Yer a lizard, 'arry...

Now, I've been keeping me head down recently, and it seems them there New World Order Tunnelling Tibetean Illuminati are off my backs!

Not a single assassination attempt in months.

However, last night I was watching Have I Got A Bit More Nudes For You with Jeremy Clarkson (Beat.Box), and Font Of Truth David Icke was mentioned.

It seems that the O(Para)lympics were constructed at the behest of our Reptilian Overlords in Royal Human Suits, and it was a Satanic ceremony so they could unleash the Ogdru Jahad, and other betentacled behemoths to keep them in Power.

And watch loads of real life Hentai demon tentacle porn on the lawn at Fuckingham Palace.

I thought it was odd that Prince Harry was introduced as Prince Henry - they obviously forgot to use his "Human" name, and used his Lepidosaurian title!

Harry in public, but it's Henry the Iguana shitting guano all over the Windsor's DFS sofa with his human suit off!

Now, I was at the Paralympic Athletics, and the Closing Ceremony, and I don't recall any Satanic Mass nor sacrificial virgins going on - let alone the arising of gargantuan Gods of general unpleasantness from under the 100m starting line. But then, with all them starter pistols all going off, I'm not surprised I missed the shootout with the imps, goblins, djinns and diverse other menacing pixiefolk invading the orifices of olympians with their rapey tentacles (or should that be tentasaviles?).

Although I do recall the screaming of billions of lost and tortured souls howling in eternal agony and torment - but that was probably just Coldplay caterwauling through their cacophony of compositions.

Hold on - I do remember lots of fire. And big black demonic birdy folk. And some diabolical Brazilian bits¹.

On the other hand, I don't recall Jess Ennis in a red latex catsuit ramming a dildo pitchfork right up Rhianna's arse.

But I might have missed that bit.

Xym's proposal for Team Russia
Paralympic Longjump Outfit
~ Brazil 2016 ~

¹ BUT NO BITS THAT WERE DIABIOLICALLY BRAZILLIAN'D FOR AERODYNAMIC PERFORMANCE. THAT'S WHERE YOU SHAVE YOUR MINGE TO COUNTER THE FRICTION FROM BUBBLY CHOCOLATE BARS. SOME OLYMPIC SPORT INVOLVING MARIANNE FAITHFUL. WORLD RECORD IN THE COCOA BEAN FLICKING FAPPAGE EVENT. OR SOME SUCH. PROBABLY.

Off to London, to buy [Deep] Heat magazine...

One of the best days of my life!

Ever!

No losers here. No nations. Only worthly athletes.

And George Osbourne getting a boo-ing for being such a cunt.

But honestly - an experience never to forget.

Running into ParalympicsGB in Starbucks.

Almost falling into Tasmin Grieg's crotch head first.

Seeing World Record after World Record broken before our eyes!

Seeing Britain and Ireland winning golds live.

Seeing winners receive their medals... and, oh, that Krestina Zhukova (Russian, Silver Medallist, F20 long jump)

♥♥♥ Xym want ♥♥♥

Being in the stadium and being part of that crowd - there's just NOTHING like it!

Even if special Cheryl sat there looking special with that special expression.

And Paul. Oh, Paul. Paul who thinks Numan is God, John Foxx is God to Numan's God, and OMD are Gods to one and all thought it was more amazing than all three!

But not Go West.

Nothing is better than Go West.

Except coming down the motorway seeing signs for "Offroad Activity Areas".

Offroad Activity Areas?

Surely that's layby dogging sites, isn't it?

It's come to something when The Council are putting up signs to direct doggers so they can engage in their clandestine forestry "Offroad Activities" when they fancy a bit of motorway minge.

What is the worlds coming to?

Offroad Activity centre my best hat!

Pair o'limp pig games...

Wheelchair basketball.

Christ, we're shit at it!

Watching Canada - BOOM! Slam dunk the funk! UK - lob it a bit and watch it bounce out.

So, I reckon TeamGB should stick to what they know.

In the city yesterday, I walked past [somewhere] and saw something in the window. All bedecked in Union Flag livery. And whilst watching some more wheelchair antics, that item crept into my bonce and stuck there. Something properly British.

Sod "Wheelchair" Basketball - what we need is...

...wait for it...

...you ready for this...

... pom Pom POMMMMMMMMMMM!...

SPACE HOPPER BASKETBALL!

After all, they's quite similar to wheelchairs. Except you have to bounce instead of laboriously pushing wheels about! AND you get a proper bounce to get some height when you "shoot some hoops"!

Seems to ME that our paralympian athletes are more interested in Spaghetti Hoops that Shootin' Hoops, useless lot they are! Put 'em on Space Hoppers and let proper British talent shine!

I did notice that often they gets toppled over in wheelchairs, and land flat on their face. Rather than risk injury - simply put some lead shot in the base of the Space Hoppers! Hey Presto - Olympic Weebles that wobble but don't fall down!

See - health and safety benefits, a British Tradition, extra height to Dunk A Biscuit In The Tea (Space Hopping Basketball parlance for a "goal") - what could give us a better advantage?

I'm applying to help organise Rio, and see if I can sneak this event in!

Paralympian Space Hopper Basketball - why's no-one ever implemented this before?

What could possibly go wrong...

Always believe in your soul (food)...

Get in!

I just got an Olympic Gold Medal!

Several, in fact.

Gold in Olympic Awesomeness Event!

Gold in Olympic Hat Event (plus world record in hat height)!

Gold in Beautific Bountiful Barnet Event (awarded extra points for plumage and a profileration of purple)!

Plus more besides!! Olympic Eating Event, Olympic Thumb Wars, the thoroughly exhaustive Olympian Couch Potato Marathon Viewing Of Ladies Beach Volleyball...

True, they may have been chocolate in gold foil, rather than actual gold. And in an orange string vest rather than a purple ribbon.

True, also, that Judge, Adjudicator, Appeal Panellist and Awarder of Awards was myself.

Doesn't invalidate my Olympian greatness though!

I'd like to thank the people of Norwich, the people of London, Team GB and everyone else who has supported me.

And boy, did I need support! My fat tum now needs a belliwheel to carry it about!

Harmful referee's in the air...

Racist comments everywhere

Olympic athletes, Track and Field

Subjected to abuse, they yield

Watching the Londinium 2012 last night, I was forced to watch The Diving so the women could perve at the skimpy knickered six-pack'd scrawny hunks tossing themselves off a diveboard.

And then there came China's Olympian athlete. And what do our beloved BBC broadcasting buffoons refer to him as?

Chinkeye!

Slanted eyes meet a new sunrise indeed!

Now, I though the BBC was a reputable organisation, with non of the inherent institutionalised racism and all it entails. Oh, how wrong could I be! It's as bad as Spike Milligan in the 70s;

"Chinky, Chinky, Chinaman

Living in Hong Kong

give us a tune

On your big brass gong"

Or The Goodies episode, with Bill Oddie in full Rasta regalia announcing "I's a blaaaaack muuuslim!"

Chinkeye¹ indeed!

And what's the deal with the diving? I don't get it.

Dive into the water, fine. Then get out the pool, stand in a jacuzzi, towel yourself off, let your towel float off in the water, then stand at the side of the jacuzzi as the next diver gets in, whilst standing with hands on hips thrusting your posing pouch at the camera, then going for the next dive, getting out the pool, getting back into the jacuzzi again and towelling yourself off... with the towel that's presumably still wet from when they left it in the pool last time!

And don't get me started on Usain Bolt - of course he's going to win the 100m. He's a million feet tall! His stride probably covers 200m in one step, giving him a time advantage!

Either all contestants should be the same height, or Bolt should be given a penalty for his extreme height. In fact, they should apply a height:distance ratio to cancel out his elongated limb cheatyness!

Eg, I'm 5ft 6in. If I run 100m, the equivalent distance, heightwise, for 6ft 5in tall Bolt is 116.7m. For a 4ft 6in Oompa-Loompa is only 81.8m. It's hardly fair when, in real terms, Bolt doesn't have to run as far.

It's like saying the high jump is fair between dwarves and Mike TeeVee spindly basketball types having to clear the same heights. What chance has Gimli got at winning a Gold medal when he's up against some 9ft beanpole who can just step over it?

Hold on... dwarves up against a 9ft pole...

Ladydwarves, all beardy, writhing against a 9ft pole...

Peter Stringfellow must've really lowered his standards then!

¹ LUCKILY THE GRAPHICS TEAM DIDN'T PUT SUCH RACIST "CHINKY" NAME-CALLING ON THE SCOREBOARDS AND INFOMATICALS. THEY PUT QIN KAI... AND YOU'D THINK QIN WOULD BE PRONOUNCED KIN. WHICH IS PROBABLY JUST AS BAD. "HERE COMES 'KIN KAI. THAT'S FOOKIN' KAI CHINK-EYED RICE-EATER WITH HIS COOLIE HAT AND MANDARIN ORANGES AND HENTAI TENTACLE ABUSE OF THE HIS TEENAGE ASIAN LADY ATHLETES, YELLOW PERIL THAT HE IS".
   LESS OF THIS OLYMPIAN RACISM ON THE BBC, SAY I!!

New Gold Dreams...

Watch some Olympics before going out.

C'mon Britain!

I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
I believe in me, I believe in you,
And you know I believe in Gold!

What can you do for me?

I.
Want.
GOLD.

What's the soulution?

U-u-u-u Usain!
U-u-u-u Usain!
U-u-u-u Usain!
Usain Bolt!

Oh, he'd representing Jamaica.

Jamaica?

No, she did it on her own!

Anyone for Ennis?

Or something...

Watchin' a road to nowhere...

So, last night was the Olympic Opening Ceremony.

A bit of a shambles, really, coz the games stared about three days earlier, when we almost initiated Nuclear World War III by displaying the wrong Korean flag!

Anyhoo, the opening ceremony was supposed to be a celebration of Britishness. Now, impressive as it was, it did not capture the essence of Britishness.

Where was the Cup Of Tea?

Where were the Fish & Chips?

And more importantly, where was Christopher Lee, reprising his rôle as Lord Summerisle? Leading "Team GB" onto the field, dancing along in a dress, wig and painted face? Singing:

Sumer is icumen in Lhude sing cuccu! Groweþ sed and bloweþ med And springþ þe wde nu Sing cuccu! Awe bleteþ after lomb Lhouþ after calue cu. Bulluc sterteþ, bucke uerteþ Murie sing cuccu! Cuccu, cuccu, wel singes þu cuccu; Ne swik þu nauer nu. Pes: Sing cuccu nu. Sing cuccu. Sing cuccu. Sing cuccu nu!

Summer is a-coming in, Loudly sing, cuckoo! Grows the seed and blows the mead, And springs the wood anew; Sing, cuckoo! Ewe bleats harshly after lamb, Cows after calves make moo; Bullock stamps and deer champs, Now shrilly sing, cuckoo! Cuckoo, cuckoo; Wild bird are you; Be never still, cuckoo!

And then, the "Olympic Cauldron" could be David Cameron and Seb Coe in a Wicker Man, lit by the Olympic Torch!

Still, at least the Olympics have started in Starbucks. There's a young lady running a marathon in store. In tight lyrca leggings and a flimsy blouse.
On a treadmill.
Opposite me.
RIGHT opposite me!

Boiiiiiinnnnnng! Boiiiiiinnnnnng!! etc...

I'm ever so predictable, me...

Could Xym walk upon the water...

If he couldn't run away
And would you...
Would you brandish a torch
at Xym?

Oh yeah! I'm a star!

Had to leave work a bit later than usual last night, but what a surprise! Hordes of Admirers of The Xym are lining the pavements of my route home!

A Pretty here, a Serious Pretty there, many dragging along their reluctant partners, uninterested feral brats and tied-down-into-perambulator-and-forced-to-endure-mum's-adoration-of-The-Xym brood.

Well, what an impressive turn-out for the books!

And all for me! Blocking the pavements for a glimpse of Xym and a-waving at him sailing past down the road!

But, alas, none sat atop shoulders of their menfolk, baring their baps and pointing their pillows of norkitudinal dirtyness in my direction, begging for a spot of 50 States Of Earl Grey Teabagging.

However, having so many Pretties dampening their drawers over The Xym, the menfolk are getting all riled up. There's rumour that they're awaiting the now legendary Flaming Torch. Once it arrives, it'll be all ye ancientte mobbe and "Up Pitchforks and Storm Xym's Castle, lads! Slay the beast! Destroy the monster! Save our women from his lecherous gaze!"

Hold on Xym - are you sure you're not confusing your so-called "crowds of admirers" with crowds of people wanting to see the Olympic Torch pass through Norwich because it's route just happens to coincide with your route home?

Don't be so stupid! Who would want to mong about for hours on end, obstructing the Queens pavement, just to watch some sporting loon to run past holding aloft an oversized Cornetto cone.

An oversized Cornetto cone that lacks for Ice Cream at that!

I've heard of these so-called "Window Lickers"¹, presumably they're only here for a lick of the stawberry creamy icyness as the Sun came out. Hah! Try licking THAT orangey goodness, and they'll end up with a blistered tongue!²

As if anyone's gonna loiter about for a glimpse of some woman running down the road in tight camel hoofed lyra, busoms all a-bouncing whilst brandishing a huge phallic symbol in her hand!

Nah - they were deffo all out for Celebrity Xym!

¹ SADLY NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH CARPET MUNCHERS
² CARPET MUNCHING BURNS. OR SOMETHING. PROBABLY. OR NOT. AS THE CASE MAY BE.