Xym's list of exciting stuff (Oct '13)...

October

7th	The Brightest Light - new album from The Mission also available in Limited Editions and Box Set
7th	Truckers - Book 1 on the Nome saga released on DVD!
8th	American Horror Story: Asylum - released on Blu-Ray
9th	Sleepy Hollow - Ichabod Crane wakes up after being entombed for 250yrs… series starts on UK TV, Universal Channel 9pm
14th	Splinter - new album from Gary Numan
17th	Blake's 7: The Liberator Chronicles #6 - 3 new audio dramas: Incentive, Jenna's Story, Blake's Story
21st	Curse Of Chucky - Straight-to-DVD/BluRay sequel
22nd	The Cult - playing at Norwich UEA
25th	Batman: Arkham Origins - released for PS3, etc
25th	Paranormal Activity 5 - in cinemas
26th	Hazel O'Connor - playing at Norwich Whatacunt
29th	Assassins Creed IV - released for PS3, etc
30th	Sandman: Overture - Neil Gaiman's "prequel" to Preludes And Nocturnes
30th	Thor: The Dark World - in cinemas

November

7th	Discworld: Raising Steam - new book by Terry Pratchett
11th	Artpop - new album from Lady Gaga
22nd	Hunger Games 2: Catching Fire - in cinemas
23rd	Day Of The Doctor - 50th anniversary episode of Dr Who, to be aired on BBC1
25th	Bauhaus Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set comprising of: In The Flat Field / Mask / The Sky's Gone Out / Burning From The Inside / Singles collection
25th	Fields Of The Nephilim Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set including expanded editions of: Dawnrazor / The Nephilim / Elyzium / Earth Inferno / Singles & Mixes
25th	Gene Loves Jezabel Remasters - Beggars Banquet remastering and reissuing 5-Box set including expanded editions of: Promises / Immigrant / Discover / The House Of Dolls / Kiss Of Life
29th	Stephen King's Carrie - remake in cinemas (Chloe Grace Mortez as Carrie, Julianne Moore as the mother)
29th	Lene Lovich - playing at Norwich Arse Centre

Rest of 2013

11 Dec 2013	The Damned - playing at Norwich UEA
13 Dec 2013	Hobbit #2: The Desolation Of Smaug - in cinemas
18 Dec 2013	Fields of the Nephilim/The Mission - playing at O2 Academy, Brixton
21 Dec 2013	Combichrist - playing at Slimelight
28 Dec 2013	Liqueur: A Tribute To The Cure - Inbetween (Xmas and New Year) Days: playing at Norwich Whatacunt

2014

31 Jan 2014	Blake's 7: Classic Audio Adventures #1 - New audio drama: Fractures
07 Feb 2014	Robocop - in cinemas
22 Feb 2014	Liqueur: A Tribute To The Cure - playing at The O2, Islington
14 Mar 2014	Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - in cinemas
14 Mar 2014	Maleficent - in cinemas. Angelina Jolie cast as Maleficient .
04 Apr 2014	Captain America: The Winter Soldier - in cinemas
02 May 2014	The Amazing Spider-Man 2 - in cinemas
16 May 2014	Ninja Turtles - in cinemas. Megan Fox cast as April O'Neill. Oh dear…
16 May 2014	Godzilla - reboot in cinemas
29 Jun 2014	Transformers 4 - in cinemas
17 Jul 2014	X-Men: Days Of Future Past - in cinemas
01 Aug 2014	Guardians of the Galaxy - in cinemas
22 Aug 2014	Sin City 2: A Dame To Kill For - in cinemas
12 Sep 2014	Resident evil 6 - in cinemas
?? Sep 2014	Being Frank: The Chis Sievey Story - DVD//Blu-ray released. Bio-pic about Chris Sievey/Frank Sidebottom
21 Nov 2014	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 1 - in cinemas
?? Dec 2014	Hobbit #3: There And Back Again - in cinemas
?? ??? 2014	Evangelion 3.33: You Can [not] Redo - released on Blu-Ray
?? ??? 2014	Nightbreed: The Cabal Cut - released on Blu-Ray
?? ??? 2014	The Tomorrow People - Will be aired on Channel 4

2015

01 May 2015	Avengers: Age Of Ultron - in cinemas. Joss Whedon writer/director! Script now has Quicksilver and Scarlet Witch
06 Nov 2015	Ant-Man - in cinemas
20 Nov 2015	Hunger Games 3: Mockingjay pt 2 - in cinemas

2016

?? ??? 2016

Pirates Of The Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales - in cinemas

Rumour Mill

TV	Westworld - Series based on the '70s Sci-Fi movie
TV	The Exorcist - Series based on the movie
TV	12 Monkeys - Series based on the movie
Film	Avengers: Age Of Ultron - James Spader cast as Ultron. Tony Stark's AI system "Jarvis" likely to be the genesis of Ultron.
Film	Godzilla - A "giant insect" seen in early teasers - Mothra?

Ralph, ralph, let it all out...

Well, if Ralph is Wraith, then Wraith is Ralph!

Interesting night!

Not much in the way of Xym adoring Pretties this month, but much interest in one's hat.

But at least I had mah Sisters and Skinhead Pretty (who is NOT a mod!).

Which may have dampened one's admirer's adoration somewhat. Not quite what one hoped to be dampening (if you know what I mean, and I'm pretty sure that you do).

Anyhoo, mod insultation was rejoined with accusations of geekery!

Xym! A geek!

And then there was further descent into derogatory defamations of The Xym.

Mainly coz he don't get hangovers.

But he dids have a plastic protruberance poised on his pursed lips.

or something.

Which caused much confusion, for as all the worlds knows, The Xym don't smoke!

Waiting for the Brand...

Earleh into City to get some tickets for Russell Brand.

First stop: Smithe for a Lotto ticket.

What's? I can't has me plus 5? And I can't have me Wednesday ticket?

Wassat? Lotto is changing and going up to 2 squid a ticket!

Feckcicles!

So, grumble grumble, off to Theatre.

"Xym, get tickets up to 20 squids. Should start at £6.50 upwards"

6th in queue. Not too bad.

Doors open... 

Oh, only one slow old duffer and a fawning girl on the desks.

First up... 

"Can I has 10 coporate tickets. And I'm a friend of the Theatre. And I have these discounts and...."
Shut yer face and just buy a ticket, you miserable old witch! Tickets are selling faster online!

Second person with the old duffer...

"Well, we have seats here, or here, or upstairs here"
"Ummm. errrr... let me think"

No! Don't think. Buy and FUCK OFF!!

A thousand years later I gets served.

"What are the ticket bands?"
"All tickets are £27.50 for this show Sir"

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuckitty Fuck 

"Gimme 4 so I can just fuck off out of here, ya cuntbox!"

Grrrrrr...

There was something else that caused great vexation too, but I can't remember because EVERYTHING'S gone to shit today

:(

I can see fish soarin' in the air tonight...

You know when you're a japanese schoolgirl, and your dad is a slave driving sushi chef? Constantly beating and berating you for not fingering the rice properly, and transferring your womanly scent onto the salmon and shrimp slices?

So you run away and become an waitress at an Inn, where it just so happens that a Corrupt Company is visiting to sample the sushi.

And it just so happens that the ex-CEO of that corrupt company is lurking nearby, having been fired for reanimating dead material, about to weak his wewengay upon his former employees. And just how does he do it?

Why, by reanimating a squid, and sending it off to infect the sushi with the reanimatory serum!

And lo, the squid flies off (yes, squid can fly through the air!) and sticks its' suckers onto sushi. The salmon Sushi and the shrimp sushi immediately turn on their non-ichthyan egg-based cousin who flees in terror. Lifting their fish slice topping from the rice and baring their teeth, the sushi cackles in glee!

The sushi epidemic spreads and takes to the skies! Swarms of sushi take to the skies and descend upon their hapless victims. The evil corporate secretary takes a Salmon Roe ikura gunkan-maki to the tongue, before being hit by multiple fish dishes!

Oh noes, the egg sushi has taken refuge in a store cupboard, but before Our Heroine can bash it with a broom... it lifts up it's egg lid and sings her a soothing seranade!

Aww, cute singing sushi! Now Our Heroine has a firm friend on her shoulder, christened "Eggy", whispering words of encouragement in her ear.

But alas, they're locked in... how to escape? Luckily, Eggy has a trick up his Soy Sauced sleeve - it spews acid! A quick vom on the lock to dissolve it, and escape is made!

What's that out of the window... oh 'eck! A Fat Belly Tuna nigiri is humping a Salmon nigiri on a tree... it cums and out of the Salmon nigiri is birthed an unholy shoal of baby sushi!

Whoa - look out! A school of sushi is swarming by! Dive out the way, quick!

Ermagherd! The bite of the sushi is not only lethal (why, a swarm can consume a corpse to a skellington in seconds), but those they do not consume rise up as Rice Zombies! Spewing deadly plumes of rice at their enemies - uh oh - The zombified Inn owners have cottoned on... 

...Husband stands behind wife, turns her to aim... a squeeze of the titties and... FIRE! Blam! Blam! Blam! Busom triggered cannonfire of rice!

What to do? Ah - connect sushi into adjoining sections to form...

...sushi nunchucks!

Twirl! Swirl! Smash a sushi out of the air! 

Run, people, run! Run for the abandoned office...

...as the Ex-Ceo mergers himself with a Tuna nigiri and mutates into...
...part-Man ...part-Tuna ...all psychotic sushi!

Oh, the huge manatee!  (geddit? no? Well, please yerself then!!)

♪ Fish head, fish head, roly-poly fish head! ♫

Run down the trail... "Save yourselves... I'll fend them off and save you!". Ah, but he didn't expect the nigiri mutation. For as the salmon lifts from the rice... a spout comes out and napalms him in the face! Fire beathing sushi!

Meanwhile, back in the safety of the abandonded offices...

...the one uncorrupt salaryman of the corrupt company (and sone of the CEO) is stuffing his face with ramen noodles. Unaware that the ex-CEO and batrachian behemoth hybrid has snuck some roe in with it, thus causing his face to seep fishy noodles out of his cheeks to death.

And if it couldn't get any more mental... the kamikaze sushi bands together to form an arial battleship, replete with sushi cannonfire! Eggy to the rescue! A tiny egg nigiri taking on a huge battleship formed from rice, fish and seaweed strips.

Oh, how can our remaining survivors survive?

Simples - shouting at sushi!

Seems that sushi can't bear being shouted at, and dies on impact with the soundwave. So shout at a cloud of super-sushi, and they drop dead! Fillet off the teeths from the slice of fish, pop the de-fanged treat back on its' bed of rice, and scoff 'em down into your belly!

I started to drift off at that point - they overcame the swarm, then there was an expositiony bit. And then I must've fell asleep, coz I can't remember the actual end, or what happened to fishbloke, Eggy, Our Heroine and her Sensei.

But I suspect that Mr Fish ended up dead for the fourth time, Sensei recovered from his the knife phobia after accidentally killing his wife and taught Our herine how to become a proper Sushi Chef.

But killer sushi though - how awesome is that!

Here is the cock, the Trumpington cock...

Ah, the Village Hall, where many an English Tradition holds sway.

● OAPs taking tea and cakes, and waltzing to Irving Berlin.
● Jumble sales to grab a cardi (only gold though, as everyone looks good in a gold
   cardigan)
● Wedding receptions and school discos¹ with Black Lace pushing pineapples and
   shaking trees.

Oh, how that innocence is shattered in Trumpington!

For the Village Hall has been booked for a Relationship Support meeting. You know, counselling for estranged couples...

...oh wait...

...the support group organising the event is "Peer Rope Cambridge" in association with "Cambridge Kink". And it's THAT kind of relationship support! Club Antichrist comes to Trumpington!

Yes, their "Relationship support" is an evening of tea and cakes, followed by a flogging workshop (amongst other diverse deviancies).

● OAPs taking tea with the parson.
● Fumble sales to grab a granny
● Ravey clubnights with Leather & Lace & PVC & Latex & split-crotch onesies with the Ahhhh! Gahhhh! Do! Do! Do shove pineapples up the arse!

Fisting in the Village Hall! What next, being fisted up by Stuart Hall? Full Monty Firemen (Yes, Mickey love): Boobs, pubes, horny old dudes, handcuffs, nipple... CLAMPS!

One has to laugh at the news article though:
Adverts were published for an event to include spanking, flogging and "kink on a budget", served with tea and cakes at an unnamed south Cambridgeshire venue.
The trustees of Trumpington Village Hall said they believed their venue had been booked "under false pretences".

This is like that "new and improved" argument. Nothing can be New and Approved. It's either new and never existed, or it's an existing thing (therefore not new) that has been improved². Likewise, how can an Unnamed Venue be the Trumpington Village Hall? It's either unnamed, ie undisclosed, or it's the one named in the article as Trumpington Village Hall! Grrrr...

Mind you, it'd spice up Phoenix Nights somewhat!

"Garlic bread? Garlic bread? What's tha' doin' wi' t'baguette... by 'eck, I don't pity tha' 'usband when 'e comes 'ome fer 'is Bird's Jap's Eye Fish Fusion supper t'neet missus!"

Right, now, I need to get Mr Ed to sort out that Trad-Goth Asylum night out at some unnamed venue. Is there a Norwich Torture Garden & Bound Gangbang Society wanting to get involved in a Social Interaction night at The Marquee...

¹ THAT'S SCHOOL DISCO OR LEAVER'S BALL - NOT, I REPEAT, NOT A FUCKING PROM. THAT'S WHAT'S THEY HAVE IN 'MURCA, WHERE THEY LOSE THEIR VIRGINITY AT A HUGE PARTY IN A BIG HOUSE WHILST THE PARENTS ARE AWAY BEFORE BEING MURDERED BY A MASKED MASS MURDERER. NOT A KNEE TREMBLER BEHIND THE KITCHEN BINS IN THE CAR PARK AS THEY SPEW ALL OVER THEIR CHAVSLUT BEFORE MUMMY PICKS THEM UP AT 9PM READY FOR BEDTIME. PROM INDEED. FUCKSAKE.

² ACTUALLY, I WOULD CHALLENGE THE DEFINITION OF "IMPROVED" IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES. HAS ANYONE HAD ANY "NEW AND IMPROVED" PRODUCT THAT WASN'T ACTUALLY WORSE THAN BEFORE? IMPROVED? RUINED AND TWATTED OVER, MORE LIKE!

In this game, you don't need doubting, all you gotta do, is Scouting...

Well, that was interesting!

Lunch was a gaming day, and after winning a bout of Pandemic, one of out gamers happened to mention that Thursday is Beaver Night in Catton.

I live in Catton! How comes I never heard of Beaver Night at Lodge Lane¹

And it gets better.

On Mondays it changes. Apparently Monday Night is Cougar Beaver Night in Catton Park!

Clearly I'm missing out on Scouting for beaver! Seems I need to get down the park, whip my woggle out and earn my Dogging Cougar Beaver badge!

But out of Cougar Beaver comes further opportunities for me to nick a kids idea and expand it.

Once I'm kicked out of Aviva, I can give my hats full reign in a Mad Hatter/Willy Wanker stylee and open up a tea and chocolatey shop!

Apart from the black & white chequerboard theme, and crazy angled tables in a wacky mind-bending ames room, I'll be serving Chocolate Bumshakes!

Milkshakes where the customer can take their toilet shaped cup, stick it under a derrierré designed dispenser, and titter as as the bunghole emits a chocolatey stream of diarrhea! Chocolate milkshake served up like a shitting arse! 

Bums are funny.

Poo is funny.

A bum pooing chocolate milkshake into a toilet shaped cup will be hilarious!

And from that, there'll be more.

My MILFshake brings all the boys to the yard!

For men, your chosen beverage, cocktailer shakered and cloistered in cleavage for a mammarial mixing by the hot jugged-up babes I employ, and served up in a plastic cup with a titty shaped lid with a teat to suck the milky treat up with!

For MILFs, probably the same, but the staff'll spunk in it first before serving it up with one of them hen-night straws with a massive cock on the top to suck off.

Right, does anyone know a Katy Perry lookalike? I need someone with Twister™ lollies strapped to their busoms to bukkake the customers with their MILFshake cream spurting tits...

¹ DO BEAVERS HAVE LODGES? I KNOW THEY HAVE DAMS, BUT BEAVER LODGE SOUNDS FAMILIAR. OR AM I THINKING OF BEING LODGED IN A BEAVER (IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, AND I'M SURE THAT YOU DO...)

What's a f'tummmsch...

Oh, you crazy Welsh folk!

It would seems that the choral miners are away from their sheeps in droves, and complaining in the valleys!

"Why's that, boyo?" I hear you ask.

Well, it would seem that the village of Varteg is changing it's name. It is now to be called Y Farteg. 

Once proud to be named after Vartag Gavorn out of Dragon Age, they're all spitting out their toasted rarebit because much mirth and mockery will come unto Torfaen. For Y Farteg is Welsh for "Who Farted?". probably.

Me - I'd've named it Pant-Y-Gyrdl and forced the residents into lycra legging style "compression shorts" and give them leek eaters some camels instead of sheeps.

No sense of humour or imagination, the Welsh¹.

And from Wales to Norway, and everyone's favourite gravelly voiced sex kitten of the tellybox (apart from them others).

It seems that Channel 4 are losing the ratings war, and have come up with a new idea for a programme.

Couples to have sex on live Channel 4 show!

Seems that in order to get some interest, they're having a "real sex" season looking at the impacts of pornyness on teenagers.

So they've managed to lure The Frostrup into opening up her sex box to couples and engage in "adult conversation". Adult converse? Talking reet dirteh like a filthy potty-mouthed bitch on heat, more like!

In addition to the linguistical lustful langague, she's also having "Frank conversations". Whether this is an sexy seance orgy with Derek Acorah summoning up a Sidebottom succubus, or just plain necrophilia, I don't know.

Apparently, she's got to nosh off three couples from different decades - and one of them couples is gay, so she has to lez up. hopefully.

I'm going to have to start watching them Channel 4 websites for the audition pages. Hopefully they'll follow this one up with one for singles, instead of couples, and hosted by Clawed Ear Wankleman, or Carol Phoarderman.

Preferably both...

Oh, you can throw in an Emily Maitliss, Kirsty Walk, Susanna Reid, Fiona Bruce, Miranda Greene, or serveral other presenting Pretties... heck, if they can persuade HBC to take an acting break for her presenting debut... I've seen Fight Club - I'll have me some of that on the tellybox!!

There's lovely...

¹ HOLD ON A MOMENT XYM, AREN'T YOU OF WELSH DESCENT? AREN'T YOUR ANCESTORS FROM RHYL, AND NAMED YOU AFTER OWAIN "WELL, THERE'S A HORRIBLE FARTY SMELL IN HERE, AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT FROM MY BOTTOM" GLYNDŴR, LEADER OF THE FAILED REVOLT AGAINST THE ENGLISH? YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOUR AND QUITE IMAGINATIVE... ALLEGEDLY...
WELL, I FREQUENTLY HOLIDAY'D IN RHYL WHEN I WAS LITTLE, AND THERE'S PROBABLY SOME MAGNETIC LADYBIRDS I LEFT ON THE TOP OF A WARDROBE IN THE B&B ON QUEENS STREET. I WONDER IF THEY STILL HAVE THAT SCARY GREAT BIG HUGE FECK OFF KING KONG LEERING OUT OVER THE PROMADE...
MOUNT SNOWDON? PRESTATYN? BRECON BEACONS? CAERNARFON CASTLE? BEAUMARIS CASTLE (where me Dad clobbered me for no good reason)? SOD ALL THAT - KING KONG WITH THE ANIMATRONIC HEAD AND RED LIGHTY-UP EYES LOOMING OUT OF THE SCARY HOUSE WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT WALES!

Only got 20 gold in my coin purse...

Clearly I haven't wakey'd up yet!

So, I was off in London (to buy Heat Magazine) on Saturday - and what a night it was!

Liqueur as ever were excellent. Only downside was one of my pet hates...

...twatbags who refuse to remove their backpacks!

All through the gig, some inconsiderate lardarse was just swirling left and right with a backpack on! Suffice to say the gormstress was unaware of centrifugal forces, and with every swing it's humpty back was clobbering peoples left and right.

Grrrrrr!

But after the gig, it was back to trad goff on the dance floor!

And poor old Fatboy Xym was hemmed into the corner by a pair of Pretties (phwoar!).. .and three humongously huge lardy blokes. One of whom is what people tend to regard as "a proper fucking cunty bastard".

But, after 4½ hours of literal non-stop flouncy dancing for myself and in absentia Sisters and Pretties, ye olde Xym had to go for a bit of a rest. With a break in the burly boppers, Xym dived though the gap to the "cinema" for a cooling down...

...just as The Fifth Element came on! What a way to end the evening - Booze, Liqueur, more boze, Tradgoff dance, more boze fer t'baby, and Milla Jovovich to round it off!

And then make my lonesome way off to the tube to come home, all widey wake after nay sleeps. I know - get on the first carriage of the train! Everyone goes to the furthest carriages so they're at the front of the station when they arrive. I can have a sleep in an empty carriage!

Oh noes! Here comes da Norwich Possé! Yikes - they've seens me, and taken the two adjoining tables. Rats cocks - now I have to stay awake lest I fall asleeps and I end up snoring and disturbing all their beauty sleeps!

Think I kept awake - not sure if I dozed off for 10 mins during The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies Of The Apoocalyse, but nayone was scowling at me for keeping them from their Morphean slumbers, so I think I gots away with it!

Anyhoo - gets back into Norwich, and it seems that my Sister has embarassed herself in my absence down The Whatacunt. Oh dear - have to keep a special eye on her next time we're out, and put a stop to any unwarrented public denuding. Still, no-one's going to remember her embarassing incident, for their main concern would have been "Where's her brother? Where's stylish Xym? Why isn't he here?".

For sorrow and disappointment of the lack of Xymonial presence takes precedence over any shaming that may have occurred.

So, I'm home and quick catch up. F1... Vettel's on pole. No point watching then. Vettel will sail to Victory as Webber's car has some 'issue' that puts him waaaay down the pack around 8th place. Hamilton will remain in 5th as Nico comes in 2 places above or behind. Alonso will either come 6th, 4th or 2nd, with Kimi either right behind or just in front. Massa will be as lacklastre as he has been ever since his accident...

Nah - sod it. I'll just have some sleeps interspersed with a bit of telly and tea, and that Thrift Shop going through me head, and wondering why no-ones' done a Skyrim version...

♪  I'm gonna pop some Draughr

Only got 20 gold in my coin purse

I - I'm a-hunting, lookin' for Alduin

I am fucking awesome

I won't wear Falmer's clothes

I look incredible

I wear this dragon scale

Forged in Whiterun by my home

Took an arrow to the knee

I know you all hate me

I work for Belathor

In the gen-er-al goods store ♪

and.... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz...... Yikes! Almost oversleepies afore work!

Oh wow - mine follicle arrangement is still all crimptasticly vertical, with naught but a bit o'spray to keep in place!  Showery showery - mind the perfect hair! But The Xym aches. Oh, how he aches. Get to Starbucks and get some coffee down me neck!

Piss on a Pope! Good job I can use me phone, coz me wallet ain't in me pocket! Shitnuts! Hope it's on the stairs. Or sofa. Or somewhere. and I hasn't lost it betwixt house/carpark/Starbucks and work. And I needed to draw out some money today to cover the car service tomorrow :(

And I gets to work... oh jizzflaps. Shiny lights in lift reflecting off... yeah - should have dunked me barnet, for one had forgotten it was filled with copious quantities of glitter!

Who'd be me, eh

Not me, that's for sure!

:(

00:15 On A Sunday Morning...

♪ Shake Dog Shake
  ♪ Play for Today
    ♪ Pimary
      ♪ Pictures of You
        ♪ Lullaby
          ♪ Charlotte Sometimes
            ♪ Hanging Garden
              ♪ Friday I’m In Love
                ♪ Just Like Heaven
                  ♪ In Between Days
                    ♪ The Walk
                      ♪ 100 years
                        ♪ End
                          ♪ Boys Don’t Cry
                            ♪ 10:15 Saturday Night
                              ♪ A Forest

Liqueur - A Tribute to The Cure, Slimelight, Londinium, 22st Sept

We're falling from XTC...

♪ Gio is making plans, for Xymon

He only wants what's best, for him

Gio has got big plans, for Xymon

Xymon just needs a helping hand

And if Xym's harem makes Xym happy

He must be happy

He must be happy... though he'll soon be out of work...

Jo Faircloth's making plans, for Xymon

He has a future with a total babe

Jo Faircloth's got big plans, for Xymon

Xymon's whole future needs to go through Jo

And if Xym's harem makes Xym happy

He must be happy

He must be happy... though he never talks to girls...

Xymon is too outspoken

But to shy to speak

Or to be even spoken to (in his world)

Xymon is happy with his girls¹

We're only making plans, for Xymon
We only want what's best, for him
We're only making plans, for Xymon
His future lies in... well, not British Steel. A gutter probably... ♪ 

Inspired by a comment regarding Old Fogies being disgusted at mega hot babes who always put a grin on Xym's face, resulting in XTC quotationary comebacks regarding Xym loving to speak and be spoken to. Which is accurate... unless it's a pretty Lady, then he tends to go all to pieces and somewhat quiet and absent. Unless hidden behind a keyboard, when he goes all to PCs. or something.

¹ BY GIRLS, I MEAN HIS EVER GROWING HAREM OF HOT HOTTIES OF ULTIMATE HOTNESS, MANY OF WHOM ONCE GRACED HIS FACEBOOK WALL UNTIL SOME OF THE AFOREMENTIONED PRETTIES GOT ALL WELL JEL OF THEIR RIVALS BEING ALL ON DISPLAY, AND HAD TO LIMIT IT TO XYM & PRETTIES ONLY. AND EVEN THAT GOT MOANED ABOUT, SO IT'S JUST ALICE AND A HATTER IN ONE OF MY HATS AT THE MOMENT!

I'm 'avin a faaaaaag...

Now, some of  you has seen The Xym in the smoking area down at The Whatacunt. Normally, just hangin' wit' mah crew - maybe with an empty pipe, or candy stick to blend in.

But recently, The Xym was seen puffing smoke out of his chops!

Well...

The Xym still does not smoke... but...

...when I was having me hair chopped t'other week, my scissor siren mentioned them things called e-Cigarettes.

Now, her man is giving up The Cancer Sticks, and to wean him off, he's on the eFags.

But wait...

These eFags are sweetie flavoured! And now she wants some!

So I went and bought one, with Cherry, Vanilla, Watermelon and Bubblegum flavouring! Yum!

So, now I has a stealth eCig! Looks like a fag, but all lighty up with a fruity flavoured smoke! Yay! Now the Xym can sit amongst the ash dropping coughers, and not look like a right lemon!

BUT, I reckon it's one of them there Government ploys.

See, eFags come in 4 strengths. Strong, Medium, Low and Fuck All Nicotine. 

So, the ConDemn coalition tempt people to look all cool with sweetie scented ciggies at no risk. Then, they wean you on to low-strength. Then medium, and before you know it - you're hooked on full strength coffer filling coffin fillers with their Fag Tax!

Oh, I may look all cool and suave and sophisticated with perfumed plumes arising from puffing on puffing sticks... but next I'll be on 200-a-day. And then what. Rollies and smoking wee, or Can O' Piss, as Da Kidz say. And then it's the heroine and her crack coke cane. 

And I'll end up a fag hag, all withered like Dot Cotton in a pile of sick in the Whatacunt garden area. 

probably.

But who cares - I'll still look cool, smell cool, and my smokey exhalations will smell cool too!

Jolly Jack Tar and Ye Black Death...

Ahoy, me hearties and scurvy mutinous dogs!

In honour of International Talk Like A Pirate Day, let's roger the cabin boy, Master Bates, and have a hollerin' of sea shanties!

If ye not be a pledger to ye balladeers Ye March Violets, then chart ye position and haul yer booty to one of their live shows and avail yeself of a waxen cylinder holding a recording of their tonal vocals and instrumentalities.

Then ye can join in with this buccaneer's bawdy ballad, to be bawled out in drunken carouse in yon nearest tavern. Grab yeself a buxom wench to fire off ye cannon, quaff many a tankard o' grog and join in, lest ye be hauled around Howard Keel before dancing on ye wind at ye end of a gallows pole.

Arrr!

Human beings? Goklayeh, ho...

With apologies to my American friends - I know you're not all like these cretins!

Ah, the good old USA.

Seems they still have Miss America over there. I think Britain banned such degredation such as Miss Britain/Miss World on the telly for being sexist - old pervy judges ogling hot babes in swimsuits and inflicting low-esteem upon Pretties by pointing out every minor flaw as some huge statement of being a fugly troll.

Anyhoo...

This year... shock horror! Not only do they have their first Black President... they now have their first black Miss America!

And America doesn't like it. No sir, not one bit.

Nina Davuluri, an Indian-American, born and raised in New York, became Miss New York before becoming Miss America. A true American living the American dream. I'm not sure when her ancestors migrated to the Land Of The "Free" And Home Of The Brave, but no matter how many generations of her linage have resided in America, she is 100% a US Citizen.

But not American, apparently.

Upon the result, lardy sausage fingered M^cDonalds fed butterballs rolled off the sofa and extracted their laptop from the folds in their gut, and took to The Twitter and The FarceBook to vent their anger: 

"I'm not a racist, but this is AMERICA, not INDIA!"

"Miss New York? Way to remember 9/11 - FAIL!"

"How can a black person win Miss AMERICA? SHE SHOULD BE WHITE!"

"How the fuck does an Arab Terrorist from Arabia win Miss AMERICA?"

"She's a muslim. How can a foreigner be American?"

"We're Americans - we want Indiana Jones, not Bindi-Anna Jones!"

And on and on they rant, showing the world exactly why other countries hate them, and proving that they're thick as pigshit racist retards.

I mean - even if she was from India, that would make her Indian, not an Arab. I guess to these 'merkins, anyone who's black and not a Negro On The Plantation must be an Arab. And therefore a terrorist.

After all, she openly bared her body in a swimsuit in the competition. I guess these Twinkie scoffing fools mistook her Bikini for a Bhurka, concealing bombs in her bikini'd boobs or something to throw down the decadent West. Wearing a bikini would clearly hint at her not being a radical Muslim, otherwise she'd be head to toe in black.

And I note that although her ethnicity is clearly given as Indian-American, somehow these 'merkins miss that second bit. You know, that bit that says -AMERICAN.

That said, maybe we should have these clueless poltroons to have their own way. Miss America should be American. Let's see how they like it...

...when not a single "white" "American" is allowed in. After all, who are the real Americans? Does the word Native in Native-American ring a bell? Let's have Blackfoot, Pawnee, Cheyanne, Crow, Apaché, Arapaho, etc - no-one descended from them genocidal terrorists that invaded The West and hounded the true Americans across the plains and interred them in the Concentration Prisoner-Of-War Camps reservations and persecuted them for generations...

Return the Land to Gitché Manitou, and let a real American win Miss America! No immigrants, no matter how many generations were born & bred in the US of A!

Or, accept that America is now a culturally diverse place, where it's citizens can proudly live in the land where they are all free, and not home of the cowardly bunch of racist retards.

Go on, America - feel beneath the white. Do you feel a redskin suffering (from centuries of taming?)

Moon pig - nay, Frog...

Holy Ranidae Batman!

Them there American Greybeards have taken a step too far now!

They're sending up the LADEE spaceship to examine the moon structures built by the space monsters, I mean... "measure lunar dust, honest guv'nor" when...

DISASTER!

Ermagherd! What's that off to the left in that big plume of smoke...

Oh noes! One of the pilots has fallen out of the shuttle, and is vainly spreading his arms to create some uplift to slow his inevitable descent unto his doom, for they don't have parachutes in space as it's too floaty.

But fear not - NASA have confirmed that the falling man is not a falling man at all. 

It's a froggie.

Admittedly, a human sized, human shaped froggie, but a froggie looking like a frog-man due to forced perspective. or something.

Do these Greybeards never learn? They send monkeys to the moon, and they either enter a time rift and end up as our evil simian overlords, or they grow to King Kongian size and go on the rampage. How irresponsible to rely on amphibious reptilians to pilot planes to planets.

I guess they must've been watching Jurassic Pork, which tells us if you bung some frog DNA into blokes, their cock drops off and they turn into women who get raped by the blokes who still have cocks and end up spawning. Who needs couples to journey to Mars and populate the planet, when you can send up some self replicating rana rugosa!

However, I'm staying well clear of Wallops, where the launch was held. Even the name - Wallops, smacks of impending destruction. CRASH! BANG! BOOM! WALLOP!!!

Born in the radioactive fire of the ignition launch, Frogzilla will arise!

That's all we need - giant mutant frogs flicking their 100ft tongues at our womens and generally being a noisy nuisance. A giant Kribbett, and a sonic boom blasts across the Virginia plains, blowing the holzer mane of a post-Timotei lorelei about as she sexily showers in streams under a waterfall... before a giant tadpole leaps up and eats her face off.

UNLESS... we get the other effect...

Born in the radioactive fire of the ignition launch, endowed with amazing powers arises... SUPERFROG!

Is it a bird?
Is it a plane?
No - it's a fucking frog in red knickers and a cape...

...wait a cotton picking minute... if I remember my Sesame Street correctly, wasn't a certain green amphibian a roving reporter? 

Clark Kent? Kermit Kent more like! Why, take off that hat.... uncanny resemblance. Hold on, lookit him race into that handy revolving door while ripping his trenchcoat open... what the... ERMAGHERD!!

Oh wait... the Kermityte is present... oh noes... he's mutating! Ermagherd, I was right the first time! The kermityte has reversed his capacity for good, and he's swelled to monstrous size in all his evilness! Kermit the phoenix has truly been forged in the fires of LADEE and been reborn as....

FROGZILLA!!!

NASA - you maniacs! YOU blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hell!.

Bee-Movie...

Remember back in May when I blogged about that slapper who wanted to cop off with her boyfriend's dad because she had some chocolate that had some aphrodisiac effect on her?

Well, that advert is back. With a minor change.

More or less the same - BF still looks gormlessly clueless. The Girl still perving over her boyfriend's Dad as Mum looks on, all pissed off and shit, as Dad laps it up. 

Laps up the seductress's song of ego-boosting offer of sex, that is. Not her flange. That would really piss the mother off!

Anyhoo, the only difference is at the end, because she now says "Now in vanilla!"

Now, I've still not got past the first half of 50 Shades Of Sadomasochism Bondage, but I recall the use of the term vanilla.

Vanilla means no frills. Boring. No spice. Plain old vanilla. Christian Grey doesn't do vanilla. Ana Steel ends up doing all the Kinky stuffs instead!

So, going back to our picnicing wood nymph(omaniac), clearly Dad turned her down. No fan he of the Fungeon Room with the whips and ropes, ball gag and strap on. Oh no. Daughter-in-law Dominatrix? No thanks! Besides, The Wife now knows of her son's girlfriends lust for her husband. No - he's not gonna go there and ruin his marriage. 

But with her minge flowing like the Cuntanga Canyon Rapids at Alton Towers, she's getting desperate!

"Ok, ok, let's try again:

♪ You think your cock's impressive but it's not

Your Dad is nice, he wets my... slot

He'd paddle my arse and spank my buttocks

I'd sit on his face and queef

Cat o' nine tails

Handcuffs and latex

I'd gnaw his cock off with. my. teeth. ♪

And if being bound and gagged and whipped and chained ain't your thing...  I also cum with plain old vanilla sex. Just let me ride your cock you Argyle sweatered corduroy panted sex beast."

I know sex sells, but these adverts today - it's just pure filth! Just wait for the third ad, after Dad caves in and persuades The Wife to lezz up. It'll be nothing but Dad pounding the wanton trollop doggie style as she frigs off The Wife using a Crispello up her fanny in the middle of a wooded glade.

Disgusting. And to think we have to sit though this filth on terrestrial television whilst her ex-boyfriend has to bum himself with one of them Toffee Dummies you get off the fairground.Toffee Dummies my arse!

Have you seen them at the fair - like Toffee Apples, but without the apple:

That's not a dummy - that's a frigging dildo, that is! Or a buttplug.

Still, not something I'd choose for a marital accoutrément. May be nice and syrupy sweet with an aftertaste of halibut, but you'd have swarms of wasps trying to nest in yer bush. And you don't want a snatchswarm of stinging insects streaming out of your minge...

...oooh! New idea for SyFy! Sod Sharknado, Piranhaconda and Sharktopus. This'll be better than Antfarm Dickhole! Xym's Cinema Spectalular presents...

TwatSwarm!

Whilst pleasuring herself with a toffee dummy, a Queen Bee crept up Bea's minge. There, it built a hive in her womb. One day she was assaulted, and the Hive sent out a swarm from her snatch, killing her potential rapist. Now, she stalks the streets as a vigilante. Opening her legs and releasing a buzzing cloud of death to rid the streets of crime. All new Split-screen split-crotch action!
TwatSwarm - her twat's warm, and it houses a swarm!