Tie me kangeroo down, sport, and coat it in a special blend of secret herbs and spices...

Let us not mention vehicular assistance for pummeling pugilistic Polish Pretties punching powerfully ending in disaster(ish)...

Let us not mention the impact pain running up one's shoulder and through one's neck due to pummeling pugilistic Polish Pretties punching powerfully...

What we WILL mention is driving past KFC late at night and seeing their new option,

PULLED CHICKEN!!!

WTAF? Is this similar to choked chicken? A twist on them chavvy burger tossers hilariously adding their own special condiments to the burger?

"Hello, my Pretty, what can I get you"
"Urgh, Just give a burger, you scabby no-mark"
"Pulled pork sword with choked chicken mayo on it's way"

Disgusting, the filth they serve in these fast food places! And they get away with it too!

Take a good long look at that picture of Colonel Sanders,

Then take a look at Rolf Harris.

Note the similarity? 

No way am I ever ordering a filet o' fish now! For all I know, it's a M^cSpunky filet o' flange that some antipodean pædo has been dipping his didgeridoo in.

Can y'tell what it is yet?

Yeah, a M^cFlurry from out of your 'extra leg', I'll wager!

Foxx got the runs...

So, today was Independent Record Store Day, where some artists release exclusive limited edition vinyl to promote independent traders, and not be fleeced by Spotify and iTunes and shit.

And, naturally, as some people work on Sat, it's a case of "Xyyyyyym, you're about in the City.... can you pick up a couple of things for us please...."

So, after Bootcamp, I ends up in the City about 10 past 1...

..and there's a queue...

..and some people were queueing overnight!

But this queue is ever so slow - no-one goes in, no-one goes out, no movement - honestly, how hard can it be to walk up, say "Have you got Xxxxxxxxx in?", and walk out if not, or purchase it if they have?

But, 1hr 15mins later, I end up making the 2 shop journey into the shop...

...where all the new special releases are on the counter. In boxes (luckily in alphabetical order).

And so, each preceding person peruses each and every box. Slowly. Picking out records, studying them (slowly), putting them back, reading all the sleevenotes on the next (slower).

But I eventually reach the boxes.

And guess what.

Naturally, the 2 limited edition John Foxx albums I went to collect were not there. 

So, I ended up buying a ticket to see the UK Poo Farters tribute act.

Oh, the joys of being available on a Shat Turd Day.

Creative Xym is creative...

Apologies for the lack of updates o'er the last 2 weeks, but Xym hath been busy bees!

Job hunting
I finally signed on (after being told I had to have <£x savings, turns out I didn't, & could've signed on straight away). Anyhoo, a LOT of time has been spend fulfilling The Governments Rules on Job Hunting :(

Exorcising
Casting out the Mammon! Since starting Adrenalize, Xym hath lost 20lb, 3" off me waist, 4" off me belly, and body fat down 5.6%! Go me!!

Spiderxym
Takes a web, any site, commissioned to redesign!

So, I gets a message through That There Facebook: "Are you still on the job hunt scene?  If you have a moment I would like a quick chat with you."

Oooh! Jobby job job?

Alas no - people hath once more been extolling the virtues of virtuoso Xym and spreading word of his mavellousness. And so Xym has been charged with having a look at the orangey overcomplicated mess of a website and seeing what he can do with it.

So, I has spent ages redesigning the Jaquard Anthems Website! And here is the result of my much more user-friendly simplified tinkerings:

Jacquard Anthems Website

Ooooh! Not only is it cleaner, with less too-small unreadable embeds with scrollbars, but is now readable on tablets and phones! And I gave it a forum too! You ask - I deliver!

And the new logo? Yes, that IS John and Jon, all Sisters Of Mercified! A couple of people have asked how I did it, so here's how...

The making of a logo

1. Have a fabbo idea!

The logo was inspired by John "King Of The Goths" Faircloth, who is a huge Sisters fan, so I thought it would be fun to create him in a Sisters Style.

So, as I starting point, I looked at the classic logo on the Greatest Hits cover:

Simple enough - three rings, some text, and a face looking up and to the left.

2. Choose the base image

Well, I can reverse that image, and with a bit of rotating, I can get John in the correct position to create the black & white outline.

However, John isn't the only DJ. What about John Fry?

So, somehow I need to incorporate the two.

As I like the circled text, is there another logo I could find to replace the solitary head?

3. Central 'head' replacement

Well, the nearest Sisters image is this. A face, one head, tilted looking upwards...

I can work from this - how about I put a dividing line down the centre, and have it half-and-half?

Right - concept in place. Let's start creating a logo


4. The easy bit!

Powerpoint! 

Why powerpoint? Because I only have Photoshop CS2, and it doesn't allow me to create circular lettering.

So, on a new slide, I created a set of concentric rings.

Next - I added some text using 2 WordArt objects. One containing "Jon Fry & John Faircloth'*, & the other containing "● Jacquard Anthems ●"
*as you can see, the names are now in a different order - see below.

Then, using Format > Text Effects > Transform, the circular text was created.

The font used was Caslon Antique, which comes as a standard font with Windows and looks somewhat Sistersy (if not the actual font itself!).

5. Base image #2

Now I just need a photo of the DJs to base the head on.

Luckily, this was captured at the last event, so I have the two together...

...and as John is on the left, and Jon on the right, this is why their names are in this order in the logo.

6. Photoshop!

Now I have to create the basis for the faces, and merge the two into one!

A bit of cut, paste, rotation, and I manage to create this ungodly hybid!

Right, on with the tracing...



7. First attempt...

Create a new layer, and roughly draw in the outlines...

What a blinking mess - really hard to draw steadily with a mouse! And me tablet pen has decided not to work at all! Still - it's a rough idea how it may turn out.



8. Second attempt

Well, now I has to train meself in how to draw curved lines in Photoshop! I used to use PaintShopPro, so unfamiliar with Photoshop and it's bizarre methods!

But one google session later on Path Stroking (oo-er missus) and I gets nice smooth lines! A few plotted points on a new layer, and we get this image.
(I had to move John in a bit, to compensate for being at an angle to the camera, and not head-on)

9. Completing the 2 face for inclusion

Finally, I drop in a layer between the photo and the drawn lines, and fill it with a block black.

Am I happy with that? You bet I am!!

Oh FFs, I spent all that time on John's beard beads, I missed his dangler out! Oh well, earrings aren't the be all and and all!


10. Final composition
Finally, I copied the Powerpoint slide and pasted it into Photoshop as a new layer, removed the central circle and positioned it accordingly. And this gives us the final, completed logo:

God, I'm totes amazeballs!

Olé, Olé, Olé, Olé, Xym is hot hot hot...

Svelte Xym is sexy!

Boosted by feathery millinery and twiddlesome tasheries, the new chiselled cheekbones of New Look Slim Xym is causing gussets to gush freely, as lustful arousal is newly waken'd in Pretties heaving busoms!

It's now getting somewhat obvious that trim Xym is slowly Skeletoring, and noticabley nobler and thinning out.

Xym's face - no chubby chops no more! 

Xym's waist... wait, what waist! There is much less Xym when it comes to cuddly huggage!

Downside - all me clothes are now somewhat ill-fitting, and once plumply posteriored jeans are now all sagged and empty.

And attention... if you thought Xym had all the attentions before, that was nothing! Barista Babes, Polish Pretties, Barbabes, Acquaintances and FOAFs - all are in adoration of The Xym!

Alas, far to many Pretties are too enamoured of The Xym, and are fearful to approach this veritable godlike figure that doth inspire awe (and fear that their ladyparts my explode in orgasmic pleasure. or something.).

So, my Pretties, any applicants for the position of Xym's Lady - my sister Jo has taken it upon herself to vet all succubuses, as left to my own devices I'd pick the first one that batted an eyelid at me.

That happened once - a very surreal game of cricket that was.

A rolling stone falling off goths...

Ow.

Ouchies.

Eeep and aaaarrrggh as well. 

Bootcamp #3 done - toughest yet, but Xym still managed to complete every task! And yet another Hot Pretty in lyrca joins the group!

But, lovely ladies aside (ass-side?), it appears Exercise and Calorie Control is having an effect on Yours Truly...

I'm a full stone lighter! If not more! Go me!

Watch out Pretties - Xym is getting slim!!

Erhmagherd! Xym pulled...

Yes, Xym actually pulled!

He pulled a woman!

"Eh, whut? How can this be? Surely Xym is famed for being a lecherous leerer of ladies, perving at Teh Pretties from afar - Xym is far too shy and scaredy-cat to actually approach a Pretty, let alone pull one!"

Now calm down - this was Bootcamp, and so the pulling in question was hauling away on a rope tethered to a truck's tyre containing a female fitness instructor.

Well, at least I can legitimately claim to have finally pulled...

...and at least I didn't pull a muscle... which could have been embarassing (if you know what I mean, and I'm sure that you do! And if you don't - pulling a particular muscle whilst admiring bouncing babes in lycra. Tugging at tumescence is not the training they had in mind for Longwater Recreation Park. I believe that is more Mousehold Heath territory. or something...)

Xy of the tiger...

Yo Adrianne...

..XYM DID IT!

He be a natural Boxer Man!

Gonna be soooooo slim...

Let's get physical, physical...

So, t'other day I sorta mentioned obliquely in passing that I had a consultation with Adrenalize about getting The Xym all trim and shizzle.

Thankfully, my personal trainer is away next week, so my first 1-to-1 session is a week on Wednesday.

Today, however, I went to Bootcamp for an hours group exercises.

Now, for a poor old short fat gothboy, whose main exercise is raiding the fridge (Hey, if Lara Croft can raid tombs, I can raid fridges. All's fair, right?), this was somewhat daunting,

However, I think I wheezed through most of it pretty much OK...

I did planking (I said planking), weight tossing (I said weight), running through a ladder like a girly fairy, flipping off a tyre (my, exercise is euphamistic!), weight lifts, push-up walks (yes, walks), crunches, mountain climb push uppy things, skipping (at which I'm useless), lunges, trampolining, weight lifting curls.

I must admit, I did struggle about 2/3rd of the way through. And not just because lycra clad women skipping or bouncing on trampolines is bit of a distraction.

But, I've made a start! I WILL be Slim Xym.

And as everyone knows I've committed myself to it, there's no backing out now!

Go team Me!