♫Homeless
Homeless
Mobile ringing in a shop doorway♪
So sang that there Paul Simone after he'd dumped that Arse Garfunkymonkey because he kept calling him Al.
or something.
Anyhoo, I was in The City yesterday munchtime returning from a useless visit to HMV1, when I decided to have a healthy lunch from Subway (Eat Flesh, as them Zombies say). So I traversed down that bit with the American Sweetie Shop With The Hot Babez on the right, and WH Smiths on the left.
And in the closed off doorway bit of WH Smith there huddled a tramp.
A foul smelling knight of the road, clad in rags buried in a sleeping bag and a plethora of blankets.
"Cough, cough! Urgh! You couldn't help an old altar boi, cudja Father? Gorrany spare change furra cuppa tea Mr Karras? Your mother darns socks in Hell!"
When all of a sudden....
"huuuuuhhhHHHRRRNYOMm nom noom nyeargh!"
Oh wait... sorry... that was Des the Hippopotato eating the last, of my, cauli,flower! Too much time listening to Timperley's finest! A thousand apologies master, I shall continue with my Fantastic Blog.
When all of a sudden....
Ring-a-ding-a-dingly-dell-ding!
The tramoid reached into his vomit ridden vest and pulls out his mobile. Flips it open and has a quick chat of the "gotta go, talk to you later" variety.
Tramps! With Jellyhones! I know them feral Council Estate benefit scrounging ASBO ridden shagabouts off Jeremy Kyle get their phones, mobile tablet devices, X-Boxes, PS3's, HI-Def 52" 3D tellies with cinema sound speaker system, free council house built to their spec and beer and pie money off Benefits otherwise their cannibalistic offspring will DIE if they are forced to spend a week stacking shelves in Quidland, but...
...tramps with gel in bones!
Not for him the special brew, soup kitchen, hostel or Maccy D's to live on. Far more important to get a helping hand with work and housing by begging for cash to cover your contract!
"But Xym, perhaps he's on Pay-As-You-Go?2"
Yeah, who needs a cup of tea? Spend them hard begged pennies prized from passers-by for that alleged cup o' tea on a Pay-As-You-Go-From-Shop-Doorway-To-Shop-Doorway tariff to tell other gutter slumberers of the best places to get a rat onna stick, the least widdled in doorways, the best string to tether your dog to a bicycle post to, or the spot the Pretties in the shortest skirts that blow up in the breeze pass by so you can lay on your bed of blankets ogling gussets from the gutter.
or something.
Homeless folk with gel in phones indeed!
1 THEY NEVER LEARN. LAST MONDAY, FRANKENWEENIE CAME OUT - £19.99 IN HMV, 13.99 EVERYWHERE ELSE. THIS MONDAY, 80'S LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR FROM BEYOND WAS RELEASE. DOES HMV STOCK IT? DO THEY BUGGERY FUCK AS LIKE! IT'S ALL WALL TO WALL HEVILY DISCOUNTED ONE DIRECTION AND OTHER SHITE. SO I ENDED UP ORDERING OFF AMAZON. AS USUAL.
2 PAY AS YOU GO, MY BEST HAT! PAYG WAS SCRAPPED YEARS AGO, AND REPLACED WITH CRAP TARRIFFS. PAYG MEANS PAYG - YOU PAY AS AND WHEN, AND TOP UP AS AND WHEN. WHEN YOU GET SEAN BEAN BLATHERING ON ABOUT O2'S PAYG, NOTE WHAT HE SAYS. "PAYG ON O2. JUST TOP UP £10 A MONTH..." - THAT'S NOT PAYG - THAT'S A MONTHLY CONTRACT AT £10PM! PAYG MEANS YOU CAN PUT £10 ON THIS MONTH, AND NOT HAVE TO TOP IT UP FOR ANOTHER 100 YEARS IF YOU USE IT INFREQUENTLY. PAYG MY SHIT SPLATTERED ARSENUGGETS!
