But no.
And what's with the whole afraid of darkness motif? Surely, you should be afeared of the encroaching darkness, for only then do the dwarvish humpty-backed kobolds come out to play.
And they're afraid of the light.
Except when there's a brightly lit dinner party on, so they can rampage amongst the floral arrangements whilst the daughter of the house creeps under the table for some upskirt photography in the hopes of capturing the hairy things on camera.
Or something.
Anyhoo - no-one, not even the misshapen mammaried Mrs Cruise, cares not one jot for the moaning brat and quimcam photographic antics (despite the trappage of trollery betwixt bookcases and the Grendel arm on the carpet).
• Gardener beat up by imps and stabbed with lots of tools? Put the child to bed and leave her all alone.
• Child attacked by imps and goblins? Put the child to bed and leave her all alone.
• Child creeps into bedroom to stay with parents? Carry her back to her own room and leave her all alone.
• Under attack by hordes of hellbeasts? Put the child to bed, go off in separate directions and leave her all alone.
You get the drift - not very popular is this brat.
Then again, neither is the slack jugged waif. Realising the brat has really crap teeth, and Katie is all Sensodynely sparkly, the fearsome oven beasts decide they'd rather drag Katie Holmes into the basement for the rampant rapey rogerage, teeth ripping out and conversion into a mini-troll.
And does the boyfriend give a shit? Does he heck as like! Just watches her trapped in the portal, and lets her be pulled off². And instead of tearing the chimney apart to follow her down, he just get in the car and buggers off!
Only to return {months? years?} later to shut the porch door.
Mind you, with such disappointing dirty pillows, it's no wonder he couldn't give a toss³!
¹ CHECK HER OUT - EITHER SHE CHOOSES THE LEAST COMPLIMENTARY AND UNDERSUPPORTIVE BAP-HANGERS TO ENCASE HER WITHERED DUGS, OR SHE HAS THE MOST MISSHAPEN UNFLATTERING FUNBAGS OF ALL TIME.
² AND IF ANYONE DESERVES PULLING OFF, IT'S NOT HOLMES. SHE SHOULD BE PULLING ME OFF. PROBABLY. OR SOMETHING.
³ AND IF ANYONE DESERVES A TOSS...
