Being a short tale of preposterousness
originally written (and now revised) by The Xym for Sproutlore
published in The Brentford Mercury issue 11, September 1997
originally written (and now revised) by The Xym for Sproutlore
published in The Brentford Mercury issue 11, September 1997
The hall was filled by a variance of characters, many being glaring of eye, hostile of demeanour and shifty of movement. A deathly silence pervaded the air, as Old Pete shuffled onto the stage and performed his own unique version of The Sand Dance. Upon the ceasing of this bizzare spectacle, which had reduced many a Granny to her youth, the Acolyte Rizla took to the stage.
"Welcome, Dear Patrons, to the World of Rune, Guru of Gurus, Great master, Font of Knowledge, Mentalist, Call him what you will..."
Cries of
"EXCREmentalist!"
"Flatulent fat swine"
"Fraudster"
echoed around the auditorium afore a scoundrel by the name of Sir John Rimmer was subjected to the now legendary Forcible Ejection From The Premises.
Rizla continued for many minutes (as much as two!), outlining the Importance of Rune and his Work, until the great man himself, large in girth with a multiplicity of chins, resplendant in boleskine tweed plus-fours, took to the podium to deliver the Secrets of the Ancients.
"The riddle of the Pyramids has been much speculated upon, and diverse theorems abound. The greybeards will have you believe that they are many thousands of years old, and serve as hidden tombs for the Pharaohs before their ascension into the Heavens. Friend Greybeard must have failing eyesight if he thinks a dirty great Pyramid in the middle of the landscape is well hidden! Let it be known that the pyramids are not tombs, but warships that were responsible for the sinking of the Titanic.
Consider this: the Titanic was allegedly sunk by a striking glance to an iceberg. Now, like Archimedes, we can solve this in the bath. Take and ice cube and a plastic boat, and drive the boat into the iceberg. Does it sink? On the contrary - the ice simply bobs away, and that's with a plastic boat! Same thing would happen with a liner, the 'iceberg' would simply bob off!"
The hall now reverberated with cries of astonishment:
"He's right, you know!"
"Tell us more!"
"A load of bollaaaarrrggh!".
This final utterance being emitted by a certain Sir John Rimmer as he fell through the skylight¹. Rimmer was left writhing on the floor, as Rune continued.
"I put it to you that these pyramids are early egyptian submarines, and the plains of Giza is the dried up equivalent of the White Star Docks. This is bourne out by the following:
a) The pyramids do not move. Proof enough that the pyramid-submarine is no longer in service
b) Some of the older pyramids are marvellously intact, whilst a lot of the newer ones have collapsed. Proof that the later, more advanced pyramids were in some form of sea battle, and left to erode on the ocean floor.
c) Ocean? Yes, ocean! Egypt was once a sea during the Great Flood, hence the only mode of transport being seafaring pyramids. Once the waters subsided, many pyramids were grounded on the sandy ocean floor, which dried out to become a desert! Some pyramids escaped to deeper waters before the waters retreated, and remain at large, prowling about and ramming into innocent liners!
d) It's claimed the pyramids have 'air-shafts'. Hah! More like shafts to use a periscope with, or firing torpedoes out of!
e) The very work 'pyramid', being made up of the words PY, RAM and ID.
• PY being an abbreviation of Pyrrhic: To achieve victory at any cost,
• RAM being to ram into something; and
• ID being the instinctive impulse of the individual.
Ergo: Pyramid literally means The instinctive impulse of the egyptians to achieve victory at any cost by ramming into things!
Now, old Greybeard says you cannot make a ship of out rock. 'It would be too heavy' they claim. yet these greybeards also claim to be able to build ships weighing over ten tonnes! A bit heavier than rocks, I do believe!"
Muffled titters abounded, as attending Greybeards began tapping stout sticks into their palms. "And how were these pyramids constructed, with rock being 'too heavy' too move? Take a fat man, for instance..."
"Such as you!" cried Sir John Rimmer, now within a protective ring of the Chiswick Townswomens Guild, who were still smarting from being sold by Rune for a camel a-piece.
Ignoring this poltroon, Rune continued. "...try and lift him. You can't - he's 'too heavy'. Now try lifting him in a swimming pool - easy! His weight is bouyed by the water. So, the pyramids were constructed underwater as the rock was easier to move into place!
But how, I hear you ask, did the they manage to work Underwater. We must look to the hieroglyphics. Now, friend Greybeard will tell you that these animal headed pictographs represent gods. Hiffle & piffle & old plum pud! Any fool can see that these are simply just normal people wearing jazzed up diving helmets - never seen a biker with a helmet fashioned as a skull, or all flames! No God he, that biker! Perhaps Greybeard thinks that the egyptians worshipped Hell's Angels?
And what of the Sphinx? It is said to show signs of 'weathering' from rain and sandstorm. A plausible concept, but entirely false, for the Sphinx was the figurehead at the prow of the Great Pyramid, and the 'weathering' the result of crashing through the waves.
And what of the Face on Mars, and the accompanying pyramids discovered in the Cydonia plains by the Viking Probe? This is no less than the face of my ancestor 'Dusty' Rune. Advisor to the President of his day, his face once adorned Mount Rushmore. On my advice, it was removed and placed on Mars, so that any aliens visiting our planet would come across this artifact first. After all, it is only fitting that they should encounter a Perfect Master first, and be educated by my teachings stored in the surrounding buildings."
Startled exclamations rand around the hall. Could it really be true? Nautical types spoke of vengeance against these seafaring behemoths, Fez's were trampled a-plenty, and pyramid shaped razor blade sharpeners were waved in defiance.
Suddenly, the hubbub was broken by Sir John Rimmers scathing question: "What about camels then? Indigenous to Egypt, how did they survive in these watery wastelands? Were they aqua-camels?" he sniggered. The audience held it's breath as Rune fixed Rimmer with an icy stare.
"True, " quoth Rune, as Rimmer was cast out into the night by the burly doormen, "the camel is indeed an aquatic mammal. Ever wondered why it's called the 'ship' of the desert? A-ha! You will notice that the common camel has been blessed with either one hump or two, which zoo-ologists are at a loss to explain, other than they contain water to help it survive in a hot, dry terrain. This is due to evolution. In the past, camels had many humps, to cope with their transition from water- to land-based survival. As each generation adapts, it needs less water than it needed when it lived in the sea, so as a result, the number of humps diminished. Camels now have 2 humps, but the more evolved ones have mutated to survive on just one. Eventually, the camel with become humpless!"
Shock! Stunment! Everything fell into place with this Ultimate Truth! But Rune still had more!
"There is evidence of the aquatic camel, here on our own shores. It is said that the Nile and Pyramids are a map of the heavens, with the Nile matching the Milky Way and Pyramids corresponding to key stars. Now, take that same map and overlay it over Inverness. The Nile matches Loch ness, and The Great Pyramid maps onto Urquart Castle! Now, there is legend that a monster lives in the Loch, described as having a long neck and many humps. Now, what animal do we know of that has a long neck and humps?"
Dirty titters sidled into various aural orifices, took a peek out the window, and fled from the wrath of wives. Swarthy egyptian types extracted stout sticks from underneath their gallabeyahs, and advanced upon that Caster of Doubt upon their Heritage.
"Ladies and Gentlemen, the Loch Ness Monster is indeed the Loch Ness Camel. There is no other explanation!". Rune's voice grew more sombre as he noted the evil mob bearing down upon him. "So there it is, my friends. I have given you the secrets of the pyramids, both construction and purpose. I have shown you how Egypt equates to Inverness, and explained the Loch Ness Monster and the destruction of the Titanic.
And now, dear followers, I must leave."
With a bang and a flash, Rune disappeared. Leaving naught of his presence but for a half eaten chicken leg and the inevitable mob baying for his blood. Flaming torched were lit to cries of "Advance upon the castle", but as Urquart Castle was way up in Scotland, the townsfolk marched off to burn Rune in effigy instead.
Jim Pooley turned to his stalwart chum. "John, " quote he, "there are many pennies to be made from such revelations.".
"Speak", spoke that stalwart, "for the earning of pennies is dear to me, so make it precise so we can be away and earning the said fiscal revenue. With very little effort, I might add."
"I was thinking of opening a spa"
"Jim, the thought of your bathroom as a centre of Health and Fitness is far and away beyond my comprehension."
"I was also thinking of Asses Milk, Cleopatra costumes, and Jennifer Naylor..."
"To the dairy with all speed! Come, Jim, Reg the Milkman awaits our order..."
¹ THIS WAS THE CAUSE OF SIR JOHN'S INJURIES, AND NOT, AS HE LATER CLAIMED, "THAT BLACKGUARD RUNE WAYLAID ME IN A DARKENED ALLEY AND EMPLOYED A STOUT STICK ABOUT MY PERSON."
