Ah, the Village Hall, where many an English Tradition holds sway.
● OAPs taking tea and cakes, and waltzing to Irving Berlin.
● Jumble sales to grab a cardi (only gold though, as everyone looks good in a gold
cardigan)
● Wedding receptions and school discos1 with Black Lace pushing pineapples and
shaking trees.
Oh, how that innocence is shattered in Trumpington!
For the Village Hall has been booked for a Relationship Support meeting. You know, counselling for estranged couples...
...oh wait...
...the support group organising the event is "Peer Rope Cambridge" in association with "Cambridge Kink". And it's THAT kind of relationship support! Club Antichrist comes to Trumpington!
Yes, their "Relationship support" is an evening of tea and cakes, followed by a flogging workshop (amongst other diverse deviancies).
● OAPs taking tea with the parson.
● Fumble sales to grab a granny
● Ravey clubnights with Leather & Lace & PVC & Latex & split-crotch onesies with the Ahhhh! Gahhhh! Do! Do! Do shove pineapples up the arse!
Fisting in the Village Hall! What next, being fisted up by Stuart Hall? Full Monty Firemen (Yes, Mickey love): Boobs, pubes, horny old dudes, handcuffs, nipple... CLAMPS!
One has to laugh at the news article though:
Adverts were published for an event to include spanking, flogging and "kink on a budget", served with tea and cakes at an unnamed south Cambridgeshire venue.
The trustees of Trumpington Village Hall said they believed their venue had been booked "under false pretences".
This is like that "new and improved" argument. Nothing can be New and Approved. It's either new and never existed, or it's an existing thing (therefore not new) that has been improved2. Likewise, how can an Unnamed Venue be the Trumpington Village Hall? It's either unnamed, ie undisclosed, or it's the one named in the article as Trumpington Village Hall! Grrrr...
Mind you, it'd spice up Phoenix Nights somewhat!
"Garlic bread? Garlic bread? What's tha' doin' wi' t'baguette... by 'eck, I don't pity tha' 'usband when 'e comes 'ome fer 'is Bird's Jap's Eye Fish Fusion supper t'neet missus!"
Right, now, I need to get Mr Ed to sort out that Trad-Goth Asylum night out at some unnamed venue. Is there a Norwich Torture Garden & Bound Gangbang Society wanting to get involved in a Social Interaction night at The Marquee...
1 THAT'S SCHOOL DISCO OR LEAVER'S BALL - NOT, I REPEAT, NOT A FUCKING PROM. THAT'S WHAT'S THEY HAVE IN 'MURCA, WHERE THEY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AT A HUGE PARTY IN A BIG HOUSE WHILST THE PARENTS ARE AWAY BEFORE BEING MURDERED BY A MASKED MASS MURDERER. NOT A KNEE TREMBLER BEHIND THE KITCHEN BINS IN THE CAR PARK AS THEY SPEW ALL OVER THEIR CHAVSLUT BEFORE MUMMY PICKS THEM UP AT 9PM READY FOR BEDTIME. PROM INDEED. FUCKSAKE.
2 ACTUALLY, I WOULD CHALLENGE THE DEFINITION OF "IMPROVED" IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. HAS ANYONE HAD ANY "NEW AND IMPROVED" PRODUCT THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY WORSE THAN BEFORE? IMPROVED? RUINED AND TWATTED OVER, MORE LIKE!
