Anyhoo, last night, I hit upon converse as to a long studied ephemeral interpretation of Day, and the subject turned to vampirism. Now, the pre-amble went like this:
"I've come to the conclusion that it is Day."
"If there are 24 hours in a day, then there's no hours left for night. ergo, night doesn't exist"
"Wot about Vampires then? How can they come out in Day if there's no night?"
"Dumbass vampires - can't go out in the burny sun? Slap on some Ambre Cirque Du Soleil, factor Ginger Anemia+. Problem solved, and you smell all coconutty and not of musty tombs - all the better to seduce virgins with."
At this point, a Vampiric Pretty pointed out they liked the scent of musty old tombs, to which it was pointed out that they had no choice, what with their nasal orifice being about 2 inches from the ground when hanging all upsidey-down by their taloned tootsies, and such a pose "does no good for your glamour in a dress"
Now, there is a triplicity of error with this.
Firstly, as all the wold knows, Vampires sleep in coffins and not all upsidey down, so there is little chance of their diaphanous dress dropping to reveal their racy lacy licentious labial linen1.
Second, Ladyvamps don't sleep in coffins anyways. They tend to drape themselves alluringly in soft focus looking all invitingly mussy on a rumpled bed, wanton succubuses that they are!
Take The Lost Boys. Jack Bauer and Bill S. Preston Esq.2 - Vampy blokes all hanging upsidey-down... but not Star. Where does Star sleep? On that sexually inviting messy bed, surrounded by soft focused lacy drapes in a steamy erotic 80s outfit. Does Michael walk in to the lair only to find himself face-to-flange with the kipper stench of Star's snatch? No, because for some reason, vamp women tend not to taunt their victims through seduction via the lure of inversion perversion.
And thirdly, No good for Glamour? I've heard of Glamour. Glamour Models and their Glamour Shots, brazenly baring their boobies for the camera! If anything, hanging all upsidey-down with your dress falling down to your face, presenting your pussy to all and sundry as your bared busoms bounce about is surely the epitome of Glamour!
In fact, I'm pretty sure most vampirettes are glammuh moduls. Apart from The Lost Boys, most wamphyri women once bit tend to end up in the aformentioned diaphanous gowns with no undercrackers. Gowns that tend to lack a frontispiece in which to encase their unfettered knockers. In other words; 99% of vampire Pretties are inevitably topless.
UNLESS, of course, that Vamp is one you really wanna see the norks of. Take Dracula with Sirius Black3. Every single bloody lady Vampire with their bountiful assets pounding the screen. A veritable cornucopia of unrestricted bouncing breastiture lezzing it up! Oooh, and finally Winona Ryder gets bit and becomes a vamp!
And do we gets to see Winona's wazzo pair of bang tidy wangers? Do we buggery fuck as like! I sat through the whole of that movie, waiting for Winona to whip her watermelons out, and it was a waste of tittytime. As usual, it's one rule for cheap tarts desperate to get into the movies, and another for celebs who don't want their baps papped!
...oh wait... oh my! Pretties posing upside down in dresses!
I think that has to be the new look for when Asylum starts! Goth Pretties, all dolled up in vampire dresses, dangling upsidey-down by the entrance to greet
Take note my Pretties, THIS is the new fashion...
1 UNDEAD-ERGARMENTS? UNDEAD-ERWEAR (UNDEAD AWARE... UNDEAD, I WEAR...)?
2 THE ONE WHO ISN'T KEANU REEVES IN BILL AND TED. TED, PROBABLY.
3 DAMMIT! WHY COULDN'T BELLATRIX LESTRANGE BE A VAMPIRE INSTEAD OF A DEATH EATER? PARADING AROUND THE MINISTY OF MAGIC, DANCING AS SHE SINGS "♪ I KILLED SIRIUS BLACK ♫" WITH HER NUDIE JUGS JIGGLING UNDER MESMERISING GRAVITATIONAL AND CENTRIFUGAL FORCES AND...
...SORRY, WHERE WAS I AGAIN...?
