Extortion!
The avaricious fingers of merchants aboundeth!
The Xym requireth one of them there straightjackets, for partaking of the tannin whilst wearing a towering topper.
And where can one get one's grubby mitts on such an incapacitor of insanity?
Well, you'd think with it being ME, log, they'd be all to willing to encase me in said restraintive bondageries and lock me in the padded cell to await Matron with the hot milk and biscuits.
But Nooooooo - they'd rather have me watching Will Farrell instead of in mental apparel¹.
Anyhoo, whilst passing the old biddie's tea shoppe, I popped into the Cock Rolex On² on the offchance. And they hads them! Size XL - (which, as all know, in Cock Rolex On terms is a smidgeon³ above a size zero).
Fifty squids!
Not to mention having to chop it all about, for an over-elaborate cog-based construction to be attached. The cost of Meccano these days!
So off to the the fancy dress shoppe - twenty squids! Outrageous! And narry a buckle or strap amonst it!
So I bought another monocle instead.
There must be somewhere I can find a cheap-ass straightjacket for the steampunking up thereof? If I've paid umpteen of pounds for an outrageous hat, only to be denuded of dozend of demoninations of dollars for a glorified long-sleeved blouse, I won't be happy!
Not to mention finding a teapot onna stick...
Honestly - how hard can it be? I just want a cane with a teapot on the top. But noooo - it's all golden balls, fiddly twiddly bits, horses heads, skeletal fingering and the like. Nothing NORMAL like a teapot. We're British - a nation of tea drinkers! Our national emblem is the teapot*, so why is there such a lack of teapot based trinketry?
I blame them Hairball Tease - like Lamps And Sue's Schlong, or Breakfast Tea.
Breakfast Tea! I had that once, and it tasted nowt like a full-on fry-up, let alone soggy cornflakes. Not a hint of the Sugar Puff, Rice Krispy or Special K. Apart from the milk. Coco Pops may turn the milk a sort of shitty mud color, but Breakfast Tea just turns it a dishwashery grey after all the Furry Lick Quid has de-bubbled it's bubbles through the grease of the (Stephen?) Fry-up.
And I'm not licking a furry quid just to get me mitts on some asylum wear.
Unless it's the Cock Rolex On Pretty's quid.
And by Quid, obviously I mean Quim.
LOL!
¹ ONE OF THEM AMERICAN ALLEGED 'COMEDIANS'. ENOUGH TO DRIVE ANYONE TO THE UNFUNNY FARM. OR SOMETHING.
² CHRONOLOGICAL TODGER ADORNMENTS , MAYHAP?
³ MORE THAN A TAD, BUT LESS THAN AN EENTSY BIT.
* CAN I SAY STEPHEN FRY IS A TEAPOT, OR IS THAT POLITICALLY INCORRECT? AFTER ALL, IF DERREN BROWN CAN CALL HIMSELF A 'MASSIVE GAYER', WHAT'S WRONG WITH ALLUSIONS OF LIMP-WRISTED SPOUTNESS WHILST HAND ON HIP IN GIRLY POSE? IT'S RELIGIOUS HEALTH AND SAFETY INTOLERANCE GONE MAD!
