Now, those of you that've been out with me know how I "dance".
Apparently, I'm a really good dancer. A man with rhythm. A veritable whirlwind of flouncy-ass arm waving preposterousness. One who has the moobs like Jabba.
I also vary my stylee according to the musicality on offer. For examplature:
● Stone Roses - double over, lurch about like an ape 1
● Happity Mondays - paw about like Bez. And pretend you have a pair of maracas.2
● Oh Arses - Clasp arms about base of back, bend forwards, crane neck upward, tilt head to one side and bellow 3
● The Mission - lots of gothy arm waving
● Adnams pissed his pants - lots of knee kicks and twirling about like a Red Indian doing a rain dance.
● Saturday Night - prescribes set of moves as laid down by Whiggers
● B52's - Lots of 60s style moves, and pretending your hands are lobsterial pincers. Nip! Nip! Nip!
You know the type of thing.
Anyhoo, last night saw the return to The WhatACunt of The Gay Dancer.
You've been to The WhatACunt - you know who I mean. Him, In the extremely tight denim jeans with the pointy brown boots. The blue bandana. The long sandy hair.
The same camp dance for every song that makes him look like a right girly girl in a big girl's blouse!.
Every dance the same, like a tart in a cage on The Hitman And Her. Quick, Travolta-y stomach clasps and arm thrusts, the shuffly quick-step, The Jackson Twirl. All he's missing is doing the splits.
Still, his dancing may be a bent as a paperclip that's been origami'd to buggery, but not as sexual as The Strumpet Blonde's Dance.
Remember the Lambada? Strewth - ratchet it up a few notches! There was practically intercourse on the dance floor! Not so much flexible as contortionistary! She was almost doubled over, thrusting her groin into his upper leg, one hand desperately tring to hold her skirt to cover her arse.
And failing.
And there's me, dancing to The Charlatans, one hand clasped over my eye as I take the form of Bowie's celebrated gnomic dance to their Britpoptastic hit The Only One-Eyed Gnome.
I don't know - some people just.
Can't.
Dance!
1 AS OPPOSED TO:
STONE ROSES - DANCE LIKE A HORSE
STONE ROSES - DANCE LIKE A HORSE
LOOK AT HIM GO
LOOK AT HIM DANCE
STONE ROSES - DANCE.
LIKE.
A HORSE.
2 SEE 1 AND REPLACE STONE ROSES WITH HAPPITY MONDAYS
3 SEE 1 AND REPLACE STONE ROSES WITH... YOU GET THE PICTURE. SAME FOR ALL THE OTHERS.
