It's all lies, they're not even square...

Right,

This came up on Farcebook today.

Now, instantly I could see 40-odd squares, yet some clueless gormsters were putting waaay less than 36, which is the bloody minimum number of squares (like 1 waffle has 4 square holes, in the shape of a square, on a square waffle = 6 squares. 6 waffles = 6x6 = 36. What the fuck do they teach in schools these days?)

Anyhoo, Pedantic, insufferable, smug gits will try and act all clever like, and point out that the answer is Zero, as there are no actual squares due to deformation of potato, and therefore with no true straight lines nor 90° angles, there are no squares.

Such people need a punch in the tits for being general gobshites of smug dumbass retardery.

In the spirit of mathematical, geometrical analysis, let us presume that these waffles represent true squares. Mentally realign, and let's deduce the number of squares within.

A brief analysis in Starbucks gave me a total of 55 squares, but now I'm home, a quick stylus overlay on the iPad, and I gets at least 111. And that's without rectangles - not even rectangles in the "there are 4 sides so a rectangle is, essentially, a square" as justified by cretinous thickos.

111, Xym? How the buggery fuck do you work that out?

Yay for screen capture, for here I show you a build up of 111 squares. Apologies for lack of neatness - if I had time, I'd create a neat version in photoshop, with a nice little animatic flashing up each square.

But I gotta tart meself up for The WhatACunt tonight, so ner!

Gash in the attic...

It had to happen at some pointt.

So, you've run out of ca$h, so to raise funds you call in them there bargain cunts to ransack your upper edifice in search of loot.

And so the BBC arrive and rummage about and come across what may be a valuable old Persian Kilim....

And it's at that point you remember you really should have removed the body of your husband you murdered 30 years ago before inviting Aled Jones in to hunt for treasure.

What's makes it even better is the village in Somerset - the village of Quimm!

Now, you're probably expecting more minge based pervatoricality, but you' be wrong. For death in Quimm (f'narr f'narr), Somerset pit me in mind of Midsomer Murder, and thus Midsummer and gormsters.

Not so long back, I was despairing at the lack of gaia's seasonal phases. Now, someone else has stared being as dumb as a sett full of post Gordon Ramsey sex dwarf twin consumption badger defacations.

Anyhow, the clueless wonder was blathering on about how it's officially Summer, as 21st June is mid-Summer, like middle of Summer.

Dumbass!

Firstly, it's not mid-Summer, it's Midsummer.

Second, Midsummer comes from ye olden dayʃ, and in olde Engliʃh, mid meant ʃtart,  beginning, geneʃiʃ, etc. ergo, ye olden feʃtival of midʃummer denoteʃ the ʃtart of ʃummer!

Honeʃtly, do they teach kidʃ nothing theʃe dayʃ ?

Spring forward, but don't fall back...

...from the edge of Beachy Head.

Every year we has this. Gormsters looking forward to hot weather.

"Oooh, I hope we get a Summer this year - no Hot Sun at all last year!"

Conveniently forgetting the heatwaves and soaring temperatures that plagued last Summer.

Anyhoo, what riled me today was that Facebook sent me a notification that a Pretty liked a status¹, and that status read: "Only 30 days till Spring!"

Now, I know these youngsters have been put through dumbed down GCSEs, but either their Maths is waaay off, or schools can't even teach the basics of the seasons.

Officially, Spring begins on 21st March. The Spring Equinox. The day of equal length that for centuries has marked the rite of the genesis of Spring.

Today is 31st January. 30 days from now is nowhere near Spring.

If the gormster had even a modicum of maths, they would have been able to work it out quite simply.
● Today is 31 Jan.
● In one day, it will be 1st Feb.
● There are 28 days in Feb (so no confusion with Leap Years). So, in 28 days, it will
    be 28th Feb, 29 days - 1st March, 30 days - 2nd March...
● Right up until the first day of Spring on 20 Mar which is 49 days!

It's not rocket science, now is it! It's amazingly simple. But for the thickos who seem to have no clue as to when the seasons statr and end, here is a handy guide to 2013:
● Spring starts 20 March
● Summer starts 21 June
● Autumn starts 22 September
● Winter starts 21 December

Hint for next year: Seasons begin around the 21st of the aforementioned months on an annual basis.

Bigger hint: Spring & Autumn start on days of equal length. Summer starts on the longest day of the year. Winter starts on the shortest day of the year.

Thus it has ever been throughout the centuries.

¹ AND AMAZINGLY, THE STATUS WAS THERE! FOR FACEBOOK IT A RIGHT ARSE WHEN IT COMES TO STATUSES (STATII?). YOU GETS A NOTIFICATION, GO INTO FACEBOOK, AND OFTEN THE NOTIFICATION IT TOLD YOU ABOUT AIN'T THERE! EVEN WORSE IS THAT SOME UPDATES APPEAR ON MY FACEBOOK FEED ON MY IPHONE, A DIFFERENT SET ON THE PC, AND YET A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SET ON THE IPAD! SAY I GETS A NOTIFICATION FOR A, B, C, D AND e. IPHONE HAS A & C, PC HAS A, B AND D, IPAD HAS B & C... AND CAN I FIND THE FULL MESSAGE OF THE NOTIFICATION FROM E? CAN I BUGGERY SOD AS LIKE! SOMETIMES, THE UPDATE AIN'T EVEN ON THEIR PROFILE PAGE! GRRRR!!

The Blue Eye of the Ginormous Scaly God...

What do you call a fish with no eye?

Apart from One Eyed Willy¹.

The answer is, of course, a swordfish.

A swordfish?

That great huge feck off giant Floridian eye (which is actually west, not North of Kathmandu².)? That big blue ocularity of mysterious origin of such mammoth dimensions it could only have come from an aquatic mammoth, Architeuthis Dux, Cthulhu himself, or a sub-aquatic pod³ person from the planet Mars?

They're trying to pass it off as a swordfish?

Now, I only watched it once, but as far as I can remember, John Trevolting, Vinnie Jones and Huge Actionman had regular eyes, and Halliberri just flopped out her mammarial flotation devices. Apparently.

It buggers belief, that no matter what the evidence is for Space Monsters, Loch Nested Monsters, 51 Arials and reptilian royalty, some greybeard will try and blag it through with some unlikely mundane explanation.

Never mind the direct path that the Cloverfieldesque behemoth took to get into the the Florida beach. A straight line goes from the discovery point through Louisiana (Swamp Things!), Dallas (Poison Dwarfs!), New Mexico (Roswell!) dips a toe in Phœnix (Fawkes!), the toe of the other foot tests the waters of Utah (Saints!), before arriving at the origin point: Nevada (Area S1!).

So, quite clearly, some back engineered mutation escaped from Simon Groom Lake, rampaged through Utah & mistaken for angelic beings of alien origin, ducked through Arizona & confused with birds of flame, tried to find it's ancestors crashed disk and identified as a big bug-eyed grey in Nude Mexico, through Texas (where everything is bigger, especially the eyes. But not Poison Dwarves), tromped through the bogs of New Orleans and taken for Alec Holland (And while we're deep in banjo & bayou country, didn't John "Hellblazer" Constantine witness a bloke being speared to death by a swordish on a car when looking up Alec & Abby? Probably noticing Abby had a purty mouth...), before swimming up to Tampa and being speared by Japanese whalers (who's musical career went South when Jacob marley died. Deep South. With the Southern Fried KKKFC chicken. or something.)

Hence its monstrous eyeball washing up and putting the wind up the locals.

As if all the world's experts would misidentify the Gaze Of Dagon as some poxy fishie.

Swordfish, my arse!

Literally, a cyclopean cephalopod of the colossal calamari persuasion!

It be ye all-ƒeeing eye of one ye minionƒ of ye greate olde ancientte onneƒ, and ye ƒtarreƒ are almoƒt right, and comme 21 Decemberre, they will aryƒe from ye tombƒ in yon depthƒ and throw a bit of a tantrum.

As you do, if you're a deity from the Dawn of Time and Space Beyond the Spheres.

¹ [SIGH] FISH. OUT OF MARILLION? DEREK W. DICK. DICK = WILLY. ONE EYED WILLY = COCK. OR THE PIRATE IN GOONIES. HEY YOU GUYS! TRUFFLE KNUCKLE SHUFFLE! OR SOMETHING...

² ACTUALLY, IT'S QUICKER TO GO EAST. YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE IN THE UK ARE WORRIED ABOUT BEING IN THE MIDDLE OF A NUCLEAR WAR BETWEEN AMERICA AND RUSSIA. THAT'S COZ THEY'RE STUPID. IF YOU MOVE THE MAP ALONG. SO THAT BRITAIN IS ON THE FAR LEFT (OR RIGHT), YOU'LL NOTICE THAT AMERICA AND RUSSIA ARE REALLY CLOSE TOGETHER, SO INSTEAD OF US BEING NUKED, THEY COULD ALL MEET UP IN THE CHUKCHI SEA FOR A PUNCH UP. PREFERABLY ALL THE FEMALE SOLDIERS. IN BIKINIS.

Standard map - look! There's the UK, slap bang in the middle!
What cunt put us there, right in the Fallout Zone?

But shunt the map over...
Russia:West, USA: East, UK: Well out of it!
and any nuclear winter falls in the North Pacific Ocean!
WIN!

 ³ AS IN A POD OF DOLPHINS. OR IS IT A SCHOOL? NO, PRETTY SURE IT'S A POD OF DOLPHINS. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY - AS LIKE AS TWO BOTTLE NOSED DOLPHINIUMS IN A POD. PROBABLY.