Or whatever them Pretties in Harems are called.
Although the none-too subtle hints of "phoar, that birds hot Xym! Xym! Look! She's HOT! HOT!" in an effort to draw my attention to Pretties does go rather amiss, as the alleged "Pretty" now has a scowl of "don't perv at me you pervy perv perving away like a perverted pervert perving at Pretties" on her miseryarse face.
I think I'm going to have to buy one of them silent SpyCams, so I can create one of them there albums on FaceBook called "Harem" and store a collection of all my Pretties in photgenic photographical representation.
But then, would there be arguments over who appears in the album? What if Pretty A objects to Pretty B who, in turn, is well jel of Pretty C, whilst Pretty D is given a confidence boost at being recognised as a Pretty, whilst Pretty E takes offence at being called a Pretty and thinks it's pervy and demeaning to womens, whilst the gf/bf/husband/civil partneress of Pretty F takes exception to someone else looking at their bird and stabs me up!
And then someone would want me to rank¹ then in order, and then there's be arguments over who rates higher than who, and then it'll be all Snog, Marry, Avoid.
With The Xym getting 100% avoid.
¹ I SAID RANK!
A most enjoyable afternoonage with Carly Fearme Bottom, Gio From da potato possé in da hood, Kelso, Loki, Sexy Hexe and Frank Bruno.
Know wot I means 'arry!
In addition to Polish Pretties proffering posteriors to be patted, several Starbucks sirens from Xym's harem also made an appearance!
Plus some new Haremettes. Or concubines. Or whatever them Pretties in Harems are called.
Although the none-too subtle hints of "phoar, that birds hot Xym! Xym! Look! She's HOT! HOT!" in an effort to draw my attention to Pretties does go rather amiss, as the alleged "Pretty" now has a scowl of "don't perv at me you pervy perv perving away like a perverted pervert perving at Pretties" on her miseryarse face.
I think I'm going to have to buy one of them silent SpyCams, so I can create one of them there albums on FaceBook called "Harem" and store a collection of all my Pretties in photgenic photographical representation.
But then, would there be arguments over who appears in the album? What if Pretty A objects to Pretty B who, in turn, is well jel of Pretty C, whilst Pretty D is given a confidence boost at being recognised as a Pretty, whilst Pretty E takes offence at being called a Pretty and thinks it's pervy and demeaning to womens, whilst the gf/bf/husband/civil partneress of Pretty F takes exception to someone else looking at their bird and stabs me up!
And then someone would want me to rank¹ then in order, and then there's be arguments over who rates higher than who, and then it'll be all Snog, Marry, Avoid.
With The Xym getting 100% avoid.
¹ I SAID RANK!
Friday, 20 April 2012
Show us your cross...
..."FUCK OFF YA CUNT" said the nun!
Show us your cross... show us you're cross.. no...? Well, up yours pal!
See, there was a discussion goings on. One of them there Christians asked if there was a Christian Society at work, and of course it descended into questionable questionability!
Now, much has been made of the banning of crosses in the workplace.
For a start off, they're too big, and jam the revolving doors. Not to mention all the blood dripping off their wrists¹ into my vended coffee cup and despoiling my chocomilk.
Of course, I jest, for they're talking about wearing a miniature crucifix, emblazoned with a mutilated messiah², around their neck. Now, I'm not one for scripture, but I'm pretty sure That There Bible sez:
"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them."
So, unless Jesus was a very bad boy and went Downstairs, graven images (that's any physical replicated image of the subject) of heavenly Jesus are forbidden. So, by wearing one, you're endorsing the making of them, and therefore committing a sin. Not to mention bowing at the altar before a great big image of The Big J (Jessie J, or just a great big Jessie?).
So, even ignoring the fact that Christians should not be wearing the cross according to their religion, they get all uppity when told they can't wear it. But even if they were allowed to wear a mutilated Christ on a cross, dangling just above a grindey slashey mangley machine ready to catch it and pull them down to their doom, they get all up in arms³ complaining about Satanists wearing a pentacle with a desecrated Christ on it!
My bible must be incomplete. I can't find the verse that reads:
"I, the LORD thy God, am a jealous God. Although... thou knowest that the LORD is all, like, well jel and shit, yeah, like, forget the craven image bit, like, and, sorta, thou knowest, like, whizz up some bling wot looks like the LORD, yeah. Thou's like, gotta wear it, yeah,all the time or sumfink. Oh, and vajazzle thy minge with holy icons of the LORD. For, like, thou never know, yeah, the LORD might make a booty call, yeah, like what the LORD did with that bang tidy Mary. She was well up for it, and now Joseph thinks he's the dad, and the LORD is like, no way, she's my bitch an' shit, so he drags the LORD onto Jeremiah Kyle for "I thought I begat Jesus - now she says it might be Gods baby!" DNA testing, and the LORD is, like, whatevs, she just a ho I banged in a golden shower. She a right slag innit. Swear down man, fuck that shit and wear your bling at all times or the LORD will reign the vengeance of eternal fire, or a Tsnumani (oi, Noah and yet pet whale - like, build an ark, and I'll waive beastiality as a sin until ye waters subside). Or at least pop a cap in yo' ass."
Any why is it always Christian god-botherers who moan? BAN THAT SATANIST FILTH! SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED, WEARING A PENTACLE OF PROTECTION! The Satanists have images of The Devil! Lucifer himself, shagging a virgin! What? No, that's nothing like God shagging the virgin Mary! Satanist iconography is like Mick Hucknell shagging Susan Boyle. Our, decent, Christian faith is more like Johnny Depp (swoon) shagging the sweet, virginal Britney Spears behind Justin trousersnake's back... or Draco Malfoy, no - Hagrid humping Hermione Granger behing Ron Weasley's back!
Tell you what, let them Christians have their cross around their neck...
...as long as them Pagan pretties have to perform their skyclad Drawing Down Diana nudie rites in the office of a lunchtime... I'll happily join in with the fertilitying!
¹ ASSUMING THEY'VE GONE THE WHOLE HOG AND USED BIBLICALLY CORRECT NAILS, AND NOT THAT NEW-FANGLED NO-MORE-NAILS FROM B&Q.
² HOLES IN BOTH HANDS AND FEET, A GREAT RENT IN HIS SIDE FROM BEING STABBED UP BY LONGINUS'S OVERSIZED WEAPON, GREAT BLOODY STRIPEY WELTS ALL OVER HI BACK FROM THE LASHES, AND THORNY CUTS AND ABRASIONS ALL OVER HIS NOGGIN. HOW MUCH MORE MUTILATORY CAN YOU GET!
³ WELL, THEY WOULD, IF THEY COULD GET THEIR ARMS WEREN'T NAILED DOWN TO A COUPLE OF BITS OF MDF FROM HOMEBASE
Show us your cross... show us you're cross.. no...? Well, up yours pal!
See, there was a discussion goings on. One of them there Christians asked if there was a Christian Society at work, and of course it descended into questionable questionability!
Now, much has been made of the banning of crosses in the workplace.
For a start off, they're too big, and jam the revolving doors. Not to mention all the blood dripping off their wrists¹ into my vended coffee cup and despoiling my chocomilk.
Of course, I jest, for they're talking about wearing a miniature crucifix, emblazoned with a mutilated messiah², around their neck. Now, I'm not one for scripture, but I'm pretty sure That There Bible sez:
"Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of any thing that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth:Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them."
So, unless Jesus was a very bad boy and went Downstairs, graven images (that's any physical replicated image of the subject) of heavenly Jesus are forbidden. So, by wearing one, you're endorsing the making of them, and therefore committing a sin. Not to mention bowing at the altar before a great big image of The Big J (Jessie J, or just a great big Jessie?).
So, even ignoring the fact that Christians should not be wearing the cross according to their religion, they get all uppity when told they can't wear it. But even if they were allowed to wear a mutilated Christ on a cross, dangling just above a grindey slashey mangley machine ready to catch it and pull them down to their doom, they get all up in arms³ complaining about Satanists wearing a pentacle with a desecrated Christ on it!
My bible must be incomplete. I can't find the verse that reads:
"I, the LORD thy God, am a jealous God. Although... thou knowest that the LORD is all, like, well jel and shit, yeah, like, forget the craven image bit, like, and, sorta, thou knowest, like, whizz up some bling wot looks like the LORD, yeah. Thou's like, gotta wear it, yeah,all the time or sumfink. Oh, and vajazzle thy minge with holy icons of the LORD. For, like, thou never know, yeah, the LORD might make a booty call, yeah, like what the LORD did with that bang tidy Mary. She was well up for it, and now Joseph thinks he's the dad, and the LORD is like, no way, she's my bitch an' shit, so he drags the LORD onto Jeremiah Kyle for "I thought I begat Jesus - now she says it might be Gods baby!" DNA testing, and the LORD is, like, whatevs, she just a ho I banged in a golden shower. She a right slag innit. Swear down man, fuck that shit and wear your bling at all times or the LORD will reign the vengeance of eternal fire, or a Tsnumani (oi, Noah and yet pet whale - like, build an ark, and I'll waive beastiality as a sin until ye waters subside). Or at least pop a cap in yo' ass."
Any why is it always Christian god-botherers who moan? BAN THAT SATANIST FILTH! SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED, WEARING A PENTACLE OF PROTECTION! The Satanists have images of The Devil! Lucifer himself, shagging a virgin! What? No, that's nothing like God shagging the virgin Mary! Satanist iconography is like Mick Hucknell shagging Susan Boyle. Our, decent, Christian faith is more like Johnny Depp (swoon) shagging the sweet, virginal Britney Spears behind Justin trousersnake's back... or Draco Malfoy, no - Hagrid humping Hermione Granger behing Ron Weasley's back!
Tell you what, let them Christians have their cross around their neck...
...as long as them Pagan pretties have to perform their skyclad Drawing Down Diana nudie rites in the office of a lunchtime... I'll happily join in with the fertilitying!
¹ ASSUMING THEY'VE GONE THE WHOLE HOG AND USED BIBLICALLY CORRECT NAILS, AND NOT THAT NEW-FANGLED NO-MORE-NAILS FROM B&Q.
² HOLES IN BOTH HANDS AND FEET, A GREAT RENT IN HIS SIDE FROM BEING STABBED UP BY LONGINUS'S OVERSIZED WEAPON, GREAT BLOODY STRIPEY WELTS ALL OVER HI BACK FROM THE LASHES, AND THORNY CUTS AND ABRASIONS ALL OVER HIS NOGGIN. HOW MUCH MORE MUTILATORY CAN YOU GET!
³ WELL, THEY WOULD, IF THEY COULD GET THEIR ARMS WEREN'T NAILED DOWN TO A COUPLE OF BITS OF MDF FROM HOMEBASE
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Time waits for Norman...
Dagnimmitynammit!
There has not no blogitude for a week, for I has been immersed in diverse activites, including a spectacular new item for the blog.
Alas, it's taking, like, a million years!
And I finished phase one last night... and it's too bimmin' big to save into a blog!
So, back the the drawing board.
On the downside, whilst I go back and re-visit (or, more likely, abandon) my improbable achievement, I'll be returning to enthrall you with tales of derring-do.
Or doggie-do.
or something.
But not today, for there is a most depressive list of woeful entanglements to catch-up upon, incorporating, but not limited to, Pedrolian cancelment, the inadvertent upsetting of Sexy Hexe, emergency reschedulement of barnet trimmage due to surprise celebratory curry (and therefore inconveniencing the sexy Sweeney Toddette), the tuttage of finger pointy OAPs behind the wheel at gardeners, the replacement of the BarBabe with Trollzilla (who had more of a balcony than a shelf - actually, more like a dishevelled bean bag dropped into a vat of lard), yet another free banquet awarded, and the representation of Holland by a bike, 2 plants, a pacman , a cherry and a white flag.
Not to mention the luring of The Xym back out to The Whatacunt with the promise of a myriad of Pretties.
Braving the threat of being knifed up by gaychavs, The Xym scaredy catly ventured out for Britpoppin'... and instead of being hit by gaychavs, once again he's being hit on by gaychavs!
And what's worse is the promised proliferation of Pretties was like finding you need holes in Giant Haystacks knackersack, being as there was a shortage of sexy sirens sashaying about.
FoxyRockChick: "What about her, she's Hot!"
The Xym: "Look, she's with him."
FoxyRockChick: "No, they're just friends"
The Xym: "No, they're an item"
FoxyRockChick: "Trust me - I'm a women. We womens know these things. Notice the body language"
The Xym: "yeah, it tells me they're a couple"
FoxyRockChick: "Trust me. You're a man. You don't understand these things. They're friends. Nothing more. I'd stake my life on it"
The Xym: "I still think you're wrong"
FoxyRockChick: "Nope. Friends. Definately."
*turns around to see Man stroking Hottie's ass as they eat each others faces against the wall*
See - The Xym knows the way of it!
Womens intuition my besthat floral Lisa Bonét!
There has not no blogitude for a week, for I has been immersed in diverse activites, including a spectacular new item for the blog.
Alas, it's taking, like, a million years!
And I finished phase one last night... and it's too bimmin' big to save into a blog!
So, back the the drawing board.
On the downside, whilst I go back and re-visit (or, more likely, abandon) my improbable achievement, I'll be returning to enthrall you with tales of derring-do.
Or doggie-do.
or something.
But not today, for there is a most depressive list of woeful entanglements to catch-up upon, incorporating, but not limited to, Pedrolian cancelment, the inadvertent upsetting of Sexy Hexe, emergency reschedulement of barnet trimmage due to surprise celebratory curry (and therefore inconveniencing the sexy Sweeney Toddette), the tuttage of finger pointy OAPs behind the wheel at gardeners, the replacement of the BarBabe with Trollzilla (who had more of a balcony than a shelf - actually, more like a dishevelled bean bag dropped into a vat of lard), yet another free banquet awarded, and the representation of Holland by a bike, 2 plants, a pacman , a cherry and a white flag.
Not to mention the luring of The Xym back out to The Whatacunt with the promise of a myriad of Pretties.
Braving the threat of being knifed up by gaychavs, The Xym scaredy catly ventured out for Britpoppin'... and instead of being hit by gaychavs, once again he's being hit on by gaychavs!
And what's worse is the promised proliferation of Pretties was like finding you need holes in Giant Haystacks knackersack, being as there was a shortage of sexy sirens sashaying about.
FoxyRockChick: "What about her, she's Hot!"
The Xym: "Look, she's with him."
FoxyRockChick: "No, they're just friends"
The Xym: "No, they're an item"
FoxyRockChick: "Trust me - I'm a women. We womens know these things. Notice the body language"
The Xym: "yeah, it tells me they're a couple"
FoxyRockChick: "Trust me. You're a man. You don't understand these things. They're friends. Nothing more. I'd stake my life on it"
The Xym: "I still think you're wrong"
FoxyRockChick: "Nope. Friends. Definately."
*turns around to see Man stroking Hottie's ass as they eat each others faces against the wall*
See - The Xym knows the way of it!
Womens intuition my best
Thursday, 12 April 2012
Hot sticky jeans, a T-Shirt that mings...
... on a chavscum yob with many chins
We' ve been waitin'
for him
to shift arse
Open the door,
and let us get out!
We' ve been waitin'
for him
to shift arse
Open the door,
and let us get out!
Yes, here comes The Rain!
But not upon selfish work-shy greasy haired Jeremy Kyle job-dodger types!
Oh no Sirree!!
You know, I think The Xym is going to have to shed his quiet, polite, chivalrous demeanour and become one of them there self-centred scumbags who despoil the City Centre with their unmannerly presense!
Seems if you're a rude, arrogant, cuntfuck of a benefit cheat, then it gives you free reign to be as obnoxious as possible and not only bag yerself shabby chic chav chicks, but also to take the Moral High Ground as a paragon of virtue deriding the etiquette of others as being either Gay or "just fookin' rood yer fookin' shit".
Why is it that a tiny bit of spray from the skies makes neanderthal yobs afear'd? OK, judging by the lack of Lynx allowing the fœtid stend to rise from their 'pits to assail the nostrils and return to curl around their lank, lard drenched hair of tangled greasy fronds, I guess the lack of soapy scent indicates aquaphobia.
Hence the huddling from God's Piss From Above.
So, a-quaking in their decaying boots from the possibility of water washing off their ingrained pheremonial BO, do these gormsters go indoors and look around the shops?
No. They stand right in the shop entrance/exits.
Right in front of the door.
Blocking it with their great fat fairy-arsed vast gut so no-one can get in or out.
Gawping into the sky. Probably because they've never seen a shower before.
And then, when someone inside opens the door to come out, the podgy portal preventer berates the exitees for lacking good manners and decency!
These cretins won't allow people in or out, causing a fire hazard, and then assault the populace citing a lack of poor politeness!
Exsqueegy me! I thought it was bad manners to stand in front of a closed door, refusing to move so people inside can't open it, let alone berating them for trying get out of a shop by opening a door that some selfish dole scrounger has deliberately blocked!
So, no more Chivalrous Xym genteely escorting home Ladies In Distress in gentlemanly conduct. No more Please, Thank You or Excuse Me's. No more holding doors open for Pretties to pass through first.
No - it's gonna be Fuck You Bitch! Shift Yo' Fat Ass, Ho! Git The Fuck Outta My Way, Cuntfucker! I'm going to walk on the RIGHT instead of the etiquettorially correct left, and anyone who walks towards me can just get THE FUCK out of my way!
Then, maybe, The Xym will fit in, and not only avoid knifings up, but also pull loads of them Pretties. Because, as all the worlds knows, womens only like bastards.
Right fucking bastards!
Right fucking ignorant arrogant rude obnoxious bastards at that!
Wednesday, 11 April 2012
The Lady In Red, has left in defeat...
Nooo!
The last of the totty Triumvirate hath gone!
Although she was vasty improved on the aftershow (unlike Polish Pretties who have taken to suddenly masking their visage in the long black tendrils of their coiffure when encountering The Xym outside Shamansburys, so he cannot gaze upon their beauty. Presumably, there's a case of Gorgonitis or Sadako eyedeath going on. Or Pretties just want to hide from The Xym)
Now I has to find New Pretty amongst the harpies what're left (although I'd rather be in amongst hairpie, than harpies!)
Looks like I'll have to make do with Blake's 7 namesake "laceytights shrewvoice" .
or something.
Oh well, big arse can't be jew sauce.
Or so they say.
The last of the totty Triumvirate hath gone!
Although she was vasty improved on the aftershow (unlike Polish Pretties who have taken to suddenly masking their visage in the long black tendrils of their coiffure when encountering The Xym outside Shamansburys, so he cannot gaze upon their beauty. Presumably, there's a case of Gorgonitis or Sadako eyedeath going on. Or Pretties just want to hide from The Xym)
Now I has to find New Pretty amongst the harpies what're left (although I'd rather be in amongst hairpie, than harpies!)
Looks like I'll have to make do with Blake's 7 namesake "laceytights shrewvoice" .
or something.
Oh well, big arse can't be jew sauce.
Or so they say.
Tuesday, 10 April 2012
If you wanna drink mah cider, you gotta wait for an age...
Emergency impromptu pub trip!
But what's this - a singularity of underage barbloke, nervously taking his time with a throng of peoples getting more parched by the second...
And hold on - I've taxi's up here at great expense to imbibe in intoxicating inebriating beverages free of charge, and I just remembereds that prized pints cannot be taken on a Tuesday!
And here come mah bitches - shall we stay, or should we go? We'll blag it!
Gets to the bar... and eventually gets served.
Oh, they've lost the records of gratis quaffage!
Sit and wait...
...and wait...
...and wait...
Oh, now there's excitement! A brewing in the brewery of fisticuffs over calcified cheese upon unsliceable steak! More consternation as other tables fodder takes a turn for the worse and much grumbings begin!
Ah - a secondary barbloke has appeared to appease the petulant porker whilst the barboy quells a family of disgruntled feasters. Much shoutage and actual finger wagging in the face! Demands of refunds ensue!
And we're still waiting to see if we can blag our free tankards of mead on a forbidden Tuesday!
Eventually, without resorting to implementing the Battle Royale Act, sorry - Hunger Games, the ravenous rebellion is quashed, and there is much stropping off.
Although I've preferred a bit more stripping off if the BarBabe was on duty (and hadn't apparently quit due to being leered at by The Xym)
And yay! We eventually gets a throatal drenching, whilst engaging in telephonic illustrative shennanigans.
And a final resolution to return for one last challenge before Rammstein Boy leaves to serve intoxicated Pretties in Corfu.
Which means we might get the BarBabe back! (although vowing that next week is deffo another Last Visit to the short-staffed, slow-paced, devoid of atmosphere venue somewhat voids any prospect of ogling up The Barbabe)
But what's this - a singularity of underage barbloke, nervously taking his time with a throng of peoples getting more parched by the second...
And hold on - I've taxi's up here at great expense to imbibe in intoxicating inebriating beverages free of charge, and I just remembereds that prized pints cannot be taken on a Tuesday!
And here come mah bitches - shall we stay, or should we go? We'll blag it!
Gets to the bar... and eventually gets served.
Oh, they've lost the records of gratis quaffage!
Sit and wait...
...and wait...
...and wait...
Oh, now there's excitement! A brewing in the brewery of fisticuffs over calcified cheese upon unsliceable steak! More consternation as other tables fodder takes a turn for the worse and much grumbings begin!
Ah - a secondary barbloke has appeared to appease the petulant porker whilst the barboy quells a family of disgruntled feasters. Much shoutage and actual finger wagging in the face! Demands of refunds ensue!
And we're still waiting to see if we can blag our free tankards of mead on a forbidden Tuesday!
Eventually, without resorting to implementing the Battle Royale Act, sorry - Hunger Games, the ravenous rebellion is quashed, and there is much stropping off.
Although I've preferred a bit more stripping off if the BarBabe was on duty (and hadn't apparently quit due to being leered at by The Xym)
And yay! We eventually gets a throatal drenching, whilst engaging in telephonic illustrative shennanigans.
And a final resolution to return for one last challenge before Rammstein Boy leaves to serve intoxicated Pretties in Corfu.
Which means we might get the BarBabe back! (although vowing that next week is deffo another Last Visit to the short-staffed, slow-paced, devoid of atmosphere venue somewhat voids any prospect of ogling up The Barbabe)
Monday, 9 April 2012
What's she gonna look like with a chimney on her...
I don't know many Indonisian womens, but surely they can't be that ugly!
Now, normally The Xym would bang on about how he'd have them Indonesian Pretties going spare if them Indonsian blokes didn't want 'em, but he's too short, fat & ugly with no personality, etc. But not today. For today has a Serious Face on. Couched in the usual outlandish prose to mask the sick horror within, perhaps, but not the usual overexaggerated preposterous outlandishness of frivolity. So the Xym apologises in advance for the following entry.
I don't know many Indonisian womens, but surely they can't be that ugly!
Not ugly enough to turn their menfolk to primate prostitution.
For it would seem there is a market for shaved orangutans in Indonisian brothels.
While this may appeal to those of the Wayne Rooney grannyshagging persuasion, there's something wrong if you feel the need to visit a brothel to get a shaved simian streetwalker.
Any Which Way But WRONG!
Did Clint Eastwood and Sondra Locke take a razor to Clyde and hire him out as a rent boy? Of course not! Everyone loves orangey orangutans - just not in THAT way. Unless you're some indonesian beastiality perv.
One can only hope these long limbed 'ladies' of the night take exception to being trafficked in the sex trade, rip the heads of their punters and shove 'em up the chimney of their Rue-the-day Mud Hut Morgue.
Link: The Petition Site.com - Stop Using Orangutans As Prostitutes
Now, normally The Xym would bang on about how he'd have them Indonesian Pretties going spare if them Indonsian blokes didn't want 'em, but he's too short, fat & ugly with no personality, etc. But not today. For today has a Serious Face on. Couched in the usual outlandish prose to mask the sick horror within, perhaps, but not the usual overexaggerated preposterous outlandishness of frivolity. So the Xym apologises in advance for the following entry.
I don't know many Indonisian womens, but surely they can't be that ugly!
Not ugly enough to turn their menfolk to primate prostitution.
For it would seem there is a market for shaved orangutans in Indonisian brothels.
While this may appeal to those of the Wayne Rooney grannyshagging persuasion, there's something wrong if you feel the need to visit a brothel to get a shaved simian streetwalker.
Any Which Way But WRONG!
Did Clint Eastwood and Sondra Locke take a razor to Clyde and hire him out as a rent boy? Of course not! Everyone loves orangey orangutans - just not in THAT way. Unless you're some indonesian beastiality perv.
One can only hope these long limbed 'ladies' of the night take exception to being trafficked in the sex trade, rip the heads of their punters and shove 'em up the chimney of their Rue-the-day Mud Hut Morgue.
Link: The Petition Site.com - Stop Using Orangutans As Prostitutes
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Dawn of the egg...
Happy Zombie Saviour day!
And in celebration of the work-shy carpenter being reanimated in ressurrection to have his hole fingered by Thomas (who is somewhat doubtful about the whole Fingering Jesus thing), I shall be cracking open crème egg craniums and feasting on the fondant 'brains' within.
As you do!
Alas, Norfolk is bereft of tombs with diminutive entry points the size of crème eggs, let alone the aforementioned crème eggs being heavy enough to impede the exit of a shambling saviour lurching forth, as they will easily roll aside.
Unless, of course, the yummy fondant filling is weighted at the base, like a weeble wobbling bit never falling down! Then, as they try to rise from the crypt, they'd push the stone/egg aside, but it would instantly right itself. Returning to it's upright position and giving any undead menace a good biff in the face, tumbling them back into their tomb and savign our brains from being et.
Take it away Rebecca Black!
Fried Eggs!
¹ BUT NOT IN THE ORIGINAL PAGAN ÉOSTRE FERTILITY RITE SHAGGAGE SENSE, BEFORE THEM CHRISTIANS TRIED TO SMOTHER IT WITH 'EASTER' - THE FESTIVAL OF REAMINATORY UNDEAD MURDERED MENACE, WHERE CHRISTIANS DON'T EAT YOUR BRAINS, THEY JUST REMOVE THEM IN SOME SORT OF CULTISH BRAINWASHING.
And in celebration of the work-shy carpenter being reanimated in ressurrection to have his hole fingered by Thomas (who is somewhat doubtful about the whole Fingering Jesus thing), I shall be cracking open crème egg craniums and feasting on the fondant 'brains' within.
As you do!
Alas, Norfolk is bereft of tombs with diminutive entry points the size of crème eggs, let alone the aforementioned crème eggs being heavy enough to impede the exit of a shambling saviour lurching forth, as they will easily roll aside.
Unless, of course, the yummy fondant filling is weighted at the base, like a weeble wobbling bit never falling down! Then, as they try to rise from the crypt, they'd push the stone/egg aside, but it would instantly right itself. Returning to it's upright position and giving any undead menace a good biff in the face, tumbling them back into their tomb and savign our brains from being et.
Take it away Rebecca Black!
Fried Eggs!
Fried Eggs!
Sausage, Bacon and fried eggs!
Everybody wants a fryup at the weekend, weekend
Boiled Eggs!
Boiled Eggs!
Painted faces on boiled eggs!
Oh fuck you Becky Black¹ and just give me a load of chocolate eggy goodness!
¹ BUT NOT IN THE ORIGINAL PAGAN ÉOSTRE FERTILITY RITE SHAGGAGE SENSE, BEFORE THEM CHRISTIANS TRIED TO SMOTHER IT WITH 'EASTER' - THE FESTIVAL OF REAMINATORY UNDEAD MURDERED MENACE, WHERE CHRISTIANS DON'T EAT YOUR BRAINS, THEY JUST REMOVE THEM IN SOME SORT OF CULTISH BRAINWASHING.
Saturday, 7 April 2012
Mucky paw prints of the Land Of Stench...
Goodly grief! Yesterdays foraging foray for fruity buns of torture fled my mind, for said mind was filled with aromatherapical outrage!
Now, On Thursday, I went out to Pedros for a slap up nosh. Before feasting upon chicken & chili stack, there was quaffage at the Goats and Whorsie's.
During the consumption of inebriating beverage, the candyflossal perfumeries arising from The Xym resulted in this somewhat confusatory of compliments:
"You smell really pretty - like a hippy who's washed!"
Which is somewhat disconcerting! A hippy? Hippo, more like!
Anyhoo, following on from the fragrant flirtation, there's The Xym in the Waterstones, where a bevvy of babes are all a-gathered within the factual arena. From the gaggle of giggly girlyness comes another obscure odour reference.
"He smells like pickles!"
Hold up - from a pretty washed hippy to a somewhat Sarseny Xym! Unless the fug of Pedros has lodged in me barnet, and they're mistaking the mexican miasma for lime pickle. Or mistaking Mexican for Indian, and comparing XymStench to Eric Pickles.
So, it would seem my ambrosial aroma is a combination of a hippo and Eric 'Over-Rotund' Pickles.
If anything, judging my the trip to the Euromarket, I should be assailing the nostrils with a pomade of peppery
potato parfum, due to partaking of germanic BBQ side disheries.
And there was me thinking I smelled all full of Pretty pant-dampeningly aromatic allure.
Guess The Xym's just a sweaty ole hog!
Now, On Thursday, I went out to Pedros for a slap up nosh. Before feasting upon chicken & chili stack, there was quaffage at the Goats and Whorsie's.
During the consumption of inebriating beverage, the candyflossal perfumeries arising from The Xym resulted in this somewhat confusatory of compliments:
"You smell really pretty - like a hippy who's washed!"
Which is somewhat disconcerting! A hippy? Hippo, more like!
Anyhoo, following on from the fragrant flirtation, there's The Xym in the Waterstones, where a bevvy of babes are all a-gathered within the factual arena. From the gaggle of giggly girlyness comes another obscure odour reference.
"He smells like pickles!"
Hold up - from a pretty washed hippy to a somewhat Sarseny Xym! Unless the fug of Pedros has lodged in me barnet, and they're mistaking the mexican miasma for lime pickle. Or mistaking Mexican for Indian, and comparing XymStench to Eric Pickles.
So, it would seem my ambrosial aroma is a combination of a hippo and Eric 'Over-Rotund' Pickles.
If anything, judging my the trip to the Euromarket, I should be assailing the nostrils with a pomade of peppery
potato parfum, due to partaking of germanic BBQ side disheries.
And there was me thinking I smelled all full of Pretty pant-dampeningly aromatic allure.
Guess The Xym's just a sweaty ole hog!
Friday, 6 April 2012
Wanna Penny - 2 eared Penny...
Happy Nail Up A Messiah Day!
And in celebration of that dirty great Centurion Longinus poking preachers with his oversized weapon whilst the illegitimate son of Mary &Joseph God the Adulterer hangs immobilized like a pin-up prophet in his underpants, I shall be a-feasting on fruity buns embossed with emblems of symbolic torture.
As you do!
Alas, Norfolk is as flat as one of them Pancake Tuesdays, so lacking a Golgotha mount, I'll have to trek to the top of Mousehold Heath where that plaque overlooks the city, and consume my curranty crucifictional representation from On High.
Take it away, Rebecca Black!
Friday!
And in celebration of that dirty great Centurion Longinus poking preachers with his oversized weapon whilst the illegitimate son of Mary &
As you do!
Alas, Norfolk is as flat as one of them Pancake Tuesdays, so lacking a Golgotha mount, I'll have to trek to the top of Mousehold Heath where that plaque overlooks the city, and consume my curranty crucifictional representation from On High.
Take it away, Rebecca Black!
Friday!
Friday!
Crucify Christ on Friday!
Everybody's looking forward to the weekend, weekend
Sunday!
Sunday!
Gonna rise up on Sunday!
Everybody's looking forward to the weekend!
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
I'm trying to keep my new hairdo dry...
There are some who believe the April Fuel's Day jape that HMV are blacking out all products with anything Christian on the cover.
Yay! Less offensive Religious Figures and more of those unoffensive Nudie Huge-Chested Bra-Busting Bikini Zombie Japanese Schoolgirl Nympho Ninja Chanbara Strippers Covered In Guts And Gore. or something.
But HMV do appear to have prohibited the stockage of mystical bollocks.
For, like the now legendary MoreTh>n Hairnet, I have been hunting high and low in all the HMVs for a copy of Silent Hill Downpour, for I has a £20 credit to use in-store.
Downpour I got, in the deluge from the heavens!
But not spooky suspensefulness, for it seems HMV are not a-stocking scary supernatural stuff of a fogbound nature.
Five days I've tramped through the drizzle, seeking out both shops.
Not a sausage.
Which is a good thing, as I wasn't looking for sausages, but the mound of Silencio.
Still, it's an excuse for a leer at Cam in the HMV opposite the market.
On top of that, ALL my umbrollies have upped and had it away on their metaphysical equivalent of water repellant toes.
And my JCL isn't compiling into OPC because they've moved it into Endevor and 'Someone' forgot to compile their changes, so I have to re-do all their recompiles to get my 1 job to work, and they have a milllion (well, 15 or so) sets of JCL in at least 2 different stages.
And I'm being nagged to do that thing I already did, but it didn't register, so now I gots to do it all again, and I have Other Priorities. Naggity nag nag nag!
And everyone's picking on me! Here, there, everywhere - pickety pick pick pick!
But at least I'm not under threat of being stabbed up now (coz I won't go out no more, for feat of homo-chave knifings).
But on the plus side, I've just scoffed the best treacle tart ever!
I'd prefer a tart covered in treacle, but you can't have your cake and eat it.
Which makes the possession of cake redundant, as the whole point of having your cake is to eat it. Not have your cake and sit staring at it as it goes all mouldy, spewing out maggoty worms before calcifying into a cake shaped rock sufficient only for the Mythbusters to fire out of a rocket.
Although, as creampies go, I'd rather fire my rocket up gothic romantic Mythbuster Byron!
Yay! Less offensive Religious Figures and more of those unoffensive Nudie Huge-Chested Bra-Busting Bikini Zombie Japanese Schoolgirl Nympho Ninja Chanbara Strippers Covered In Guts And Gore. or something.
But HMV do appear to have prohibited the stockage of mystical bollocks.
For, like the now legendary MoreTh>n Hairnet, I have been hunting high and low in all the HMVs for a copy of Silent Hill Downpour, for I has a £20 credit to use in-store.
Downpour I got, in the deluge from the heavens!
But not spooky suspensefulness, for it seems HMV are not a-stocking scary supernatural stuff of a fogbound nature.
Five days I've tramped through the drizzle, seeking out both shops.
Not a sausage.
Which is a good thing, as I wasn't looking for sausages, but the mound of Silencio.
Still, it's an excuse for a leer at Cam in the HMV opposite the market.
On top of that, ALL my umbrollies have upped and had it away on their metaphysical equivalent of water repellant toes.
And my JCL isn't compiling into OPC because they've moved it into Endevor and 'Someone' forgot to compile their changes, so I have to re-do all their recompiles to get my 1 job to work, and they have a milllion (well, 15 or so) sets of JCL in at least 2 different stages.
And I'm being nagged to do that thing I already did, but it didn't register, so now I gots to do it all again, and I have Other Priorities. Naggity nag nag nag!
And everyone's picking on me! Here, there, everywhere - pickety pick pick pick!
But at least I'm not under threat of being stabbed up now (coz I won't go out no more, for feat of homo-chave knifings).
But on the plus side, I've just scoffed the best treacle tart ever!
I'd prefer a tart covered in treacle, but you can't have your cake and eat it.
Which makes the possession of cake redundant, as the whole point of having your cake is to eat it. Not have your cake and sit staring at it as it goes all mouldy, spewing out maggoty worms before calcifying into a cake shaped rock sufficient only for the Mythbusters to fire out of a rocket.
Although, as creampies go, I'd rather fire my rocket up gothic romantic Mythbuster Byron!
Tuesday, 3 April 2012
Em, I see Kay¹. Eeee, why?
I don't know!
Accidental path crossage and she be EVERYWHERE! And she mentioned to another Pretty that she saw the Xym on Escort Duties and got all Well Jel!
Pop in that shop - Spooky simulcra of the sexy siren!
Watch that tellyshow - oh, she looks like her!
Watch that filum - crickey, she's a dead ringer for her!
Stick a Blu-Ray on - feck me! It's HER! Literally, it's HER!!
Dammit - identikit clones of a Pretty all over the shop, and narry an obligatory nudie shower scene to ogle her brazenly bared norks in between 'em!
And I wouldn't mind being between 'em!
Not that I would, because it's HER.
And I DON'T fancy Her.
Do I?
No!
Wait a minute Xym... you fancy ALL the Pretties, you lecherous lump o'lard!
Oh yeah!
Doesn't mean I fancy Her, or anything.
So stop talking about Her then!
Was I? Was I really?
Nah.
I fancy YOU, my Prettiest Pretty² of all!
Lets go to Paris.
Disneyland, Paris, that is!
Or Alton Towers.
Or Pleasurewood Hills.
Fuck it - let's go see Jessie J up the showground.
Mwah, mwah, much love, hugs & snoggage.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
¹ NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ANY SIMARLY SOUNDING EMMA OR KAYBABE - USED PURELY FOR ONOMATOPEIC PURPOSES ONLY - IE M-I-C-K-E-Y, AS IN MICKEY MOUSE!
² AND NOT THAT OTHER HAG-FACED TOAD-BITCH³. SHE DOESN'T EVEN HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU. AND IF SHE DID HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU, I'M NOT HAVING SOME SLAG TORCHING MY PRETTIES WITH WAXEN TALLOW, SO SHE'D GET A RIGHT SEEING TO. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
³ NOT THE BABE WHO'S THE SUBJECT OF THIS MISSIVE. THE TROUT-FACED FISHWIFE THAT, IF YOU POINTED IT OUT IN A PHOTO AND ASKED IF IT WAS PRETTY AND I SAID YES, WOULD RIGHT ROYALLY PISS YOU OFF FOR FINDING 'THAT' ATTRACTIVE. DESPITE 'THAT' HOLDING A CANDLE TO MY NETHER-REGIONS AND FORCING ME UNDER TORTURE TO CLAIM THE TROLL WAS ONE HOT DAME.
Accidental path crossage and she be EVERYWHERE! And she mentioned to another Pretty that she saw the Xym on Escort Duties and got all Well Jel!
Pop in that shop - Spooky simulcra of the sexy siren!
Watch that tellyshow - oh, she looks like her!
Watch that filum - crickey, she's a dead ringer for her!
Stick a Blu-Ray on - feck me! It's HER! Literally, it's HER!!
Dammit - identikit clones of a Pretty all over the shop, and narry an obligatory nudie shower scene to ogle her brazenly bared norks in between 'em!
And I wouldn't mind being between 'em!
Not that I would, because it's HER.
And I DON'T fancy Her.
Do I?
No!
Wait a minute Xym... you fancy ALL the Pretties, you lecherous lump o'lard!
Oh yeah!
Doesn't mean I fancy Her, or anything.
So stop talking about Her then!
Was I? Was I really?
Nah.
I fancy YOU, my Prettiest Pretty² of all!
Lets go to Paris.
Disneyland, Paris, that is!
Or Alton Towers.
Or Pleasurewood Hills.
Fuck it - let's go see Jessie J up the showground.
Mwah, mwah, much love, hugs & snoggage.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
¹ NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH ANY SIMARLY SOUNDING EMMA OR KAYBABE - USED PURELY FOR ONOMATOPEIC PURPOSES ONLY - IE M-I-C-K-E-Y, AS IN MICKEY MOUSE!
² AND NOT THAT OTHER HAG-FACED TOAD-BITCH³. SHE DOESN'T EVEN HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU. AND IF SHE DID HOLD A CANDLE TO YOU, I'M NOT HAVING SOME SLAG TORCHING MY PRETTIES WITH WAXEN TALLOW, SO SHE'D GET A RIGHT SEEING TO. IN MORE WAYS THAN ONE.
³ NOT THE BABE WHO'S THE SUBJECT OF THIS MISSIVE. THE TROUT-FACED FISHWIFE THAT, IF YOU POINTED IT OUT IN A PHOTO AND ASKED IF IT WAS PRETTY AND I SAID YES, WOULD RIGHT ROYALLY PISS YOU OFF FOR FINDING 'THAT' ATTRACTIVE. DESPITE 'THAT' HOLDING A CANDLE TO MY NETHER-REGIONS AND FORCING ME UNDER TORTURE TO CLAIM THE TROLL WAS ONE HOT DAME.
Monday, 2 April 2012
Xym's list of exciting stuff (Apr '12)...
A list of upcoming stuffs what The Xym is sort-of looking forward to. Maybe next month, I'll start adding in reviews of stuff moved into the Last Month section (and what I couldn't be arsed with)
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Mirror, Mirror Julia Robers does Snow White (latest rescheduled date) |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Iron Sky In 1945, Nazis escaped to the moon... Now, they are planning their return! |
| 05 Apr 2012 | Titanic 3D Oh, fuck off Cameron. Fuck right off. Just take you fuck-offness and add extended fuck-offery with a side order of fucking fuck off and die. I don't mind Titanic - I mean, I has it on (either DVD or Blu-Ray) but no way am I sitting in a cinema for 4 hours just to watch Kate Winslett's norkitude in 3D. Not to mention the caterwauling of bloody Celine Dion. Titanic 3D indeed! Jesus Christ almighty. |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Battleship Transformery space monsters terrorise a Battleship on the high seas |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Cabin In The Woods |
| 20 Apr 2012 | Lockout Silly Escape From New York In Space type prison premise. |
| 27 Apr 2012 | Avengers Assemble Release date brought back forward AND RENAMED! Not The Avengers now, but Avengers Assemble. And it would seem Iron Man villain Fin Fang Foom is the big bad nasty - see the end clip in the latest trailer. |
| 27 Apr 2012 | The Monk |
| 04 May 2012 | Silent House Remake of the Uruguayan movie, done in one shot. Allegedly. |
| 11 May 2012 | Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !! |
| 11 May 2012 | .[rec]3: Génesis |
| 25 May 2012 | Men In Black 3D |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Prometheus 3D Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. The 'Space Jockey' from Alien is featured in the new trailer, so it's part of the Alien mythos anyways. |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Snow White & The Huntsman |
| 14 Jun 2012 | Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Benedict Cumberbatch as The Creation for this performance |
| 17 Jun 2012 | Frankenstein (live?) performance broadcast to Vue cinemas. Johnny Lee Miller as The Creation for this performance |
| 04 Jul 2012 | The Amazing Spider-Man 3D I held off putting this on my list of exciting stuff, as another reboot of Spidey does not excite The Xym. Think I may retitle it to list of Interesting Stuff! |
| 20 Jul 2012 | The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman |
| 27 Jul 2012 | Dr Seuss' The Lorax "I am the Lorax! I speak for the trees, Which you seem to be chopping as fast as you please; But I also speak for the brown Barbaloots, Who frolicked and played in their Barbaloot suits, Happily eating Truffula fruits." |
| 02 Aug 2012 | Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter 3D |
| 17 Aug 2012 | The Bourne Legacy Seems to be a reboot/remake of The Bourne Identity. |
| 22 Aug 2012 | Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake |
| 21 Sep 2012 | Dredd Karl Urban (as Dredd) will NOT remove the helmet. Despite Olivia Thirlby playing PSI Anderson, they're fending off Lena Headey's drug gang… apparently The Dark Judges are being held back for the [potential] sequel… |
| 14 Sep 2012 | Resident Evil: Retribution |
| 05 Oct 2012 | Frankenweenie Tim Burton's full length stop-motion movie (based on his short film) |
| 16 Nov 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 2 |
| 14 Dec 2012 | Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey |
| 14 Dec 2012 | Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | .[rec]4: Apocalypse |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Bill & Ted #3 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Stephen King's Carrie Chloe Grace Moretz to play Carrietta White |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!! |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie. |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Silent Hill: Revelation 3D |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Smiley |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012 |
| 11 Jan 2013 | Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters I thought it was this year… apparently, it's next year. Bollocks. |
| 22 Mar 2013 | Jack The Giant Killer |
| 12 Apr 2013 | Evil Dead Remake in progress. |
| 03 May 2013 | Iron Man 3 |
| 10 May 2013 | Pacific Rim Guillero Del Toro's Kaiju homage. Giant sea monsters awaken, only to be fought off by giant robots piloted by humans! |
| 17 May 2013 | Star Trek 2 |
| 32 May 2013 | The Lone Ranger Johnny Depp as Tonto… |
| 14 Jun 2013 | Man Of Steel Zack Snyder reboots Superman… |
| 26 Jul 2013 | Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel |
| ?? Jul 2013 | Robopocalypse Spielberg adap of Daniel H Wilson Rise Of The Machines type novel |
| 09 Aug 2013 | Robocop Remake… and Robocop will have a visor so you can see Murphy's eyes/face. Just like Stallone ruining Judge Dredd by removing the helmet, now you see Robocops face all the time. Oh well… |
| 22 Nov 2013 | Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire |
| 15 Nov 2013 | Thor 2 |
| 13 Dec 2013 | Hobbit: There And Back Again |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Maleficent Snow White from the Queen's persepective. Angelina Jolie now cast! |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Pride and Prejudice... and Zombies |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Short Circuit Remake. Oh Mr Johnny Five, this good news, no? |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck |
| 29 Jun 2014 | Transformers 4 |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Captain America 2 |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| ?? ??? 2014 | Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again. |
| ?? ??? 2015 | Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on |
| ?? ??? ???? | Atlantis Rising Comic book adap - may be a miniseries? |
| ?? ??? ???? | Beetlejuice 2 Written by Seth Grahame-Smith, author of Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, etc |
| ?? ??? ???? | Boy Scouts vs Zombies Jesus. It gets worse… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Carpe Diem: The Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom With a title like that, I gotta see it! |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Crow Legal details now resolved, so reboot going ahead. Can't see this being an improvement on the original. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Day of the Triffids Sam "Evil Dead" Raimi producing |
| ?? ??? ???? | Frozen Interpretation of Hans Christian Andersons "Snow Queen" |
| ?? ??? ???? | Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie |
| ?? ??? ???? | Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay |
| ?? ??? ???? | I Am Legend 2 How can he be a legend again? Oh, he wasn't in the first film either… JUST MAKE "I AM LEGEND" PROPERLY! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Jitters Giant killer insects… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Kick Ass 2 |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Night Stalker Johnny Depp as Kolchak in the film adap of the series |
| ?? ??? ???? | Monty Python's… Untitled tale of aliens giving superpowers to a human for laughs. All the remaining Pythons… except, of course, Eric Idle who's refusing at the moment. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Pinocchio Tim Burton (NO Johnny Depp - Robert Downey Jr rumoured as Geppetto) |
| ?? ??? ???? | Sin City 2 Screenplay almost finished |
| ?? ??? ???? | Here There Be Monsters 18th Century sea monster stuff |
| ?? ??? ???? | Teenahe Mutant Ninja Turtles Rebooted. Again. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Timecrimes US Remake of the Spanish classic |
| ?? ??? ???? | Triplets! Sequel to Twins! Schwarzenegger and DeVito discover their long-lost Brother (Eddie Murphy)… THIS WAS ANNOUNCED 28 MAR, SO IT COULD BE AN EARLY 'APRIL FOOL' THAT LEAKED EARLY. AT LEAST, ONE WOULD HOPE SO… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Woman in Black: Angels of Death Hammer's [unnecessary] sequel to The Woman In Black… |
| ?? ??? ???? | X-Men: First Class 2 Given the go-ahead. |
| ?? ??? ???? | Venom Spidey-Man spin off |
| ?? ??? ???? | Zorro Reborn The Fox' is reborn! |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 09 Apr 2012 | Return of the Living Dead Special Edition |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VI: Hellseeker Rescheduled (again) |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VII: Deader Rescheduled (again) |
| 16 Apr 2012 | Hellraiser VIII: Hellworld Rescheduled (again) |
| 17 Apr 2012 | The Divide Post-apocalyptic terror in an underground bunker |
| 23 Apr 2012 | Girl With The Dragon Tattoo US remake version |
| 23 Apr 2012 | War of the Worlds Series 1 of the 1988 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only) |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons Argento produced Bava preposterousness |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons 2 More Argento produced Bava preposterousness |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Demons & Demons 2 Limited Edition Steelbook |
| 07 May 2012 | The Artist |
| 07 May 2012 | House By The Cemetery: Ltd |
| 27 Apr 2012 | Strippers vs Werewolves Judging by the publicity shot, I'll be giving this a miss… |
| 14 May 2012 | Sherlock Holmes: Game Of Shadows |
| 14 May 2012 | Terminator |
| 21 May 2012 | Ghost In The Shell: Stand Alone Complex: Solid State Society |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Dune David Lynch version - unsure which cut(s) are included yet |
| 04 Jun 2012 | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me - Teresa Banks and the Last Seven Days of Laura Palmer NOT the restored version, and not with the David Lynch approved score. Boo! |
| 09 Jul 2012 | War of the Worlds Series 2 of the 1989 TV spin off from the George Pal 1953 movie (DVD only) |
| 30 Aug 2012 | War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D. |
| 15 Oct 2012 | American Horror Story (series 1) |
| ?? Oct 2012 | Evangelion 3.33: Quickening |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Blade Runner 30th Anniversary Edition |
| ?? ??? 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 01 Apr 2012 | Once Upon A Time Showing in UK on: Five |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Game Of Thrones (series 2) Showing on: Sky Atlantic… so, not on Virgin for me then :( |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Secret Of Crickley Hall Showing in UK on: BBC |
| Autumn 2012 | Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start) |
| Latter 2012 | Primeval: New World |
| Latter 2012 | Walking Dead (Series 3) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Best Possible Taste BBC4 - 90min Kenny Everett Biopic |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Sinbad New mini-series |
| ?? ??? ???? | Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012 |
| ?? ??? ???? | American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman |
| ?? ??? ???? | Gotham |
| ?? ??? ???? | Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK |
| ?? ??? ???? | Munsters Remake. Pilot being developed by Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller |
| ?? ??? ???? | New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!! |
| ?? ??? ???? | Space 2099 Yes, they're rebooting Gerry Anderson's Space 1999 in a new century… |
| ?? ??? ???? | Star Wars: Underworld |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 02 Apr 2012 | Dare: Deluxe Edition Human League CD1: 1. The Things That Dreams Are Made Of, 2. Open Your Heart, 3. The Sound Of The Crowd, 4. Darkness, 5. Do Or Die, 6. Get Carter, 7. I Am The Law, 8. Seconds, 9. Love Action (I Believe In Love), 10. Don't You Want Me, 11. The Sound Of The Crowd [12'' Version], 12. Don't You Want Me [Extended Dance Mix], 13. The Sound Of The Crowd [Instrumental], 14. Hard Times / Love Action (I Believe In Love) [Instrumentals], 15. Open Your Heart / Non-Stop [Instrumentals], 16. Don't You Want Me [Alternative Version] CD2: 1. Mirror Man, 2. You Remind Me Of Gold, 3. (Keep Feeling) Fascination [Extended Version], 4. I Love You Too Much, 5. Mirror Man [Extended Version], 6. You Remind Me Of Gold [Instrumental], 7. (Keep Feeling) Fascination [Improvisation], 8. I Love You Too Much [Dub Version], 9. Total Panic |
| 16 Apr 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Fields of the Nephilim 2CDd+DVD, 2disc vinyl or Download (download includes Last Exit from Mera Luna 2008). CD1: ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ (live 12 Jul 2008): 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Shine, 6 Wail Of Sumer, 7 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 8 Trees Come Down, 9 Psychonaut CD2: ΛD•VфΤΛΜ (live 13 Jul 2008): 1 Intro (Harmonica Man), 2 Preacher Man, 3 Moonchild, 4 Requiem, 5 Xiberia, 6 Zoon pt3 (Wakeworld), 7 Mourning Sun, 8 Celebrate DVD: 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Wail Of Sumer, 6 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 7 Trees Come Down, 8 Moonchild, 9 Psychonaut, 10 Mourning Sun |
| 06 May 2012 | CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS: CEREMONiAL EDiTION Fields of the Nephilim: Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set. ● Handmade bespoke wooden case with the Ceromonies emblem individually branded upon it. ● Two CDs (ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ & ΛD•VфΤΛΜ) ● DVD ● Double vinyl album in gatefold sleeve and heavyweight blood red vinyl. ● Exclusive special edition booklet featuring high-quality artwork, graphics and photos designed by Sheer Faith. ● Brushed metal Pendant (50mm pendant on a 21-inch chain etched with the Ceromonies seal) ● Flag/Altar cloth (100cm x 70cm Ceromonies banner) ● Limited edition print photographed by Paul Harries and autographed by Carl McCoy. ● Laminated artist pass from the London's Shepherds Bush Empire Ceromonies concerts. |
| 21 May 2012 | Choice Of Weapon: Deluxe Edition The Cult CD1: 1. Honey From A Knife, 2. Elemental Light, 3. The Wolf, 4. Life > Death, 5. For The Animals, 6. Amnesia, 7. Wilderness Now, 8. Lucifer, 9. A Pale Horse, 10. This Night In The City Forever CD2: 1. Every Man And Woman Is A Star, 2. Embers, 3. Until The Light Takes Us, 4. Siberia |
| 04 Jun 2012 | War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-recording of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. This Is NOT the live concert/show, but a new vision of the original concept album Richard Burton replaced with Liam Neeson David Essex replaced by The Kaiser Chief's Ricky Wilson |
| ?? Jun 2012 | Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant - put back to June to coincide with launch of some documentary in May. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Made Glorious The March Violets New Album! |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 04 Apr 2012 | Fascinating Aida Norwich Playhouse |
| 11 Apr 2012 | Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street Norwich Playhouse (Sondheim musical version!). Runs till 14th April. |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Drugstore Norwich Arse Centre |
| 18 Apr 2012 | Richard Herring Norwich Playhouse |
| 30 Apr 2012 | Paradise Lost Norwich WhatACunt |
| 10 May 2012 | Neil Innes Norwich Arse Centre |
| 17 May 2012 | Blancmange Norwich Arse Centre |
| 20 May 2012 | Inspiral Carpets Norwich WhatACunt Rescheduled from 18th March |
| 01 Jun 2012 | Pout At The Devil Norwich WhatACunt |
| 16 Sep 2012 | The Cult Londinium - Wembley arena Support from The Mission AND Killing Joke! 5 day tour: 11th - Newcastle Radio Arena 12th - Sheffield Motorpoint Arena 14th Manchester Arena 15th Birmingham LG Arena |
| 25 Oct 2012 | Hazel O'Connor Norwich WhatACunt |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Fields of the Nephilim Shepherd's Bush Empire Moved due to the cancellation of the Sonisphere festival |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 13 Apr 2012 | Silent Hill: Book of Memories |
| 31 Oct 2012 | Assassins Creed III |
| 20 Nov 2012 | Resident Evil 6 |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Animal Crossing 3Ds |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 24 Apr 2012 | Dark Tower 4.5: The Wind Through The Keyhole Stephen King Novel |
| ?? Mar 2012 | Lovecraft Anthology II Graphic Novel |
| 18 May 2012 | A Confusion Of Princes Garth Nix |
| ?? May 2012 | Blake's 7: The Forgotten Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel) |
| ?? May 2012 | Dial H China Miéville involved in rebooting the comic series Dial H For Hero |
| 21 Jun 2012 | Whispers Under Ground Ben Aaronovitch (Rivers of London #3) |
| ?? Aug 2012 | No Sharks in the Med and Other Stories Lumley, Brian 1. Fruiting Bodies, 2. The Sun, the Sea, and the Silent Scream, 3. The Picnickers, 4. The Viaduct, 5. The Luststone, 6. The Whisperer, 7. No Sharks in the Med, 8. The Pit-Yakker, 9. The Place of Waiting, 10. The Man Who Killed Kew Gardens, 11. My Thing Friday, 12. The Disapproval of Jeremy Cleave |
| 06 Sep 2012 | The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert |
| ?? Nov 2012 | Blake's 7: Archangel Harrison, Scott New B7 novel set between series 2 episodes 6 (Trial) and 7 (Killer) |
| ?? ??? 2012 | The Mechanical Messiah and Other Marvels of the Modern Age Rankin, Robert |
| ?? ??? 2012 | e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian - in negotiations |
| ?? ??? 2012 | Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian |
| 01 Jan 2013 | Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J. |
| ?? ??? ???? | The Chickens of Atlantis and other Foul and Filthy Fiends Rankin, Robert |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| ?? Aug 2012 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #3 1. [tba], 2. [tba], 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow, Michael Keating, Jan Chappell, Stephen Greif & Jacqueline Pearce reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon, Vila Restal, Cally, Travis and Servalan |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #4 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #5 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6 See Liberator Chronicles #3 above |
| ?? ??? 2013 | Retromancer Robert Rankin adaptation in 13 half-hour episodes. To be aired on BBC Radio Feb 2013 |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| IN LIMBO | Akira Production once again halted… |
| IN LIMBO | At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro. |
| IN LIMBO | Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick |
| IN LIMBO | Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski |
| IN LIMBO | Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter |
| IN LIMBO | Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding. |
| IN LIMBO | Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time" |
| IN LIMBO | Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months |
| IN LIMBO | Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director |
| IN LIMBO | Power of the Dark Crystal Sequel to The Dark Crystal Back on hold as of 21 Feb 2012, as OmniLab cut all funding due to the failure of their crap film 'The Killer Elite'. The Henson Group may speak to them later in 2012 about further development, or seek a new partner, or can the whole project. Again. |
| IN LIMBO | Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down. |
| IN LIMBO | Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months. |
| IN LIMBO | Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America. |
| IN LIMBO | Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Silent Hill: HD Collection |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Silent Hill: Downpour |
| 30 Mar 2012 | Babycall |
| 27 Mar 2012 | Harry Potter (eBooks) |
| 27 Mar 2012 | Game Of Thrones Vol.1 |
| 26 Mar 2012 | The Thing |
| 26 Mar 2012 | The Awakening |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Resident Evil: Racoon City |
| 23 Mar 2012 | Hunger Games |
| 23 Mar 2012 | The Company of the Dead |
| 22 Mar 2012 | Angry Birds: Space |
| 21 Mar 2012 | Stiff Little Fingers & Spear Of Destiny |
| 19 Mar 2012 | Tintin: Legend of the Unicorn |
| 16 Mar 2012 | Devil Inside |
| 15 Mar 2012 | The Whisperer In Darkness |
| 13 Mar 2012 | Alcatraz |
| 12 Mar 2012 | e-Book back Catalogue Robert & his son uploading a book a week, starting with The Antipope! Yay! |
| 12 Mar 2012 | Darling Buds |
| 12 Mar 2012 | Breaking Dawn part 1 |
| 09 Mar 2012 | The Raven |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Rich Hall |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Pout At The Devil |
| 09 Mar 2012 | John Carter |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Harry Potter Charity Quiz |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Cleeving Heavages |
| 09 Mar 2012 | Annotated Sandman Vol.1 |
| 06 Mar 2012 | Todd and the Book Of Pure Evil |
| 06 Mar 2012 | Killing Joke |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Shappi Khorsandi |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Immortals |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Giants: Deluxe Edition |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Game Of Thrones (series 1) |
| 05 Mar 2012 | Dirk Gently |
| 02 Mar 2012 | Tim Vine |
| Jump to section: | Film --- In Development --- Blu-Ray --- TV --- Music --- Gigs --- Games --- Books --- Audiobooks --- In Limbo --- Last month --- |
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