The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #4...

Free Willy...

Many people are up in arms about the redistribution of wealth

Then they forget about their arms, and move up to the bonce, and want to put a cap on benefits.

Probably a flat cap, with a whippet on top.

"It's not fair that Scummy Mummies get £1m per child on benefits!" they say.
"It's not fair that Asylum seekers get given a £10m mansion to house their pet cat!" they say.
"It's not fair that a wealthy Banker can get a tax-free Brucie Bonus and hide it in their wife's Caymans to avoid tax" they say.

And when they say Caymans, they probably mean her ample busom. Because as all men know, when women get a wad of cash, they stuff it into their bra.

Which is probably a better chestfiller than them exploding jugsacks they're moaning about having implanted.

Anyhoo, I don't give a toss about the redistribution of wealth - I'm more for Pretties giving me a toss in the redistribution of sex.

Now, I'm no oil painting. True, Pretties flee before my troll-like visage and behemoth belly, but I would like to think¹ I was marginally more attractive than the average facially repellant fodder on the Jeremy Kyle show.

An endless parade of gap-toothed, manky haired, beautifically disadvangated ogres & gnomes ravaged by time and fags. Ancient druggie hag crones and abusive drunken inbred knuckle dragging illiterate gorilla gormsters. And what do they all have in common?

I'll tell you what they all have in common!

A life of non-stop shaggery that they're bragging about on the telly, that's what!!

Even to the point that they get through so many promiscuous slagbuckets, by a process of elimination they eventually end up accidentally nobbing their brother².

It's not fair! There's me, abhorrent to look upon, with no Pretty daring to touch my bargepole with their... well, any part of their anatomy, really. And then there's these deformed gargoyles with more sexual partners you can shake a shitty cock at!

Goddamn thieving sterotypical chavscum - no wonder I can't bag meself a Pretty - they've all been nicked by these kobolds living off the council and getting paid benefits to have The Sex! It's DNA test here, lie detector there, all humping each other on The FaceBukakke.

Redistribute the sex, I say! Limit these uglyfied dwelllers of the dark with a face for radio to 1 Pretty apiece, and free up some of these rampant Pretties³ for the rest of us!

Quick - where's my can of vocal emissions of orgasmic pleasure from Egyptian ruler Two Wank Cum Oon (or was it Wankh Xym or Nuun. Probably Never Titty, in my case...)? I think I need to douse my self in that there Pharaoh Moan before I goes out next...

¹ WELL, XYM. YOU MAY LIKE TO THINK THAT - DOESN'T MAKE IT TRUE THOUGH, YOU FAT UGLY PORKBUCKET!

² THE JEREMY KYLE SHOW, 24TH JAN 2012, 9:30AM ITV1. "I'M IN A GAY SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP... BUT AM I SLEEPING WITH MY BROTHER?"
  (SPOILER: DNA TEST SHOWED YES, HE WAS BUMMING HIS LONG-LOST HALF-BROTHER HE DIDN'T KNOW HE HAD.)

³ ALTHOUGH 'PRETTIES' IS NOT THE WORD FOR MOST OF THESE KYLE SHOW SHAGABOUTS - BUT HEY, BEGGARS CAN'T BE CHOOSERS.
  AND I'M BEGGING...

Sue Carpenter's 'The Thong'...

Didn't I warn them!

"Pray" I said!

"Destroy the Devil" I said!

...

"But they're not Devils... they're...

POD PEOPLE FROM THE PLANET MARS!!!"

According to that there Evening News,  a mysterious 'structure' has been found at the Roman town of Caistor St Edmund¹. And apparently, the outline of it appears to be in the shape of one of them spaceships!

It seems that them Time Team fellas filmed there in 2010, but uncovered a big fat nowt. Caistor St Edmund? Caistor St Edmund Blackadder, more like!

Anyhew, recent scans of the underground show a mysterious structure made up of two angled wings on a central structure. A lost scout ship from Outer Space, piloted by cannibalistic betentacled beasties looking for strange new worlds with nude civillizations, no less!

Time Team found nothing my best hat - Tony Robinson dug up a metamorphosing beastie with chomping pseudopods, and after cleaning all the mud of it,  it woked up and turned Baldric into a imitation Fat Tulip, who is probably right now feasting on the flesh of nubile young student archæologistettes with their trews halfway down their ass with their crack exposed to the elements so Phil Hardon has a place to store his trowel.

And by trowel, I mean cock.

I say we lock up the Time Team and get Kurt Russell to do a blood test on 'em! I don't want to be overrun by alien clones of beardy earthdiggers hell bent on colonizing the Earth, biting people with their chests and bursting all nudie out of their clothes and shoving their dirty knickers in the kitchen trash can.

That said, if it's nubile young student archæologistettes nudily bursting out of their clothes and assaulting me with their chests, I'll up for a bit of death by orifice absorbtion!



¹ OR VENTA ICENORUM - THE MARKET OF THE ICENI PEOPLE. WHICH PROBABLY MEANS THAT THE ICENI WERE ALL DESCENDED FROM THEM SPACE MONSTERS UNDER THEIR FEET. THAT MEANS THE QUEEN OF ICENI DOWN RIVERSIDE (MOTHERFUCKER) IS THAT SPAWNING MONSTROSTITY THAT ELLEN RIPLEY DUFFED UP IN ALIENS. THEMS NOT CHAVS DOWN THERE - THEY BE HOSTS FOR THE FACEHUGGERS TO FACEFUCK AND PUT A SPACE MONSTER IN THEIR BELLY. TEEN PREGNANCY BY ALCOPOP, MY ARSE! IT'S BLOODY NOSTROMO BASED FELLATIO FERTILIZATION!

STONE ME - THE QUEEN OF ICENI IS THE MODERN EQUIVALENT OF ANCIENT SUMERIAN ARCTIC ZIGGURATS² - THEY'RE BREEDING³ AN ALIEN RACE FOR A PUNCH-UP BETWEEN THEM AND PREDATORS OUTSIDE MERCY AND ROCCO'S!

² ZIGGUR ZIG - AH! IF YOU WANNA BE MAH LOVAH, YA GOTTA BE UNDER AGE. ANTHEM OF SPICE GALS CAROLINE SLACK(TWAT) AND QUENTIN-TARANTULA.

³ "I AIN'T GOT TIME TO BREED"
  "YOU GOT TIME TO FUCK?"
  PEW-PEW! PEW-PEW!
  "IT MUST BE FERTILE - IT'S BLOOD WAS ON THE LEAVES"
  "IF IT BREEDS, WE CAN KILL IT!"

Oh yeah it's Kryptonite, and the feeling's rite...

Och aye the noo! It's Burns' night!

The night we honour the Northern-Irish presenter of North West Tonight, World In Action and Granada Reports by stuffing our faces with Haggis, Neeps and Tatties.

But not some hag's nips and titties.

Though that would be nice.

But not the withered dugs of a hag.

Or something.

Anyhoo, I'm not exactly sure WHY we have to honour him now. Since the success of The Crapped On Factor, we now have the modern version of glorified Karaoke that is Simon Cow Hell's "The Ex Fucked Her".

It started out as a bit of a challenge. Mental Agility tests, Response tests, Observation tests, Physical Ability When Getting Assaulted On A Course tests, Intelligence tests, and General Knowledge tests.

Now you just have to warble into a mic with autotune on, flirt with Ollie Manures, cop off with Caroline 'Pædo' Flack and Bob Holness is your dead uncle.

What is it with Caroline's being Pædos? There's that advert, where Quentin plays the part of a Space Monster visiting Argos. Baby alien states "as a conundrum, it's up there with Justin Bieber and Egg-Nog". Dad alien says "Mmmmm... egg nog". Not so the 50 year old kiddie fiddler from Woman Behaving Badly - oh, no. She drools "mmmmmm... Bieber".

The corpulent cougar Caroline is perving over 15yr olds, just like that Caroline Flick-My-Clit! Except Caroline Slack(twat), actually shags the youngest contestants, like that jammy bastard Hairy Nobby Stiles.. No wonder her spin-off show's called The Extra Fucked Her!

At least that advert makes sense now - "Don't just shop for it - Our Gusset¹! Get in there you underage stud - call me Caroline Glitter! ♪ I'm the pædo, I'm the pædo, I'm the pædo with a flange, I am! ♫ "

¹ WHO CAME UP WITH THAT STRAPLINE FOR ARGOS? NOW TRY AND WATCH THE ADVERT AND NOT HEAR "OUR GUSSET" INSTEAD OF "ARGOS IT"!

Now that's tragic...

The things these washed up old celebs will do to get a bit of screen time!

Apparently, Wizbit himself (and the lovely Debbie McGee with her rampant rabbit) was doing some sorcery at the weekend and sawed his finger off.

Sawed his finger off my arse!

Not sawing his finger off my arse as in the sawing off of an inserted digit from my rectum. I mean sawed his finger off my arse! as in disbelief.

I've seen loads of magicians saw their thumb off. You just fold your thumb in, and slide the other thumb over the top! It's one of the simplest tricks a Magic Ian can do!

I reckon it was an excuse to get out of the annual fingering of the missus¹ when he wanted to read an Ali Bunghole autobiography instead coz he's too old to pleasure the young delectable Debbie McNympho (who thought Paul saying "Uju Buju Suck Another Juju" was a request for her to perform that special wand vanishing down (and up, and down, and up, and down...) her gob trick).

Izzy Wizzy let's get Jizzy!

As she said when fisting Sooty up his gluten g-spot!

¹ HA HA THIS-A WAY
  HA HA THAT-A WAY
  HA HA THIS-A WAY
  MY...
  OH MY!
  OH MY GOD!!!!!²

²  YES, I'M REFERRING TO THE LOVELY DEBBIE MCGEE INSTRUCTING PAUL DANIELS HOW TO PERFORM CLITORAL STIMULATION BEFORE ORGASMING TO THE THEME TUNE OF WIZBIT.
   PROBABLY WHILST IN THAT AFOREMENTIONED RAMPANT RABBIT OUTFIT.

The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #3...

Statues deftly nicked of ringpiece, Catch the thief of porn again...

Some people will nick anything!

There's one of them Ongoing Rows in Diplomatic Relations, because a soldier has nicked Saddam Hussein's buttocks.

Not his real buttocks, I point out. That would be necrophiliously gay.

No, this is the arse of his toppled statue.

So necrophiliously gay with a fetish for arses sculpted in bronze, then!

And the thief is an SAS soldier called Spud. "Spud", eh? Lovespuds = scrotular newton's cradle. He's named after a bollock! Not to mention the SAS - we've all heard about these military initiation bum-boy shennanigans they all get up to! Hands off cocks, empty your bollocks up the sergeants arse! SAS? Shagging Army Sphincters, more like!!

Which makes it a necrophiliously gay soldier-boy named after testes with a fetish for arses sculpted in bronze.

And they say the army is homophobic! Fear of homo's... being found out thieving the derrieres of despots and shaming The SAS.

Anyhoo, this bloke is trying to claim that the tyrant's turdbox is art. Like having a chunk of the Berlin Wall.

I remember the Berlin Wall - didn't that woman marry it after dumping another wall? She was also shagging walls too. I don't know, women who shag walls, men who shag pavements, and now soldiers shagging Saddam's sculpted shithole.

At least The Police have slapped an order on this pervy Private. He has been warned not to sell or deface the buttocks whilst under suspicion of breaching the 2003 Iraqi Sanctions Order.

Too right too. Even if the Iraqis did want Hussein's heiney back, I'm pretty sure they don't want his Baghdad booty all defaced fom some depraved army base bukakke party!

"I say Nadgers, Squiffy has forgotten the biscuit. We have nothing for our circle of frenzied onanism. They boys will have to stay in the Barracks tonight."
"That OK Carruthers, Spud has Saddam's arse in his bunk."
"Top hole!"
"Well, not so much hole, as sculpted crevice."
"Any port in a storm, eh Nadgers."

I dreamed of bream from t'Isle of Skye...

Well, not so much bream. More salmon, really. Alex Salmon

And I wasnae dreaming about him either. If I was to dream about The Scotch, it'd probably be Karen Gillan, Laura Fraser, Ronni Ancona, Clare Grogan, Carol Smillie & Dawn Porter, all "commando" in short tartan skirts and flimsy white blouses wresting in the cold, icy rain in peat bogs¹.

But not Shirley Manson or Tilda Swinton.

Anyhoo, Alex Salmon and his fishy demands for Scotchland Independence.

That's the problem with the highlander accent - they say they want independence, and the hacking newsfolk think he's talking about sawing a trench between England and Whiskeyworld so that Sporran Country can form a separate kingdom and be responsible for itself.

That's coz they only listen with their spycam microphones hidden in haggis.

What Alex wants is a return to traditional values. And under the Hootananny² state, the bagpipe blowers are not allowed to wear dirks in their white sox, let alone perform a RiveryDance over the top of a pair of crossed Claymores.

And I don't mean a duality of Farley Claymores lying crossways in a big X shape wearing leather knickers and a basque. Nor Farley Flavours, who wasn't even Farley Claymore, as he wasn't even in the sequel (not that Farley Flavours wore leather knickers and a basque - I suspect Dame Edna did, under that suit).

So, denied their sharpened sword Samba (a dance based around crawling on all fours like that Lion King thing), they want a nice, soft alternative to frolic over.

Such as a pair of gigantic pens made out of foam with a square cut out the middle to allow them to interlock into an X shape so that they doesn't roll about or cut your feet open if you make a misstep.

And, wanting to Make It On Their Own, the red-bearded Tam O'WilliamShatner wearers don't want to use big companies like Parker, Sheaffer, Faber Castell or Bic, they'll use a local, independent manufacterer.

Hence Alex Fishface's call for a referendum on the shortbread munchers call for Indie Pen Dance.

Even better, once the judges have used the pens to write the scores on their large, oversized scorepads, they can then engage in Glad-He-Ate-Her style tournaments like that one on the pillars with the giant cotton buds (or Q-Tips as them foreigners call them) as Ulrika(ka ka ka ka) Jonnson tosses the caber of the manager of the local footie team whilst pleasuring herself with a deep fried Mars bar.

The only drawback is that unlike a regular Claymore, an oversized foam pen is somewhat ineffectual in the lopping off of the bonce when faced with Immortals such as The Kurgan or Ronald McDonald of the clan McDonald.

Contender.... READY! Glad-He-Ate-Her... READY! 3... 2... 1...

THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!

And it won't be the one with the floppy weapon...

God damn you misty Jocks!

Dr Dagless: The cabin crew suggested we all go out and club it. I had no option. It was that or one of their B&Bs. I figured it'd be safer on the streets. For the first time ever I saw the Scotch in their natural habitat, and it weren't pretty. I'd seen them huddling in stations before, being loud but… this time I was surrounded. Everywhere I went it felt like they were watching me; fish-white flesh puckered by the Highland breeze; tight eyes peering out for fresh meat; screechy, booze-soaked voices hollering out for a taxi to take 'em halfway up the road to the next all-night watering hole. A shatter of glass; a round of applause; a sixteen-year-old mother of three vomiting in an open sewer, bairns looking on, chewing on potato cakes. I ain’t never going back… not never.
Dr Sanchez: My aunt lives in Scotland; she says it's quite nice.
Dr Dagless: Well, she's wrong.

¹ ♪AS XYMON LEAVES HIS MOSSY HOME
   BENEATH THE STAGNANT MERE
   ALONG THE FOREST PATH HE ROAMS
   TO HROTHGAR'S HALL...♫ SOD HROTHGAR - THERE'S CELEBRITY PRETTIES WRESTLING IN THE MUDDY FENS! EXPOSE YOUR LITHE BODIES TO MY RIGHTEOUS CLAWS AND LET THEM FLICKER AND WRIGGLE IN LECHEROUS GLEE!

² TO HOOT A NANNY, I BELIEVE, IS SQUEEZING THE "HOOTERS" OF THE "NANNY" (OR "BABYSITTER") AND MAKING A BICYCLE HORN HONKING NOISE .

Look, Mister Frodo! Bilbo's trolls...

You know them celebrititty gossip rags.

Thems what bang on about celebs, like:
"Eeeeh, she's a fat cow!"
"Eeeeh, she's a skinny bitch!"
"Eeeeh, look at them telephoto binkinini shots of her fatarse cellulite"
"Eeeeh, gotta fap over Johnny Depp"
"Eeeeh, OMG, like Katie Brand and Russell Perry-Comotose have, like, split up, an' he's like, so hot, and she's, like, a tramp, yeah?"

You know the ones! Anyhoo, ever wondered about the jealous harridans that provide all this drivel? Well, here's the editors of three of the big Celebrititty gossip rag editors:

Quite plainly, oil paintings all three. Phwoar. And ever so happy. Especially the witch on the right, the miserable old crone! I wouldn't smash any of their back doors in... I'd pop round the back door, ensure it's shut, padlock it, nail enough planks over it to repel a horde of zombies, build a false wall and add another back door. Made from steel. With a combination lock that would vex even Hans Grüber's team in Die Hard.  Yippee Kai Ay, Motherfucker? Xymni say nay, wouldn'tfuckher¹!

But enough of harpies harping on about herpes infested celebs and their Reel Life How I Found Love After I Shagged My GrandDaughter's Sister In A Threeway With Her Mother And Gave Birth To The Rapist's Kidnapped Baby Who Was My Long Lost Twin. A sidebar gave the following news:

Customers at The Odeon are demanding refunds after seeing The Artist, complaining that IT HAS NO SOUND And the projectors must've been faulty because the film they saw was in BLACK AND WHITE!

Well, I say Customers... clearly I meant GORMSTER RETARDS!

Naturally, when I go to see a silent black and white movie, set in the era of silent black and white movies, about a silent movie star in silent movies, obviously I expect it to be a technicolor cacophony of ocular and aural rapery. So what if all the trailers, posters, stills and promos are all in B&W with a silent soundtrack - when I get in the cinema, it should be like Wizard Of Oz - a tornado across the screen and suddenly it's all sparkly slippers and bellowing munchkins.

I mean, I saw this last week, and it's really good! I mean, I could follow it despite it's monochrome visuality and audio absence.

Then again, I'm not a cretinous gormstrosity who thinks mind vacuum gobshites like Wayne "Shag ancient granny, Kick round thing and spit" Rooney and Jade "East Angular Abroad up me kebab nyahahaha" are the height of sophisticated role modelling.

Honestly - some people just need a nice long hug.

Around the neck.

With a rope.

From a height.

With no underfoot support.

¹OH, WELL. IN FOR A PENNY...
...AND IF THAT WAS PENNY SMITH OFF GMTV ON THE LEFT IN HER BANZAI LEATHER CATSUIT, I'D BE WELL IN. OR SOMETHING.

I CAN IMAGINE THE ONE ON THE LEFT (FROM ON HEAT MAG) BEING A BIT OF A DOMINATRIX.

THE ONE IN THE MIDDLE (FROM FUGLY FELLOW! MAG) LOOKS LIKE A POSHO DADDY'S GIRL, PROBABLY RIDE YOU LIKE A PONY AND GOES OFF LIKE A WHINNYING ROCKET.

AND AS FOR THE WENCH ON THE RIGHT (FROM CLEARLY NOT OK! MAG)... SHE LOOKS LIKE A RIGHT DIRTY LASS. PROBABLY HAVE YOU ON THE GRIMY DISEASED FLOOR OF AN ABANDONED WAREHOUSE LAVATORY BEFORE SELLING YOU TO SOME HOSTEL STYLE ORGAN REMOVAL SERVICE. ALTHOUGH YOU'D HAVE TO DO HER FROM BEHIND TO AVOID THAT EVIL GLARE.

{creepy} Dooo come baaaaack...

I would be blogging more. but I took an arrow to the knee...

...but right now, I'm limping back to Shroud Hearth Barrow so I can pick up all that Draugr booty and bump up my blacksmitheries.

The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #2...

Xym's list of exciting stuff (Jan '12)...

Dates are the best I can get - being in the UK, I aim for UK dates, but may pick up US ones accidentally.

Book dates are for the Paperback editions (though I'll probably get the Kindle version if cheaper.

As always, let me know if you know different, or if there's something coming up I've forgot/don't know about!


Film

13 Jan 2011	The Darkest Hour Invisible electrical space monsters invade Moscow!
20 Jan 2012	Underworld: Awakening 3D Kate Beckinsale returns as Selene (in THAT outfit) in the sequel to Underworld: Evolution. The Xym suspects he might be seeing this one in iMax 3D…
27 Jan 2011	Intruders
10 Feb 2012	The Woman In Black starring Daniel Radcliffe
17 Feb 2012	Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance Nicolas Cage being all Elvissy again!
02 Mar 2012	Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
09 Mar 2012	John Carter Adaptation of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ John Carter Of Mars
09 Mar 2012	The Raven Edgar Allan Poe biopic
23 Mar 2012	Hunger Games Blatant rip-off of Koushun Takami's Battle Royale, rewritten by Suzanne Collins in the style of Twilight to appeal to younger teens. Send these unimaginitive types off to an island run by Kinji Fukasaku & 'Beat' Takeshi and subject them to The Program, Say I! That programme being Takeshi's Castle. Or something. Hunger Games my best hat!
13 Apr 2012	Cabin In The Woods
04 May 2012	The Avengers Put back from 27 Apr 2012
11 May 2012	Dark Shadows Tim Burton flick with Johny Depp and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !!
01 Jun 2012	Prometheus Ridley Scott's prequel to Alien. Or tie-in. Or nothing to do with Alien whatsoever.
01 Jun 2012	Snow White & The Huntsman
15 June 2012	Jack The Giant Killer
20 Jul 2012	The Dark Knight Rises Anne Hathaway cast as Catwoman
02 Aug 2012	Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter
03 Aug 2012	Total Recall [unnecessary] Remake
16 Nov 2012	Breaking Dawn part 2
14 Dec 2012	Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey
?? ??? 2012	.[rec]3: Génesis
?? ??? 2012	.[rec]4: Apocalypse
?? ??? 2012	Bill & Ted #3
?? ??? 2012	Dracula 3D BY DARIO ARGENTO! With Rutger Hauer as Van Helsing, and... ♥♥♥ASIA ARGENTO♥♥♥☺ as Lucy!!
?? ??? 2012	Dredd First edit of the new Judge Dredd movie has been screened, and final cut is now in progress
?? ??? 2012	Les Misérables Movie of the Musical. Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Russell Crowe as Javert, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Sacha Baron Cohen as Thénardier and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ as Madame Thénardier!!
?? ??? 2012	Mama New spooky Guillero del Toro movie.
?? ??? 2012	Silent Hill: Revelation 3D
?? ??? 2012	Thale Follow up to Troll Hunter, this time with Huldra instead of Trolls. Released in Norway on 17th Feb 2012
?? Apr 2013	Evil Dead Remake in progress.
03 May 2013	Iron Man 3
17 May 2013	Star Trek 2 Filming begins 15 Jan 2012
22 Nov 2013	Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire
15 Nov 2013	Thor 2
13 Dec 2013	Hobbit: There And Back Again
?? ??? 2013	Akira Remake being directed by Jaume Collet-Serra who did 'The Orphan'. Cast believed to include Gary Oldman, Keira Knightley and... ♥♥♥HELENA BONHAM-CARTER♥♥♥☺ !!
?? ??? 2013	Girl Who Played With Fire David Fincher's remake of the 2nd Millenium Movie
?? ??? 2013	Stephen King's The Stand Remake directed by Ben Affleck
?? ??? 2013	Wolverine, The Hugh Jackman in another X-Men sequel
?? ??? 2014	Captain America 2
?? ??? 2015	Doctor Who David "Harry Potter" Yates taking it on
?? ??? ????	Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest Remake of the 3rd Millenium Movie
?? ??? ????	Godzilla Warner Brothers reboot. Again.
?? ??? ????	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay
?? ??? ????	Pride & Prejudice… and Zombies
?? ??? ????	Rentaghost: The Movie Russell Brand has been replaced by Ben Stiller as Fred Mumford
?? ??? ????	Sin City 2 Screenplay almost finished

DVD & Blu-Ray

30 Jan 2012	Four Flies On Grey Velvet Rescheduled to allow more time to source better audio and work more on the prints.
23 Jan 2012	Tomie: Unlimited
06 Feb 2012	Legend Tom Cruise and Tim Curry
27 Feb 2012	In Time
05 Mar 2012	A Game Of Thrones (series 1)
05 Mar 2012	Immortals
02 Apr 2012	Demons Argento produced Bava preposterousness
09 Apr 2012	Demons 2 More Argento produced Bava preposterousness
30 Aug 2012	War of the Worlds: Goliath Manga-esque steampunk sequel to WotW (sort of like Scarlet Traces). Rumoured to also be in 3D.
?? ??? 2012	The Whisperer In Darkness DVD available! The Xym is awaiting the Blu-Ray to be released (Early 2012)
?? ??? 2012	War Of The Worlds: The True Story Tim Hines accepts flaws on his original WotW, and does a much better job on this faux documentary

TV (on Freeview/Basic Virgin Media - The Xym does not have Sky)

18 Jan 2012	Alcatraz Showing in UK on: Watch. JJ Abrams series - basically LOST set in a prison…
Autumn 2012	Red Dwarf Showing in UK on: Dave. New Series (The Xym hath never watched it, so may have to start)
?? Apr 2012	A Game Of Thrones (series 2)
Late 2012	Walking Dead (Series 3)
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 1)
?? ??? 2012	American Horror Story (series 2) Greenlit
?? ??? 2012	Dirk Gently Showing in UK on: BBC 4. Full series currently being filmed due to the success of the Pilot
?? ??? 2012	Grimm Showing in UK on: Watch
?? ??? 2012	Sinbad New mini-series
?? ??? ????	A Game Of Thrones (series 3) Filming begins May/June 2012
?? ??? ????	American Gods HBO mini series being adapted by Neil Gaiman
?? ??? ????	Journey To The West 13 part serial being adapted by Neil Gaiman. Probably better known as Monkey! in the UK
?? ??? ????	Munsters Remake. Pilot being developed by Pushing Daisy's Bryan Fuller
?? ??? ????	New Nabors A family's neighbours turn out to be The Muppets! What's not to like!!
?? ??? ????	Once Upon A Time

Music

05 Mar 2012	CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Fields of the Nephilim 2CDd+DVD, 2disc vinyl or Download (download includes Last Exit from Mera Luna 2008). CD1: ΛD•ΜΩRΤΣΜ (live 12 Jul 2008): 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Shine, 6 Wail Of Sumer, 7 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 8 Trees Come Down, 9 Psychonaut CD2: ΛD•VфΤΛΜ (live 13 Jul 2008): 1 Intro (Harmonica Man), 2 Preacher Man, 3 Moonchild, 4 Requiem, 5 Xiberia, 6 Zoon pt3 (Wakeworld), 7 Mourning Sun, 8 Celebrate DVD: 1 Shroud (exordium), 2 Straight To The Light, 3 From The Fire, 4 Penetration, 5 Wail Of Sumer, 6 And There Will Your Heart Be Also, 7 Trees Come Down, 8 Moonchild, 9 Psychonaut, 10 Mourning Sun
?? ??? 2012	Adam Ant Is the Blueblack Hussar in Marrying the Gunner's Daughter Adam Ant - Delayed from January. Rumoured tracklisting: 1. Hard Men, Tough Blokes, 2. punkyoungirl, 3. Rubber Medusa (aka Gun in My Pocket), 4. Cool Zombie, 5. Shrink, 6. Cradle Your Hatred, 7. Who's A Goofy Bunny, 8. Bullshit (a song about the internet), 9. When I Was A Sperm, 10. Dirty Beast, 11. How Can I Say I Miss You, 12. Marrying The Gunners Daughter, 13. Stay In The Game, 14. Valentine's Day, 15. Vince Taylor, 16. Vivienne's Tears, 17. Bumpy Capers, 18. Mios Agos Y, 19. Call Me, 20. Sausage, 21. Izzy Dizzy Bums, 22. Stand Up, 23. I Know, 24. Darlin' Boy
?? ??? 2012	CΣRΘΜΘΠIΣS Special Strictly Limited Collectors Edition Boxed Set Fields of the Nephilim - available on a first come first served basis exclusively from the official website. Content TBA.
04 Jun 2012	War Of The Worlds: The New Generation Jeff Wayne's re-interpretation of his original album to work in more of the novel, with new sequences and revamped score. Richard Burton being replaced by Liam Neeson

Gigs

10 Feb 2012	The Vibrators Norwich Arse Centre
06 Mar 2012	Killing Joke Norwich WhatACunt
18 Mar 2012	Inspiral Carpets Norwich WhatACunt
21 Mar 2012	Stiff Little Fingers & Spear Of Destiny Norwich WhatACunt
04 Apr 2012	Fascinating Aida Norwich Playhouse
11 Apr 2012	Sweney Todd Norwich Playhouse (Sondheim musical version!). Runs till 14th April.
13 Apr 2012	Drugstore Norwich Arse Centre
18 Apr 2012	Richard Herring Norwich Playhouse
10 May 2012	Neil Innes Norwich Arse Centre

Games

27 Jan 2012	Silent Hill: HD Collection remastered editions of Silent Hill 2 & 3
27 Feb 2012	Resident Evil: Revelations 3Ds
09 Mar 2012	Silent Hill: Downpour
23 Mar 2012	Resident Evil: Racoon City
25 Mar 2012	Animal Crossing 3Ds

Books

27 Jan 2012	The Annotated Sandman Vol.1
?? May 2012	Blake's 7: The Forgotten Scott,Cavan & Wright, Mark New B7 novel set between series 1 episodes 7 (Mission To Destiny) and 8 (Duel)
06 Sep 2012	The Educated Ape and Other Wonders of the Worlds Rankin, Robert
?? ??? 2012	e-Book back Catalogue Lumley, Brian
?? ??? 2012	Necroscope: The Möbius Murders Lumley, Brian
?? ??? 2012	Harry Potter (eBooks) Rowling, JK. Available via Pottermore. Delayed from October 2011.
01 Jan 20113	Sisterhood of Dune Herbert, Brian & Anderson, Kevin J.

Audiobooks

29 Feb 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #1 (audiobook) 1. The Turning Test, 2. Solitary, 3. Counterfeit. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Michael Keating reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Vila Restal
?? Aug 2012	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #2 (audiobook) 1. The Magnificent Four, 2. False Positive, 3. [tba]. Features original cast members Gareth Thomas, Paul Darrow and Jan Chappell reprising their roles as Roj Blake, Kerr Avon and Cally

In Limbo or Cancelled

IN LIMBO	At The Mountains Of Madness Movie adaptation of H.P.Lovecraft's classic, directed by Guillerro Del Toro.
IN LIMBO	Chrome Pendragon Pictures sci-fi flick
IN LIMBO	Forbidden Planet Remake written & directed by Babylon 5's J. Michael Straczynski
IN LIMBO	Good Omens Gaiman/Pratchett movie adaptation to be directed by Terry Gilliam
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Destroyer Final in the Hawk trilogy. Presumably waiting for funding, or after Hawk The Hunter
IN LIMBO	Hawk The Hunter Sequel to Hawk The Slayer, currently awaiting funding.
IN LIMBO	Myst Latest movie news October 2011: "Much has happened over the past few months and we will let you know what’s going on, but now is not the appropriate or best time"
IN LIMBO	Necroscope Script written and film "being worked on"… but no news for months
IN LIMBO	Neverwhere Gaiman movie adaptation awaiting a director
IN LIMBO	Sandman Gaiman TV Series adaptation awaiting a suitable director - Eric Kripke (Supernatural) was promising, but eventually turned down.
IN LIMBO	Stephen King's 'IT' David Kajganich is writing the script… no news on it for months.
IN LIMBO	Tripods, The Movie adaptation of the trilogy, re-set in America.
IN LIMBO	Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, Teresa Banks And The Last Seven Days Of Laura Palmer Remastered DVD/Blu-Ray with deleted scenes

Recent/Past items removed:

09 Jan 2012	Troll Hunter
06 Jan 2011	The Possession
26 Dec 2011	The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
25 Dec 2011	Dr Who: The Doctor, The Widow and the Wardrobe
23 Dec 2011	Liqueur: A tribute to The Cure
16 Dec 2011	Sherlock Holmes 2: A Game Of Shadows
16 Dec 2011	Adam Ant

And the public gets all the pubic wigs...

Dammit!

How comes I gets to miss nudie pretties flashing the gash as they mind the gap?

Baby gap?

Baby gap, my best hat! I was in the City and Gap is now Baby Gap. Now, to me, a baby gap is the gap the baby pops out of. And that's minge. And I just bet if I went in and asked the pretty fashionista behind the counter how much to purchase her poon, she'd slap me right round the face!

Or she might just sell herself to me to pay her student tuition fees! Coolio!

Anyhew, getting back to the original point, unfortunately it's not on the Londinium Underground. It's that there Mexican one. Michelle Rodriguez types, all trouserlessly traversing the tube all nudie below the waist!

There was me waiting till the Christmas Apocolypse to visit Peruvian and Mexican landmarks, and all the burrito bush and the peruvian pussy of the sexy women of Sacsayhuamán is on display NOW!

Perhaps I should organise one of them "flash mobs" on FarceBook with literal flashage! No Pants day on the Londinium Tube - not just going commando, as women in camouflage with black & green streaks all over their face and armed with a 7.62mm M134 General Electric Mini Gun (up to 6000 rounds per minute, 7.62*51mm shells, 1.36kg recoils) like the one Blaine had in Predator don't do it for me.

No - the whole removal of lower body raiment. But just for the ladies. I don't want Tottenham Court Road tube traveller's todgers dangling in me face!

Oh. Shitnuts. It's not Pants in the UK "pants = undercrackers" sense, it's Pants in the foreignland "pants = Shorts/Trousers" sense. Still, women in their scanties - I guess that works!

Ah, feck it - I'll start a new campaign - Boobies On The Buses! A day of norkage as babes brazenly bare their busoms on the First Bus... no, First Bust service! Seeing as my pretties seem to be adverse to photograhing their flange for Fannuary, perhaps they'd prefer to send me a montage of mammaries - jugs on the bus for breast cancer!

So, My Pretties, send me photos of you flashing your funbags on public transport and support Breast Cancer!

No way! Ya, Way...

I'm a sucker for a pretty, me!

I was a-walking down the road, when I was accosted by a hot babe and it's troll-faced dwarven munterescent behemoth.

Turns out it's a Jehovah's Fitness, with a misshaped Jehovas Shitness for company.

I can't remember want she was blathering about. Something about Church of the Latte Day Saints. Must mean me, then, for every day is Latte Day with The Xym (although it's now a Skinny Latte). And I'm always helping out delectable dames in distress, who often compare The Xym to a Saint.

Too be honest, I was too busy ogling her up. Then I got distracted thinking she should be called Sister Mary. THEN I started thinking about Fister Mary, and how I'd "Fist Her Mary (if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do!)".

Unfortunately, the malformed gnome kept butting in, and foisted a copy of The Book Of Morons on me. Now, as I recall, them morons are a cult, where the blokes are brainwashed into marrying multiple strumpets that they have to keep impregnated all the time.

How cool is that - non-stop shaggery of sexy Sisters Of Blessed Beauty, all smeared in Starbucks syrupy skinny latte! That's the religion for Saint Xym, the Adonis Adonai who selflessly steps in to satify the latex leather PVC nun outfit clad convent girls and give their tetragrammaton a right good seeing to!

And if Tetragrammaton, the secret name of God YHWH, isn't a euphamism for using four french letters, then I don't know what is!

The slim Xymni, avoids sweetie snacks #1...

Nick ny hair back and... YIKES! Where's me barnet...

Coiffure kleptomania!

Now, for some reason, The Xym is aborrent to The Pretties, yet a veritable cock magnet for The Gays.

Why can't it be Ladies after me instead? And if it has to be gays after me, then more skirtlifters, less shirtlifters, say I!

Anyhoo, as part of the new healthy regime and the *shudder* Exercise, I'm spending 30mins/1hr walking through The City at lunch.

So, I'm strolling up through the cemetary, up past WankYourMamma's, about to enter the mall when I'm accosted with a camp cry of "Ooooh! I'm gonna cut your hair off!"

I've heard of these Ed Gein types. Well, no-one's going to wear MY festive flamey folliclature as a burning bush beaver brazillian over their transgendered manginas!

Next thing, he'll be attaching my nipples to his belt, and wearing my acres of fat flesh as a XymSuit, whist sipping Starbucks from my skull as he rapes my dead mouth... with me own nob!

Unless he's using my ballball as a tea-cosy, with schlongskin covering the spout.

A fine sight to greet shoppers outside Chapelfield Mall, that is! Xym all dressed out like a butchered deer as a crazy catamite cavorts a cutaneous caper camouflaged (camelflanged?) in Epidermis Of Xym.

Still, that's Modern Art for you. Probably win that there Catherine Tate Modern Turnip Prize award.

Friday, Friday, WTF happened to Friday...

Timey wimey Lost type time displacemen shennanegans in Samoa!

Tired of the tribes being tattoed and stamping about in their Siva Tau war dances whilst bellowing gutteral war cries when out on the piss on Fridays, the Prime Minister thought that it might be a bit much to have a Friday Piss Up, then another huge one on Saturday for New Year's Eve.

So, the poor Polynesian populace went to bed on Thursday, and the Gallifreyan PM called up his mates in the Dharma Initiative to Pull The Big Lever and catapult Samoa one day into the future!

A gigawatt of lightning striking a DeLorean later, and everyone woke up thinking it was Friday, but no - It was Saturday!

Which pissed a lot of people off, having to prepare and shop for the New Year's Eve party at the last minute, with Friday lost to the ether.

Not to mention the fact that as their Island had skipped a day, they couldn't work on a non-existent Friday, so they lost a days pay!

And their jobs, probably. How believable is the excuse "I couldn't come in on Friday because my Prime Minister put me in a Tardis on Thursday, and the next thing I know it was Saturday! Which mean I couldn't come in until Monday!"

Maybe I'll skive off this Friday, and give that excuse a whirl.

And what about them there tourists, middle aged women all lubed up over oiled up beefcake grunting and thrusting their spears? Or thrusting at Britney Spears. Or getting a milkshake from Britney's "Pears". Or something. They lose a whole day of holiday!

On the plus side, they are 3 hours ahead of Sydney, instead of 21 hours behind. But if Sydney is fuelled on his Tetley tea, it won't be long before he catches up. Or ends up further behind, if he keeps stopping to put the kettle on, or hiding in the starionary cupboard with The Gaffer.

Presumably trying to get a gaypay rise by taking The Gaffer's spout in hand. Or mouth. Or up his bum. Or something.

Anyhew, them sneaky Samoans don't miss a trick. They only shifted some of the isles into the future. The eastern ones remain in the past. Meaning they can have their birthday one day, then canoe over the river to the neighboring Isle, and demand ANOTHER set of pressies because the next day will be their birthday again!

And they don't even have to go to church on Sunday and worship their Dagonic fish deities, coz it'll be Monday and Sydney is open for business!

Jammy sods!

Still, it explains why Prime Minister Tuilaepa Sa'ilele Malielegaoi prefers to be known by the more pronouncable moniker "Doctor Who"

I guess that's "Who" pronounced "Hooh! Hurgh! Hah! Whooar!!" as he frolics in the sands brandishing his weapon of mass distraction in a highly intimidating fashion, stamping his sandles in the Samoan sumo Siva Tau wardance.

Hairpiece nude year...

I could regail you with tales of Xmas and New Year.

Of the having it large to Darude's Sandstorm in the WhatACunt instead of Wraith/Alt.80s dubstepperies.

Of roasted spuds to die for.

Of immobile Charlie Chaplins scratching their arse with both hands RIGHT down the back of their trews (and thus ruining the illusion).

Of priestly pulpit punch-ups with Palestine Police (as opposed to Plasticine Police, which involved Morph being set up by Chaz. Or polystyrene police with X-ray specs on, ogling the wimmin under their burkhas).

Of The Poisoning of The Xym.

Of crocodiles lilght-fingeringly lifting lawnmowers to fight off sumatran rat-monkey invested zoo gawkers in their watery lair.

Of the Killeroo, duffing up children.

Of many other diverse and interesting entertainments over the past couple of weeks.

But instead, I shall bewail the lack of shaven haven's being sent in by my Pretties out there!

Remember, remember, the 'tache of Movember - back then, I reminded my young nubile pretties about Fannuary. Raise money for charity by going all baldy about yer box. You then post pictures as you grow your minge merkin, and post daily updates of your follicle flange as you tease it into a topiaried twat toupée.

So far, I'm yet to recieve a single flash of the gash. :(

I suspect everyone's forgotten since November about this charity event, so I'm providing a timely reminder.

So, c'mon, my Pretties - get shaving yer snatch and get that fanny photo'd! It's all for charity, so you've no excuse. Over the following days, I expect to be regularly updated with the progress of your labial locks, coiffured quim, pigtailed pussy, combover cunt or even just your elaborately vajazzled vaj.

Hurry up and send me your charity raising nudie pics already!

The slim Xymni, lowering fat, the slim Xymni won't be a fat twat...

Nude Years Day, and it's time the short fat porkbucket gots into shape!

And to ensure I put some effort into it, I'm making a graphical record of the defatification of The Xym!

It would seem that after a Lardy gut busting Xmas supply of buffets, meals and general festive foodstuff, I'm exactly on the stone marker!

And that's a lot of stoneage!

Unfortunately, I looked at one of them there "what is the correct weight for my height" malarkies, and it would seem that pigboy needs to shed at least a third of his lardy porkitude.

Yikes!

So, initial tablature herewith. Let healthy(ish!) meals, lunchtime strolls, and weekend walks into the city commence!